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Members Hub => Board Games for the Bored => Topic started by: daltysmilth on March 03, 2008, 10:13:23 PM

Title: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 03, 2008, 10:13:23 PM
Okay, we've all been through job interviews, and I'm sure we've all heard pretty much all the standard job-interview-type questions.  Like "So what made you decide to apply to [insert name of company here]?" or "Where do you see yourself in five years?".  So the point of this game is to come up with job-interview-type questions and snappy answers that we wish we could give to those questions.  So to give an example, to the question "Where do you see yourself in five years?", you might answer "Standing at the foot of your bed with a pair of hedge clippers and a menacing grin on my face."  Or to the question, "What made you decide to apply to this company?" you might say "Well, massive brain-death obviously.  You don't think I'd apply here if my faculties were runnng at FULL capacity do you?"  Get it?  You getting it, Spaceman?  Space-master?  You getting it?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 03, 2008, 11:07:10 PM
It's not a game if you answer your own question so I'll start.   Answer my question and then ask an interview question of your own.     



What made you want to apply to this company?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 05:38:15 AM
Your receptionist wears these tight little tops and I thought "Hey wouldn't mind seeing that every morning"

So what would you say is your main weakness?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 05:56:04 AM
The laughter of children.  It makes the voices angry...so...so angry...

How would you improve communication in the office?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 06:15:26 AM
I'd buy everybody bullhorns and make it mandatory for them to be up at full-volume.  Now everybody can be heard!

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: SaucyRossy on March 04, 2008, 06:20:10 AM
As the ruler of the world with Dim as my Minister of Fun.


What do you think you can bring to the company that other applicants couldn't?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 06:24:13 AM
Oh!  Are we having a party?  Do you need kegs or something?  I can bring kegs!  Do you need napkins?  I'll bring napkins!  How about heroin?  You want heroin?  I've got connections.  I can get heroin!

(PS - Saucy, you're hired!)

How would you handle conflict in the office?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: SaucyRossy on March 04, 2008, 06:26:40 AM
By demolishing the persons work space infront of their eyes and if that didn't get them to see my way there family would be next.

(p.s. Dim you rawk lolozlz!)


How did you hear about us?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 06:28:00 AM
Somebody told me, dipshit.

When are you available to work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: SaucyRossy on March 04, 2008, 06:28:56 AM
I was born ready. Ready to PARTYYY!!!


Why did you leave your previous job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:30:34 AM
It was getting real annoying to wash off those bloodstains every day.

Do you have any professional heroes or idols you would like to aspire to be like?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:34:11 AM
Jack:  Jack the Ripper, Jack Sparrow, and Jack Harkness.  You don't know Jack?

Have you ever used our product?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:36:04 AM
Nah, it doesn't have enough adhesive.  The last three girls just peeled it right off their mouth like it was nothing.

If you were conducting this interview, what question would you want asked?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 06:37:52 AM
"Are you as turned on as I am?"

What are your hobbies?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:39:41 AM
I collect cat's eyes.  No not the marbels.


What was the most creative way you have solved a problem?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 04, 2008, 06:43:28 AM
Well it would take a while to explain the logistics, but have you ever seen "A Clockwork Orange"?  Yeah it was a lot like that.

How do you efficiently manage your time?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:46:12 AM
What does "efficiently" mean?

How well do you handle multiple deadlines?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: SaucyRossy on March 04, 2008, 06:47:16 AM
I handle them well. The people below me make sure the work is done on time or i give them paper cuts between there toes.


Are you a leader?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 06:47:58 AM
Is that like "a loner"?

When have you shown great customer service?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:49:43 AM
When I put them up on the rack and change their oil.


What was the scope of your last jobs responsibilities?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:52:56 AM
It wasn't exactly a job and the doctors didn't want to concern me with words like responsibilities...they said it made me too irritable.

Have you ever been terminated in a previous job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: SaucyRossy on March 04, 2008, 06:54:24 AM
No, but have you seen this boy John Connor?

(http://www.thehollywoodnews.com/artman2/uploads/1/Edward-Furlong.jpg)


How do you handle stress?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 06:55:55 AM
Gahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh, sorry sorry the word stress just freaks me out nahhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa

What do you enjoy most about your current position?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:57:29 AM
My legs don't cramp like they did behind my head.


How do you handle office disruptions?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 07:04:33 AM
With punches all around!

What do you have that the other applicants for this job don't?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 07:05:33 AM
These pictures of your daughter.


Finish this sentence:  At work I like to...
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: a pretty girl is like on March 04, 2008, 07:19:04 AM
Catch up on my Me time.

How would you handle an angry phonecall?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 04, 2008, 07:45:16 AM
By pitching the phone out the window and screaming obscenities into the sky, cursing God for making somebody so stupid.

Would you call yourself a hard worker?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 08:00:49 AM
As long as my desk has sight of the receptionist then sure, absolutely!

How would your previous manager describe you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 08:24:41 AM
Six foot, twohundred fifty pounds, wearing a mask, and carrying a lead pipe.

How would you go about making the office "greener?"
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2008, 08:33:50 AM
* pours 24 gallons of green paint on the bosses desk. Well thats a start, but I got two more truckloads out back.

Personality question: If an armored bank car were left open, keys in the ignition, would you take it?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 04, 2008, 08:50:34 AM
...Who told you?  Dammit, I knew there were security cameras!

How would you best deal with a difficult client?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 08:59:30 AM
Inflatable sumo wrestler suits.

How many people have you had work under you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2008, 09:03:10 AM
Sir I have never hired a prostitute to pleasure me.... *makes moaning noise* during.....work ... ever... yeah.

So why have you decided to come work for this firm?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 09:07:13 AM
Because none of the good companies were hiring.

Have you ever used drugs before?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 09:08:56 AM
Used?  No.  Taken, partied with, imbibed, drank, and shot, yes.


Tell me what isn't on your resume.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 09:11:51 AM
Well for two years I sold crack for a guy who lived down the block from me.

Would you allow use to conduct a background check on you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 09:15:27 AM
I'd prefer a body cavity search ;)

Would you say you were a self starter?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 09:16:36 AM
No, I have a broken pull string.  Or did you mean internal human combustion?


What made you chose our industry  as a new carear for you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 09:18:01 AM
Well you have hired three other ex crack dealers i know.

Have you ever stolen from your place of work before?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 04, 2008, 09:22:40 AM
Only hearts... and two virginities.  But they were of legal age by months, I swear.

What would you say your three greatest strengths are?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 09:24:13 AM
I can tie a knot in a cherry stalk with my tongue, that's always been appreciated.

Are you a good negotiator?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 09:38:24 AM
WHAT EVER IT IS YOU WANT YOU CAN HAVE IT,JUST STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS!!!

Do you work well with others?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 09:44:51 AM
So long as I hold the choice of life or death over them.


Tell me of a time you broke a company rule to satisfy a customer.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 04, 2008, 09:50:05 AM
One of the part timers had given the wrong change to a regular customer, I gave the correct change and then garrotted the part timer in front of the customer as a show of good faith.


What motivates you most at work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: gammer on March 04, 2008, 09:53:15 AM
Being able to surf the internets, uninterrupted for hours on end. Being able to put surfing first and work second in priority.

What do you know about this company?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 09:57:04 AM
The hope that one day i will be able to run the company into the ground and get a $200 million golden parachute.

Do you believe yourself to be an honest person?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: headlesschocolatebunny on March 04, 2008, 10:22:42 AM
Is it just me or do you smell like cabage? >:D

How do you feel about the fact that I am so gonna disregaurd whatever you say and do whatever I want for 8 hours a day?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 10:24:57 AM
SHUT IT YOU!  I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!

What was your favorite course in college?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: headlesschocolatebunny on March 04, 2008, 10:25:33 AM
So-when is the pizza gonna get here?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 04, 2008, 01:16:03 PM
Why are you just staring at me?  Is this some kinda Psych evaluation or something?  Because the courts said I was sane enough to stand trial.

How would you feel about a possible transfer to our Phoenix branch?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2008, 01:31:09 PM
I don't know, I'm not to good around birds that randomly spontaneously combust.

What do you think the traits are in a person who's successful
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: TeamRAD on March 04, 2008, 02:05:34 PM

Simply put, someone who can bring levity to the work environment by quoting Home Movies on a whim and who drinks a good beer. A Win-Win.

What song would you use to describe your work habits?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 04, 2008, 02:09:21 PM
*pulls out guitar*  Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion...  That doesn't really describe it, but I sing it whenever I get nervous or stressed or tired... or hungry or happy or thirsty...  *ahem*  Masquerading as a man with a reeeaason...

What skills are you bringing with you from your previous job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 02:13:03 PM
Nobody slops creamed spinach on a plate better then me.


What type of productivity benchmarks have you used?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: TeamRAD on March 04, 2008, 02:27:36 PM

*pulls out guitar*  Once I rose above the noise and confusion / Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion...  That doesn't really describe it, but I sing it whenever I get nervous or stressed or tired... or hungry or happy or thirsty...  *ahem*  Masquerading as a man with a reeeaason...

What skills are you bringing with you from your previous job?

Shit, now I have this song in my head. :P

What type of productivity benchmarks have you used?

Productivity benchmarks, let's see...I do enjoy seeing how many blank stares I can accumulate when asking if the company will have a Tofurkey for me at the annual Holiday party. Also, I take pride in my improvisation of the lackluster songs on the work radio whereas I do a killer Julian Casablancas impression.

If you were invisible for a single day, what would you do and why?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 04, 2008, 02:48:58 PM
(looks off into space...gets creepy look on face, starts chuckling...)

Do you consider yourself a person who values family?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 04, 2008, 03:13:28 PM
Definitely.  Especially the Manson family.  Now THOSE guys knew a thing or two about family activities.

What would you do if you caught a co-worker or supervisor stealing?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 03:17:04 PM
Chop off their hands and then let them go with no severance package.  Other then the previously mentioned one of course.



What previous job challenged you the most?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: mike5150 on March 04, 2008, 04:59:31 PM
that application you gave me. Where it says print name, and I put,  n. a. m. e.    was that supposed to be capitolized?

do you have a history of job related injuries?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 04, 2008, 05:16:50 PM
No history, I change my name legally with every out of court settlement. 

How do you feel about discrimination in the work place?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2008, 06:05:55 PM
What's it to you Jew boy? I bet you let women into management positions as well! One day the supreme race will rise and we'll know just how to handle people like you..

If you were in charge of the business for one day, what would you do?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: BBQ Platypus on March 04, 2008, 06:18:44 PM
KILL!  KILL!  KILL!

How do you deal with high-pressure situations?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: a pretty girl is like on March 04, 2008, 06:23:23 PM
Cocaine is a hell of a drug!  :highfive:

Do you consider yourself a loyal person?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:24:49 PM
I am extremely loyal, the Dark Lord calls me his favorite in fact.

Would you be willing to work weekend when needed?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RobtheBarbarian on March 04, 2008, 06:29:03 PM
Would you mind if I came in drunk, angry, dirty and smelly?







Are you a people person?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:30:39 PM
In fact I'm made from the remains of several people, so yes...

What is your greatest strength in the workplace?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 06:47:34 PM
I don't snore when i sleep.

How much money would you expect to make each year?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:50:29 PM
All of it.  Just sign your paycheck over to me.


What sort of benefits were you looking for?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: a pretty girl is like on March 04, 2008, 06:52:34 PM
Rootbeer floats and kettle corn.

Are you willing to take one for the team?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 04, 2008, 06:53:43 PM
You'll at least have to buy me dinner first!

Would you be willing to relocate?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: NinjaComic on March 04, 2008, 06:55:21 PM
Sure, so long as the mansion you buy me has three small kitchens and lots of hot tubs.



What is your favorite motivational statement?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 04, 2008, 07:01:12 PM
Don't feel bad you tried your best and failed,the lesson is never try.

What is the longest length of time you have ever held a job for?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 04, 2008, 07:07:37 PM
Is playing World of Warcraft a job. Cuz if so, I've logged over 9,000 Hours!

Personality Question: Would you steal from a coworker if you knew you wouldn't get caught.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: mike5150 on March 04, 2008, 07:28:08 PM
do you have a plan? cuz I've been caught almost every time.

who do you consider your biggest inspiration in life?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: a pretty girl is like on March 04, 2008, 07:53:14 PM
Walter Mondale.

Is the customer always right?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 04, 2008, 08:06:26 PM
If by right, you mean incredibly moronic jerkwads who couldn't figure out how to open an automatic door, then yes.

What would you say is your greatest weakness as a worker?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 04, 2008, 08:11:48 PM
I often get weepy if I don't drink my morning Mountain Dew, I'm a clepto, sociopathic person of little intelligence, oh and I'm a pervert.

Do you consider yourself a teamplayer, or a leader?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fig Neutron on March 04, 2008, 09:16:31 PM
My Biggest Weakness Is How I Answer This Next Question...
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: headlesschocolatebunny on March 05, 2008, 05:46:11 AM
I often get weepy if I don't drink my morning Mountain Dew, I'm a clepto, sociopathic person of little intelligence, oh and I'm a pervert.


How do you know so much about me?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 05, 2008, 01:15:24 PM
I often get weepy if I don't drink my morning Mountain Dew, I'm a clepto, sociopathic person of little intelligence, oh and I'm a pervert.

Do you consider yourself a teamplayer, or a leader?

I'm not sure.  What would you say in this situation?  I mean, whatever you think is good enough for me.

Tell me about a situation in which you had to deal with a difficult customer.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: headlesschocolatebunny on March 05, 2008, 01:20:18 PM
Does Barry Manalow know you raided his closet?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: nosebleed on March 06, 2008, 08:59:35 AM
I often get weepy if I don't drink my morning Mountain Dew, I'm a clepto, sociopathic person of little intelligence, oh and I'm a pervert.

Do you consider yourself a teamplayer, or a leader?

I'm not sure.  What would you say in this situation?  I mean, whatever you think is good enough for me.

Tell me about a situation in which you had to deal with a difficult customer.

Well, I didn't deal with them myself. I had my pet velociraptor "Tiny" take care of them for me.

What would you say is your greatest accomplishment?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 10:28:37 AM

What would you say is your greatest accomplishment?

Learning to pirate via Torrents!!!!

What would you do for a Klondike Frozen Novelty Treat?    (oh wait rong interview, answer the question anyway now that i have asked it)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 06, 2008, 10:31:45 AM
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I've always wanted to answer this one with, "Well, at home with a work-related injury, God willing...."
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 06, 2008, 10:33:18 AM
What would you do for a Klondike Frozen Novelty Treat?    (oh wait rong interview, answer the question anyway now that i have asked it)
Other than....um....absolutely nothing??

Because this job requires you to travel extensively, what problems could you foresee with your ability to do that?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Pak-Man on March 06, 2008, 10:35:15 AM
Because this job requires you to travel extensively, what problems could you foresee with your ability to do that?

Oh, they don't let me into airports anymore.... (Then stare off into the distance for 5 minutes)

Why do you think that you deserve this job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 10:38:48 AM

Why do you think that you deserve this job?


Because i have photos of you at that Gay bar, doing gay things and i don't think you want them to "get out" to your spouse or the press or any else for that matter!!!!



What do you think Jesus would do if he were to get the job position that you are applying for?  (i am talking about once he started the job)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 06, 2008, 10:40:16 AM
He'd light you on fire and send you to hell.  (and yes, for the purpose of that job interview, I'm Daniel Tosh.)

Have you ever let your personal matters get in the way of your work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 10:42:45 AM

Have you ever let your personal matters get in the way of your work?


Yes and i couldn't file the papers because my personal matters was/were, literally, in front of me!!!


What is your GREATEST WEAKNESS? (and yes I am yelling that last part!!!)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RVR II on March 06, 2008, 10:43:49 AM
yelling really loud and throwing things, relieves some of the pent-up rage. ;D

Do you hire people Illegally in this country?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 10:48:48 AM

Do you hire people Illegally in this country?


yes, i don't fallow any laws in this county when I Pick someone up and hold them over my head!!! oh it really drives people mad

do you know what it feels like to have your job taken over by outsouring!!!
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 06, 2008, 10:57:49 AM
do you know what it feels like to have your job taken over by outsouring!!!
*in thick ethinc accent*  Well, no, I don't...but are you asking for personal advice on what to do when it happens next week?

If you could describe your "dream job," what would it be? (I've actually been asked that at an interview!!)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 11:00:32 AM
do you know what it feels like to have your job taken over by outsouring!!!
*in thick ethinc accent*  Well, no, I don't...but are you asking for personal advice on what to do when it happens next week?

If you could describe your "dream job," what would it be? (I've actually been asked that at an interview!!)

Sleeping and getting paid millions for it!!! XD

Are you willing to work holidays?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Pak-Man on March 06, 2008, 11:54:20 AM
Pfft. HOLIDAYS? You'll be lucky to see me come in on WEEKdays!

You catch a co-worker stealing pens. How do you react?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 06, 2008, 12:43:44 PM
I'd admonish them for setting their goal too low and ask for help getting the Copy machine into the elevator. 

How soon can you start?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: darthtron on March 06, 2008, 12:48:57 PM

How soon can you start?


As soon as you allow me to have sex with your hot/sexy as hell daughter!!!!

How do you feel about TPS Reports?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Courtney on March 06, 2008, 02:12:49 PM
I don't give a shit about them, but I will tell you that Office Space is the most overrated movie ever of all time.  (I actually would say that in an interview I think.  It's amazing I have a job sometimes.)

Do you listen to music while you work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: nosebleed on March 06, 2008, 02:32:37 PM
No, but I prefer to annoy people by tackling them, duct-taping headphones to their head, forcing them to listen to my vast Air Supply collection.

What person has influenced you the most in your life?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 06, 2008, 03:43:16 PM
Cheech Marin.  His portrayal of Joe Dominguez on Nash Bridges opened my eyes to the exciting possibilities inherent in euthanasia.

What is your greatest fear?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 06, 2008, 03:59:36 PM
A zombie or robot uprising...there is just no way any of us will survive if either happen...

If you were in the middle of cleaning up a dangerous mess, and a customer asked you for help at the same time of your manager asking over the intercom to see you in his office...what would you do? ( I have been asked this )
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 06, 2008, 04:04:25 PM

If you were in the middle of cleaning up a dangerous mess, and a customer asked you for help at the same time of your manager asking over the intercom to see you in his office...what would you do? ( I have been asked this )

Would never happen,  I don't clean, and I'm certainly not helping any customers and I don't work under anybody so the term manager means nothing to me.  Nice try at a trick question though. 

What's the most fulfilling job you've ever had?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 06, 2008, 05:27:13 PM
Spoiler (click to show/hide)



How much schooling have you completed and do you feel that will help you fulfill your duties at this job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 06, 2008, 05:32:34 PM
Well I went to Anger Management classes, does that count.  I'm not sure how much it will really help though,  I wasn't really paying attention.

Why do you feel that you deserve a corner office?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 07, 2008, 11:01:06 AM
Well, any office will suffice.  I just need people to not be able to see what I'm doing all day.  *Clears throat*

Do you now, or have you ever habitually used drugs?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 07, 2008, 11:03:35 AM
I'm sorry, What?  Amy Winehouse and I went out last night, and I woke up naked in a construction site.

Do you work well with others?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 07, 2008, 11:11:47 AM
Is that what the kids are calling it these days, no I'm not still a virgin.

What is your greatest attribute?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 07, 2008, 02:20:23 PM
those tracks of land your feeling right now



can you work well in a highly diversified enviroment
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: a pretty girl is like on March 07, 2008, 03:58:33 PM
As long as there's no Asians around.

Which is more important: time off or higher pay
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 07, 2008, 04:37:46 PM
yes please



what would you do if you had 8 hours worth of stuff to do and only 6 hours to do it in



Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 07, 2008, 04:55:32 PM
Sacrifice a virgin of course.

What would you say your core competencies are?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 07, 2008, 10:18:27 PM
Umm... I break stuff and fall down a lot.  Does that count?

How does it make you feel when courts let guilty criminals go free?

(Based on a question I've seen on countless online applications)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 07, 2008, 10:21:59 PM
Like its time for me to get my guns out of storage.  This isn't revenge...it's punishment.

If you could open your own business today, what would it sell?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 08, 2008, 10:57:00 AM
people, mostly stupid people, but smart people if we run out of stock on stupid people



are you a leader or a follower?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 08, 2008, 03:48:00 PM
 I'm not really either.  I'm not even a doer.

What was the worst part of your last job?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 08, 2008, 03:52:26 PM
The paycheck.  Buh dum bum!   :rimshot:

Do you like a challenging work environment?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 08, 2008, 04:14:14 PM
no, why the hell would i like that?



would you fire an employee you tokk a penny?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 08, 2008, 04:38:19 PM
Penny is my daughter, I'd fucken kill em.

How did you here about this position?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 08, 2008, 10:56:45 PM
the kama sutra


how do you feel about giving back to the community?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 08, 2008, 11:32:17 PM
That would imply that you have proof I took from the community.  I plead the fifth.

What were your strongest subjects in school?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: AmandaGal on March 08, 2008, 11:48:26 PM
Subjects? You must have read my manifesto.  I never had subjects in school, but someday YOU ALL will be my subjects.

If I asked your friends to describe you, what would they say?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 08, 2008, 11:54:22 PM
That can be found as a matter of public record.  They are the reason the parole board provided me with this opportunity to apply. 

How would you feel about working in our telemarketing department?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 09, 2008, 01:03:24 AM
I've always wanted to get paid to piss off people I don't know.

How many years have you been a registered nurse?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 09, 2008, 09:18:48 AM
Did I say nurse? I meant I am a registered sexual offender.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 09, 2008, 10:03:28 AM
Either performing lewd sexual acts on men and women alike for money or dead in a ditch thanks to my profession of performing lewd sexual acts on and and women alike.  By the way, have you ever had nasal intercourse?

Who is your role model?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 09, 2008, 10:31:37 AM
Well it's a toss up between Satan, Hitler, and Walt Disney (Oh yes. I went there)



What would you reccomend to a customer that asked for Barry Manilow's greatest hits
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 09, 2008, 12:02:22 PM
Ha ha ha ha ha hee hee hee hee ho ho ho ho ho hoo hoo hoo ha ha!  *Sigh*.  Oh man.  Why would someone ask for Barry Manilow?

Would your previous employers describe you as a hard worker?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 09, 2008, 01:04:55 PM
yes, but only in bed. He really didn't know me to well outside our sex life



Do you make personal phonecalls on company time?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 09, 2008, 01:06:28 PM
Are you eavesdropping on me already?!  God, I haven't even been hired yet!

What five words best describe you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 09, 2008, 01:09:32 PM
boobs, boobs, boobs, tits, and ass



have you ever been caught sexual harrassing someone at work
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: OTC316 on March 09, 2008, 01:52:02 PM
No, but then again I used to work at a funeral home.



Are you aware we have a drug-testing policy?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 09, 2008, 01:58:37 PM
I have previous experience in testing out drugs.

Do you own your own vehicle?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 09, 2008, 03:49:06 PM
For short high speed spurts between arrests. 

What would you say is your greatest asset and your greatest weakness?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 09, 2008, 05:49:28 PM
My greatest asset is the fact that I can stash drugs in my cast.  My greatest weakness is needles.  I can't stash those without at least pricking myself.  Oh, well.  Live and learn, right?

Coffee or tea?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 09, 2008, 06:36:02 PM
Hot Chocolate and you better have marshmallows or I'm gonna flip. 

How would you feel about working the graveyard shift?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 09, 2008, 06:42:56 PM
That depends on how YOU feel about sexual relations with the clientele--OH, wait, you meant the late shift!  Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

What days are you not available to work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 09, 2008, 09:20:05 PM
all the days that end with "Y"



have you ever been convicted of a crime
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 09, 2008, 09:41:07 PM
Is it a crime to covet another man's dog? (if you know what I mean)

Do you have any physical limitations that we may need to be aware of?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: DRDFarScape on March 09, 2008, 09:43:25 PM


....................................(no reply, I'm deaf)...........................................


   Do you work well in groups?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 09, 2008, 09:46:01 PM
I've never tried.  I think with all those people watching, I might not be able to "perform".  I could give it the ol' college try, though.

How would you handle a confrentation in the workplace?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2008, 09:47:00 PM
Sorry.  That was me.  Raven didn't log out.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 10, 2008, 06:26:37 AM
*SMACKS INTERVIEWER*
I DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH SILENCE



are you able to walk away from comfrontations
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 10, 2008, 07:37:39 AM
After I've beaten the living crap out of the idiot??  Yeah, sure....

You're working in a grocery store and see another employee, who has been employed for 15 years at the store, take a loaf of bread without paying for it.  What do you do?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 10, 2008, 08:23:16 AM
I take some mustard and bolgna and ask if I can join him for a sandwich.

Why did you leave your last job?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 10, 2008, 10:24:49 AM
i found out that the box marked hamdingers was actually an espace pod



would you be ok with a temporary position
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RVR II on March 10, 2008, 11:10:28 AM
Temporary position?? Yeah sure, if you don't mind my size 11 shoe temporarily shoved up your ass. :)

Do you work well with other races and ethnic backgrounds?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 10, 2008, 12:00:04 PM
HELL NO! America for Americans / Let's send all the Indians back to Africa!



would you be willing to wokr weekends and holidays?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck on March 10, 2008, 12:01:47 PM
Sure!  Just think what I'll save on rent!





Can you sell me this pen?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: gammer on March 10, 2008, 12:07:59 PM
Take my word, this pen is great...I mean, you can get a good look at a T-Bone by shoving your head up a bulls ass, but wouldn't you rather take the butchers word for it?

Whats your biggest ASSet?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 10, 2008, 11:49:55 PM
You saying I got a fat ass? OK lets take this outside pervert!

What is your greatest strength?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: gammer on March 11, 2008, 08:31:49 AM
Well I can bench 220 and I don't take shit from customers.

If you get this job you will be given allot of "duties". How will you manage your time so you can get to all of your "dooties"? I mean, if you don't to your "doodies", we will come down on you pretty hard...for not doing your "duites".
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 11, 2008, 01:44:26 PM
I'll do anything you ask me to do as long as I'm already doing it when you ask me to do it.

Would you be willing to work overtime with no pay?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 11, 2008, 01:54:46 PM
would you be willing to live with no spine?


does work place traffic disturb you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: hare.29 on March 11, 2008, 02:01:25 PM
And here's one from the hiring side (for a postdoc position):
How the hell did your advisor let you out of the lab with that presentation?! No data, no conclusions, no motivation, and it was only half as long as it should be?! I've seen undergrads give better talks!
*inspired by a true story*
 
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 11, 2008, 02:35:00 PM
Having to hurdle Hare's post was a challenge, but I think I did well.

Do you have adequate footwear for the job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 11, 2008, 03:00:03 PM
I always wear steel toed boots, I don't trust your fat ass not to break my toes.

Would you like to join union or negotiate your own contract?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 12, 2008, 05:46:12 AM
How the hell did your advisor let you out of the lab with that presentation?! No data, no conclusions, no motivation, and it was only half as long as it should be?! I've seen undergrads give better talks!
*inspired by a true story*

Well, I'll be honest.  I was only let out of lab because my advisor got mad at me for lifting my leg on the eyewash station and refusing to go on the papers.  I only presented it today, despite the fact that it had none of... well, that stuff, because I couldn't find any squirrels to chase in the field.

And don't you dare compare this to what an undergrad can do!  To think that my 12 year old sister did all this work just to be insulted by you!  Of all the nerve!

Would you like to join union or negotiate your own contract?

I'll negotiate my own contract, whatever that means.  I heard Union was a crappy college, anyway.  Nah, I'll put together my own contract, and I insist on being paid out of trade.  (Currently applying for a job at the city morgue.)

You find a wallet on the ground with $300.00 in.  What do you do with it?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 12, 2008, 06:57:17 AM
I'd head to the nearest strip club and get f'ed up!!

We here have a strict no smoking policy here at work. Would that be a problem?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 12, 2008, 07:06:55 AM
Tch.  Try asking that to the charred corpses of my co-workers.  But you can't pin anything on me!

Under what conditions do you feel you work the best?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 12, 2008, 07:12:23 AM
Unsupervised, overpaid, and with limitless comp time....that's what you have, right?

This position will require you to travel to areas with austere and possibly hazardous living conditions for up to 90-days at a time with only 24-hours notice.  Is that a problem?

(That question is actually part of my job description!)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 12, 2008, 07:14:50 AM
I get to go to Disneyland! Cool!



do you have problems coming to work on time
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 12, 2008, 07:36:19 AM
I've never timed it. Let me whip it out and we can see.

Do you have reliable tranportation to and from work?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 12, 2008, 10:53:47 AM
Of course.  You do have a helipad where I can park my chopper, don't you?

How did you hear about us?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 12, 2008, 11:34:58 AM
I didn't.  I was walking past and thought to myself, "Boy, this place sure needs someone who knows what the hell they're doing!"

If we asked you to present a report to the board of directors regarding our budget shortfalls today, what is the first thing you would do?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 12, 2008, 12:18:11 PM
Clean house...

If this company were a family, would you consider yourself the father, or the little brother?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 12, 2008, 12:20:51 PM
I tend to follow the V. C. Andrews model... hey how you doing? ;)

Do you belong to any organisations that you can tell us about?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 12, 2008, 01:03:17 PM
I could tell you about them, but then I'd have to kill you....

What is the first thing your references would say about you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 12, 2008, 02:15:15 PM
He is fine as long as he gets his morning meth.

Are you willing to commute?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 12, 2008, 02:48:12 PM
Are you?

If your manager is asking you to do something that makes you uncomfortable or is illegal, will you do it?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 12, 2008, 03:32:12 PM
Depends on how much is paid up front in small, unmarked bills....

This job requires you to be sedentary for most of the day but you are required to lift up to 50 pounds.  Is this a problem?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 13, 2008, 03:38:05 AM
You guys should hire someone to do that for me, what kinda shitty company is this?

Do you see your personal life becoming a conflict with your professional life?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 13, 2008, 12:16:35 PM
Every freakin' day!!

You will be required to work in confined spaces...do you have certification for that?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 13, 2008, 12:18:35 PM
I got stuffed in a lot of lockers in High School.  Does that count?

Would you be opposed to random drug testing? 
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 13, 2008, 01:13:33 PM
No. Can I start testing them now? I sure hope its a hallucinogen!!

Do you have any problems working long hours and weekends?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 14, 2008, 06:06:58 AM
Hey, man, I don't want to WORK, I just want a job!

Suppose one of your co-workers takes something of yours out of the community fridge.  How would you deal with that?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Pak-Man on March 14, 2008, 10:46:31 AM
I'd give him instructions on how to deal with the oral herpies he's gonna have.

How do you manage multiple tasks?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 11:00:04 AM
Just like every manager I've ever had- designate to others around me what to do.

Are you aware of this companies dress code?  And do you have any problems with it?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RobtheBarbarian on March 14, 2008, 11:02:23 AM
I wear naught but the flesh my mother gave me, just as the Moon Goddess does, but apart from that I'm flexible.

Have you ever been the subject of a sexual harrassment complaint?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 11:05:04 AM
Not only the subject of a complaint but I'm on all the posters.

What would you say is your best attribute?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 14, 2008, 11:46:16 AM
I have a .gif of a pretend lady with large boobies shaking up and down.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 11:58:12 AM
No, the jury was afraid to convict me.

How long did you have your last job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 14, 2008, 12:05:01 PM
I'm not sure.  I don't have a watch that can measure time in increments that small.

Your job requires you to do repetitive, sometimes tedious tasks.  Would you have a problem with that?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RobtheBarbarian on March 14, 2008, 12:09:22 PM
Hey man, enough crack can make anything exciting.

Do you deal well with people who's lifestyle is differant than your's?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 12:12:58 PM
No I don't like motivated people.

How did you hear about this job opportunity?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Fortis on March 14, 2008, 12:44:18 PM
I know your daughter...[smiles]

We consider ourselves a team here, what kind of contributions do you think is important for our team, and can you give them?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 14, 2008, 02:30:46 PM
I can has give you grammar lessons?

Can you type 60 words per minute?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 14, 2008, 02:42:04 PM
I can if you don't care if they're spelled correctly.  Or if they're actually words.

What are some of your hobbies?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 03:44:36 PM
I'm working on a prototype for a digital camera that's in the shape of a sniper's rifle,  It superimposes crosshairs on all your pictures.

How soon can you start?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 14, 2008, 04:42:51 PM
As soon as my buzz wears off.. dude did you see that  Gummy Bear?

How much did you make at your previous job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: mike5150 on March 14, 2008, 07:43:47 PM
actual income......25,000     
bonuses.......1,000
money I got from all the stuff I stole from the company  on ebay.............PRICELESS

would you use you personal car for business reasons?


     


Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 14, 2008, 08:51:25 PM
Is it nice to deliver food to the elderly in a hearse.

Are you a follower or a leader?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Sideswipe on March 15, 2008, 07:32:33 AM
after going into an interview immediately after some one else I would like to say the following:


"Everything that last guy said was bullshit."
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on March 15, 2008, 07:35:04 AM
Now you ask a question of the next poster ;)
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 15, 2008, 09:45:41 AM
Moooooooooooommmmmmmmm!!    Sideswipe broke the thread.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 15, 2008, 09:55:35 AM
Leader One should discipline you!
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 15, 2008, 10:13:06 AM
I'll get us back on track. 

If you suddenly find yourself left in charge during a crucial deadline, what would you do to effectively manage the office?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RVR II on March 15, 2008, 10:16:05 AM
Threaten everybody at gun point that nobody goes Anywhere till we get the job done on time 8)

What catches your attention (I.E. 1st impressions)?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 15, 2008, 11:40:29 AM
Loud explosions, and low cut sweaters. 

Some of your duties will include organizing files.  Do you have a problem sorting large numbers of documents?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 15, 2008, 12:02:49 PM
No they make great bonfires.

Tell me how you handle difficult customers
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Dim of the Yard on March 15, 2008, 12:22:34 PM
Piledrivers.  Lots and lots of piledrivers.

What do you do in your spare time?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 15, 2008, 12:29:15 PM
Show up for work.

What was the first job you ever had?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Sideswipe on March 15, 2008, 12:59:54 PM
Unicycle mechanic


Do you like anyone at work more than a friend?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 15, 2008, 04:21:47 PM
I don't even like my friends so sure.

How do you feel about working from home?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck on March 16, 2008, 10:16:52 AM
I can crush your nads with one hand.  Give me the job or I'll have you singing soprano....


Describe a situation where you had a problem with a co-worker and how did you handle it.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 16, 2008, 11:31:09 AM
I had a coworker saying I was stalking her. So I made sure to wear more camo and get a good telescopic lens. But she can't get me to stop going through her garbage. Its public property! You wouldn't believe how much you can get away with by CSI.

Have you had any traffic violations in the past 3 years?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 16, 2008, 02:34:02 PM
Well... they called it involuntary manslaughter.  Does that count?

A co-worker fails to show up for work and a supervisor asks you to do the absent co-worker's work in addition to your own.  You will not have time to complete both assignments.  What do you do?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 16, 2008, 02:53:07 PM
Shoot the hostage.

Do you have any medical conditions we should know about?

Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RVR II on March 16, 2008, 04:06:46 PM
Just a rare form of Rabies that's fatal to others, but not me..

In a Nut Shell, how do You view the World around you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 16, 2008, 04:50:49 PM
Usually with my eyeballs.   :rimshot:

Are you familiar with the Windows operating system?


Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 16, 2008, 05:11:00 PM
I'm certified up to 4 panes of glass. 

How have you adapted your work skills in the 21st century?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 16, 2008, 05:32:13 PM
I no longer have to hide out in the womens bathroom. I just use small camera and transmit them to my cell phone. Here take a look at what your secretary is doing to your coffee!

Do you have any problems with cutting your hair?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RoninFox on March 16, 2008, 05:34:41 PM
Most of the problems will be suffered by the poor poor fool who tries to cut it.

How would you best market our product?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Nick on March 17, 2008, 08:43:17 AM
Here at our company, we truly care for our customers. If you don't buy our product, don't sweat it. We'll have friendly men in Black sedans come over to your house to help you understand how our product is better that anyone else's and if you buy the competitors again so help me God We will kill you! Ehem, we truly care. :)

What best motivates you to do a good job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 17, 2008, 10:05:54 AM
The knowledge  that if I do one day you will trust me and leave me alone with the open company safe.

Do people like you?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 17, 2008, 11:16:05 AM
I have the charisma of a serial killer.  The good kind.

There isn't any vacation time until a year on the job.  Is that a problem?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 17, 2008, 12:18:07 PM
And is that 365 days consecutively?  'Cause, man, I sure know YOU don't work that way!

There are no funds for a permanent change of station (i.e. move you to where the job is).  How soon will you be on-site?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 18, 2008, 04:27:20 PM
I've tuned up my cotton gin and restocked the leeches in my first-aid kit.

What would you do if you discovered that a co-worker was using a company-owned computer to download pornographic materials from the internet on company time?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 18, 2008, 04:54:46 PM
I would beat him to death with a pen.

Do you believe costumer safety is important?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 18, 2008, 05:06:19 PM
Indeed, as long as they are a safe distance from me, I'm happy.

Have you ever been fired from a job and if so, why?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 18, 2008, 08:12:16 PM
Yes, for being too sexy.  Scoff if you must, but women dig it (a little too much) when you free-ball while wearing your 5-year-old crotch-ripped jeans to work.

Will you take a psychological test?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 18, 2008, 08:21:25 PM
Let me confer with my voices....yes we think it will be just fine.

This job requires you to be in top physical shape.  Do you have a regiment to keep your self in good physical condition?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 18, 2008, 08:23:23 PM
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Name five things you do very well to extremely well.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 18, 2008, 08:48:21 PM
1. Follow directions
2. Counting to 5

Do you see making this into your career?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Doctor Who? on March 18, 2008, 09:06:01 PM
No I am just going to stick around long enough to get a credit card in your name and then I am gone.

How would you handle a shoplifter?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 19, 2008, 12:15:58 PM
Depends on how big he is....you didn't say anything about having to be able to lift large weights without assistance!!

Do you have a close relative who works for this company?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 19, 2008, 01:52:30 PM
My cousin Amy works here but we aren't close or intimate anymore since I caught her in bed with her brother...

What do you think is the most important quality in an employee?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 20, 2008, 08:03:38 AM
A pulse, but that can be optional these days....

Would you be willing to take a survey regarding our interview practices?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Plastic Self-Cleaning Duck on March 20, 2008, 10:18:44 AM
No, thank you.  I've done the interview.  Unemployment will be happy enough.  I have tickets for the cockfights in an hour.

What office machines are you able to use?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: RVR II on March 20, 2008, 10:21:07 AM
The Shreader! I was Awsome at Enron.. Uh.. :speechless:

Tell me your plans for your future.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 20, 2008, 07:42:58 PM
Well, from here I'm headed down to my cousin Bernie's to get baked, and then if we're coherent enough after that, we'll probably hit the bars and get drunk off our hinders for the rest of the evening.

Are you good at setting priorities for yourself?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 22, 2008, 06:20:54 PM
Yep sleep first, food second,  Playstation 3, and so on. 

Have you ever worked for a similar company?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: anais.jude on March 22, 2008, 07:58:31 PM
Well I had to be loyal in the mafia, so, yes?



Would you be willing to travel?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 23, 2008, 11:56:07 PM
I'll travel to the vending machine and back.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: bettertomorrowamy on March 24, 2008, 01:08:27 PM
Wearing your skin as a smoking jacket.

Why do you want to work for us?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 28, 2008, 01:18:35 AM
Your secretary has huge jugs.

Have you ever woked with operating systems other than Windows?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on March 29, 2008, 06:14:04 PM
Yeah, but when those breast implants exploded all over the room....well, the hospital wasn't too happy....

How many pens have you stolen from previous jobs during your working career?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on March 29, 2008, 09:27:57 PM
Well, a lot, but it was for a good cause.  I'm using them to build a life-size recreation of the Spirit Of St. Louis made entirely out of office supplies.

Would you ever play computer games on company time?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on March 29, 2008, 11:01:11 PM
No I am more into hardcore internet porn. Don't worry I bring my own lotion.

This job requires you to be on call. Do you have  cell phone or pager?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on March 30, 2008, 01:05:37 AM
I only work with carrier pigeons.

Would you be willing to undergo a psychological examination?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Bus Taker on April 01, 2008, 10:41:04 PM
Let's cut the pedantic bullshit and talk honestly.
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on April 02, 2008, 03:34:26 PM
Maybe the question Bus Taker meant to ask was "Would you ever ignore the rules of a thread to totally kill it?"

Try this one:

If you overheard two co-workers talking about another co-worker and complaining about the quality of her work, how would you deal with the situation?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on April 03, 2008, 12:30:25 AM
I would record the conversation and use it for personal gain. Then I would turn the tape over to the other employee anyway and get some popcorn and watch my own soap opera come to life.

Do require any special needs or assistance to perform your job?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: LBeria on April 03, 2008, 09:52:36 AM
Lots of on-the-job sleep time, regular delivery of snacks to my office, and hourly foot massages along with an underpaid worker-drone to do the actual work should be a big help!

What is your classification in the usage of the English language?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: daltysmilth on April 05, 2008, 09:25:47 PM
Que?

A customer asks about features of a product you are unfamiliar with.  How do you respond?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on April 05, 2008, 09:55:46 PM
Hang up the phone if it's a phone call,  hit them with my cell phone if it's in the store.

What do you think is your greatest asset?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Tripe on April 06, 2008, 06:52:44 AM
'scuse me while I whip this out...


So would you say you were a "people person"
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: orionpaxxx on April 06, 2008, 01:23:53 PM
I'm more of a breast man myself.

What was the one thing that you learned the most from in college?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Raven on April 06, 2008, 06:38:49 PM
Bowling 101 was a bitch but I worked through it.

How did you here about the position?
Title: Re: What We Wish We Could Say During Job Interviews
Post by: Darth Geek on April 06, 2008, 09:48:55 PM
Karma Sutra for the Paraplegic.

What special skills do you feel you bring to this company?