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Author Topic: Notes on a First Draft  (Read 4781 times)

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Offline AmazingThor

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #30 on: February 05, 2013, 10:19:41 PM »
pg. 13 - As the assassination of Osama bin Laden was a recent historical event, the characters don't need to continually say "spoiler alert" before mentioning their mission.

pg. 40 - While al Qaeda was implicated in many different terrorist acts and criminal activities, I don't think its accurate to blame them for the "crummy finale to Lost"

pg. 100 - We're already courting controversy with the water-boarding scene, let's leave out the scene where President Obama tea-bags bin Laden's corpse.

pg 105 - There is no evidence that bin Laden was ever cloned, thus the teaser for the sequel "Revenge of bin Laden's Clones" can be cut from the final draft


Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2013, 06:00:10 PM »
In time for the re-release, we recently unearthed the first draft of Top Gun

Dear Misters Cash and Epps Jr.  We are excited in this project and in handing this script to a hot young director named Tony Scott who is just itching to take this on.  However, we want you to take these notes into consideration before you finish your final draft.

Pg. 13-30: As the audience is being given exposition regarding dogfighting, it seems silly for the history of dogfighting to be given.  We understand that you want an organic way to explain dogfighting to the audience but they don't really need to know when dog fighting was first birthed.  You also go into great detail that there's "another kind of dog fighting in which actual dogs fight" and then go into detail that would be excessive even if it mattered to the plot.  I guess the main point is that this needs some tightening up.

Pg. 34: Iceman should not have ice-powers.  Also, why do you say in parenthesis "Can we get the estate of Eugene O'Neill to let us use his character?"  I think your a bit confused.

Pg. 54:  I think that having Maverick paint a portrait of a fellow pilot as he flies over him upside down stretches the audiences suspension of disbelief to far.  Also, you say that he paints "the pilot and the plane naked".  I former is doable but strange, and the latter is just confusing.


Offline AmazingThor

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #32 on: February 10, 2013, 08:33:43 PM »
Studio notes on Top Gun:
page 35: The volleyball scene seems to have some overt homoeroticism. You know what, leave it in. I'm sure with good directing and editing the audience will never pick up on it.

page 53: I'd cut the whole scene where Maverick "siphons gas from the enemy jet" I don't think that's something that can be done mid-flight, plus it's probably not standard military procedure.

page 80: Once again, there's some strong subtext. Instead of kissing, can Iceman do something a little more threating and a little less gay? What if he, I don't know, snapped his teeth at Maverick? Well thats still kind of weird but I'm sure you'll think of something better by the time we shoot it.

page 90: I thought they were fighting Soviets. Why does everyone keep mentioning "those Nazi pilots"?

page 95: A little factual input, the Wright brothers never actually invented the jet engine.

page 100: There was a lot of great emotion when Goose died. I think it might lose some of its sting if we have him pop out of the water at the end and say "You flew so well I came back to life!"


Offline Darth Geek

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2013, 09:51:33 AM »
Studio notes on Top Gun:

Can we change the title? Starfighters 2: Top Gun isn't a bad title, but since there isn't any of the same characters from the original movie, there doesn't need to be any connection to a mostly forgotten movie that wasn't very good in the first place.

Also, pages 32 through 68 are entirely planes refueling, with none of the characters in it at all. Cut all most of that out.



Offline Sideswipe

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2013, 06:41:21 PM »
Why would they want to name it Starfighters 2?  There are not Starfighters in it.

I was bieng threated with death by wolf raping before it was cool!.


Offline Johnny Unusual

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Re: Notes on a First Draft
« Reply #35 on: February 14, 2013, 06:47:29 AM »
A Good Day to Die Hard

Dear Skip Woods,

We are excited about working with you on this script for the fifth Die Hard movies.  Many fans complained the last one was a case of diminishing returns and turned a character known as a brave, heroic everyman into a cartoonish super-human Mary Sue character.  I'm sure that this film will remedy the film, but we do have a few notes concerning the script.

Page 3: When the government turns to John McClane for help, he is in the middle of healing the lame and sick simply by laying his hands on him.  Also, when John McClane walked on glass in the first movie, it was because he was given no choice and was supposed to demonstrate the hardships he needed to go through.  I don't think he would leave broken glass on the floor of his temple simply because "he got used to the feeling".  What's more, you write that the people he's healed have to walk out of the temple across the broken glass.  That seems rather cruel, doesn't it?

Page 6: We are glad you want to bring Reginald VelJohnson's character back.  He is a great character and has a long history with McClane.  However, the fact that he makes reference to releasing the Ghostbusters from jail and "knowing Urkel" is a little much.  Yes, it's a cute nod to Reggie getting typecast, but I don't think that everyone in the movie would know who Urkel is unless he was a fictional character, which is just confusing.  Also, it's kind of weird that he says "I shot another kid."  And he certainly seems less sad about that.

Page 56: John McClane cannot teleport!