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Members Hub => Board Games for the Bored => Topic started by: daltysmilth on May 27, 2008, 01:26:38 AM

Title: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on May 27, 2008, 01:26:38 AM
Whether you're a fan of the Onion's Horoscopes (which, in my opinion, aren't as good as they used to be) or Weird Al's song with the same title as this thread, (coincidence?  I think not!), I'm sure you all have an appreciation for funny fake horoscopes.  And if you don't, well, there's no one forcing you to read or post in this thread.  I hope not, at least.  If there is, I apologize for my insensitivity.

Anywho, the object is to write a humorous horoscope for the next person and the next person writes one for the person after them and so on and soforth.  To make it simpler, you don't actually have to be the astrological sign that the previous poster used, just as long as you've got an idea for a horoscope.  (For a handy reference to the Western Astrological signs, go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrological_signs#Western_zodiac_signs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrological_signs#Western_zodiac_signs)  Okay, I'll start:


Aquarius
(January 20 February 18)

The point of the old saying isn't that you shouldn't attribute your own faults to other people.  It's that a talking pot and kettle would be cool.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Junkyard on May 27, 2008, 04:22:54 AM
Actually, Weird Al thanked "The Onion" in the CD booklet of "Running With Scissors," so I'm guessing you're right.

Pisces-
(February 19 - March 20)

The Stars think maybe you'll come into some money this week or something, but they're just giant balls of gas undergoing nuclear fusion impossibly far from where you live. What do you want from them?!
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on May 27, 2008, 10:43:25 AM
Aries
(March 21 April 19)


Emphasize finances.  Give Dave back that twenty bucks you owe him, for cryin' out loud.  It's not going to break the bank, for God's sake!
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: ebeth on May 27, 2008, 11:00:41 AM
Gemini (May 31-June 20)

You won't be enjoying a "fresh feeling" much longer due to the burrito you ate at lunch.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: anais.jude on May 27, 2008, 11:01:12 AM
BTA's birthday is coming up so

Cancer: June 21st-July22nd
Failure is not an option, except for you. We suggest you choose not to fail, but God gave you free will for some reason.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Junkyard on May 27, 2008, 11:19:35 AM
Leo: (July 23 - August 21)

Duck! Oh, shit, nevermind.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: BBQ Platypus on May 28, 2008, 11:57:51 AM
Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will read this horoscope and find it to be extraordinarily unhelpful.

Tonight: Go to sleep at some point.  Remember to wake up tomorrow or you'll be late for work.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: a pretty girl is like on May 28, 2008, 12:14:09 PM
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19)

Have you heard?  It's in the stars.  Next July we collide with Mars.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Junkyard on May 28, 2008, 06:30:20 PM
Gemini-

You and every other person on the planet born in the month of June will meet up with old friends, and experience financial setbacks. You call it ridiculous now, but when the stock market crashes, who'll be laughing then, bitch?
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: FLOCK of RABID SHEEP?!?! on May 28, 2008, 09:11:40 PM
 pisces - (feb 19-mar 21)

beware of squirrels, stay away from them...no we can't tell you anything more...just beware them, damnit!
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on May 28, 2008, 09:25:07 PM
Cancer
You'll gladly pay the parking fine, but you won't be completely convinced when you're told it's customary to tip the bailiff.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck on May 29, 2008, 08:49:05 AM
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Light Blooming Ground Flower and get away with loud report.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on May 30, 2008, 12:56:24 AM
Taurus

We know you're just a big fan of Lerner & Lowe, and you don't mean anything by it, but you really must understand that it creeps everyone out when you sing "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" in the hallways.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Sideswipe on June 12, 2008, 06:16:29 AM
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - Light Blooming Ground Flower and get away with loud report.

As a Cap I feel cheated.  I want a better horoscope.  Something about me recieving lots of money and babes
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Tripe on June 12, 2008, 08:44:08 AM
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - As the second man to become pregnant you will bear triplets and be paid much money for pictures of you and the wee babes.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Janitor on June 12, 2008, 09:41:35 AM
Gemini

Girl have you lost some weight?!? You look fabulous! Turn around, lemme take a look at you!

Lucky numbers: 2 8 11 12 19 42 71
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Sideswipe on June 12, 2008, 08:09:31 PM
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19) - As the second man to become pregnant you will bear triplets and be paid much money for pictures of you and the wee babes.

nope, try again
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on June 12, 2008, 09:20:10 PM
Capricorn

You are destined for a life filled with riches and the most beautiful women on the planet, unless your name is Sideswipe.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Sideswipe on June 13, 2008, 08:52:35 PM
Capricorn

You are destined for a life filled with riches and the most beautiful women on the planet, unless your name is Sideswipe.

wrong again.  You guys are terrible at the horoscope stuff.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Janitor on June 14, 2008, 02:37:45 PM
Capricorn

Today you will argue with everyone, except for the car, because she's the only one who truly understands you.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: esoobaC .T bocaJ on June 14, 2008, 02:41:29 PM
Scorpio

don't feel bad 'cause no one has given you a horoscope, feel proud 'cause you're not a Capricorn  :P
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Tripe on June 14, 2008, 07:26:43 PM
Capricorn
For you Tommy, ze war is over!
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on June 15, 2008, 12:42:23 AM
Aries

You have nothing to worry about.  Despite the Beatles' warnings, the Magical Mystery Tour is not, in fact, waiting to take you away.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Stacey on June 15, 2008, 05:29:19 PM
Libra-

You are in for a financial rollercoaster this week. Reconsider that bag of Funyuns you were just about to buy from the vending machine at work.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Steve-O on June 15, 2008, 09:40:51 PM
Gemini (May 21-June 21) -- Your unique way of dealing with crisis situations leads others to look to you in times of extreme distress.  That's largely because it's hard not to look when someone is squealing like a stuck pig and pissing all over himself.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) -- Holy crap!  What are the odds?!  Your astrological sign is Cancer, and... well, I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I will say that your upcoming appointment with the dermatologist is totally going to blow your mind!  Man, this stuff even freaks me out sometimes.

Leo (July 23-August 22) -- The next few weeks hold the promise of fun-filled and adventurous experimentation for your spouse and the pool boy.  As for you, avoid encounters with enraged livestock this week; in particular, steer clear of Denise from accounting.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) -- This is a great month for Virgo to take stock of his obligations to others and determine whether he could meet them more effectively.  Seriously, I want my lawn mower back, you prick.

Libra (September 23-October 22) -- Something is about to happen to you that will make you sad, or happy, or possibly indifferent.  People you know will also have things happen to them, although those things may or may not differ from the thing that happens to you.  Their reactions might possibly be appropriate to the situation, whatever that turns out to be.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) -- Maybe you ought to lay off the self-abuse for a little while, Scorpio.  Your biorhythm says it's either that or a callus on your chakra.  You don't want a chakra that's all gross and callusy, do you, Scorpio?  I didn't think you did.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) -- That feisty Pisces you've had your eye on, but who so far seems actively disinterested, is really just playing hard to get.  Water signs love surprises, so why not shock the romance into your would-be sweetheart?  Midnight serenades, sending locks of your hair and unneeded teeth in the mail, and pantsless breaking and entering all look like sure wins.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) -- Enough with the fucking Wings albums, Capricorn!  Your friends and neighbors have just about had it with Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey.  Mixing in some Ringo once in awhile might help you keep your lease.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) -- Once again, nothing but easy money, wild parties, and hot sex for Aquarius this month.  Asshole.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) -- The creepy Sagittarius who has been following you around like some pathetic lost puppy is getting ready to take it to the next level.  The stars recommend investing in pepper spray, and possibly a handgun license.

Aries (March 21-April 19) -- Late June finds the moon entering the house of Aries.  This could indicate either pending financial difficulties, or the fact that your subscription to Ass Rammers Quarterly is about to expire.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) -- Taurus might want to consider selling all her earthly possessions, stockpiling non-perishable food and small incendiary devices, learning to speak dolphin, and moving into a concrete bumper in Eastern Montana in the near future.  I'm just sayin'.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: daltysmilth on June 16, 2008, 01:13:53 PM
Pisces

While we'll concede that the message of O. Henry's Gift Of The Magi could conceivably be difficult for you to understand, but the stars have no idea where you got the part about the snorkel, the pancake batter, and the brown goat.
Title: Re: Your Horoscope For Today
Post by: Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck on June 16, 2008, 01:45:10 PM
Aries

You have nothing to worry about.  Despite the Beatles' warnings, the Magical Mystery Tour is not, in fact, waiting to take you away.
Oh....that is so "me"!!!