In an effort to keep this thread as helpful and a safe a space as possible, please do not lash out at people who respond to your posts....
If you want to ignore [someone's] advice, that's up to you, but please keep it civil.
A forum my wife is a member of has a rule - No JADEing.
Members should never:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain
Perhaps that's a bit extreme for this thread, but maybe we should all at least consider the content of our posts against that?
7cupsoftea.com (http://7cupsoftea.com) Its a site for people who just need someone to listen, but can't stand phone call hotlines.
http://www.fortrefuge.com/ (http://www.fortrefuge.com/) It is a forum specifically for abuse victims/survivors of all types.
Okay, so here's a few organizations that, if they can't help directly might very well be able to make useful suggestions if places that can.
TWO-SPIRIT SOCIETY OF DENVER
Phone: 303-777-9198
Email: urbanpeak@urbanpeak.org
A dedicated group of GBLT Native Americans and their partners in the Denver area who are united by their struggle to restore Two Spirited people to their rightful place in the sacred circle.
URBAN PEAK COLORADO SPRINGS
Phone: 719-630-3223
Email: coloradosprings@urbanpeak.org
Services for homeless and runaway youth
RAINBOW ALLEY
Phone: 303-831-0442
Rainbow Alley is a drop-in center designed to support GLBT youth and their allies ages 12-21. Our facility is a warm and welcoming environment, complete with supportive adults and youth. The Alley provides health services, counseling and referral, youth-lead events and activities, and life resources in a safe and supportive space.
2) A suicide hotline not answering the phone is all kinds of messed up. Maybe try calling back?Or try a different one. (http://suicidehotlines.com/colorado.html)
I would feel bad if I didn't post because Lucas basically started this because of what I said.
So, to answer things from that thread:
1) I didn't not expect anyone other than Lucas to reply
2) I have called a suicide help line. No one answered the phone. I suppose they are greatly understaffed
As for getting help, oh how I have tried. I have two therapists and a pysch. I have a support group for abuse victims, and, if I wanted to, I could always go to AA. I hate that place though. I think they offer empty answers.
Actually, I feel like I get passed around. My "friends" tell me to talk to my therapist and my therapists say talk to your friends or AA, and AA says read the big book or go to an effing meeting. So, maybe you can all understand why I feel passed around.
Now I think I might be an atheist
Lucas, please don't feel the way you feel. I didn't think your responses were thin or passing me around.
I can't really explain what I was thinking when I wrote it, but I don't feel it was interpreted as I intended.
also, I meant to spoiler my stuff, so I am going back to do that.
I did believe in god at one point. Now I think I might be an atheist (which is weird because I don't like atheists)
And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.
And I am on meds. And I will talk to my therapists about how much I feel they are not helping. It's weird, I will give up but continue to go through the motions. I don't know what that says about me.
Also, I have been working out a TON since Jan (my facebook friends can attest) and I have not only not lost weight, but I have gained it.
So that's another thing. Go to hell, life!
I constantly hope something comes along and kills me. Like, every day. I don't understand why feelings like that shock people so much.
I joined a boxing gym. American style boxing. It is a workout I've never experienced before. I gush sweat. I suck in breath at maximum lung capacity.This isn't a bad suggestion; it doesn't have to be boxing but some sort of physically demanding athletic activity might be worth giving a go. We've come to accept these talking about problems is the way to sort them out and it can be but it might, in some cases exacerbate the negative thoughts.
My muscles are huge. I look good. I have defense. I've developed both physical and mental resilience. I'm a force to be reckoned with.
I tell you it is very, very hard to hold on to mental problems when you are boxing.
If you can't get a handle on your thoughts and feelings then just give up and go box is what I say.
I joined a boxing gym. American style boxing. It is a workout I've never experienced before. I gush sweat. I suck in breath at maximum lung capacity.This isn't a bad suggestion; it doesn't have to be boxing but some sort of physically demanding athletic activity might be worth giving a go. We've come to accept these talking about problems is the way to sort them out and it can be but it might, in some cases exacerbate the negative thoughts.
My muscles are huge. I look good. I have defense. I've developed both physical and mental resilience. I'm a force to be reckoned with.
I tell you it is very, very hard to hold on to mental problems when you are boxing.
If you can't get a handle on your thoughts and feelings then just give up and go box is what I say.
Focusing on physical activity might help more than finding a different sort of person to speak to some more.
...I meant to spoiler my stuff, so I am going back to do that.
Lucas, please don't feel the way you feel. I didn't think your responses were thin or passing me around.
In the past two weeks, I have said the following words, outloud, "God, please kill me"
It's getting pretty bad. I never prayed to god to take my life before, I would usually just imagine it. Sometimes, when I think about death, I just think about peace. I associate death with peace.
Here are some quotes to describe how I feel about life:
"I dreamed a dream my life would be so different from the hell I'm living"
I live in hell cause I've been expelled from heaven....so give me something to sing about. please."
It's weird, I will give up but continue to go through the motions. I don't know what that says about me.
Also, I have been working out a TON since Jan (my facebook friends can attest) and I have not only not lost weight, but I have gained it.
So that's another thing. Go to hell, life!
Look, I get that it takes a lot of hard work to change and grow as a person, but I also believed that doing that hard work would be rewarded with at least something. There is a big empty feeling in my chest, it's there constantly, but the lack of friends (and especially the lack of boyfriend) just leads me to believe that there is something inherently broken or evil inside me. Other people gave similiar lives to mine, but they also have friends and marriages. I have a cat. I am so pathetic, the only people who might possibly listen to me are people on a forum that I have not met and would probably dislike me if they met me in real life.
And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.
And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.
I was able to get to the gym and then I went home and watched archer.
I'm pretty close to giving up completely, all my problems amplify each other and there's no way out. I'm not strong enough to keep doing this or ignoring things like I have been much longer, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything but drink to numb the pain and forget things for a while.
I'm pretty close to giving up completely, all my problems amplify each other and there's no way out. I'm not strong enough to keep doing this or ignoring things like I have been much longer, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything but drink to numb the pain and forget things for a while.
Thanks for the reply, Lucas. I'm not in a great state of mind to focus on intently reading it right now, though. My head is scattershotting all over the place and I had to eliminate all distractions to even skim that, and I barely absorbed anything from it. I'll come back and look at it when I'm feeling a little more focused and less self hatred.
Sorry to be dumping in here without adding support, thanks for your kind words. I'm still alive and I'm trying to try.
Warning, female stuff....
The waiting is the hardest part.
It's been a week and a half since the condom "incident". I am officially two days late with my monthly, but all the experts say to wait at least 2 to three weeks before doing a pregnancy test. Of course, an expensive blood test can pick it up sooner. But I am cramping like crazy, and I feel sick, and I still can't stop crying. And there are other female things I won't mention here. Heard a Randy Travis song on the radio yesterday and had to pull over on I-81 because I started bawling.
It may be nothing. It may be in my head. Maybe its just hormones. May be the stress of worrying. Monday will be two weeks. If my monthly visitor still hasn't made an appearance guess I'll do a home test and see what happens.
I'm too old for this shit.
I thought you could just go to the drug store and buy those sticks you pee on. Can't you just do that instead of fretting over this for days on end?They're not accurate until two-three weeks in, from what I gather.
If I'm not, he never needs to know.Oh yes, I think that's good. It's better for him but more importantly it's less hassle on you if it's nothing. If it does turn out to be positive he'll find out soon enough, you don't really need his concerns feeding into yours right at the moment.
You can get false negatives if you test too soon. Happened to my friend, she got negative twice because she tested too soon. Three months later she found out the truth. Its pretty common actually.I was "the boyfriend" in a situation like this 25 years back. Turned out ok (she wasn't), and hoping the same for you.
Talked to a nurse at my clinic and she said to wait 5 days after missed period to do the home test. And even then you can get a false negative. Monday is 6 days late. Over three weeks is the best amount of time to wait. She said even a blood test can be a false negative too early. They test for the "pregnancy hormone" and different women develop it at different rates.
I did talk to my best friend about it, and feel a bit better. Still haven't talked to the boyfriend about it though. If I'm not, he never needs to know.
Well, I started but it was light for two days. Which has never happened. Still having cramps and other female stuff I won't go into detail about here. Pregnancy test was negative, but somethings going on. Having pain around my ovaries and in my left side. Still emotional, still moody. Had a sonogram and transvaginal ultrasound today. To check on my innards.My money says it's stress, but my money plus a good doctor's opinion is a safer bet. It's one of the best tests of the strength of your relationship, too.
Its been two weeks and two days since the incident. I dont know what it is, but I can feel it. Something is going on.
My money says it's stress, but my money plus a good doctor's opinion is a safer bet.
Doc says I have a large ovarian cyst. Common among women, she said they usuaully go away on their own but they want to redo the test in 6 months. This can cause some of the problems I'm having.
Still worries me though. Another thing that has been lying on my mind is that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 36. I am 36. Cysts are rarely cancerous under the age of 40 but it can happen.
Down in a hole today. My life feels like a neverending rollercoaster from happy and hopeful to sad and hopeless. I would be ok with lying down and never getting up. Peace is an ellusive dream that taunts from high atop mountain peaks. Peace stands around surrounded by the kind of shiny happy people Michael Stipe wrote about, and all of them, Peace and his minions, are mocking me as I try to climb to reach them.Exploration is the point of life. That's why you keep moving forward. You have to keep on trying to get around the next corner to see what's there. I've been on that roller coaster you're talking about. It sucks, yeah, but getting off of it doesn't do anything for you. If you keep riding it, eventually, you'll find that it's going to get higher and higher, and as you keep going up, the falls that you experience won't always be so bad. You've just gotta find something that pushes you forward and gives you hope. Set minor goals for yourself, and feel awesome when you achieve those goals. Then you set bigger and bigger goals for yourself, and you feel more awesome about those. Believe in the you that believes in you.
What's the point of moving forward I guess is what I am trying to say.
Lovely. I get to feel more and more horrible about myself. I call my mom to talk about something that had been bothering me for a few days. I mentioned something to her a few days ago that I had found out how easy it was to get my name changed, and she seemed really annoyed with that. I asked her, and she started YELLING at me that she didn't like that I wanted to change my name, because... and then was just like it was garbage. I feel junky from that, and then I took a shower and felt HUGE. I wanted to go over to hang out with some people, and talk, but then like 3 other people showed up, so I didn't get a chance to talk about anything, so I'm on edge. Then, I talk to someone who accuses me of being a FRAUD. Then they call me fat.
I'm just frustrated and done. I feel sick, I've got a headache, I'm having body issues that I haven't had in YEARS. I can't talk to my mom, and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care about her, I still need her approval on some level. It's making me sick. I have to go see relatives tomorrow, and they're not pleasant, and I'm really not wanting to go. I'm just feeling really down and horrible about myself.
Congrats on the 1-week and 2-week anniversaries! :clap: Those are big accomplishments. And the beginning sense of optimism is part of the pay-off for that. You have every right to be proud of yourself.:angry:
Things will change, they always do over time, something you can't even imagine now might change your life someday, so give yourself the chance to discover it.
QV, I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. [If I weren't in such bad shape and worn out myself, maybe I could write more than I can here. I hope what I do write makes sense.]
First, ignorant people will never understand anything that doesn't fit their narrow pre-existing awareness (particularly those who choose to remain ignorant). Those who quote the Bible, or Christianity, to discredit a different idea or an idea they don't like are not being Christian [Christ-ian], as Jesus accepted everyone. And, no, to reframe their twisted way of viewing it, God does not make mistakes, S/HE made you just as you are: a woman born in a man's body, for whatever reason.
I think something that may help is - instead of trying to change the opinions of people who are vile enough to not speak out about those being persecuted (whether LGBT, or race, or whatever) - possibly consider a change of locale. Do you like San Francisco? It is one of the most mentally and spiritually advanced cities in the country with regards to thinking about who someone is. The people there actually pay attention to what kind of person someone is, not how they look, not what chromosomes they were born with (there are, obviously, other places [usually cities] that are similar, but that is sort-of the gold standard). You are unlikely to find acceptance in the American South's Bible Belt.
But as MartyS said in different words, please don't make any permanent actions based on these temporary situations (being mistreated by ignorant people who you happen to be related to). I am quite fond of his last statement, so I'll quote it again here:Things will change, they always do over time, something you can't even imagine now might change your life someday, so give yourself the chance to discover it.
I have no contact with my aunt and uncle any more, other than my apparently belligerent emails trying to get them to see how horrible they're being. I speak to my mother fairly often, because when my friends are busy, she's the only one who answers. Tonight, I told her that if she's not going to make an effort to get me to feel loved, then I don't need her in my life anymore. I'm going to probably do the same with my father, since mom won't tell him any of that, and maybe some other membersof my family. I don't think it's too much to ask that I get treated like a person.
So what I'm planning on doing today, after I get out of the doctors and before work, is heading to an AT&T store to have them unlock my phone, and then I'll head to T-Mobile to pay the necessary fees and get service set up with them. New number, new everything. I will not be giving any family members my phone number. As far as completely cutting myself off from the family, its still up in the air. If they're willing to attempt to make me feel loved and cared for, I won't stop. But if they carry on the way that they have been, ignoring me completely, then no. What I need is love and support, and they don't seem willing to give that to me.
I don't know if it would help, I would give you a hug over the Internet, if I could.
So what I'm planning on doing today, after I get out of the doctors and before work, is heading to an AT&T store to have them unlock my phone, and then I'll head to T-Mobile to pay the necessary fees and get service set up with them. New number, new everything. I will not be giving any family members my phone number. As far as completely cutting myself off from the family, its still up in the air. If they're willing to attempt to make me feel loved and cared for, I won't stop. But if they carry on the way that they have been, ignoring me completely, then no. What I need is love and support, and they don't seem willing to give that to me.
I think this is probably a good idea. No one should ever feel obliged to subject themselves to being treated like shit (especially by the very people who are supposed to protect you from harm). Maybe things will improve with your family one day, but it's not incumbent on you to hang on and endure their abuse while they get their own bad wiring sorted out. You're young, and your entire life is in front of you. It's your family members' own responsibility to get themselves to a place where they're suitable to be a part of that life.
And try not to get too hung up on what your body is or isn't (but stop fucking smoking, seriously; among every other way it's bad for you, smoking makes hormones less effective). Gender identity isn't about looking a certain way; it's about being who you are, regardless of how others might perceive you.
Part of me is being comfortable with my appearance. It's really hard for me to justify my unlikable ass.
I think the side effects are worth the result. Anyone who would "like" another person's serious pain is making the choice to be a disgusting human being.
I think the side effects are worth the result. Anyone who would "like" another person's serious pain is making the choice to be a disgusting human being.
I'm not worried at all bout losing his content, but, say he started the 'wwooo' thread, for example, I believe deleting his account will take the entire thread and everyone's posts with it.
Are there call lines set up, that when you need to talk to someone, there is a group to call? I have heard about ones existing for many things.
I'm doing at least somewhat better, now. I'm not sure what I should do about work and all this. I can't keep missing days, but I'm getting to a point where I'm non functioning. Not to mention I'm entirely trapped in the job; I can't leave, I desperately need it, but my life circumstances are making it hard for me to keep it. extremely irritating. :(
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief. You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.
It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once? e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]). Any of these would be stressful by itself. To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.
Yes, they are all important. But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest. [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority. Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief. You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.
It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once? e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]). Any of these would be stressful by itself. To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.
Yes, they are all important. But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest. [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority. Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]
I do have quite a few plates spinning at the moment, but I'm scared that if I let one drop, then the rest are going to come crashing down. None of them are unimportant, and so not working towards all of them feels wrong.
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief. You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.
It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once? e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]). Any of these would be stressful by itself. To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.
Yes, they are all important. But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest. [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority. Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]
I do have quite a few plates spinning at the moment, but I'm scared that if I let one drop, then the rest are going to come crashing down. None of them are unimportant, and so not working towards all of them feels wrong.
I had to look this up tonight & thought I would post it here in case anyone might find it helpful.
http://www.fortrefuge.com/
It is a forum specifically for abuse victims/survivors of all types. I looked it up because I was having a hard time dealing with my daily dose of mental abuse (yes it's a real thing) and thought it might help if I had someone to talk to about it.
That is all.
Since my friends haven't had time for me lately, I've been going to 7cupsoftea. Its a site for people who just need someone to listen, but can't stand phone call hotlines. Chatting is a lot easier for mw.
I struggle with depression, and today seems like it will be a tough one.
(I wrote more here, but it seemed kind of pointless, so I deleted it. In short, no reason, just down. It happens.)
Crashed soooo badly the last few months, investigating meditation and cognitive emotional/behavioral therapy right now. Just have to find the motivation to get out of bed and actually focus on anything long enough to start and commit to it.
First step may be keeping more active in this thread.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
WOW, that sounds like it could be horrific... obviously helpful but, wow.
Well the lack of pot lasted a long and hard day. Damn it's easy accessibility! Although I realize it was ultimately my choice.
Such an addict. :(
Well the lack of pot lasted a long and hard day. Damn it's easy accessibility! Although I realize it was ultimately my choice.
Such an addict. :(
Have you tried replacing it with another fixation? Chewing gum, or even putting a pen in your mouth? I picked up the second one after I quit smoking the first time.
It's that time of year again, apparently. I realized that it's the end of April, which corresponds to the beginning of the issues I had a few years back, so now I'm depressed, moody, and lacking every bit of identity I've scraped together. I just feel like nothing, and I have no control over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have the drive to shower or leave my room. I feel like crying constantly, and it keeps getting worse.
It's that time of year again, apparently. I realized that it's the end of April, which corresponds to the beginning of the issues I had a few years back, so now I'm depressed, moody, and lacking every bit of identity I've scraped together. I just feel like nothing, and I have no control over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have the drive to shower or leave my room. I feel like crying constantly, and it keeps getting worse.
How much of this have you talked about with your therapist?
My boy addiction sucks! :grr:
Anais, don't be "sad" about being told you were more attractive when sober, use it to stay sober. I hate to use the word always but people on something are pretty much always less attractive to people not on something...
Starting over is probably the best thing for you, if you work at making it a fresh start, avoiding falling in with people that will reinforce bad habits.
So I plan on filling my days with looking for a job, working out, hanging out with los sobrinos, and reading/writing. :)
I spent 10 days tracking everything I ate, eating roughly 1500 cal (when My Fitness pal says I could eat 2500), and working out everyday (sometimes twice) and walking the dog 30-60 min. My body didn't lose weight, instead it gained 2 pounds.
I hate my body and I want to stab it with a knife.
I spent 10 days tracking everything I ate, eating roughly 1500 cal (when My Fitness pal says I could eat 2500), and working out everyday (sometimes twice) and walking the dog 30-60 min. My body didn't lose weight, instead it gained 2 pounds.
I hate my body. It's already this disgusting pile of ugly with all the extra skin that won't shrink, but now, even when I do the right things, it won't lose weight. I hate it and I want to stab it. Violently. I want to go slasher movie all over it until nothing is left of it but a pile of blood.
Can you Skype with them or use a land line?
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)
Have you considered Dianetics? Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.
I hope you aren't feeling that way because I was talking about it. If so, I am sorry.
Have you considered Dianetics? Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/
I've heard some spells from the Harry Potter books can be just as effective.
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.
umm...him or me? I assure you sir I was not being funny.
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.
umm...him or me? I assure you sir I was not being funny.
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.
Have you considered Dianetics? Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity. It's something you can do anywhere, anytime. It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game. And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity. It's something you can do anywhere, anytime. It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game. And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.
I'd actually disagree with the game portion of that. For me, when I'm playing Skyrim or something like that, I'm telling a story to myself, so it's similar to a book, but I get more invested in it because I'm a direct part of the story. Problem is that I haven't been able to make a Skyrim character stick in these past few weeks.
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity. It's something you can do anywhere, anytime. It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game. And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.
I'd actually disagree with the game portion of that. For me, when I'm playing Skyrim or something like that, I'm telling a story to myself, so it's similar to a book, but I get more invested in it because I'm a direct part of the story. Problem is that I haven't been able to make a Skyrim character stick in these past few weeks.
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."
What did you do after that? :(
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."
What did you do after that? :(
Cried on my pillow for 10 minutes and called my therapist.
Do you think you might qualify for some financial aid now for a votech type of degree or something you could finish at night school? English is a really, REALLY tough field to crack into (I think the last English job at my wife's school got over 100 applicants), but there are other subjects you might be qualified to teach, and getting a degree in that should be a different enough thing that you might be OK.
And thanks for the support, LucasM. I was right about feeling stupid for posting after I did it, but I left it up because I needed to vent somewhere.
At least I do have some moments of almost fully realized happiness and inner peace, I just wish those moments would last longer.
Also, I know I keep saying this to myself, but I really need to get out of the house more. Note to self, get out of the house more.
I forgot if I mentioned this already or not, but that Starship Enterprise you built was pretty awesome, especially when you got it all lit up. I believe that was you.
Thanks.
Yeah, I just need to force myself out, because I'm rarely ever actually in the mood to leave the house, even when I can think of something to do or somewhere to go.
Just some personal thoughts I wanted to vent:
Sometimes I wish that I were asexual and had no libido.
Sometimes I think my problems aren't even that big, and could be easily solved if I would just get over myself. I think maybe I am addicted to sadness and depression. Like it somehow comforts me, even though I don't want it to. I know it's not all my fault though, but it's something I should probably work on more... but I just don't like lying to myself or 'tricking myself' into being happy or optimistic when I'm really not feeling that way... Other times I feel like deep, deep down I am happy at times, but I just won't let myself bring it to the surface. At least I do have some moments of almost fully realized happiness and inner peace, I just wish those moments would last longer.
Well, thanks to the family drama I mentioned a while back I'm looking at being homeless. :speechless:
I'm trying to figure that out now. I've been taking care of my mom for a while now pretty much full-time. My brother decided that because of my past issues to assume legal control and has said he intends to evict me.
I hope things go well with your Mum and your therapist, the fact she's willing to go at all seems like a good sign.I can already tell you what will happen. She will act like she will do things. A weeking later she'll act as she always has. A lot of fake niceness aND biting her tongue.
No. I know Satan, well. All of His names. Your mother is not Satan. Not even close. I know you think that is funny. But. It is not.
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)
Nothing you wrote, especially the quote above is helpful at all, quite the opposite.
Seeing others suffer, especially when the movie is about true events, doesn't make one feel better when suffering the pain of depression, it makes it worse. Depression has absolutely nothing to do with one needing "perspective". Telling people in pain that they shouldn't feel that way because others had and have it worse only adds a little extra pain and guilt, so again, not helpful at all.
Suffering only makes you stronger and a little wiser if you survive it, the saying itself doesn't help at all when in the middle of it.
Yeah, I should never be a suicide hotline guy...
I am what, the ancient Pagan Priests' would call, an asshole.
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.
Power through it girl. Someday you'll look back at this time and thank yourself for getting through it.
Fif they give you anything to help, while you wait?I was hoping they would prescribe something but mostly all I got to do was talk to a therapist for a while. To be fair, she did help me out a bit with some interesting insights.
Fif they give you anything to help, while you wait?I was hoping they would prescribe something but mostly all I got to do was talk to a therapist for a while. To be fair, she did help me out a bit with some interesting insights.
My anxiety levels got so bad yesterday that I had to check myself into the hospital. I can't begin to describe what it's like for your mind to perpetually make you feel like you have to suffer for every single little thing, every little mistake, every little misstep in your life.
Anyway, their beds were full at the one hospital and also at UNM hospital, so they discharged me and sent me home with instructions to make an appointment with a facility specializing in neurology.
Anyone who needs perspective on a "Bad Day" needs to watch a "Holocaust" movie, I recommend, "Conspiracy" by HBO films, but any other will do. I submit, that no one on this board and very few on the internet that have attempted suicide or cutting, whinged in therapy, etc, can say that the entire world turned against me, denied me food and water... gassed me to death and then burned my body to leave no trace that I existed.
...
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)
You are right, QV, how about we talk about how awesome you are! (I am not kidding), you are brave and your screen name and Icon is awesome!
My Nihilist tendencies were seeping out there and I am embarrassed.
I have always loved your posts and I think you are great! And, you are very attractive!
I will be praying for you and talking to the gods about you come this Spring Equinox...
Much LOVE!
RANDY! (The Sore Irish Asshole)
Marty, I DID apologize. I just have too much of my mother in me. I would say, "I am hungry!" and she would answer, "You don't know what hunger is!" and then she would fall down the steps like a drunken drag queen.
In my psych rotation in pre-med, I crashed out of that course, too, WHY? I couldn't handle the whinging, (whining), And I would say something like grow a pair of balls... and then I would fail the class.
I am an asshole... it's a clinical problem. I'm on meds for it....
QV I am sorry, I guess I am trying too hard. Forgive me if I made you uncomfortable or upset you in any way.
And LucasM, I am surrounded by mob guys, are you a fucking idiot? Never talk about my mother or my family again. Unless I say that you can.
Boiler Plate disclaimer: The preceding statement was an internet fantasy, I am not now, or have I ever been associated with organized crime.
...the head injuries took away my 'filters' that allow me to keep external emotions from 'getting in' and taking over. I have far more intense and often unexpectedly strong reactions to emotions going on around me.... I also have intensely strong reactions to emotional scenes in TV and films, or in written interchanges. Often harsh words to me - even in an e-mail - feel like a physical assault, it is that intense.
So, this might not be a HELP situation, but I am curious about something:
I have a really hard time sticking to a diet and exercise routine. I did really good for the month of January, then during the month of Feb I would rock for three days, then say fuck it for three days, then repeat the process.
I have talked to my therapist about this, and she wants me to examine why I am afraid of success. Why do I want to fail.
I have no idea. I don't know what to think. Yes, there is a part of me that is so used to being overweight I feel safe this way, but then I read the My Fitness Pal forums and I read a lot of hatred for fat people, and I think to myself, why would I want to stay this way? I am very confused, and, unlike other aspects of my life (not drinking, etc) I have no fucking idea where to start.
So...why would a person want to "fail"? Why wouldn't a person want to be the best person they can be all the time? I also have days where I literally do not get out of bed except to walk the dog. I feel happy overall, so I wouldn't say that I am more depressed than normal, but I am stuck when it comes to trying to lose this damn weight and complete my blog and reading/research goals.
So, yes. Help please.
Also, I have GOT to stop reading the My Fitness Pal forums. It makes me feel horribly invalidated. :(
So, this might not be a HELP situation, but I am curious about something:
I have a really hard time sticking to a diet and exercise routine. I did really good for the month of January, then during the month of Feb I would rock for three days, then say fuck it for three days, then repeat the process.
I have talked to my therapist about this, and she wants me to examine why I am afraid of success. Why do I want to fail.
I have no idea. I don't know what to think. Yes, there is a part of me that is so used to being overweight I feel safe this way, but then I read the My Fitness Pal forums and I read a lot of hatred for fat people, and I think to myself, why would I want to stay this way? I am very confused, and, unlike other aspects of my life (not drinking, etc) I have no fucking idea where to start.
So...why would a person want to "fail"? Why wouldn't a person want to be the best person they can be all the time? I also have days where I literally do not get out of bed except to walk the dog. I feel happy overall, so I wouldn't say that I am more depressed than normal, but I am stuck when it comes to trying to lose this damn weight and complete my blog and reading/research goals.
So, yes. Help please.
Also, I have GOT to stop reading the My Fitness Pal forums. It makes me feel horribly invalidated. :(
Anais, something that strikes me about your desire to be thinner is that it's still kind of doing it for someone else. You want to be thinner to stick it to other people. Not that dick heads don't need to be taken down a peg, but maybe that's your issue. It should be something that, above all is for yourself. Even if you DO use it like that, it should be because being thinner will put you at the place that you want to be, not because you'll be able to make all the dudebros swoon. That's just my opinion. I may be wrong.
So Lucas, would "I want to lose weight so that I can be hot and all the men can want me and I can shove it in their face" be a good enough motivator.
I am totally not kidding, that is one of the reasons I want to do it. I think the fact that I am 33 and not married is a huge motivator. But I have also been told I am not pretty my entire life (quite literally) so I have a lot of shit happening in this brain.
Ok, let's try something else. I want to eat healthy because...wow, I think I only want to do it because society tells me to.
I might need to find something I like about eating healthier and then do this exercise....
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.
Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.
Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.
Surprise. Mr. Holier Than Thou is telling me to get the alcohol out of my house.
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.
Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.
Surprise. Mr. Holier Than Thou is telling me to get the alcohol out of my house.
Found out that my mother may have cancer. My response? Good. this is the relationship I have with this woman.I'm very sorry QV. :( . That's horrible and I'm not going to pretend like anything I can say is going to help. Just do what you think is best and treasure every moment.
Found out that my mother may have cancer. My response? Good. this is the relationship I have with this woman.
:highfive: Can you forgive a good person? If so, there's one in your mirror that needs forgiveness. If not, maybe learning to forgive is something worth considering.Forgiveness is tricky. Some things people can't forgive, and I completely understand that. Outside of the Christian point of view on the subject, I think forgiveness is good and a healthy practice. It's the best way to move on with our lives. I sometimes find I also dredge up old hard feelings against somebody and I have to tell myself "come on, that was a long fucking time ago, let it go already!".
If I think about it long enough, I can get pissed off about stuff that happened in elementary school. And I graduated high school in the 1970's. Yoda says it's the dark side. ::)That'll happen. It's human nature to carry grudges and get pissed off over things that should be in the past. If we can carry on as though it doesn't matter anymore, then it's okay. I know that's kind of a cop-out because it's basically asking you to live a lie, but it's true. If I try hard enough, I can forgive that motherfucker who accidentally hit my dog in the jaw with a baseball bat 11 years ago.
Wow. I'm having a blazing anxiety attack. I actually feel like this guy
--> :speechless:
I have an anxiety disorder. My body and mind generate false anxiety attacks, or have excessive response to normal anxiety producing situations.
My heart is pounding, and my whole body is shaking, and there's nothing wrong. It's been a good day! Yet, my body and mind are experiencing very intense anxiety over nothing, and I realize it's over nothing, but that doesn't ease the anxiety.
An anxiety attack is similar to that feeling you have right after someone or something startles you, except, you remain startled for hours, days or weeks. It's that feeling you have right before you say to someone, "Damn! You scared the heck out of me!" Except, that feeling remains.
It kinda blows.
I took 50mg of Crazertol and two Plasterdils. Maybe that will help.
:highfive: Can you forgive a good person? If so, there's one in your mirror that needs forgiveness. If not, maybe learning to forgive is something worth considering.Forgiveness is tricky. Some things people can't forgive, and I completely understand that. Outside of the Christian point of view on the subject, I think forgiveness is good and a healthy practice. It's the best way to move on with our lives. I sometimes find I also dredge up old hard feelings against somebody and I have to tell myself "come on, that was a long fucking time ago, let it go already!".
I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad. :'(
I guess I can call the help line. 1 800-273-8255 if anyone else needs it.I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad. :'(
Can you call someone?
I guess I can call the help line. 1 800-273-8255 if anyone else needs it.I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad. :'(
Can you call someone?
Really glad you were able to talk to a friend!That's always dearly important to me. When I tend to have these episodes, thankfully they come and go but when I have them they are very acute so I need to talk to somebody ASAP otherwise I risk having to check myself back into the hospital for observation.
Yeah, starting from scratch is always so frustrating. I must have repeated my entire pathology before at least 10-15 people already. It gets very tiresome.
QV, I can't remember- are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you need someone to talk to, that isn't close to you. A neutral person. Is there a neutral person you can call when things are super bad? A help line, or some sort of phone counselor?
QV, did you go to therapy today? Any issues with the doc or staff? Did you stay home? What happened?
If you admit you reacted badly and apologized, there's nothing more you can do except repeat it again to get her to accept your apology. Leave out the part where she hurt you this time and see if she acts the same way in the future, that's the time to bring up that part of it again.
But there are people that will never admit that anything they do causes discomfort for anyone else, I've encountered one very bad case of that, even after loosing their job it didn't sink in... The "that's just the way I am" defense only works for a short while when someone is verbally abusing everyone around them.
She believe that I'm also a self centered drama queen. I said, I'll explore that, can you give me an example of my behavior that makes you think that about me? and her response was "Wow, why am I surprised, it's like you don't even want to try and change."
She sounds like a b-word to me. I would just stop talking to her.
I haven't had control through our whole marriage because I take my time and she steps up and just does stuff if I don't do it on her schedule. And it's not just me she does that with. It happened when she took over our Cub Scout pack becaus no one else would do it. It's happened at her current job when the "lead" teacher is reluctant to interact with the parents. It's an admirable quality, but one that clashes with my own laissez faire approach to life.
I haven't had control through our whole marriage because I take my time and she steps up and just does stuff if I don't do it on her schedule. And it's not just me she does that with. It happened when she took over our Cub Scout pack becaus no one else would do it. It's happened at her current job when the "lead" teacher is reluctant to interact with the parents. It's an admirable quality, but one that clashes with my own laissez faire approach to life.
Sounds like you want to have control but don't want to "take" control, and she might not like to be in control but likes to step in if no one else takes charge....
That's a tough one, both of you would have to make somewhat large changes to your personalities to avoid resentments building up over time, which seems to be what has happened.
Been talking to a friend of mine tonight. His fiance just left him. I hate myself because I have to fight hitting on him.
It sounds to me like she's being incredibly childish And avoiding talking about things because they're difficult. As such, she's enjoying the single life and simultaneously ignoring the fact that she has kids at home. I think its a little interesting that her whole thing was she wanted that suburban dream, and her way to accomplish that is to ignore the kids. She's probably doing it to an extent because she still has feelings for you. Hence why she took interest in your talking to an ex. Being around you all the time is painful. She has to accept that even though she loves you, you two want different things. And until she does that, she's just going to continue avoiding everything.
Have you tried to sit her down and talk about this again?
Also, if I were you, I would make more "plans." Even if it just means you walk down the street and read a book for several hours. It seems like she takes advantage of the fact that you don't like going out more. Basically, you should start the week by dividing it up. You reserve the right to go out M, W, and F, and she goes out T, Th, and Sat. On Sunday you guys...um...I don't know, but hopefully you see what I am getting at.
UPDATE: I just realized something. Holy shit, Randy was right. Who knew?
:clap: That was a hell of a great post, Jedi! :highfive:
My advice would just to be to relax. You are certainly not the first guy who does this kind of thing when his relationship has just fallen apart. So don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to direct those emotions you're having to another outlet. I'd say it's likely a lot of confusion left over and feelings for your exwife. No one likes to have those feelings projected onto them. You just really need to find some outlet for those feelings so that you don't gush to your ex girlfriend
Soguru, I'm glad that you can see beyond whatever happened. And yes, sometimes our worst difficulties become our greatest strengths in the long run, if we can make it through them.Thank you Lucas. It's been very difficult. At this point, I'd also like to say if I ever do anything that offends anybody, please, send me a private message or tell me on the forum about it. The sooner, the better. I promise I won't be a jerk about it. I'll listen, and I'll say "I'm sorry, I promise I will work on that.". I just don't need anymore drama or animosity these days.
[I just re-read that second sentence and it sounds cliche'd, but having been through very difficult times myself, I realize that I've been better able to understand and be there for others (my own capacity permitting, which, admittedly, isn't often these days).]
I'm glad you are able to start letting it go. If you aren't already, try to allow yourself to grieve any personal loss you felt from any of it so it doesn't stay stuck.
Yeah, I think it's best to be straightforward. If you think someone might be hurt by confronting them with something you don't like about the way they act or behave, you should still tell them anyway. I say this because is that anger over their behavior going to boil inside of you and eventually come out in the form of rage? It's still best to just tell them "Hey, we need to talk about this..." and tell them what upsets you and tell them they need to work on that. "I don't mean to upset you but I really need you to listen and work on this...this is important because we're friends and I value your friendship.". I think that's about the most delicate way you can approach the subject without putting them on the defensive.
Yeah, I think it's best to be straightforward. If you think someone might be hurt by confronting them with something you don't like about the way they act or behave, you should still tell them anyway. I say this because is that anger over their behavior going to boil inside of you and eventually come out in the form of rage? It's still best to just tell them "Hey, we need to talk about this..." and tell them what upsets you and tell them they need to work on that. "I don't mean to upset you but I really need you to listen and work on this...this is important because we're friends and I value your friendship.". I think that's about the most delicate way you can approach the subject without putting them on the defensive.
But what if they are highly sensitive and tell you not to tell them things that might upset them?
But what if they are highly sensitive and tell you not to tell them things that might upset them?I think there is a line. But if something this person did hurts you in some way, I still think you should tell the person so. It's possible to approach the person delicately about it and say "I'm really hurt by this, and you need to realize it.". I don't think anybody likes criticism, but if there needs to be closure and making peace between friends, then it needs to happen anyway.
I've got my support group tomorrow night... I'm very happy about that. It's been two weeks since our last support group, and support group helps me so much with my life and my irrational mind. Today, I started having this monologue in my head "I am 37 today god dammit, I am getting way too fucking old to let fear rule my life. I am going to live not for myself, but for other people. I am going to work so hard to make myself a better person and help other people with their lives so they don't have to go through what I did."
You're not stupid... you're not useless... everybody's life has immense value. We all need each other in order to survive the harsh and painful world we live in. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others. Just focus on how you can make yourself, the lives of others and the world a better place so it can be happy for everyone, including yourself.
It feels like that's the only decision I can make that has weight.
Soguru kun,I appreciate that Miku Fan. Thank you. I had a nice time at group tonight. It's refreshing, and I know they feel likewise that I go someplace where I can go, be honest, grow with these people and in turn help them deal with whatever they're going through. Already, they trust me so implicitly and I can't help but have a great deal of respect for that. They give me respect, I must in turn show great love and respect in turn.
You must live for yourself. It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of human nature. Accepting that is the answer to most mental health issues. The person that needs your help, respect, acceptance, understanding and patience the most is...you. Make peace with yourself, and the world becomes a better place. I like that you are getting tired of feeling like this! That's a great thing. :) It's pretty darn hard to get better until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Please tell your inner Gordan Ramsey to "shut the fuck up"
I'm glad he was able to talk you into getting some help. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I don't know how anyone could be so callous to their own kid, but I've seen it firsthand with my ex's family, so I know it happens. I hope your mom comes to her senses and doesn't leave you on your own. While it's best to be able to support yourself, you can't just be thrown out on the street and be expected to suddenly be able to get your ducks in a row.
The thought of death is bouncing around in my head today. I'm frustrated and I don't know what I want to be doing. I feel confused and stuck and just lost. I hate this.
In addition to my other... diagnoses... I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. My doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer that seems to be working a bit better than some of the others that's actually supposed to increase my neurotransmitter activity and I'm fairly pleased with it. I'm actually not having any freaky, weird-ass side effects.
Now if only I could hook up with somebody...
Sounds like an anxiety attack, to me. In my opinion, focusing on anything BUT how you are feeling is a good idea. You're focusing on, "something is wrong with me," and THAT, I think, IS what's wrong with you this evening.It is, but this isn't so much an anxiety attack as it is the realization that my brain isn't acting like it's supposed to.
Fight the inner voice! It's a liar.
Well, you made it through the night. I didn't know how bad you were feeling. Im glad you are feeling well enough to post. :)Yeah, and with my therapist too.
This might be a good thing to bring up at your group meeting. :highfive:
When will you get to talk to the doc that prescribed the new med to you?It's going to be a few weeks, but I'm going to see my therapist Thursday. I'm in a really bad place right now and I'm just really upset over things. Today was a horrible day.
I don't know anything about psychiatric meds other than I have really bad reactions to them. :speechless:
So, i can't take them.
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.
Well, the fact that she is trying to come up with justifications might be a positive thing. At least some part of her realizes she was doing something wrong. Small steps are better than no steps.
If you're having a had reaction to meds, you need to call your psychiatrist. Bad meds can be really dangerous.I know, the way they can change the personality is pretty scary. :speechless:
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.
Well, the fact that she is trying to come up with justifications might be a positive thing. At least some part of her realizes she was doing something wrong. Small steps are better than no steps.
We had a talk tonight about how she was an awful parent and I made it clear to her that even though she did her best doesn't mean that it's ok she did horribly. But no, I'm not going to believe it. Not until I see the efforts. I've given that family a million chances. They don't actually know me. None of my family does.
Okay... this isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, but I had a coupon for something at a fast food place, and they weren't very sure they wanted to accept it, saying they've never seen one like it before. I got upset, feeling like I was being labeled or something and left, on the way to my next destination I started crying and started thinking about killing myself. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like this in a similar situation... it just really shocks me how moody I can get and the circumstances leading to that can be very bizarre.
I don't know you and have never commented on anything like this. But you should really talk to someone about this kind of thing. It might not help right away, but if you're hurting that badly, you need to know there are folks who want to talk to you about this kind of thing.Don't worry, I do, on a regular basis. I've called the help line several times over the past few weeks, plus I always tell my therapist what's going on in my head, as well as my doctor and my support group.
-dale
Soguru! You're leaving us in suspense! What did they say about your mood swings? Do they think it's your medicine? Make an appointment with your prescribing doctor? And did you try talking to the llllllladies in the group?? How did it go?I'm still on my mood stabilizer but I have to be careful with the damn thing because it can swing me too far the other way too and shake me into emotional apathy and that makes me scared too. I don't see my therapist and support group until Thursdays now.
Ah, OK. I hope it's a temporary thing, and hope the meds help you. I had to deal with my problems without meds, because I have bad reactions, every time. It can be done without meds, but you still suffer a lot while going through therapy, which was a total pain.It's working out better than a lot of other meds I've tried before. I am doing good in therapy, but I especially enjoy my support group. Unfortunately most of the women in group are already married or taken in some other fashion. That's okay, they're wonderful people and they're so good to me and I owe them for trusting me, seeing as I am the only guy in the group.
Okay... this isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, but I had a coupon for something at a fast food place, and they weren't very sure they wanted to accept it, saying they've never seen one like it before. I got upset, feeling like I was being labeled or something and left, on the way to my next destination I started crying and started thinking about killing myself. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like this in a similar situation... it just really shocks me how moody I can get and the circumstances leading to that can be very bizarre.
Another weird/interesting thing: I can't bring myself to use coupons or even loyalty cards. Can't do it at all. I wonder how much money I could have saved, if I bothered to use those. :oThe way I see it, as long as they're legit, take whatever advantage you can. They're basically just gift cards, so always feel free to use them.
NOOOOOO! Don't date anyone in your support group! Bad idea! They are dealing with intense issues themselves, and are currently "unstable," themselves.
If you want to date someone, date someone who is finished with therapy. Or at least, NOT in your group.
therapy only works if the people doing therapy with you don't have a personal relationship with you. (family/marriage therapy is the exception to that). If you have a personal relationship with one of these people, it will interfere with the progress BOTH of you are making.
HA! No one listens to that. Bloody savages.What do you mean?
No one has ever said anything about it being or sounding like ptsd to me. I haven't talked to anyone about it.
HA! No one listens to that. Bloody savages.What do you mean?
I mean that I HATE it when people who meet in a support group start dating and, to date, it has happened 4 TIMES (and those were just in my support groups). I ended up losing two friends because they started dating each other and then I was the third wheel (story of my life). I also know someone who worked for a rehab facility and then started dating a patient (I had to block her on FB because I was so sick of seeing her hypocrisy).Ahhh. Yes, I agree with you. It probably is a very bad idea. I think people believe because other people who are like them because they're in a support group too that they'll finally find love or something. It can also make group sessions very awkward I imagine. I don't like feeling like a third wheel either. I've had that before and it always bothers the hell out of me.
Every therapist will tell you it's a bad idea to date someone you meet in a support group, but no one listens to or cares, they just date each other anyway.
Who the fuck am I kidding? Seriously. I'll never be able to work. I can't do anything. I'm absolutely worthless, pathetic, useless. My being alive is a drain on everyone around me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I'm trash garbage useless. I'll never do anything. I'll never be anyone. I'll always be this broken useless piece of trash. I can't do this.HEY... Come on. YOU ARE NOT USELESS. You are important not just to the people you know in real life, but you're important to people on this forum too. Seeing your posts makes me very happy, and I'm sure it makes a lot of other people here happy too. You are valued here, where you are, and to everyone who knows you. Stop beating yourself up and stop being so down on yourself! It's not good for you to be channeling this negative energy, because you deserve so much better! You owe yourself so much better and more!!! Remember that! :)
He's been there so much for me and given me so much strength, but I'm such a shitty horrible person that I keep hurting him like this, and I hate myself for it. I want to stay with him, but I can't decide if it's better for his sake if we just let this go. And i don't want to lose him.I'm of the school of thought that it's best to try and let things go, but I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. If you need to talk to him about it and express your feelings about things, don't be afraid to do so. Just remember, you know yourself and him better than the rest of us, so maybe if you relax and meditate on things for a while the right answer for you will eventually come.
Why does he hate me? I still love him so much. I can't do this. He's the sweetest most amazing person and I still love him and I can';t doing this
Well that sucks. Sorry to hear all that.Not sure. She's currently at the doctor's office to find out more info.
Did they do a CA-125 blood test? While not a foolproof test for ovarian cancer, if it's negative at least there's a chance it's not cancer.
Is she having the operation to remove what ever the thing is right away? While 7cm isn't really big if it grows more and into other organs that makes it harder to remove. And if it is cancer and growing into other organs makes it harder to get it all out cleanly.I believe so. again the translation isn't too clear on this so I'm awaiting more info on that.
Is the chemo available in Mexico the same as in the US? There are much better chemo drugs now than even a few years ago, so even if it's cancer there better chance these days of beating it, very good if the tumor can be removed cleanly without spreading any cells anywhere else.From what I understand, it's equivalent to what the U.S. has technology wise so yeah that sounds hopeful.
As for breaking down in front of people, under the circumstances just let it happen if it does, trying to keep it all in just eats you up inside, and telling others what is going on helps you to deal with it.Yeah I'm gonna try to down play the situation for the time being, even not mentioning the severity yet to my parents until after the holiday and when I have more information from her.
I want to watch something on my computer (a movie or Star trek) but not sure it will keep me distracted enough to dwell on the situation :-[
No, neither. Too tight on funds.I want to watch something on my computer (a movie or Star trek) but not sure it will keep me distracted enough to dwell on the situation :-[
Do you have Netflix or Amazon Prime? Half hour shows are the way to go. Last 3 weeks I've been binging on shows I wouldn't normally, for some reason I watched a ton of Everybody Loves Ramond. Just jumping around the seasons randomly watching episodes, sometimes jumping to another episode half way through one, streaming is way better than channel surfing regular TV, no commercials and you are in control. I guess I needed a fake family show, now that I'm the only one left.
Oh, and try not to eat too much, I just got back from Target, spent $150 on food, I was down to nothing at all, but still, looks like the 10 pounds I lost in the last 3 and a half weeks might go back on this week...
I'm just selecting some TNG episodes at random.. It seems to be working.
That's what I may do as well.. Star Trek episodes (as many times as I've watched them) seem to put my mind at ease.
I'm just selecting some TNG episodes at random.. It seems to be working.
I watched some Quark heavy episodes of DS9, some of those are good for a laugh.
Then tonight I watched Time's Orphan because I didn't remember ever seeing it before, that was not a good choice, kind of depressing until the very end. Now I don't feel like watching anything, guess I'll read on my Kindle for a while, bunch of books on there I've been meaning to get to for ages...
I tried to hide some vertical blinds she had accidentally stolen from Walmart which she was trying to return to the same Walmart.This isn't the same one that was in prison recently is it?
I don't know. Do I sound like I'm exaggerating?
Today, I got a letter from the district courthouse. I'm being sued by a medical debt collector over a colonoscopy that should have been covered through insurance, but wasnt because last May i went through a legal name change.
Should probably try giving up caffeine and see if that helps.
I'm unraveling completely.
I'm in the hospital again, alone. I've been in and out of the hospital for over a decade now, but lately it's been torture. Last admission, I ended up curled up under the sink at one point. I can't bring myself to work, play games, anything. I feel pointless most of the time outside the hospital, but in here the feeling consumes me.
And now I read this thread about America's concentration camps (https://twitter.com/ECMcLaughlin/status/1139192167501484033). What the hell am I going to do about this? The 115 pound man with a severe, progressive lung disease in the hospital? How am I going to live with myself if I don't do anything? My
I'm unraveling completely.
I'm in the hospital again, alone. I've been in and out of the hospital for over a decade now, but lately it's been torture. Last admission, I ended up curled up under the sink at one point. I can't bring myself to work, play games, anything. I feel pointless most of the time outside the hospital, but in here the feeling consumes me.
And now I read this thread about America's concentration camps (https://twitter.com/ECMcLaughlin/status/1139192167501484033). What the hell am I going to do about this? The 115 pound man with a severe, progressive lung disease in the hospital? How am I going to live with myself if I don't do anything? My brain wants to delete this knowledge, and my surroundings are making that very easy. Nurses just go about their day. Nothing is different. I'm fighting as hard as I can not to slip into denial, but I don't know how I can possibly stay sane if I don't.
I need therapy. Badly. Have for a long time. Can't get any in here.
I need my spirits high and my strength up to do my treatments the best I can, because they are not passive and I have to actually DO them for them to be effective. I have nothing left, physically or emotionally, and mentally I'm just broken.
I don't want to post about this here, but I have nowhere else. As pathetic as it is, seeing as I almost never post here, this is the closest thing I have to a community.
Thank you for your replies. The night I posted, I talked a little with my nurse. She was very supportive and sympathetic (most nurses are, when you need it). Like you suggest, LucasM, she said it helps her to consume as much positive media as negative. I've been trying to do that, and it is helping. I also looked into what I can do to help the refugee crisis and found that foster parents are needed. My wife and I just so happen to be nearly done with our fostering certification classes. She didn't even hesitate to agree that we should do it, even if it means moving (I haven't looked into it deep enough to know if we need to or not).
I also spoke with somebody here from Behavioral Health, who agreed that I need to change my antidepressant, so we've begun that process. When I get out, I will be looking into the places you recommended, Lesbunny.
Thanks again for all your replies. It always helps more than I think it will just to have others connect with me on a human level. It makes me feel much less alone.
I don't understand people who feel absolutely zero guilt or zero remorse for the shitty things they've done. My mind has been so effed up over the years that I personally felt guilt over things that weren't even my fault or things I didn't do. For example, right after 9/11 somehow I got it in my head that I should have been there to stop the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. For years part of my brain endlessly chided me with "You should have been there to stop it.".
I tell them I have one simple rule: Don't be an asshole.
It is astounding how many people have trouble with this concept. Life is shitty enough as it is. The best thing you can do is not make it worse.
I'm not religious at all, and I've had religious people ask me "how do you know the difference between right and wrong without Jesus?" I tell them I have one simple rule: Don't be an asshole.
Probably a lot easier to simply ask them the question: So you would not know right from wrong unless you were told by someone else?As effective as this could be, "being told by someone else" is practically a tenet of Christian faith if "someone else" is a divine being or divinely inspired. So they would answer, "Yep!" And then you get into the fun realm of Christian epistemology (aka "Because Jesus. End of story"). It's frustratingly circular.
I spent the last 3 days in a hospital because I was on the verge of breaking down.So sorry to hear Lesbunny. I really, really hope you get well soon. :(