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General Discussion => General (Off-Topic) Discussion => Topic started by: LucasM on September 03, 2013, 02:50:41 AM

Title: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 03, 2013, 02:50:41 AM
This thread is for people who need support for something going on internally.

There are times where we are hurting and don't have anyone available to help us right at that moment.  There are times that the spectrum of frustration to anger (that the RRRAAARRRGGGHHH!!! thread covers), doesn't fit with what is going on with us.

This thread is designed to fill that need.

If you are hurting, or painfully confused, or concerned about yourself, this is the place to post.

If you are able to identify with, or empathize with, something someone has said here, and can offer them support or help when they need it, this is the place to do that.

There is only one hard rule here, that hopefully the moderators will enforce, and that is: under no circumstances should any offered assistance be ridiculed or debated (unless it is patently dangerous).  Keep in mind: what responses or actions to particular crises work for some will likely work for others, even if it hasn't happened in your experience.

We form a group of people with shared entertainment tastes, who likely, underneath it all, share a lot of experiences.  We are human, after all, underneath whatever masks we may put up for others to see.  This is a place where those of us who need help can ask for it safely, and those of us who can offer it, can give it with kindness.

Stay safe.


EDIT: To those reading, there will likely always be intense emotions and thoughts expressed here.  If you do not feel up to reading such things, or do not feel you would be safe reading others' expressions of intense thoughts, please don't read others' posts.  If you are here to share your own concerns, feel free to skip any and all posts before yours and post directly to the current end of the thread.  Please do not let fear of 'letting others down' by not reading their posts prevent you from getting the help you need for yourself.  OK?


A helpful set of ideas for this posted was posted on p21 of the thread (with 15 posts/page), so I felt I'd add the general parts of it in here:
In an effort to keep this thread as helpful and a safe a space as possible, please do not lash out at people who respond to your posts....

If you want to ignore [someone's] advice, that's up to you, but please keep it civil.

A forum my wife is a member of has a rule - No JADEing.

Members should never:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Perhaps that's a bit extreme for this thread, but maybe we should all at least consider the content of our posts against that?


= = = = = = = = = = EMERGENCY RESOURCES = = = = = = = = = =

7cupsoftea.com (http://7cupsoftea.com)  Its a site for people who just need someone to listen, but can't stand phone call hotlines.

http://www.fortrefuge.com/ (http://www.fortrefuge.com/)  It is a forum specifically for abuse victims/survivors of all types.

Okay, so here's a few organizations that, if they can't help directly might very well be able to make useful suggestions if places that can.

TWO-SPIRIT SOCIETY OF DENVER
Phone: 303-777-9198
Email: urbanpeak@urbanpeak.org
A dedicated group of GBLT Native Americans and their partners in the Denver area who are united by their struggle to restore Two Spirited people to their rightful place in the sacred circle.

URBAN PEAK COLORADO SPRINGS
Phone: 719-630-3223
Email: coloradosprings@urbanpeak.org
Services for homeless and runaway youth

RAINBOW ALLEY
Phone: 303-831-0442
Rainbow Alley is a drop-in center designed to support GLBT youth and their allies ages 12-21. Our facility is a warm and welcoming environment, complete with supportive adults and youth. The Alley provides health services, counseling and referral, youth-lead events and activities, and life resources in a safe and supportive space.

And here is a graphic I found online that may be of help.  It is intact as it was shared (i.e. I did not add the "I'm a therapist..." section to it).
(https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16729215_10210479219529490_8573488270535626208_n.jpg?oh=32da106658c943e6499e3a1c66056040&oe=5945ED75)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 03, 2013, 10:27:21 AM
I would feel bad if I didn't post because Lucas basically started this because of what I said.


So, to answer things from that thread:
1) I didn't not expect anyone other than Lucas to reply
2) I have called a suicide help line. No one answered the phone. I suppose they are greatly understaffed


Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: modelmeg on September 03, 2013, 11:30:40 AM
Anais, these thoughts you're having, the thoughts that you're broken or unlikable or that you can't get better, this is your depression speaking. They feel real. Everything that is negative is being multiplied by 100 right now for you. They don't reflect real life. You have to remember that. People do care. They really do. You have had good times before. Times when you've laughed and smiled. You have. You may not remember them or think they were real but they were. They were real and you can have them again. Are you on medication? If you are, it might not be the right one or the right amount. If not, medication can be beneficial. Especially medication with therapy. If you feel like your therapist isn't listening to you or the therapy isn't working, tell them. Let them know that whatever strategy they're using isn't helping. You could even try a different therapist. You need to be proactive. Nothing will change if you don't let it. I know it's so hard right now. You probably feel drained and sad and frustrated and completely hopeless. I get it. I remember it. But, you must take the first step in changing how you're dealing with this. If none of what you're doing right now is helping you then you need to tell the people around you that. Then, you need to find what will help you. Because it's worth it. Because you can smile and laugh again. Please trust me when I say this. I thought I'd never get out of that hole but I've been getting closer and closer to the surface. You can too. I truly hope that this helped even a little. *hugs*
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pak-Man on September 03, 2013, 12:09:16 PM
I've never been that far down the dark road, but I've had a lot of close friends who have. I've learned the following:

1) If I tell you to "cheer up" or "Look on the bright side" you will (rightfully) want to shove a live weasel down my throat.
2) Depression is a big fat liar that tells you that you're never coming back from how you feel, and that you've always felt that way.
3) Depression could come back at any time, but always goes away.

And a few things I can speak of from personal experience:

1) I may be a faceless internet denizen, and I don't know you well, but sadness is my mortal enemy and I truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that you can get through this wave. I'm rooting for you and I know others are, too.
2) A suicide hotline not answering the phone is all kinds of messed up. Maybe try calling back?
3) I'm not exactly sure where you stand on religion, and I'm not here to preach or open up any cans of any worms with this statement, but since you mentioned God and Heaven: God, as The Bible portrays Him, doesn't give up on us (Which is impressive, since we seem designed, at times, to disapoint Him).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Tripe on September 03, 2013, 12:11:30 PM
2) A suicide hotline not answering the phone is all kinds of messed up. Maybe try calling back?
Or try a different one. (http://suicidehotlines.com/colorado.html)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 03, 2013, 12:18:39 PM
EDIT: This was started before there were any other responses to your post.  Already those other posts confirmed something I said below: that others here do care and will help if, and how, they can.


I will write more later tonight, but have to head out to the chiropractor soon, so this won't be complete here.

I would feel bad if I didn't post because Lucas basically started this because of what I said.

 :(  I didn't want you to feel obligated to post here... I meant to create this thread as an opportunity for you and others (and, likely, myself at various points) to have a place to post when in crisis.


So, to answer things from that thread:
1) I didn't not expect anyone other than Lucas to reply

I  am sorry if my response in that thread felt 'thin'.  Particularly with me saying I couldn't respond much in a PM if you wanted to write me there.  With the pain meds crisis I'd written about a week or two ago in the RRAARRGGHH!! thread still active (until this morning), I spent every bit of available energy for thinking on figuring out what I could do with it.  [I'm due at the chiropractor's soon to help reduce my pain for another few days, and have a couple phone calls to make, but the major issue is resolved very satisfactorily, and I'll write about it in the 'WWOOO!' thread later.  (You may have seen lengthy posts from me on DRM removal yesterday... even though I wrote a lot there, until the last couple posts in that thread I didn't really have to 'think' (at which point my responses became quite short), because purely technical stuff like that takes very different brainpower for me and until the last couple posts I wasn't thinking anything particularly new or trying to understand completely new information.  But I would not respond to someone in crisis with rote, technical information, so the best I could do in response to your post was to explain my limitations clearly.)]

But, to answer your statement that you didn't expect anyone but me to reply, hopefully the fact that there were others here who responded to what you wrote, and who also responded with genuine caring for your safety and with bared souls, showed you that there are more people here who care for you and your safety than you thought.  I know others were likely concerned for you, but possibly didn't know what to say, or were afraid to say something in case it was the 'wrong' thing to say to you at that point, or felt too close to the feelings themselves and froze up, or maybe didn't understand what you meant in what you posted.

There are many genuinely good people here, not all of whom can post at any given moment.  That doesn't mean that they, too, don't care for your safety.


2) I have called a suicide help line. No one answered the phone. I suppose they are greatly understaffed

I am very sorry that happened to you.  I am appalled that that happened.  I have been in crisis to the point of seriously considering ending my life, closer to my third head injury (when I started to imagine snapping my cat's neck so it wouldn't be left to starve after I was gone, I knew I needed serious help, as she had been my tether to the world at that point).

With no-one at the suicide help line answering, I can imagine that it may have felt like the world was pushing you toward suicidal action instead of being there to help you.

You do deserve to be heard.  You do deserve help when you need it.  Last night, in my mental exhaustion, the best I could do to help was the 'semi-technical' act of creating this thread for a space that might have felt safer for you to talk in, since you didn't write details in the RRAARRGGHH thread.  And hopefully it will give a focused place for others who might be better able to help at this point a place where they may feel more comfortable opening up to share and offer support.


As for getting help, oh how I have tried. I have two therapists and a pysch. I have a support group for abuse victims, and, if I wanted to, I could always go to AA. I hate that place though. I think they offer empty answers.

Actually, I feel like I get passed around. My "friends" tell me to talk to my therapist and my therapists say talk to your friends or AA, and AA says read the big book or go to an effing meeting. So, maybe you can all understand why I feel passed around.

Possibly you felt like that with my response in the RRAARRGGHH thread, too: I wasn't 'there' either, because of my current stuff, and I 'passed you on to others' when I was the only person you expected to respond to you. :(  I am sorry about that.  I did feel it important to respond, and wanted to, and did as much as my limitations would allow.  But over the previous week, in fear for what might happen to me, I'd gone off the deep end and had used all my mental energy writing a detailed history of my physical and mental condition to my internist in hopes he would take over writing my pain meds, so I wouldn't be at the mercy of some place and people I didn't know or trust to take into account my level of exhaustion - that effort has left me seizing rather badly.

Fear does that: it pushes us to the edge, and sometimes over it.  I'm glad your fear didn't push you over into suicide last night.

I will write more this evening, but I have to head out the door to the chiropractor.

Take care of yourself.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 03, 2013, 12:52:00 PM
Lucas, please don't feel the way you feel. I didn't think your responses were thin or passing me around.


I can't really explain what I was thinking when I wrote it, but I don't feel it was interpreted as I intended.

also, I meant to spoiler my stuff, so I am going back to do that.

I did believe in god at one point. Now I think I might be an atheist (which is weird because I don't like atheists)

And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.

And I am on meds. And I will talk to my therapists about how much I feel they are not helping. It's weird, I will give up but continue to go through the motions. I don't know what that says about me.

Also, I have been working out a TON since Jan (my facebook friends can attest) and I have not only not lost weight, but I have gained it.

So that's another thing. Go to hell, life!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Raven on September 03, 2013, 01:37:39 PM
Now I think I might be an atheist

AA won't get you very far if this is truly the case.  The whole "surrendering to a higher power" thing is ok in theory but won't work if you honestly don't believe in one.  While what you're experiencing is in NO WAY your fault there are tangible things contributing to your current state of mind that you yourself can alter, instead of waiting for some form of divine intervention.  Abuse support groups are an entirely different thing. 

As far as your statement about being passed around, that can seem horrible.  Your friends probably feel inadequate in their ability to help and want to get you to someone who is better prepared.  Your therapist's advice on "talking to friends" may just be as comparable to "try to get more exercise" (as opposed to "your friends are the answer to fixing your problems").  The main thing is to continue to do something and not to give up.  Help in these situations is never quick and won't hit you like a freight train.  Odds are you won't even notice that things are helping for a while, but just keep trying.  If you do find yourself in another rut, that is OK too.  Peaks and valleys and all that. 

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: modelmeg on September 03, 2013, 02:11:54 PM
Lucas, please don't feel the way you feel. I didn't think your responses were thin or passing me around.


I can't really explain what I was thinking when I wrote it, but I don't feel it was interpreted as I intended.

also, I meant to spoiler my stuff, so I am going back to do that.

I did believe in god at one point. Now I think I might be an atheist (which is weird because I don't like atheists)

And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.

And I am on meds. And I will talk to my therapists about how much I feel they are not helping. It's weird, I will give up but continue to go through the motions. I don't know what that says about me.

Also, I have been working out a TON since Jan (my facebook friends can attest) and I have not only not lost weight, but I have gained it.

So that's another thing. Go to hell, life!

Just some quick tips about the working out:
1. If you have been working out a ton and not eating sufficiently, your body will go into starvation mode and hold on to any fat it can. If you've really been cutting your calories, you may want to up them a bit.
2. On the opposite end, depression and stress can both cause you to gain weight by eating too much or slowing down the metabolism. If you're stress eating, that might be causing your weight gain.
3. Muscle weighs more than fat so the scale might tell you that you've gained weight when you've actually lost fat and built muscle. Step away from the scale and use your clothes as an indicator of where you are with your weight.
4. Certain medications (especially ones for mental illness) can cause weight gain as a side effect. If this concerns you you can ask your psychiatrist to put you on a medication that doesn't list weight gain as a side effect.
5. If you've only been doing cardio, start lifting weights. You'll boost your metabolism and burn more fat.
6. If you've only been doing weights, start doing more cardio. It'll help you burn more calories and lower your total body fat.
Really, a combination of cardio and weights is best as long as you have no physical limitations.
7. Try interval training. Going as hard as you can for a minute and resting two minutes. Repeat. This is one of the most effective ways to exercise.

I'm really glad to hear that you're going to talk to your therapist. When you feel like this you need to let someone know. Someone that can help you. Therapists want to help people. They want you to benefit from your sessions with them. If you haven't tried it yet, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be very effective in treating depression. It basically consists of changing your thought patterns. When you suffer from depression, your thoughts become exaggerated, negative and self-defeating. CBT helps you to recognize those patterns and to change them. It takes work (it's easy to learn a bad habit, a lot harder to unlearn it) but I've found it incredibly helpful. The power of positive (and rational!) thought sounds like some New Agey crap but it's actually been proven to be incredibly effective. And don't mistake this for me telling you to "cheer up" or "think happy". Not at all. It's a long process that actually involves changing the entire way you think and perceive the world but it's very rewarding. I've rambled on again but I hope that at least some of this has been helpful to you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 03, 2013, 02:37:20 PM
Thanks Meg and Raven,

As for the weightloss, I am sure the issue is my lack of eating. Oddly enough, depression has casued me to not want to eat. Of course, then I get super hungry and eat too much. Even writing about it makes me want to stab myself. So fucking annoying.


And my problem with AA has less to do with the higher power thing, and more to do with the fact that alcoholism is the result of my personality disorder. So when I tlak about how my moods swing within an hour, how empty I feel, and how I don't want to drink, I just want to stop feeling lonely and stabby, but the answer they provide is always the same: Go to the big book, go to a meeting. Yea, sorry, but the big book and meetings don't talk to my level of depression.


I don't know. It's pretty impossible to describe how I feel right now. Just...tired. It's hard to keep living life when your brain tells you you don't want that. It's hard to have so many different moods swings in an 8 hour day. It's tiring to go home and try to pump myself up about tomorrow when sitting in today hurts so much.

At least drugs (illegal) make me happy. Make me feel joy and hope, instead of this fleeting bullshit of emotions I have now.


And in case anyone was wondering, I have Borderline Personality Disorder...just like Winona supposedly had in Girl, Interupted
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: modelmeg on September 03, 2013, 02:56:14 PM
Well, it seems like the meds you're on now aren't working well enough. Again, you need to talk to your therapist and you need to talk to your psychiatrist. In the meantime, try to do things that can distract you. Watch something funny, pet your cat. Even going for a walk can help. Anything that can get you out of this loop that your mind is in right now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Thrifty Version II on September 03, 2013, 03:05:24 PM
I constantly hope something comes along and kills me.  Like, every day.  I don't understand why feelings like that shock people so much.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: McDonald's on September 03, 2013, 04:29:54 PM
I joined a boxing gym.  American style boxing.  It is a workout I've never experienced before.  I gush sweat.  I suck in breath at maximum lung capacity. 

My muscles are huge.  I look good.  I have defense.  I've developed both physical and mental resilience.  I'm a force to be reckoned with.

I tell you it is very, very hard to hold on to mental problems when you are boxing.

If you can't get a handle on your thoughts and feelings then just give up and go box is what I say.   
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Lembach on September 03, 2013, 04:41:55 PM
I constantly hope something comes along and kills me.  Like, every day.  I don't understand why feelings like that shock people so much.

I recently said something like that to my doctor. She asked if I had plans to hurt myself. I replied "No, but I wish something or someone would come along and do it for me."

She prescribed Zoloft. It works pretty well for me. I don't feel that crushing anxiety and despair. It's a start.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Tripe on September 03, 2013, 04:54:47 PM
I joined a boxing gym.  American style boxing.  It is a workout I've never experienced before.  I gush sweat.  I suck in breath at maximum lung capacity. 

My muscles are huge.  I look good.  I have defense.  I've developed both physical and mental resilience.  I'm a force to be reckoned with.

I tell you it is very, very hard to hold on to mental problems when you are boxing.

If you can't get a handle on your thoughts and feelings then just give up and go box is what I say.
This isn't a bad suggestion; it doesn't have to be boxing but some sort of physically demanding athletic activity might be worth giving a go. We've come to accept these talking about problems is the way to sort them out and it can be but it might, in some cases exacerbate the negative thoughts.

Focusing on physical activity might help more than finding a different sort of person to speak to some more.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Raven on September 03, 2013, 05:00:16 PM
OK, I'll preface this with saying my wife hasn't had enough hours to qualify for her full counselling license but she did get her masters degree in counselling and interned at a domestic abuse shelter for 6 months and is currently running groups working towards her full license.  She had a few recommendations for me to pass along:

There are therapists that are specially trained in dealing with Bordeline Personality Disorder that use a method called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).  This is a more specialized form of CBT that Modelmeg mentioned previously.  If your therapist(s) don't have that specific accreditation you won't be getting the most you can out of therapy and you should look into finding one that does.  She did emphasize that it is a pretty rare accrediation so be sure to ask.  On your own you may want to look up the works of Marsha Linehan (not sure if that's spelled properly or not) as she is the leading expert on DBT.  Also the book titled "Sometimes I Act Crazy" (she couldn't remember the author).  I'm not sure if that's also tied into DBT or is just another source for BPD patients. 

As a substitute for AA, look for any group that has an actual licensed substance abuse councelor.  The approach they use will be more straight-forward and should have more substantial content than the groups you say seem hollow.  FYI-some are still funded through church groups but have non-denominational councelors so don't just assume it's a spiritual based program just because it's a church.  Hope these suggestions help. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: McDonald's on September 03, 2013, 07:35:02 PM
I joined a boxing gym.  American style boxing.  It is a workout I've never experienced before.  I gush sweat.  I suck in breath at maximum lung capacity. 

My muscles are huge.  I look good.  I have defense.  I've developed both physical and mental resilience.  I'm a force to be reckoned with.

I tell you it is very, very hard to hold on to mental problems when you are boxing.

If you can't get a handle on your thoughts and feelings then just give up and go box is what I say.
This isn't a bad suggestion; it doesn't have to be boxing but some sort of physically demanding athletic activity might be worth giving a go. We've come to accept these talking about problems is the way to sort them out and it can be but it might, in some cases exacerbate the negative thoughts.

Focusing on physical activity might help more than finding a different sort of person to speak to some more.

Getting a nice sweat is one thing, but maximum exertion is another.  When you work so hard you want to puke THAT is when you lose yourself, and find yourself.  I think you need a coach yelling at you to make it.  I've never been able to get there on my own anyhow.

BTW I discovered something wonderful; barefoot running.  I watched a bunch of videos on barefoot running but this one was the clincher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgkWhcapWLU

After building up my calf and arch strength I've started barefoot running at the gym.  OMG it feels so good I can run for hours comfortably!  I plug in my ipod and I'm in heaven.  Now THAT is an anti-depressant!

Dude.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 03, 2013, 08:10:38 PM
Boxing may be fine, as long as there is NEVER any contact to the head.  Every time the head is hit, or shaken, there is some degree of brain damage going on.  It is cumulative, and each subsequent event's impact is multiplied by those before it.

The same is true with other exercises: avoid any sport with contact with the head, e.g. football, soccer 'head shots' (http://www.amenclinics.com/dr-amen/blog/2013/06/lets-stop-fooling-ourselves-soccer-headers-can-cause-brain-damage/), hockey.  This damage has been proven by scans of the brains of those performing in these sports.  [See Dr. Amen's website (http://www.amenclinics.com/).]  And all too often all it takes is one impact to alter one's ability to function.

I am all for exercise as a means to increase both mood and overall brain function.  But damaging one's brain in that effort is not a solution, it is adding a different problem.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Tripe on September 03, 2013, 08:15:58 PM
That's why I said "it doesn't have to be boxing"


I'd also bring up this from The Oatmeal. (http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 03, 2013, 08:23:10 PM
This may feel a little disconnected at times.  I was trying to respond to multiple posts under one roof, while adding additional thoughts to it beyond my responses to statements.  [I do hope I caught everything I wanted to respond to.]


Edit before posting: apologies if this is too much.  Possibly try taking it a bit at a time if it is too much for you.


...I meant to spoiler my stuff, so I am going back to do that.

You needn't in the future (and you need not go back and unspoiler what you already did).  I edited the first post in the thread to let people reading know that the thread will have intense thoughts and emotions and for each to protect themself.

It is hard enough for people in crisis to deal with the crisis.  To deal with such 'niceties' as spoilering - in a thread specifically designed for intense interchanges - seems an unnecessary added stressor and drain for the person in crisis.  I was hoping the thread could allow people to share what was on their mind without having to assess, "could this be uncomfortable for someone else to read?"



Lucas, please don't feel the way you feel. I didn't think your responses were thin or passing me around.

Anais.B, don't concern yourself.  To clarify: I felt a bit sad that I couldn't help, but I have done my best to banish guilt from my thinking, because for anyone not a sociopath, guilt doesn't serve any useful function that empathy cannot.

But I know and (sometimes grudgingly) accept that I cannot help everyone I would like to every time I would like.  I have - and these days quite quickly reach - the limits on my functioning.  But I know that, much like the instructions given to parents flying with children, I have to secure my own metaphorical 'oxygen mask' before I try to help others with theirs.




A very good thing to do when you are feeling even slightly better is to make an 'Acute Crisis' list.  On it, put everything you could need in a crisis.  These are some things I thought might be helpful:
* Phone numbers for multiple suicide hotlines (trying multiple ones, as Tripe suggested, if the first one isn't available).
* If you do cutting, or other non-fatal self-injury, if there are hotlines for them, add them in
* Directions for other areas of support; e.g. 'write about what's going on on the RiffTrax boards so those there can respond'
* Directions for actions; e.g. 'do not take street drugs, despite the temporary relief I may feel, they delay my healing further'
* When you are feeling better, find something that is safely rewarding to you, and add it to the list - as many as you can
  -  you may have additional ideas as well, others may have more suggestions  -
* The final list item?  "Start list over from the top" and circle through that list until you feel enough relief to feel out of crisis.




There is something that occurred to me while reading other posts in this thread.  anais.b, at any time in your abuse were you struck in the head?  Or do you remember losing consciousness beyond dissociatively (e.g. from oxygen deprivation, being shaken)?

Because the symptoms of head injury, combined with childhood trauma, can mimic what is considered Borderline Personality Disorder (and many other diagnoses).  Few professionals will acknowledge that, or possibly even believe it, but with the range of my background while treating the spectrum of clients I did I saw head injury symptoms diagnosed as everything up to and including schizophrenia.

If there is, or are, head injuries in your background, that would also change how medications would work for you, and possibly point to a different spectrum of medications for some symptoms.



In the past two weeks, I have said the following words, outloud, "God, please kill me"

It's getting pretty bad. I never prayed to god to take my life before, I would usually just imagine it. Sometimes, when I think about death, I just think about peace. I associate death with peace.

Here are some quotes to describe how I feel about life:

"I dreamed a dream my life would be so different from the hell I'm living"

I live in hell cause I've been expelled from heaven....so give me something to sing about. please."

I don't know how many times I cried my eyes out hearing Buffy sing, and plead, with that last line, feeling the same 'expelled from heaven' and wanting something to sing about.  It doesn't mean that I know exactly how you are feeling with it, but I can deeply understand some aspects of it.

For much of the first few years after the third accident, if a car swerved a little too close to me, my thought was, "if you hit me: kill me."  I could not tolerate still more loss of function, and, with my daily wishing I'd either not survived the third accident, or thinking about how to finish myself off, would likely have welcomed it ending at that point.

But I kept going - just as you are - and I'm here now.  And I'm glad I am, despite the continued difficulties I have from unfixable injuries.  But for you, traumatic experiences, if worked through, can have the emotional power drained from them, so that they will be - simply - a part of your history, not the defining events of your life.  You will get to choose those defining events yourself, both as you heal, and afterwards.



It's weird, I will give up but continue to go through the motions. I don't know what that says about me.


To me?  It says that, underneath your conscious giving up is a deeper part of you that knows that this is not permanent.  That knows that you can get better, and that keeps you going despite the current pain.


Also, I have been working out a TON since Jan (my facebook friends can attest) and I have not only not lost weight, but I have gained it.

So that's another thing. Go to hell, life!

[[EDIT: realized that my seizing brain was 'stuck' in childhood trauma, and interpreted the above statements as being about working through traumatic issues 'a ton/lot'.  Sorry, missed the boat there.]]
It is frustrating to spend such intense effort and to still feel that you are not making the progress you want.  There are few things stronger than pain (either emotional or physical) that people want to escape, and often any delay feels too long.  And to feel some aspect of life is getting 'worse' in the process can add to the emotional weight we feel in our life.

But like you said: you have worked out a TON since January.  Regardless of how much is left, that ton is GONE.  You may need to revisit parts of it, in different contexts, but what you have worked on won't disappear.  You can unlearn mistaken thoughts you might have about yourself (feeling worthless or things like that).  But you cannot 'un-learn' understanding HOW your brain put things together and the new associations you make between current symptoms and how they arose from what were initially adaptive methods of dealing with aspects of the traumatic events.



Look, I get that it takes a lot of hard work to change and grow as a person, but I also believed that doing that hard work would be rewarded with at least something. There is a big empty feeling in my chest, it's there constantly, but the lack of friends (and especially the lack of boyfriend) just leads me to believe that there is something inherently broken or evil inside me. Other people gave similiar lives to mine, but they also have friends and marriages. I have a cat. I am so pathetic, the only people who might possibly listen to me are people on a forum that I have not met and would probably dislike me if they met me in real life.
And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.

Yes, healing from intense traumas is a process, not an event.  As others (modelmeg?) said, it takes time and for most people, one may only find themself recognizing just how far they've come when they get to a breathing spot and think back on how they felt before.



I am particularly fond of your chosen screen name here.  Yes: anais.butterfly.  You may have felt like a caterpillar before, slowly crawling towards what you wanted.

Right now?  It is dark, possibly the darkest you've seen.  Because right now, in the heat of working on your traumas, you are in your coccoon.  The coccoon is the space you built yourself, the time, the helpers, and the space in which to stop being a caterpillar.  The coccoon, despite feeling constrictive, is giving you a safer 'compartment' in which to make your transformation.  But just as a caterpillar cannot go back, if you want to continue to grow - to become that butterfly - the work inside your chrysalis is intense as you transform yourself.  And there is an end to it.

You will become a butterfly if you keep working on it and survive the roughest spots along the way.  It is inevitable for you, just as it is inevitable for your namesake.

I know I, for one, would love to see that butterfly here, when it crawls out of that coccoon, just as I am glad to see the pupa in the meantime.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 03, 2013, 09:36:41 PM
Damnit Lucas, you made me cry.  :angry: (good cry)


I really appreciate everyone proving me wrong. I feel better now (granted, remember, mood swings)\. I was able to get to the gym and then I went home and watched archer.

So....it's awkward to say thanks, so let me just say that, I will prove I am thankful by not hurting myself or making the situation worse.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on September 04, 2013, 12:21:52 AM
Not much I can add except maybe this:

And I believe that I will get everything I want, I really do. I just don't know how to hold on until then. If I had a finite set of days, I could do it, but asking me to keep holding on for something completely unknown to me. I don't know when it will happen, and every day the whole gets deeper.

How to hold on, this:

I was able to get to the gym and then I went home and watched archer.

Anything that can make you feel better, even for a short time, use those moments to hold on, even when it seems like they are not enough, they can be. 

Something I wrote a long time ago, about how time can conspire against you:

Moments fly by
The ones that last forever are the ones you don't want to
         The ones that you want to end too soon

When times are crappy it does seem like an eternity, try to hold on to any good moments, even if it's just a TV show that makes you laugh.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on September 04, 2013, 12:40:49 AM
I've been damn busy lately, Anais, otherwise I'd have commented. I'd do so now, but everything I'd say has been said.

You're my bro, ladybro. You're all pretty cool bros and ladybros. I'll probably come back to this thread in the next day or so to put my own junk in here, because I've been hitting a magnificently low point myself, but for now, well, you're all not a bad bunch of bros and ladybros.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on September 04, 2013, 01:32:00 AM
I'm pretty close to giving up completely, all my problems amplify each other and there's no way out.  I'm not strong enough to keep doing this or ignoring things like I have been much longer, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything but drink to numb the pain and forget things for a while.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 04, 2013, 02:19:08 PM
I'm pretty close to giving up completely, all my problems amplify each other and there's no way out.  I'm not strong enough to keep doing this or ignoring things like I have been much longer, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything but drink to numb the pain and forget things for a while.

*hug*

Other than the stuff already suggested in this thread, a hug is all I can offer. And my ear...I'm not mailing it to Australia though :P
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 04, 2013, 06:18:37 PM
I'm pretty close to giving up completely, all my problems amplify each other and there's no way out.  I'm not strong enough to keep doing this or ignoring things like I have been much longer, I just have no energy or motivation to do anything but drink to numb the pain and forget things for a while.

I'm sorry you've been having such a rough time for so long.

Do you feel like talking about some of the difficulties, and how they are intertwined?  It might help to write them out (even if you don't post them here).  If you do post them here, some detail might be needed for people to see how 'stuck'/resistant to change the conditions might be.

Unfortunately, drinking til you are numb may seem to lessen the pain and help you forget while you are drinking, but the after-effects of alcohol-til-numb on the brain are part of the reason you don't have the energy or motivation to do anything about the core problems.  Continuing that is part of the spiral you find yourself in.

If you do decide to post the compounding events here, I know you've likely thought about a multitude of ways to deal with them, but possibly some here may have ideas on how to approach them that you haven't.

I hope something can happen with you to help you break the cycle.

Try to take care of yourself in the meantime.  Even if you still drink, make sure you are eating healthy (add at least 3grams of good quality fish oil to your diet, either via a can of sardines or in capsule form; it helps brain function, and may help with motivation and mood).  And try to get at least some exercise (20 minutes of brisk walking at least three times a week is enough to help overall brain function according to some brain doctors)... but if you haven't been exercising already, you'll have to build up to that.  Maybe start with just a walk up the block and back for a few days.  Then build up to around the block, etc.

I'm glad you posted here, SctottotD, at least you may not feel as isolated with what you are going through.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Mrs. Dick Courier on September 04, 2013, 07:22:31 PM
Exercise is a great way to feel better mentally.  For three weeks I've been working out at least three times a week.  And when I can't get to the gym I do my Leslie Sassone walk at home workout.  I've lost weight and inches, my blood pressure was down three points at my last dr visit and feel pretty good.

Of course the Prozac could have something to do with my mood too.

I need to try that fish oil Lucas, I know my boss is always recommending it as well. 

Hope you feel better soon Scott.  I don't want to preach but in the long run alcohol will hurt more than help.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on September 05, 2013, 10:23:20 PM
This summer's been a particularly hard one on me. I knew it would be, but a few things have happened to compound my general depression into a much more concentrated form. First, let me state that I'm not entirely in a great state of mind right now; I'm pissed off, and I just decided that I should stop drinking soda, so I'm irritable and have a huge headache on top of that.

My head is a massive guilt machine. If something happens in a relationship with anyone, it's automatically my fault. A few years back, I had one that shook me rather hard. It lasted the entire summer, and ended with misunderstandings, a misplaced restraining order, a suicide attempt, and a brief stay in a mental hospital until I had convinced them that I was stable enough to be released. I can almost tell you the exact dates of the most significant events, because on those days, my mood TANKS. I basically relive all that stuff that happened 3 years ago each summer, and usually, things are ok, for the most part. I'm able to deal with those days. This summer, though, things took a few turns that left me in a much worse place than usual.

Firstly, I got kicked out of a circle of friends that were pretty important to me. The base of operations was a MLP forum, and, while cool people offline, they became absolutely insufferable online. Too much obsession with family friendliness on a board where the majority of the users were 18+, stifling of opinions because they might offend someone, absolutely NO discussion of anything was allowed, which I found patently ridiculous. I also found out that the mods on the forum had a secret board that they used to discuss policies, which was fine, but they also used it to bash forum goers where they couldn't see. Someone made a shitty crack about me on there, I called him out on it, and I got kicked off for knowing secret things that a mere member shouldn't know, whereas HE didn't get so much as a "Hey, you shouldn't say that." I thought the dude was my friend. I thought I had left the high school backstabbing back in fucking high school, but this 27 year asshat thought it'd be ok, because I'd never see it. Cunt.

It may sound like a minor thing, and not much to be depressed over, but that really stuck in my craw. I have a hell of a hard time making friends. I don't go out anywhere. I don't meet people, and when I do, I'm not approachable. My interpersonal relationships mean a lot to me, and when someone betrays that, it really HURTS.

Then, I got dumped by my therapist. I have some more specific issues that I'd rather not get into, and my therapist mentioned there was somebody in the agency who could work with me on them. I remember saying, "I'll talk to her, but if I don't like her, can I come back to see you again?" to which he replied, "Yes, of course." I talked to her, went 2 times, and just couldn't stand the woman. I said I'd like to go back to my previous provider. I was accused of therapist jumping, and told to seek treatment somewhere else. EXCUSE ME? I saw 4 therapists at that agency, including her, and two of them had left the practice, and SHE was the previous guy's idea. This one was kind of a more low blow, because during my experiences 3 years ago, my therapist left me, because my treatment needs were too severe. Understandable, now, but then it hurt. Now I'm being accused of something that I didn't do because I tried to find a therapist who I felt comfortable with, found him, and was given a big fuck you. This also left me without any mood stabilizing meds, which could be a problem, but, honestly, I've never noticed a difference on or off medication.

Lastly, I've been feeling like a massive failure. I dropped out of college in 2010 due to being unable to see any point in spending money when I was always too depressed to go to class. My GPA had TANKED before I did that, which is making it impossible for me to get into a decent school now that I WANT to. When I applied to UCCS earlier this year, they sent me an email telling me to register for classes and congrats on acceptance, and then an hour later, after telling everyone I knew that I was going to start going to school again, I get one saying, Oooooooops! You weren't supposed to get that, lol not accepted.

Can't go to school, so I have to work. Except I can't do it. I've had a couple of jobs in the past two years, and I've had to quit both because I'm having massive on the job panic attacks that leave me incapable of doing ANYTHING other than breathing really fast into my hands and passing out. I apparently can't handle ANY stress at all now. Compounded, all of this has damn near made me give up entirely. I really don't see the point of living any more. I've literally told 3 people that I want them to give me permission to die. I wrote out a will. I live next to a busy street where there's 50 mile an hour traffic, and I've been THIS close to just walking out into traffic, or swallowing pills, or cutting my wrists, my throat, anything. It's not that I want to die. It's just that I don't want to live.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on September 06, 2013, 04:36:27 AM
QV, *hug* to you as well.

I will respond once this work week is over. But, in brief: Those therapists are trifling bitches. It might be your insurance that had you go to that place. I pay out of pocket, so I have the privilege of having more control over who I see and who I don't.

And I am also in a place where one therapist cannot provide me all the help I need. Luckily, she is an amazing and wonderful woman and we simply added on additional therapies instead of pawning me off to the next one.

I'm sorry that happened to you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 06, 2013, 07:39:19 PM
QuantumVagina, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

I am appalled to hear about the clinic's behavior.  If your original psychologist wouldn't take you back (discussing it with them directly), then I'd suggest reporting them to the state licensing board.  ...But I know when I'm way past my limits (as I am now), the thought of doing something - even as justified as that - is too exhausting in itself.

[I'm sorry I can't address more of what you wrote.  Once my painkiller crisis passed, it took a couple days for my brain to shut down, but it apparently has done so.  To the point where trying to retrieve words, even simple words, to respond gives a throb of pain with each word, and where it is difficult to remember what I've read (and written).]

QV, I hope you can hang in there.  The anniversary reactions are magnifying the current difficulties for you right now, so it is likely impossible to see beyond the immediate stuff going on.  But there IS a 'beyond the immediate stuff going on' right now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on September 21, 2013, 05:05:06 PM
I've spent the entire day wishing there was a taller building near me, and I have absolutely no idea why. Nothing seems to be improving my mood, either.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 21, 2013, 05:36:36 PM
I'm sorry you're still having such a rough time, QV.

Hopefully you won't do so, but the first thing I thought of when you said you'd been wishing there was a taller building close to yours was to have it available to jump off of.  Again, I hope you won't do that, or anything else, to hurt yourself.

Is there anything, even something tiny that you can actually enjoy?  If there is, focus on that and try to keep tethered with it.  And hopefully things related to it will start to feel rewarding soon.  I don't know how far you are from the anniversary reactions now, or if there are still some that are freshly active (occurring in mid-Sept), but those will start to fade, simply as the days pass.

When anniversary reactions happen, they are a way for the brain to give itself the opportunity to process what has happened again, using triggers (the date/weather) to bring it out, and then fading afterwards to give the brain/body a chance to 'catch its breath'.  So if there is anything you can try to work on with the events, preferably VERY small aspects at first, now would be a good time as your brain is 'primed' for it.

What I would suggest, if - and ONLY if - you feel like you would be safe to do so, is to possibly think about the other person's motivations for what they did or said to you.  Try to imagine all possible reasons that they did so.  People don't do or say traumatic things to others ONLY because they want to cause the other person harm.  They do so because of things going on within themselves (usually because of their own fears about their own behavior, or being berated or abused related to possibly small, similar thoughts or feelings they acted out when they were young).  Trying to understand what might have been going on with the other person may help to understand and accept that it really was not about YOU; they were either re-enacting their own traumatic past, or trying to distance themselves from their own thoughts and feelings and the fear/pain that that evokes internally for themselves.

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on September 21, 2013, 05:45:16 PM
I understand why things happened from her perspective. That's never been the issue. The issue is that I have no idea why I acted the way I did, and why I hate myself so damn much when I attempt to do things for myself.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 21, 2013, 07:04:32 PM
Well, our actions and reactions are never isolated events.  There is always some precedent for them (unless we're talking about something from infancy).

If you dislike yourself for your response(s), then it is possible that early on something similar happened and your situational feelings for that event, or what you were told it 'meant' by someone else, were used as a template to label yourself with for future similar types of events.  Or it is possible that something entirely different happened, and, from generalization of that way of thinking over long periods of time, you now judge yourself and your experiences by those standards with most or all actions you take now.

So maybe try this: think about what you did or said and try to list every possible thing that might have fed into your actions, thoughts, responses.  Any events from your past that might have fed into it.  Anything you've seen that might have fed into it (either between parents, or sibs, or friends, or even in TVs or films [I've worked with someone whose view of relationships was based on pop songs and old films from the 40s and 50s]).

And - hard as it may be - try to realize that whatever your response or reaction was, it was adaptive at the time.  It served a purpose for you, even if that purpose was to give you an 'excuse' to continue negative self-talk that 'proved' to yourself your [incorrect] worldview that you aren't worth anything, or that you 'always mess up', or whatever it is.  Try to dissect any negative self-evaluation until you get to its adaptive center... the point at which you can see something that does NOT say, "I did this because of [incompetence/inability to act right/whatever]", but instead says, "I did this because [it seemed the right thing to do/it was what I'd been told, which was an error from the person who told me that it was wrong/whatever]."


Our thoughts are mostly habits.  If we get in a habit of thinking things, our actions tend to follow through on them and make those thoughts real (self-fulfilling prophecy).  [I've been trying my damndest to get out of the habit of telling myself that I 'always run myself into the ground to the point of seizing', as I know that repeating that thought results in it happening more (because - by repeating it to myself - I am telling my frontal lobes to not work and not inform me I'm getting 'close', even when they might occasionally have the capacity to do so).  So I know it is not easy to break habits of thought.]

There is another thing: we also have random thoughts that can have originated with habits, or can come from things we've seen or heard elsewhere (parents or friends when young, or TV, or film), or be related to any number of things we are exposed to.  That is why, particularly after the head injuries made me so susceptible to 'taking things in without filtering', I had to be very careful, and alter what types of shows I watched on TV and what films I saw.  Because we take in what we see, and, if we are watching things that are negative [particularly violent, cynical, or non-empathic], that is the way our brains will go when random thoughts start, and that is the way random events will be interpreted when they occur.  Once we've interpreted some things that way, we look for support for that way of interpreting other things in our lives, and retroactively re-interpret what could have been perfectly OK events in this new way.  Most times we can distort and squeeze things into ways of thinking that have no relationship to what may be objectively true about them (either our own actions, or events we remember).

With random thoughts having the potential for being negative, particularly when depressed, all sorts of 'mental crap' can be just assumed correct.  So it might help to print out a statement in VERY large letters and post it in a place where you will see it multiple times a day:

Just because I think something does not mean that it is true.


There is, however, a VERY important issue with some of this, and that is if one has a tendency to be obsessive-compulsive, dissecting every negative self-evaluation can turn into the very thing that can be the problem: it can so lock up actions that one freezes when confronted with the unexpected.  If that is the case, I would suggest possibly the following:
1.  Make a list of statements of how you think about yourself negatively (being general enough to cover more than one or two events, but specific enough to be considered a pattern).
2.  Then, beside each, list how you would like to be in circumstances that would bring those about.
3.  Then, on a separate sheet, write down the absolute most you can currently imagine you could ever get towards your ideal.
4.  Then read that list to yourself each day, pausing on each to spend a minute or two imagining what it would FEEL like to get to that point.  [Emotions drive change in thinking quicker than just ideas in words.]
5.  You will, after a time, find yourself acting closer to that, or find you can imagine yourself getting to something closer to your ideal.  At which point, write a new list of the new 'closest you can imagine yourself getting', and read that one daily.  [i.e. repeat 3-5 until you find yourself at the list you made in '2']  Do NOT read or focus on the list from '1' after it's served its initial purpose (starting the process of working towards thinking differently).

Hopefully something in this can help you get past what has been going on for you, or spark ideas that might work better for you than what I suggest here.

I do hope you get some relief soon, from whatever healthy source it might come.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on September 21, 2013, 07:34:48 PM
Thanks for the reply, Lucas. I'm not in a great state of mind to focus on intently reading it right now, though. My head is scattershotting all over the place and I had to eliminate all distractions to even skim that, and I barely absorbed anything from it. I'll come back and look at it when I'm feeling a little more focused and less self hatred. From what I did get from that, I know I've done a lot of these exercises before, mostly in the hospital, and I took care of it, more or less. Kind of. I know that all my depressed thinking is REALLY irrational, and none of it should rule me. I have a massively differing lifestyle/theology than my parents, and that majority of my hometown. Half of me is ok with that, and half of me hates that and is obsessed with fitting in, or just being normal, and so I conflict with myself over everything which stops me from achieving any of my life goals, because the closer I get to them, I freak out more and it ruins everything.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on September 22, 2013, 08:51:39 AM
Sorry to be dumping in here without adding support, thanks for your kind words.  I'm still alive and I'm trying to try.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 22, 2013, 11:24:53 AM
Thanks for the reply, Lucas. I'm not in a great state of mind to focus on intently reading it right now, though. My head is scattershotting all over the place and I had to eliminate all distractions to even skim that, and I barely absorbed anything from it. I'll come back and look at it when I'm feeling a little more focused and less self hatred.

I'm sorry that my response was as it was (long and detailed).  One of the things that told me I had no business still doing therapy after my second head injury, was that I'd lost the ability to match my responses to what clients were in a position to take in.

I'm sorry if the response resulted in you feeling worse for any reason, and I hope you feel better soon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on September 22, 2013, 11:26:38 AM
Sorry to be dumping in here without adding support, thanks for your kind words.  I'm still alive and I'm trying to try.

I'm glad to hear you are still around and continuing to try.  Adding support here is not a prerequisite for posting distress, so try to not feel guilty about that if you were.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on September 26, 2013, 04:43:17 PM
I'm reminded of something that happened at DragonCon this year. On more than one occasion, I was stymied by my mobility issues. I felt helpless, small and out-of-control, and found myself on the verge of tears (I don't handle frustration well). All in all, my Saturday at the Con was not a great day. Later that weekend, Laurie and I were making preparations to buy our memberships for next year, and I flashed back to just how awful I'd felt just a day or so earlier; I seriously considered not buying a 2014 membership (our roommate, based on difficulties he had in 2012, decided not to attend this year). Then I remembered something really important, that stood out very clearly in my mind:

I can't make decisions about the future based on how I'm feeling right at this very moment.

Just as I have no idea if my level of disability will increase over the next year (a real possibility, unfortunately), I also have no objective reason to believe that the pervasive sadness and frustration I felt that Saturday are gonna stay with me forever, or even until next Labor Day weekend.

We bought the memberships (seriously, that shit was HALF the price of at-the-door).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on October 22, 2013, 03:09:09 AM
Sooooo my psyche doubled my antidepressant and added an anti-anxiety and I felt the change almost immediately, also borrowed some money from a relative to dig myself out of the hole I was in. 

Now the hard part(s):

1. Drinking less/not at all
2. Actually going to work and on time so I don't fall back into even more debt
3. Gym routine/diet so I feel better about myself and not worthless all of the time.

Not off to a great start ( a whole pizza and a bottle of vodka was my dinner Sunday) but just going to take it day by day and minute by minute, I *need* to do this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on October 22, 2013, 04:09:06 AM
You can do it.

It is great that you are thinking 'minute by minute' and even 'second by second'.  You may want to break your goals down into more manageable chunks.  Because just looking at the list of those three things you want to do was daunting.  Maybe start with whichever one seems most important first.  [My guess would be in the order you have them listed, as, when you are drinking regularly, you are less likely to feel up to doing either of the other two.]  And start with small goals, that you psych yourself up for.  For example: to start, possibly say to yourself repeatedly (on Tuesday), "I will not drink alcohol at all on Wednesday."  Possibly tell supportive friends.  And reward yourself when you do so (but, of course, not with alcohol).

The other reason to put stopping alcohol first is because it interacts with antidepressants and especially with anti-anxiety meds.  And it can be quite dangerous [and the anti-anxiety meds and alcohol intensify each-other's effects, and can make it more difficult to stop either of them].  Ask your doctor and pharmacist about the effects of mixing the two.  Mixing them, not only would you not get the antidepressant effects you want, but you can endanger your health (depending on what medications you are on, and the doses of them, possibly your life).

You can do it.  Stating publicly that you WANT to do it is a big step, and an important one.  You've already done that.  And getting help from a psychiatrist (I'm assuming, from the meds) is another good step.  A psychologist to talk to about what is going on would be a good addition if you don't already have one (as psychologists are generally better at the 'thinking' parts of what can help, psychiatrists the 'biochemical brain' parts).  Congratulations on actively doing things already to help yourself!

[Since it is inappropriate to generalize to others I will keep this a 'me' statement, though I suspect there are many others here who feel the same:]  I am rooting for you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Mrs. Dick Courier on October 24, 2013, 11:03:01 AM
Warning, female stuff....

The waiting is the hardest part.

It's been a week and a half since the condom "incident".  I am officially two days late with my monthly, but all the experts say to wait at least 2 to three weeks before doing a pregnancy test.  Of course, an expensive blood test can pick it up sooner.   But I am cramping like crazy, and I feel sick, and I still can't stop crying.  And there are other female things I won't mention here.   Heard a Randy Travis song on the radio yesterday and had to pull over on I-81 because I started bawling.

It may be nothing.  It may be in my head.  Maybe its just hormones.  May be the stress of worrying.  Monday will be two weeks.  If my monthly visitor still hasn't made an appearance guess I'll do a home test and see what happens.

I'm too old for this shit.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on October 24, 2013, 11:16:21 AM
Warning, female stuff....

The waiting is the hardest part.

It's been a week and a half since the condom "incident".  I am officially two days late with my monthly, but all the experts say to wait at least 2 to three weeks before doing a pregnancy test.  Of course, an expensive blood test can pick it up sooner.   But I am cramping like crazy, and I feel sick, and I still can't stop crying.  And there are other female things I won't mention here.   Heard a Randy Travis song on the radio yesterday and had to pull over on I-81 because I started bawling.

It may be nothing.  It may be in my head.  Maybe its just hormones.  May be the stress of worrying.  Monday will be two weeks.  If my monthly visitor still hasn't made an appearance guess I'll do a home test and see what happens.

I'm too old for this shit.

In that ciccumstance, I would do the test. The reason is that worrying can delay periods and if see a negative on the pregnancy test causes me to calm down.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on October 24, 2013, 11:21:30 AM
I hope your period arrives soon to put your mind at ease.  As you are aware, it is possible the stress is delaying it a bit and the emotions aren't pregnancy related.

Edit:  Looks like anais.butterfly said some of this first.  I second the 'go ahead and test now' to put yourself a bit more at ease (if it would for you).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Thrifty Version II on October 24, 2013, 04:34:27 PM
I thought you could just go to the drug store and buy those sticks you pee on.  Can't you just do that instead of fretting over this for days on end?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on October 24, 2013, 05:04:17 PM
I thought you could just go to the drug store and buy those sticks you pee on.  Can't you just do that instead of fretting over this for days on end?
They're not accurate until two-three weeks in, from what I gather.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Mrs. Dick Courier on October 24, 2013, 05:22:53 PM
You can get false negatives if you test too soon.  Happened to my friend, she got negative twice because she tested too soon.  Three months later she found out the truth.  Its pretty common actually.

Talked to a nurse at my clinic and she said to wait 5 days after missed period to do the home test.  And even then you can get a false negative.  Monday is 6 days late.  Over three weeks is the best amount of time to wait.  She said even a blood test can be a false negative too early.  They test for the "pregnancy hormone" and different women develop it at different rates.

I did talk to my best friend about it, and feel a bit better.  Still haven't talked to the boyfriend about it though.  If I'm not, he never needs to know.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Tripe on October 25, 2013, 06:02:35 AM
If I'm not, he never needs to know.
Oh yes, I think that's good. It's better for him but more importantly it's less hassle on you if it's nothing. If it does turn out to be positive he'll find out soon enough, you don't really need his concerns feeding into yours right at the moment.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: mearnest on October 27, 2013, 01:00:45 PM
I'm not sure if this is the right thread for this on not, but I've got to get this out:
I've been in recovery for a year and a half now and living with my mom until I get my shit straightened out.  She has been having memory problems so this has also turned into me taking care of her.  I came home from work today to find my brother (we don't get along) visiting.  Shortly after I got home he dropped the bomb that because of my mom's memory issues he wants sole power of attorney.  The confrontation was ugly but I thankfully kept my cool.  I don't trust his motivations in this and me and my mom are devastated right now.  I'm going to hit up a meeting shortly but figured I'd bring it here too.  If anyone has any thoughts or input I would appreciate it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on October 28, 2013, 12:27:08 PM
Why does he think he can have that? It sounds like and your mom will fight him for it, so that is good.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: UncleDesmond on October 29, 2013, 11:20:39 PM
You can get false negatives if you test too soon.  Happened to my friend, she got negative twice because she tested too soon.  Three months later she found out the truth.  Its pretty common actually.

Talked to a nurse at my clinic and she said to wait 5 days after missed period to do the home test.  And even then you can get a false negative.  Monday is 6 days late.  Over three weeks is the best amount of time to wait.  She said even a blood test can be a false negative too early.  They test for the "pregnancy hormone" and different women develop it at different rates.

I did talk to my best friend about it, and feel a bit better.  Still haven't talked to the boyfriend about it though.  If I'm not, he never needs to know.
I was "the boyfriend" in a situation like this 25 years back. Turned out ok (she wasn't), and hoping the same for you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Mrs. Dick Courier on October 30, 2013, 12:21:10 PM
Well, I started but it was light for two days.  Which has never happened.  Still  having cramps and other female stuff I won't go into detail about here.  Pregnancy test was negative, but somethings going on.  Having pain around my ovaries and in my left side.  Still emotional, still moody.  Had a sonogram and transvaginal ultrasound today.  To check on my innards. 

Its been two weeks and two days since the incident.  I dont know what it is, but I can feel it.  Something is going on.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: UncleDesmond on October 31, 2013, 09:59:50 AM
Well, I started but it was light for two days.  Which has never happened.  Still  having cramps and other female stuff I won't go into detail about here.  Pregnancy test was negative, but somethings going on.  Having pain around my ovaries and in my left side.  Still emotional, still moody.  Had a sonogram and transvaginal ultrasound today.  To check on my innards. 

Its been two weeks and two days since the incident.  I dont know what it is, but I can feel it.  Something is going on.
My money says it's stress, but my money plus a good doctor's opinion is a safer bet. It's one of the best tests of the strength of your relationship, too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on October 31, 2013, 10:12:55 AM
My money says it's stress, but my money plus a good doctor's opinion is a safer bet.

I agree. I also found this reply to be hilarious for some reason. My emotions are all whack lately, though. Just seemed like something I'd see in a cheesy western or something.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on November 02, 2013, 11:55:35 PM
Lovely. I get to feel more and more horrible about myself. I call my mom to talk about something that had been bothering me for a few days. I mentioned something to her a few days ago that I had found out how easy it was to get my name changed, and she seemed really annoyed with that. I asked her, and she started YELLING at me that she didn't like that I wanted to change my name, because... and then was just like it was garbage. I feel junky from that, and then I took a shower and felt HUGE. I wanted to go over to hang out with some people, and talk, but then like 3 other people showed up, so I didn't get a chance to talk about anything, so I'm on edge. Then, I talk to someone who accuses me of being a FRAUD. Then they call me fat.

I'm just frustrated and done. I feel sick, I've got a headache, I'm having body issues that I haven't had in YEARS. I can't talk to my mom, and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care about her, I still need her approval on some level. It's making me sick. I have to go see relatives tomorrow, and they're not pleasant, and I'm really not wanting to go. I'm just feeling really down and horrible about myself.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Mrs. Dick Courier on November 03, 2013, 09:41:32 AM
Doc says I have a large ovarian cyst.  Common among women, she said they usuaully go away on their own but they want to redo the test in 6 months.  This can cause some of the problems I'm having.

Still worries me though.  Another thing that has been lying on my mind is that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 36.  I am 36.  Cysts are rarely cancerous under the age of 40 but it can happen.

So pregnancy fears are less, but still there.  Cried myself to sleep last night and have been crying off and on all day today.  I feel sick, heartburn is acting up.  Just made some noodles for lunch, plain.  One thing I can normally eat and the smell and look of them made me gag. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Thrifty Version II on November 03, 2013, 09:42:26 AM
You said you had your period.  Even if it was lighter than usual, doesn't the very presence of a period preclude the possibility of pregnancy?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on November 03, 2013, 10:16:42 AM
Doc says I have a large ovarian cyst.  Common among women, she said they usuaully go away on their own but they want to redo the test in 6 months.  This can cause some of the problems I'm having.

Still worries me though.  Another thing that has been lying on my mind is that my grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 36.  I am 36.  Cysts are rarely cancerous under the age of 40 but it can happen.

If you are worried about ovarian get a CA-125 blood test done.  You've got to catch it early, my mom died from it because she waited too long.  The test is not great but I think it's still the best one for ovarian.  And 6 months seem way to long to wait to get it looked at again.

And to answer Thrifty:  A light/spotty period can still happen at the very start of pregnancy.  Due to initial growth of the placenta.  Not sure the timing is right for that though, so cyst + stress are still hopefully the reasons for what is happening.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on November 18, 2013, 12:22:42 PM
Down in a hole today. My life feels like a neverending rollercoaster from happy and hopeful to sad and hopeless. I would be ok with lying down and never getting up. Peace is an ellusive dream that taunts from high atop mountain peaks. Peace stands around surrounded by the kind of shiny happy people Michael Stipe wrote about, and all of them, Peace and his minions, are mocking me as I try to climb to reach them.


What's the point of moving forward I guess is what I am trying to say.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on November 18, 2013, 12:39:36 PM
Down in a hole today. My life feels like a neverending rollercoaster from happy and hopeful to sad and hopeless. I would be ok with lying down and never getting up. Peace is an ellusive dream that taunts from high atop mountain peaks. Peace stands around surrounded by the kind of shiny happy people Michael Stipe wrote about, and all of them, Peace and his minions, are mocking me as I try to climb to reach them.


What's the point of moving forward I guess is what I am trying to say.
Exploration is the point of life. That's why you keep moving forward. You have to keep on trying to get around the next corner to see what's there. I've been on that roller coaster you're talking about. It sucks, yeah, but getting off of it doesn't do anything for you. If you keep riding it, eventually, you'll find that it's going to get higher and higher, and as you keep going up, the falls that you experience won't always be so bad. You've just gotta find something that pushes you forward and gives you hope. Set minor goals for yourself, and feel awesome when you achieve those goals. Then you set bigger and bigger goals for yourself, and you feel more awesome about those. Believe in the you that believes in you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on November 20, 2013, 08:23:09 PM
Lovely. I get to feel more and more horrible about myself. I call my mom to talk about something that had been bothering me for a few days. I mentioned something to her a few days ago that I had found out how easy it was to get my name changed, and she seemed really annoyed with that. I asked her, and she started YELLING at me that she didn't like that I wanted to change my name, because... and then was just like it was garbage. I feel junky from that, and then I took a shower and felt HUGE. I wanted to go over to hang out with some people, and talk, but then like 3 other people showed up, so I didn't get a chance to talk about anything, so I'm on edge. Then, I talk to someone who accuses me of being a FRAUD. Then they call me fat.

I'm just frustrated and done. I feel sick, I've got a headache, I'm having body issues that I haven't had in YEARS. I can't talk to my mom, and no matter how much I tell myself I don't care about her, I still need her approval on some level. It's making me sick. I have to go see relatives tomorrow, and they're not pleasant, and I'm really not wanting to go. I'm just feeling really down and horrible about myself.

Ugh. This is such a replay of what I went through with my mother. I'm sure this isn't anything you don't already know, but the only way you're ever going to be truly comfortable in your own skin is to accept that you don't owe ANYone (especially family) regard for their opinion of you; and if they think they're owed any such regard, it's time to make some tough choices about continuing to have them in your life.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on December 19, 2013, 06:00:06 PM
Have now been sober for 1 week and haven't eaten junk food in two weeks, I know it's not long but I'm more determined now than I've ever been. 

Just have to keep adjusting to going to sleep instead of passing out and then work on dragging my arse back to the gym regularly, feels weird to be even a little optimistic about the future.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on December 19, 2013, 06:19:51 PM
Congrats on the 1-week and 2-week anniversaries milestones! :clap:  Those are big accomplishments.  And the beginning sense of optimism is part of the pay-off for that.  You have every right to be proud of yourself.


[Edit: Is that better ThriftyVII and Uncle Des?]
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Thrifty Version II on December 20, 2013, 07:21:11 AM
Congrats on the 1-week and 2-week anniversaries! :clap:  Those are big accomplishments.  And the beginning sense of optimism is part of the pay-off for that.  You have every right to be proud of yourself.
:angry:

Nothing against most of the content, but I hate terms like "1 week anniversary".
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 10, 2014, 04:35:23 PM
Tonight, my mother told me that, when confronted with something she saw as wrong, she wouldn't say anything about it. It was brought up because I mentioned that I was still upset by the fact that she didn't tell her brother and his wife that what they were doing was wrong when they said I wasn't allowed in their home. She said it was their right to exclude me from their home for whatever reason, because it was their home. I asked her if I chose to join the girl scouts or whatever, and they excluded me, would she speak up then, and her answer was no. I asked her, if she lived in Jim Crow era days, would she speak up about segregation of blacks? She said absolutely not, because "I don't do that." That's horrible. When I was a kid, we were taught not to stand idly by while we thought someone was being treated wrongly. I tell her that I don't feel like she loves me, or any of my family loves me, and she tells me, I don't know what else to do to make you feel loved. I call my aunt and uncle telling them that I still think that they're horrible people, and they demand an apology from ME, because I've sent them various emails over the past few months because of how rotten they treated me. I sent them these:

http://imgur.com/gallery/EmOCp

http://www.advocate.com/politics/transgender/2014/01/17/trans-woman-dares-bible-quoting-councilman-stone-her-death

Jesus ate with lepers. But that's ok. Gotta protect our children from those niggers.

The last one is a bit harsh, but the message is clear, and it's the only one that qualifies as an attack, or is rude.

When I refused to apologize, they said, "God doesn't make mistakes. You can dress as a woman, believe you're a woman, take hormones, get surgeries, no matter what, you're always going to have that Y chromosome and you're ALWAYS going to be male."

I've been in a semi suicidal mood all day. I know that I can' fix everything to a point where I'm perfect. I accept that, and I hate it. I know that my breasts aren't going to be where I want them to be. I know that my hip to waist ratio is going to be too thin. I know that my hip bones won't be wide enough. I know that I'll never be able to reproduce. I'll never be able to give birth naturally, if they do get uterine transplants figured out in my life time. I know that unless I pay, my face will always be fairly masculine. My hands are huge. My feet are huge. My bone structure can't be altered, meaning my shoulders will always be wide and my bones too heavy. I know my dating pool is always going to be very slim. I know that it'll be very hard for me to find love, if not impossible. And it's too much. I can't speak to my friends, because not only can they not understand remotely what I'm going through, most of them have had people who've killed themselves in their lives, and I can't put them through it again. So now, I feel horrible living and horrible for wanting to kill myself. I feel like every goal I have in life is unobtainable. I can get to where I need to be, but it's only going to be after years of kicking fighting and screaming, and I don't think I have it in me. I've had to fight stupidly hard to make it to this point, and I'm beat. Even if I do get my body aligned with my spirit, it's not going to make my depression go away.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 10, 2014, 05:10:00 PM
I've got a bunch of resonances in my head, going to have to think about them an try to make them coherent.

For now, sorry for the cliche but hang in there.  Don't think "even if _______ I'll never feel better", it just gives yourself a reason to give up.  Things will change, they always do over time, something you can't even imagine now might change your life someday, so give yourself the chance to discover it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 10, 2014, 05:47:43 PM
QV, I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now.  [If I weren't in such bad shape and worn out myself, maybe I could write more than I can here.  I hope what I do write makes sense.]

First, ignorant people will never understand anything that doesn't fit their narrow pre-existing awareness (particularly those who choose to remain ignorant).  Those who quote the Bible, or Christianity, to discredit a different idea or an idea they don't like are not being Christian [Christ-ian], as Jesus accepted everyone.  And, no, to reframe their twisted way of viewing it, God does not make mistakes, S/HE made you just as you are: a woman born in a man's body, for whatever reason.

I think something that may help is - instead of trying to change the opinions of people who are vile enough to not speak out about those being persecuted (whether LGBT, or race, or whatever) - possibly consider a change of locale.  Do you like San Francisco?  It is one of the most mentally and spiritually advanced cities in the country with regards to thinking about who someone is.  The people there actually pay attention to what kind of person someone is, not how they look, not what chromosomes they were born with (there are, obviously, other places [usually cities] that are similar, but that is sort-of the gold standard).  You are unlikely to find acceptance in the American South's Bible Belt.

But as MartyS said in different words, please don't make any permanent actions based on these temporary situations (being mistreated by ignorant people who you happen to be related to).  I am quite fond of his last statement, so I'll quote it again here:
Things will change, they always do over time, something you can't even imagine now might change your life someday, so give yourself the chance to discover it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 10, 2014, 07:11:50 PM
QV, I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now.  [If I weren't in such bad shape and worn out myself, maybe I could write more than I can here.  I hope what I do write makes sense.]

First, ignorant people will never understand anything that doesn't fit their narrow pre-existing awareness (particularly those who choose to remain ignorant).  Those who quote the Bible, or Christianity, to discredit a different idea or an idea they don't like are not being Christian [Christ-ian], as Jesus accepted everyone.  And, no, to reframe their twisted way of viewing it, God does not make mistakes, S/HE made you just as you are: a woman born in a man's body, for whatever reason.

I think something that may help is - instead of trying to change the opinions of people who are vile enough to not speak out about those being persecuted (whether LGBT, or race, or whatever) - possibly consider a change of locale.  Do you like San Francisco?  It is one of the most mentally and spiritually advanced cities in the country with regards to thinking about who someone is.  The people there actually pay attention to what kind of person someone is, not how they look, not what chromosomes they were born with (there are, obviously, other places [usually cities] that are similar, but that is sort-of the gold standard).  You are unlikely to find acceptance in the American South's Bible Belt.

But as MartyS said in different words, please don't make any permanent actions based on these temporary situations (being mistreated by ignorant people who you happen to be related to).  I am quite fond of his last statement, so I'll quote it again here:
Things will change, they always do over time, something you can't even imagine now might change your life someday, so give yourself the chance to discover it.

I have moved once. Living in Colorado is a much better place for me than Kansas. The friendships I've made being here are much better than the friendships that I had in Kansas. The issue is that it's incredibly hard to break away from family. I have no contact with my aunt and uncle any more, other than my apparently belligerent emails trying to get them to see how horrible they're being. I speak to my mother fairly often, because when my friends are busy, she's the only one who answers. Tonight, I told her that if she's not going to make an effort to get me to feel loved, then I don't need her in my life anymore. I'm going to probably do the same with my father, since mom won't tell him any of that, and maybe some other membersof my family. I don't think it's too much to ask that I get treated like a person. I'm going to go get the new phone that I've been planning on doing for a while now tomorrow, and I'm not giving them the number. I think I'll stay in Colorado, though. I like this place, and everyone I've talked to has been more or less reasonable. The only notable exceptions are Bob and Theresa, and my old bitchy doctor. Tomorrow, I go to meet my new doctor, and I'm not telling him anything about my past depression other than the fact that it's been mostly under control for a while.

I've been self medicating heavily lately. I've only drank to feel better a few times, but I'm smoking heavily again. I know they're horrible for me, and I know that it's terrible for me to do it when I have someone in my life who it hurts horribly. The sad thing is, when I started smoking, my stress went down like it hasn't on medication, and my panic attacks more or less went away. And, dammit, I enjoy smoking. I actually LIKE it. Its the one thing I have in my life, and how I'm judged because of it makes it really hard for me to enjoy. I've been pointed to vapor cigarettes, but I honestly don't want them. Let me kill myself if I want to. That's part of the reason I do it; I'll die sooner.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 10, 2014, 07:32:56 PM
I have no contact with my aunt and uncle any more, other than my apparently belligerent emails trying to get them to see how horrible they're being. I speak to my mother fairly often, because when my friends are busy, she's the only one who answers. Tonight, I told her that if she's not going to make an effort to get me to feel loved, then I don't need her in my life anymore. I'm going to probably do the same with my father, since mom won't tell him any of that, and maybe some other membersof my family. I don't think it's too much to ask that I get treated like a person.

Reversing bigotry is hard, even harder if they believe their religion is backing up their beliefs.  So unless you are prepared to make it a full time job I'd say cut all ties with the aunt and uncle.

As for cutting off ties with your parents, have they been horrible or simply non-supportive?  It may feel horrible that they don't support you, but are they being actively horrible?  You may just have to adjust your expectations of what your parents can give you (I know that's not something easily done).  Cutting them off completely may make you feel worse, so you may want to simply cut back on contact to occasional generic "how's the weather" conversations.





Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 11, 2014, 12:15:59 PM
So what I'm planning on doing today, after I get out of the doctors and before work, is heading to an AT&T store to have them unlock my phone, and then I'll head to T-Mobile to pay the necessary fees and get service set up with them. New number, new everything. I will not be giving any family members my phone number. As far as completely cutting myself off from the family, its still up in the air. If they're willing to attempt to make me feel loved and cared for, I won't stop. But if they carry on the way that they have been, ignoring me completely, then no. What I need is love and support, and they don't seem willing to give that to me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on February 11, 2014, 03:58:00 PM
So what I'm planning on doing today, after I get out of the doctors and before work, is heading to an AT&T store to have them unlock my phone, and then I'll head to T-Mobile to pay the necessary fees and get service set up with them. New number, new everything. I will not be giving any family members my phone number. As far as completely cutting myself off from the family, its still up in the air. If they're willing to attempt to make me feel loved and cared for, I won't stop. But if they carry on the way that they have been, ignoring me completely, then no. What I need is love and support, and they don't seem willing to give that to me.

I think this is probably a good idea. No one should ever feel obliged to subject themselves to being treated like shit (especially by the very people who are supposed to protect you from harm). Maybe things will improve with your family one day, but it's not incumbent on you to hang on and endure their abuse while they get their own bad wiring sorted out. You're young, and your entire life is in front of you. It's your family members' own responsibility to get themselves to a place where they're suitable to be a part of that life.

And try not to get too hung up on what your body is or isn't (but stop fucking smoking, seriously; among every other way it's bad for you, smoking makes hormones less effective). Gender identity isn't about looking a certain way; it's about being who you are, regardless of how others might perceive you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 11, 2014, 05:24:49 PM
I'm lonely. I need a job. I don't want to look for one though. My last job was really toxic. I don't want to be trapped in that situation again. I feel lost.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on February 11, 2014, 07:10:31 PM
I don't know if it would help, I would give you a hug over the Internet, if I could.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 11, 2014, 07:18:15 PM
I don't know if it would help, I would give you a hug over the Internet, if I could.

Thanks, it does. I keep refreshing the forum to see if more people posted.

I have been thinking about drinking a lot lately, so I am going to try AA again. Last time I was not a fan of the "friends" I made, but I am a different person now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 11, 2014, 07:49:00 PM
anais, I hope you start to feel better.  AA sounds good, drinking (or any drug dependence) does make things more difficult all the way around.  I understand about the 'once burned, twice shy' with the job [thanks to inability to follow-through when things go wrong, I've developed that for most actions I take now, because it feels like every one may be wrong and I don't have the capacity to deal with the consequences].

I'm sorry... I drifted from your stuff into mine.


Wish I could write more.  Brain's kinda' collapsed and can't think.  But I'm kinda' forcing myself to because my brother's at the end of his rope and he's been talking to my dad almost an hour every day for a few weeks now, with my dad having gone home.  And they may want him to go help my dad out (e.g. fix dad's dinner etc.) since my brother's currently unemployed... but he's got his own stuff he's dealing with (making the anticipation worse: hating our home town), as well as him having two cats that he'd have to leave behind (with someone who'd basically stop in and feed and pet them once or twice a day), but the loss of 'support' of his cats would not help his mood now.  So I have to try and help the only way I can: listen, and give suggestions of alternatives if I can think of them.  [Shit... this paragraph is another instance: I was just going to write the first sentence or two because thinking with words hurts too much now.]

My brain hasn't been this consistently fried in a long time. :(



EDIT: took about 24 hours to realize that I'd said, "listen," to my brother and give suggestions - I mean via e-mail.  No friggin way could I handle phone or in-person talk now.  [Went out today to pay my city taxes (due Fri, but I thought last Fri) and pick up my prescriptions.  One, maybe two sentences to say at each.  I came home and slept 3 1/2 hours and I'm still exhausted... and I'm making an 'edit' to a post where likely no-one will bother to go back and read it.  Brain's fucked.]
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 12, 2014, 01:27:38 AM
So what I'm planning on doing today, after I get out of the doctors and before work, is heading to an AT&T store to have them unlock my phone, and then I'll head to T-Mobile to pay the necessary fees and get service set up with them. New number, new everything. I will not be giving any family members my phone number. As far as completely cutting myself off from the family, its still up in the air. If they're willing to attempt to make me feel loved and cared for, I won't stop. But if they carry on the way that they have been, ignoring me completely, then no. What I need is love and support, and they don't seem willing to give that to me.

I think this is probably a good idea. No one should ever feel obliged to subject themselves to being treated like shit (especially by the very people who are supposed to protect you from harm). Maybe things will improve with your family one day, but it's not incumbent on you to hang on and endure their abuse while they get their own bad wiring sorted out. You're young, and your entire life is in front of you. It's your family members' own responsibility to get themselves to a place where they're suitable to be a part of that life.

And try not to get too hung up on what your body is or isn't (but stop fucking smoking, seriously; among every other way it's bad for you, smoking makes hormones less effective). Gender identity isn't about looking a certain way; it's about being who you are, regardless of how others might perceive you.

Part of me is being comfortable with my appearance. It's really hard for me to justify my unlikable ass. I'll probably be able to quit smoking without TOO much difficulty. It'll be annoying, though, and I will miss it. I really do enjoy it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 12, 2014, 03:09:29 AM
Part of me is being comfortable with my appearance. It's really hard for me to justify my unlikable ass.

Despite what anybody might think, there are always people out there that like the structure of parts of our anatomy that we don't care for.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 12, 2014, 06:17:34 PM
I'm at a hospital right now. I had no one to call and called 911. They took my clothes. They took items of comfort from a suicidal woman.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 12, 2014, 06:50:57 PM
Shit.  I'm sorry things feel that bad, QV.  I hope your mood improves and you are feeling better soon.

I'm very glad that you took care of yourself and called 911 when other support wasn't available to you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 12, 2014, 09:41:02 PM
I'm home now, and doing a bit better. After I told them the SAME things for 3 hours, they finally released me, and gave me back my things. I don't buy the excuse that you can kill or hurt yourself with your clothing, either. You could just as easily kill yourself with those shitty gowns they give you, or the scrubs they gave me. Hiding dangerous things? Maybe. But I offered to let them search my clothing. Those clothes and various other things are part of me and my identity, and my identity is one of the most important things I have. It's very delicate and fragile, and them telling me, we're not helping you until you put on this stuff is degrading. It strips me of part of the things I identify as myself. Then some snarky social worker gives me sass about how everything is standard procedure, blah blah blah. Healthcare, especially MENTAL healthcare can't be a one size fits all program. I JUST wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't even get to do that. I just lost my will to continue anything to do with that hospital. Once I was in those horrible scrubs, I felt dead inside. One of my friends told me that when I'm in pjs, everything about me changes. I just kind of lose the glint.

Also, fuck you, Thrifty. That only applies if you're actually finding my distress as a mood booster, or whatever. Although, I can't think of what there is in that post to genuinely LIKE...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 12, 2014, 10:02:57 PM
QV, I am sorry you went through that.

Note: I have PMed Thrifty. It will be dealt with one way or another. Please just ignore him. Thanks.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 12, 2014, 10:12:01 PM
Glad to hear you are doing a little better.  And glad you are still with us.

After his last ugly message to you I can't see that "like" as anything but despicable, and he was supposed to put you on ignore.  Hopefully it can be removed.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on February 12, 2014, 10:22:10 PM
Sorry to hear about what you had to go through, Quantum Vagina.  I really hope things get better for you soon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 12, 2014, 10:38:52 PM
OK, I've taken it to the top, and Thrifty is permanently banned. Frankly, he got away with his hateful behaviour for too long.

I can't remove the like without deleting his entire account, which will have lasting ripples through the forum, probably taking a lot of other people's posts with them - I hope QV is OK with that?

I'm going to reiterate, I went to Erik with this, I (and he, and all the other mods here) don't take permanent bans lightly. This is one of only a very few. He was warned multiple times to stop harassing QV and put her on ignore etc. and the above is just downright disgusting.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on February 12, 2014, 10:47:32 PM
I think the side effects are worth the result.  Anyone who would "like" another person's serious pain is making the choice to be a disgusting human being.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 12, 2014, 11:21:03 PM
I think the side effects are worth the result.  Anyone who would "like" another person's serious pain is making the choice to be a disgusting human being.

I'm not worried at all bout losing his content, but, say he started the 'wwooo' thread, for example, I believe deleting his account will take the entire thread and everyone's posts with it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on February 12, 2014, 11:24:13 PM
Well, then let's just start a new one!  Yes, we lost a lot, but we shall rebuild!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 12, 2014, 11:25:58 PM
I think the side effects are worth the result.  Anyone who would "like" another person's serious pain is making the choice to be a disgusting human being.

I'm not worried at all bout losing his content, but, say he started the 'wwooo' thread, for example, I believe deleting his account will take the entire thread and everyone's posts with it.

There are threads still around started by people that have deleted their own accounts (doc comes to mind), don't know what that did to their likes.

But yeah, if the first post in a thread goes away it takes the entire thread with it, we've seen that recently...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 12, 2014, 11:26:37 PM
I'll leave the call to QV. (No pressure QV, if you want it gone, I will delete the account)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 12, 2014, 11:27:36 PM
That was a hypothetical situation, Johnny - The wooo thread hasn't gone anywhere. ;)

Thrifty didn't actually start the wooo thread, i was saying if I deleted his account and he HAD started it, it would go away.

The adorable pictures thread is a real example of one he started that would go away, for example.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on February 12, 2014, 11:44:27 PM
Now I feel silly.  Anyway, I wouldn't be bothered personally if any of the threads he started went away.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 12, 2014, 11:47:33 PM
QV, don't feel guilty about the ban, he brought it on himself.  In your current state of mind that might be in your head, just know most people will agree with the ban.  It takes effort to be actively intolerant, I'll never understand why people would waste energy that way.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 13, 2014, 12:34:23 AM
Thank you, everyone... I really didn't intend for him to get banned, and was giving him the benefit of the doubt. Like you guys have said, though, his past actions and reactions towards me made it really hard to do that.

I'm doing at least somewhat better, now. I'm not sure what I should do about work and all this. I can't keep missing days, but I'm getting to a point where I'm non functioning. Not to mention I'm entirely trapped in the job; I can't leave, I desperately need it, but my life circumstances are making it hard for me to keep it. extremely irritating. :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 13, 2014, 01:26:08 AM
I understand and agree with the mods' not taking permanent bans lightly.

For someone 'LIKE'ing a post about someone feeling suicidal and feeling dehumanized on top of it by the routine of inpatient care, at first I was too stunned to even take in that it had happened.  When I could, my first thought [when I could think] was 'permanent ban'.  That sort of deliberately cruel behavior doesn't belong anywhere, particularly in what is supposed to be a family-friendly forum.  There has not been a time on this board where I'd ever thought 'permanent ban' before, or even seriously considered personally putting someone on ignore.  But given that Thrifty was not the type to offer psychological support (or, sadly, to ask for help with whatever goes on with him to result in his being as he is), his seeking out and following this thread (enough to catch a post within an hour or so of it being posted), it is hard for me to see it as anything but a deliberate sadistic intent; certainly a dramatic, negative, emotionally-provocative one that under different circumstances could have provoked suicidal action by someone [not just QV].

So just for the record, I am in full agreement with the mods' decision.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 13, 2014, 01:30:41 AM
QuantumVagina, I am glad you are doing better, despite what has happened both at the hospital and here.  I hope you can find some way to manage working so you can continue to keep the independence you've been gaining.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Bob on February 13, 2014, 01:51:51 AM
Are there call lines set up, that when you need to talk to someone, there is a group to call?  I have heard about ones existing for many things.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 13, 2014, 03:01:43 AM
Are there call lines set up, that when you need to talk to someone, there is a group to call?  I have heard about ones existing for many things.

That's a good idea.  Yes, there are suicide hotlines and such.

I've been out of the loop for so long I don't have the references for such things any longer [and at present am mentally holding on with such a thin thread I don't have the capacity to look for ones considered good].  I know there used to be some specializing in different reasons for being in crisis: current or past abuse, suicidal thinking, etc.  If anyone knows of any national hotlines for crisis calls of any type add them here or PM me and I can add them to the first post in this thread, so they will always be available for reference.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Tripe on February 13, 2014, 08:03:43 AM
Okay, so here's a few organizations that, if they can't help directly might very well be able to make useful suggestions if places that can.

TWO-SPIRIT SOCIETY OF DENVER
Phone: 303-777-9198
Email: urbanpeak@urbanpeak.org
A dedicated group of GBLT Native Americans and their partners in the Denver area who are united by their struggle to restore Two Spirited people to their rightful place in the sacred circle.

URBAN PEAK COLORADO SPRINGS
Phone: 719-630-3223
Email: coloradosprings@urbanpeak.org
Services for homeless and runaway youth

RAINBOW ALLEY
Phone: 303-831-0442
Rainbow Alley is a drop-in center designed to support GLBT youth and their allies ages 12-21. Our facility is a warm and welcoming environment, complete with supportive adults and youth. The Alley provides health services, counseling and referral, youth-lead events and activities, and life resources in a safe and supportive space.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 13, 2014, 09:01:24 AM
I'm doing at least somewhat better, now. I'm not sure what I should do about work and all this. I can't keep missing days, but I'm getting to a point where I'm non functioning. Not to mention I'm entirely trapped in the job; I can't leave, I desperately need it, but my life circumstances are making it hard for me to keep it. extremely irritating. :(

Try to force yourself to go to work.  Create a voice in your head that yells at you to get to work!  That's pretty much how I got through the 90s, my imaginary drill instructor kicking me in the but.  Not sure if that's good or bad advice for your situation, but it's free, or 2 cents worth...  ;D
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 13, 2014, 09:48:50 AM
QV, being good at your job has resulted in quite a few WOOOO posts. I think going to work is the best thing for you. The woman you are is a good call center worker, that is also part of your identity. It's 8 hours, which will have some tough moments, but I hope you don't give up on something that has made you happy and proud of yourself previously.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pak-Man on February 13, 2014, 10:36:58 AM
Incidentally, deleting Thrifty's account wouldn't necessarily delete all his posts. I just double-checked it by killing a spambot account. Here's its thread:

http://forum.rifftrax.com/index.php?topic=28351.msg843237#new

You have the option to delete the posts or just the account.

It also wouldn't get rid of that pesky like, however. His name would go away, but it would still say " likes this". I've seen it happen.

Anyway, as you were!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 13, 2014, 12:41:54 PM
I spoke to my supervisor today. I started feeling extremely emotional again today, so I'll be taking another day off. This is my final warning, though. I'm going to spend the evening with people I love, and talk to them. After all that hospital garbage, I never got to speak to someone, and so I really need to take care of that. As much as I love this job, it's not worth having an emotional breakdown over, and my heart feels like it's pounding in my chest.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 13, 2014, 05:09:39 PM
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief.  You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.

It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once?  e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]).  Any of these would be stressful by itself.  To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.

Yes, they are all important.  But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest.  [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority.  Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 13, 2014, 06:10:42 PM
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief.  You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.

It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once?  e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]).  Any of these would be stressful by itself.  To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.

Yes, they are all important.  But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest.  [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority.  Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]

I do have quite a few plates spinning at the moment, but I'm scared that if I let one drop, then the rest are going to come crashing down. None of them are unimportant, and so not working towards all of them feels wrong.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 13, 2014, 08:44:00 PM
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief.  You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.

It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once?  e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]).  Any of these would be stressful by itself.  To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.

Yes, they are all important.  But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest.  [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority.  Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]

I do have quite a few plates spinning at the moment, but I'm scared that if I let one drop, then the rest are going to come crashing down. None of them are unimportant, and so not working towards all of them feels wrong.

OK... then which feels more 'wrong' to you: 'not working towards all of the important life things right now', or 'doing things that jeopardize your emotional stability'?  Because, from the sounds of it, it has been a 'one or the other' thing between those.  [I think you know which one I feel is most important, because, honestly, the former isn't possible without the latter.]

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is something possibly others might hesitate to say.


And, for the record: you don't have to let any of the plates 'drop'.  You can stack them to the side and they will be there waiting for when you have the available mental and emotional ability to start 'spinning' them again.


EDIT [after EJG3's 'Like', for full disclosure]  I want to be clear: even prior to my head injuries, if I had all this on my plate I would have taken two - at most - to work on at a time (or 'rotate through' them with only at most two active at any given time).  I would have also recommended the same thing to any clients I'd had if they came in with a similar array of stressful things to deal with.  It is too much for anyone to do all that at once without causing significant disruption of functioning, it is not just you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on February 16, 2014, 09:40:41 AM
I hope things work out, and that the talk tonight is productive and helps provide some relief.  You are right: no job (or much of anything else) is worth having an emotional breakdown over.

It just occurred to me, and you are the only one who could answer this for yourself: are you trying to make 'FINAL' decisions on too many things all at once?  e.g. extended family contact (or not), family of origin contact (or not), family ultimatums (regarding feeling loved), work as Independence (rather than just contributing to it), getting your hormones in line with your gender identity, dealing with your roommate (not sure if that is still an issue [not cleaning/buying food]).  Any of these would be stressful by itself.  To combine them all and try to accomplish all at once seems to me it would be overwhelming to anyone.

Yes, they are all important.  But possibly prioritize which you need first to feel best, soonest.  [From what you've written, I'd guess hormones and financial independence, but there is much you likely haven't or wouldn't talk about here that might result in others being more of a priority.  Those could be what you talk to your loved ones about - and work your way through - tonight or another night.]

I do have quite a few plates spinning at the moment, but I'm scared that if I let one drop, then the rest are going to come crashing down. None of them are unimportant, and so not working towards all of them feels wrong.

I understand the feeling, believe me. But, as it turns out, human beings are actually pretty bad at multi-tasking; there's no shame in recognizing that you have limitations, and that, ultimately, what you can do is what you can do. Feeling guilty, or like a failure about that is completely pointless. LucasM is absolutely right: You've got to take a hard look at the things in your life, and prioritize them; despite how it might feel sometimes (maybe even most of the time when you're young), they are almost certainly NOT all of equal value at any given time. The most successful people I know almost all recognized this at a pretty early age; they also understand that energy spent kicking yourself over the priorities you set is energy that is utterly wasted.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on February 27, 2014, 01:23:01 AM
Since my friends haven't had time for me lately, I've been going to 7cupsoftea. Its a site for people who just need someone to listen, but can't stand phone call hotlines. Chatting is a lot easier for mw.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 27, 2014, 08:43:41 AM
I had to look this up tonight & thought I would post it here in case anyone might find it helpful.

http://www.fortrefuge.com/

It is a forum specifically for abuse victims/survivors of all types. I looked it up because I was having a hard time dealing with my daily dose of mental abuse (yes it's a real thing) and thought it might help if I had someone to talk to about it.

That is all.

Thanks for the link!!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on March 01, 2014, 07:41:13 AM
Since my friends haven't had time for me lately, I've been going to 7cupsoftea. Its a site for people who just need someone to listen, but can't stand phone call hotlines. Chatting is a lot easier for mw.

Sorry to hear your friends are busy (though I wouldn't compare my situation to yours, I get it, since I'm leaving Korea and I'm not getting the opportunity to give many of my a proper goodbye), but I'm glad there's a place for you to talk about these things.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 27, 2014, 07:04:37 AM
I struggle with depression, and today seems like it will be a tough one.

(I wrote more here, but it seemed kind of pointless, so I deleted it.  In short, no reason, just down.  It happens.)

Do you have a list of go-to things that help? (Not drugs/alcohol).

When I am depressed, the first thing I do is take my doggy for a walk. Going outside and exercising are too of my things. Granted some days I am so down I say to hell with all of it, but on the days that I tell myself I am going to work through the depression my list is a great help.

Other items on list:
1) Color
2) Work on crafts (it's a plastic sting lace thing. I call them lanyards)
3) Listen to Pearl Jam
4) Listen to Our Lady Peace
5) Clean the kitchen


Anyway, just a suggestion from my many years of therapy. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Bob on March 27, 2014, 04:36:48 PM
Cooking and dog walking.......or just walking if you don't have a dog......almost always work
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 15, 2014, 03:29:56 AM
Crashed soooo badly the last few months, investigating meditation and cognitive emotional/behavioral therapy right now.  Just have to find the motivation to get out of bed and actually focus on anything long enough to start and commit to it.

First step may be keeping more active in this thread.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 15, 2014, 07:05:25 AM
Crashed soooo badly the last few months, investigating meditation and cognitive emotional/behavioral therapy right now.  Just have to find the motivation to get out of bed and actually focus on anything long enough to start and commit to it.

First step may be keeping more active in this thread.

I'm right there with you. I need to make sure that I'm not communicating with my mother unless it's absolutely necessary. She keeps pushing me into suicidal territory. :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on April 15, 2014, 08:27:15 AM
 The suicide of a coworkers daughter has had me thinking about apps lately since most everyone has a smart phone. 

 Some kind of CBT helper app.

 Or just something that is distracting, random odd pictures or phrases that make you keep swiping, to get people through that critical moment when the lying voice says why live with the pain any more because things will never get better, it takes time to learn to tell that voice to fuck off, so distraction might be a help.

 Might be hard to create such an app, everyone would want to put messages in to go get help, but at that moment the other lie in your head is that no one can help, so it would have to be pure distraction.  Of course the idea that nothing or no one can help would probably make the app pointless, but if it could help a few people it might be worth it.


Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 15, 2014, 06:39:26 PM
Today was my first time trying the EMDR treatment my therapist suggested. It was mentally exhausting. I went for a run, hoping it would calm me down, but I'm still bordering on a huge down period. I keep getting left home alone, but there's not really a good way for anyone to be around. Everyone I know is either busy or can't talk. Fighting it is getting hard.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on April 15, 2014, 07:23:01 PM
QV, try writing everything that comes to mind (or typing if you are faster typing).  'Unloading' all that your brain is processing can help ease the pressure from it.

I do understand exactly what you mean about it being exhausting.  For the last year or more I was seeing my therapist, whenever I'd bring up EMDR for the PTSD she'd say, "you aren't functioning well enough [rested enough/have the brainpower to 'spare'] to do it," so the symptoms continued (and, with increased triggers, increased).

Something that may be going on is that, since there are depressive components to what you are experiencing, you are also interpreting the mental tiredness as further depressive symptoms.  It is very hard to tease the two apart much of the time.

Hang in there, and, if needed, call your therapist and possibly schedule an additional appointment prior to your next regular one to help process all that's come up.  It will also help her to know how much you can work on at a time.

But EMDR DOES help.  And it can cut the healing time for traumas down dramatically if you can manage it.  [I sure wish I could still.]

Take care of yourself (not cliche', but for real).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 15, 2014, 07:38:03 PM
Since I'm not on hormones at this point, I'm going to probably do a little bit of smoking. I've never had an issue quitting, even with it all the time. I hate to do it, but there's never really been anything that calms me like it does.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 15, 2014, 11:57:27 PM
What's EMDR?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on April 16, 2014, 12:00:43 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 16, 2014, 12:05:17 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

WOW, that sounds like it could be horrific... obviously helpful but, wow.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on April 16, 2014, 03:22:42 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

WOW, that sounds like it could be horrific... obviously helpful but, wow.

Yes, it is very intense, and very mentally draining, but it does a lot of processing of traumatic events in a very short period of time (2-5 sessions can easily do a year's worth of cognitive-behavioral therapy's [CBT's] progress on a trauma).  And, for instance with me, there's really no other truly effective way to process events that at the time were perceived as potentially life-threatening.  Waking up with your brain functioning far less effectively than it was just moments before is, actually, a death of sorts: a 'death' of one's previous self and personality... and the death of one's prior way of interacting with the world.  One can't really 'desensitize' someone to traumatic impact via CBT.  It can happen with EMDR.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 16, 2014, 03:50:43 AM
Sounds good, clearly you've done your research.  I'm basically looking to do CBT myself until I can afford to go to therapy. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 16, 2014, 08:29:56 AM
A couple things I think I'm going to try to do and have ready before the next time we do that, as far as dealing with the aftermath. First, I'm going to try and avoid anything that sets me off afterwards. This means anything competitive or triggering me into depressive states. Secondly, I'm going to try to find someone to spend time with me after the session. The isolation is really rough on my mood.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 18, 2014, 04:50:53 PM
So over the last year, I started smoking pot and drinking again. It's one of the deciding factors about moving to Florida (no weed, and I haven't told my family that I have been drinking, but not being alone will help).

Anyway, so I am going to admit again that I am an alcoholic and a pothead. I have been sober for 9 hours. Today has been soooooo hard. I HATE being alone, and I am feeling so overwhelmed by the move. Also, am I doing the right thing? What if moving to Florida and leaving Denver is the stupidest decision I have ever made.

Also, the boy I have been crushin on for about 2 years (yay being Borderline!) has been acting more flirty since I told him I was leaving. So now I think he actually likes me and that is the reason moving to Florida is such a big mistake.

I am so sad, and scared, and overwhelmed right now. I am doing my grounding exercises, lots of distraction and self-soothing exercises, and I am reaching out to people and telling them the truth. I am lonely and utterly miserable.

I would like to hurry up and be moved to Florida please.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on April 18, 2014, 06:17:15 PM
I am sorry you are having such a rough time, anais.  I am glad that you have stopped pot and drinking again, though.  Moving is always stressful (I believe it is considered one of the top five life stressors), so it is not surprising you are having difficulty.

If someone waits to flirt with you until they know you are leaving, my guess would be they aren't actually ready for a relationship and it is only when they don't have to 'follow through' on the flirting that they will start to do it.  So, personally, I would not be concerned about the person you have been crushing on being the right one for you.

Have you talked to your therapist about resources in the area that you are moving to?  It might be helpful to have an appointment set up with someone there for very shortly after you arrive, so that you are not left alone with the 'system shock' of being in a new place.  We aren't going anywhere here, either, so you have this place available too.

I hope you find yourself happier and less tempted to drink and smoke in your new surroundings.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 18, 2014, 06:25:15 PM
I know that I'd personally have an easier time in a sunnier state than Colorado. It's beautiful here, but it's cold and rough during winter, which has decided to be permanent this year. I think that if you have the means, Florida sounds like an amazing place for you to be. Yeah, moving is stressful, but remaining in a stressful environment is worse, and this is coming from someone who moved away from a really difficult situation. I will miss you, because you were awesome from the few times I DID see you, but if you think it'll be an overall positive thing, go for it!

Also, having been to Florida, the younger guys down there are generally cuter than the ones in Colorado. This place is full of skeevy stoner types, which I generally find revolting. I guess that's my way of saying there's plenty of fish in Florida. :P
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 18, 2014, 07:04:14 PM
Thanks guys.

I am researching all sorts of support in Florida. My main therapist will Skype with me for a few months while I look for another therapist. I can still call my current shrink and DBT therapist for a few months too. I have phone numbers to call regarding getting sexual abuse support once I get there too.

Also, I know this guy is no good. I know it's part of borderline behavior and who knows about Chronic PTSD (my two diagnosis), but I have issues with men. I turn them into savior's, I accept shitty treatment from them, and I hang on way too long. Before I made my final decision to move, my therapist asked me if there was anything that would keep me in CO. I told her if this guy (Richie) asked me to marry him. I am as addicted to men as I am food and drugs :(

Anyway, he hasn't texted me in a couple of days. This is probably a good thing, and I should be happy about it. Le sigh.


I still have so much work to do.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 19, 2014, 09:40:28 AM
Well the lack of pot lasted a long and hard day. Damn it's easy accessibility! Although I realize it was ultimately my choice.


Such an addict. :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 19, 2014, 10:58:01 AM
Well the lack of pot lasted a long and hard day. Damn it's easy accessibility! Although I realize it was ultimately my choice.


Such an addict. :(

Have you tried replacing it with another fixation? Chewing gum, or even putting a pen in your mouth? I picked up the second one after I quit smoking the first time.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 19, 2014, 09:04:48 PM
Well the lack of pot lasted a long and hard day. Damn it's easy accessibility! Although I realize it was ultimately my choice.


Such an addict. :(

Have you tried replacing it with another fixation? Chewing gum, or even putting a pen in your mouth? I picked up the second one after I quit smoking the first time.


So, I bought three joints, smoked 1 while I was SUPER UPSET, and then I watered down the rest and threw them away (nice waste of money there).

Anyway, later in the day, I was super tempted again but I used one of the TIP skills I learned in DBT. I got a big bowl of ice water and then stuck my face in it for about 20 seconds. Then I sat down for 5 minutes. I told myself if I still wanted pot after the 5 minutes, I would go get some. It took about a minute before I didn't want any pot.

The boy texted me tonight though. I made him some CDs and he just says "I'm gonna come buy." Um, hey dick, I happen to be out at the rockies game. Of course, then I started crying and thinking I made a mistake having a life and I should have sat around all day smoking pot and waiting for him to text me.

My boy addiction sucks!  :grr:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 20, 2014, 08:01:38 PM
It's that time of year again, apparently. I realized that it's the end of April, which corresponds to the beginning of the issues I had a few years back, so now I'm depressed, moody, and lacking every bit of identity I've scraped together. I just feel like nothing, and I have no control over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have the drive to shower or leave my room. I feel like crying constantly, and it keeps getting worse.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on April 21, 2014, 12:52:25 PM
It's that time of year again, apparently. I realized that it's the end of April, which corresponds to the beginning of the issues I had a few years back, so now I'm depressed, moody, and lacking every bit of identity I've scraped together. I just feel like nothing, and I have no control over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have the drive to shower or leave my room. I feel like crying constantly, and it keeps getting worse.

How much of this have you talked about with your therapist?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 21, 2014, 01:07:16 PM
It's that time of year again, apparently. I realized that it's the end of April, which corresponds to the beginning of the issues I had a few years back, so now I'm depressed, moody, and lacking every bit of identity I've scraped together. I just feel like nothing, and I have no control over my life. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have the drive to shower or leave my room. I feel like crying constantly, and it keeps getting worse.

How much of this have you talked about with your therapist?

I haven't had a chance. A total of 3 appointments and one of those was basically no talking. And I find out today that the endocrinologist called the old therapist and said she wants me to see a psychiatrist because the first doctor put a bunch of psych note in my file. I'm never going to get in there.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 21, 2014, 05:50:17 PM
My boy addiction sucks!  :grr:

My advice, delete his number so at least you can't instigate contact.

A fresh start in a climate and enviroment that will make hiding harder while getting you out of old habits sounds perfect for you, plus if following @_FloridaMan on Twitter is anything to go by you should get a lot of laughs from the local news.


So, since I've got a bunch of holiday time saved up and I'm actually getting to work about 2-3 days a week I've decided to take drastic action and I'm taking basically all of May off.  Scared I'll spend the whole time in bed on the internet but hoping I can get into a good sleep patten and hopefully get to the gym while being more social, plus it means I'll be getting at least 2 full pay cheques so I can chip away at my debt a little *fingers crossed emoji*
 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 23, 2014, 10:49:43 PM
I'm doing terrible tonight. I'm completely stuck. I don't know what to do or where to go. I have control over nothing in my life. Absolutely NOTHING. I'm scared. I'm alone. I'm depressed. Too late to run.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 24, 2014, 04:25:52 AM
Hang in there.  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on April 25, 2014, 08:49:56 PM
QV, I know it can be hard to see sometimes, especially when you're young and feel like you're waiting for your life to start, but you've got the whole world laid out before you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 28, 2014, 12:32:09 PM
I hung out with "the boy" for what may (or may not be) the last time last night.

He told me that I had my moments when I was attractive (what the fuck does that mean?).

He also said that he admired me more when I wasn't drinking (I also admitted to him that I tried cocaine recently. This is part of the reason I want to be around my family. When I am not lonely, I don't want to do drugs as often, and my two best friends in Denver were the people I did drugs with).

Finally, he is traveling to South America this summer and will be flying back into Miami on August 1st. We made tentative plans for me to pick him up from the airport, but who knows what will happen with it.

All in all, I am happy. I wish I knew what made me attractive so I can do it more and hopefully attract another boy. Maybe even him, but still. I'm sad to hear that he admired me more when I was sober but it also is another reason to get off the damn drugs and alcohol. I am probably putting way too much faith in the idea that if my mom, sister-in-law, and niece can give me hugs whenever I want that I will miraculously not want to use (and that includes not wanting to use food because I am a food addict as well), so I am going to think about going to AA again.

As I sit in Denver for my last day, I wish it would have worked out. I just don't understand why I didn't cultivate any strong non drug related relationships? I feel like I kind of failed living in Denver and if I was a stronger or better person I wouldn't have to move to Florida.

But maybe I was always going to end up in Florida because mis sobrinos (my niece and nephew) are so damn adorable!

/end rant
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on April 28, 2014, 02:04:55 PM
Anais, don't be "sad" about being told you were more attractive when sober, use it to stay sober.  I hate to use the word always but people on something are pretty much always less attractive to people not on something...

Starting over is probably the best thing for you, if you work at making it a fresh start, avoiding falling in with people that will reinforce bad habits. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 28, 2014, 04:45:20 PM
Anais, don't be "sad" about being told you were more attractive when sober, use it to stay sober.  I hate to use the word always but people on something are pretty much always less attractive to people not on something...

Starting over is probably the best thing for you, if you work at making it a fresh start, avoiding falling in with people that will reinforce bad habits.


Thanks Marty. That is why I want to focus on going to AA meetings and focus on my working out hardcore when I am in Florida. I have both good and bad habits here in Denver, so I want to play up the good habits in Florida. And AA will be good because I can make friends that don't drink :).

Also, hopefully I will make lots of friends at the two gyms I am already members of (24 hour and 9Rounds).

So I plan on filling my days with looking for a job, working out, hanging out with los sobrinos, and reading/writing. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 29, 2014, 01:47:04 AM
So, my month off is 3 working days away and instead of being excited I'm terrified.  Had to break down and let my housemate know I'm behind on bills and rent which was humiliating and awful, then get to work (after not going in for the last 3 days... which in turn means I don't get paid and the circle continues) and was taken to an official meeting where I was told my employment is being reviewed. 

I find out tomorrow if I get an official warning or lose my job, I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if I lose my job because I'm in so much debt and in no state to look for work or do interviews... can't stop shaking and all I can think of is how much I want a drink which is a huge part of why I'm in this situation in the first place.


So I plan on filling my days with looking for a job, working out, hanging out with los sobrinos, and reading/writing. :)

GO TEAM!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 30, 2014, 12:20:13 AM
I had a thought today while I was in my session with my therapist. I was feeling extremely down today for no apparent reason, so we didn't do EMDR today. Instead, we just talked, and I realized something. EVERY therapist I've had has always looked at my emotionality and stuff and said: Oh, I know what's wrong! You have [insert any mood disorder here]. They've always treated me with the assumption that I have a mood disorder because I'm prone to mood swings and think quickly, and wrote off the anxiety as a secondary symptom. Looking back, most of my major issues have occurred at extremely stressful points in my life. When I was first diagnosed as bipolar, I was at the height of puberty, in the middle of high school, and coming to terms with my own identity. In 2010, I had just come out and was in a really harsh environment. Recently, I've had millions of things to worry about. I'm thinking that my mood instability is more than likely a product of anxiety. It would explain why mood stabilizers don't really jive that well with me, since they're designed to treat something entirely different. I think that if I need to see a psychiatrist for meds before any doctor will talk to me, I'm going to ask that anxiety be looked at as the primary problem.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 04, 2014, 05:32:58 PM
Just want to let everyone know that things are going really good in Florida. I have abstained from pot, booze, and binge eating. I have been to the gym pretty much everyday, and I am walking Maggie every morning.

The times I have been triggered, I was able to ground myself and move on from the emotion. So, I have only burst into tears thrice :).

Anyway, I am starting Personal Training on Tuesday, and I have a part time job babysitting my niece 2-3 days out of the week. Job search starts tomorrow!

Thank you for all the support my friends.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on May 04, 2014, 05:38:08 PM
Fantastic!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on May 04, 2014, 05:51:40 PM
Great going, a.b!  Sounds like the move is really agreeing with you. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 06, 2014, 10:44:30 AM
I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. I want beer. (etc)


I am feeling super out of sorts. Just a general depression. It's hard to sleep well because I am on a shitty couch bed and I don't have a door to close (I am in a loft area). So I have been working out really hard and trying to deal with all the shit about moving and I don't get to sleep that well and I know that I can just slip away later today and get plastered (despite being on antabuse which is a drug that makes it so you get really sick if you drink. It's really unpleasant but it's possible to drink while on it). Anyway, so that is all I am thinking about right now.

Delicious, delicious beer.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on May 06, 2014, 11:39:45 AM
anais.butterfly, I hope you can hold on and not drink.  It sounds like part of it may be that your system is kind-of 'crashing' from all the tension and mental exertion of moving.  That will pass.  Remember to eat regularly and healthy (some protein at least every 5 hours).  Hopefully something can be figured out to get you some privacy, because that (like not having a physical barrier between your bedroom and the 'outside world') can be very stressful, particularly having been abused in the past.

Take care of yourself, and hold on.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 06, 2014, 12:28:47 PM
You can do it, anais! Alcohol is not a cure for depression. My dad is an alcoholic, and it gave my family a million issues. Moods don't come from a bottle. It's like going on vacation and then expecting your problems will be gone when you get back. They don't go away, they just stay right there, tapping their foot, waiting for you to work them through. Every time you drink, they get more and more impatient and annoyed with you. You don't need to do that to yourself anymore, love. Stay strong and be positive!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 07, 2014, 01:02:30 PM
Thanks guys. This morning I purposely didn't take my Antabuse, but after reading your responses, I went back and took it. I have been missing Denver a lot lately. It's hard to move knowing you can never go back someplace (well I can, but I would have no car, apartment, etc).

I feel better today, though. I went to the gym and I am about to apply for an awesome job that I am perfect for!

I just have to ride out those bad emotional days.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 09, 2014, 10:13:34 AM
I hate my body and I want to stab it with a knife.


I spent 10 days tracking everything I ate, eating roughly 1500 cal (when My Fitness pal says I could eat 2500), and working out everyday (sometimes twice) and walking the dog 30-60 min. My body didn't lose weight, instead it gained 2 pounds.

I hate my body. It's already this disgusting pile of ugly with all the extra skin that won't shrink, but now, even when I do the right things, it won't lose weight. I hate it and I want to stab it. Violently. I want to go slasher movie all over it until nothing is left of it but a pile of blood.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on May 09, 2014, 10:39:50 AM
I spent 10 days tracking everything I ate, eating roughly 1500 cal (when My Fitness pal says I could eat 2500), and working out everyday (sometimes twice) and walking the dog 30-60 min. My body didn't lose weight, instead it gained 2 pounds.

You must have a metabolism like mine, the type of food is just as important as the calories.  Certain foods will make me gain even if my calorie intake is low.  Fortunately I'm not "attached" to food, so if I have to quit eating something I don't feel I need to replace it.   Gave up ice cream and peanut butter many years ago, and I rarely buy potato chips any more (seems like those and most potato based foods I instantly turn into fat), then last year I was gaining and narrowed it down to the type of mac and cheese I had started buying.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on May 09, 2014, 12:41:03 PM
I hate my body and I want to stab it with a knife.


I spent 10 days tracking everything I ate, eating roughly 1500 cal (when My Fitness pal says I could eat 2500), and working out everyday (sometimes twice) and walking the dog 30-60 min. My body didn't lose weight, instead it gained 2 pounds.

I hate my body. It's already this disgusting pile of ugly with all the extra skin that won't shrink, but now, even when I do the right things, it won't lose weight. I hate it and I want to stab it. Violently. I want to go slasher movie all over it until nothing is left of it but a pile of blood.

anais.butterfly, I am very sorry you are having such a rough time.

With the gaining weight, keep in mind that a pint of water weighs one pound.  Weight fluctuations over short periods are far more likely to reflect retained water more than retained fat.

I know this may sound 'new agey', but the brain really does have massive effects on how your body works.  Visualization about your body can help.  Spend even a short time each day looking in a mirror.  [Initially you may find it easier to do so clothed, but over time do so with less on as you get more comfortable with it.]  While looking at yourself say out loud a positive statement about how you feel about your body, think that idea for up to a minute.  Try (as you can) to think - and more importantly, feel - a bit better about your body.  Phrase the statements in such a way that they are just a little more accepting than they may actually be at the time.  e.g. "My body is OK right now."

It is important with this to do a couple things.  The statement must be phrased in a positive way (e.g. NOT "I don't hate my body as much", but maybe something like "I accept my body more than I did yesterday".)  It also greatly helps to feel what that is like; to imagine what it would feel like to accept your body more.  But it is not helpful in a way that 'recognizes' that you don't like it now, or else it reinforces how you feel now, instead of the change.  In other words, when doing this you try to embody that feeling of accepting your body more as it is now and as if you felt that way already.

Accepting your body as it is now does not mean that you can't want it to look and feel differently.  But just as a locomotive can't pull a string of train cars and a caboose until it has backed up to connect with them, your brain can't assist your body in attaining what you want for it until you connect with - by accepting - your body now.  Only then will your brain be able to assist your body's changes.

When you can look in the mirror and accept what you see (regardless of whether you want it to look differently), then you can assist your body in another way.  Then stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself as you are.  Then mentally visualize your body 'shrinking' to the size and shape that you want, and while you are doing that, FEEL what it would be like to have your body like that: what would that feel like to be able to move more comfortably, to interact 'as a person of average weight'.  Do this for maybe a minute a day, then increase the number of times to maybe two or three a day (but do not increase the time spent to more than a minute).  If you feel you are 'forcing' it, or your mind starts drifting to dislike of what you see, then stop and try again later.

I am sorry if this is too 'goal-oriented' a post, but hopefully it will help; if not now, then maybe soon.

I hope you feel better soon.


EDIT: Left kind-of a key sentence out of the first large paragraph, and rephrased parts of the rest of it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 09, 2014, 02:46:20 PM
Lucas, I will try that.

I got my nails done and worked out today. I eat a lot of salt, so my sister-in-law suggested that I might have some humidty/salt caused water weight. *sigh* I love salt.


Anyway, thanks for letting me get my body issues off my chest.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RoninFox on May 10, 2014, 12:55:51 PM
I've had trouble getting away from salty food myself, and I used to add salt to almost everything.  Lately I've tried easing my way off of it by trying small amounts of other spices.  I've found that I cut the amount of salt I want to add to something to less than half if I also add just a little pepper.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 10, 2014, 01:03:19 PM
I'm tired of my mother getting mad at me because I can't go a day without feeling suicidal and I get stressed out to the point where I can't live with myself if I work. She knows how much I hate it, and how much it hurts me that I have to rely on her. Even better, when she knows how stressed and horrible I feel, she throws in a CODY, knowing full well that's a huge trigger for me. Absolutely no thought towards me. NONE. Now I feel terrible and crappy and am thinking seriously about hurting myself. And since my phone is destroyed I have no way to call the people I need to talk to in this situation.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 10, 2014, 01:13:27 PM
Can you Skype with them or use a land line?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 10, 2014, 01:53:44 PM
Can you Skype with them or use a land line?

They don't understand Skype and don't have a computer to use it on anyway, and I don't have a landline.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 10, 2014, 03:11:38 PM
Anyone else you can talk to online?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 17, 2014, 02:26:28 PM
I want to cut myself and kill myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time, and I don't know how to stop it. I had stopped feeling this way in Denver and now I am worried that I feel like this again because I live in this stupid state (FL) with these stupid people (my family)


And I have been drinking.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on May 17, 2014, 03:08:19 PM
I'm sorry that you're having such a rough time.  It sounds very difficult to be in that situation, with those you previously depended on not being present.  With the decreased privacy (I'm guessing that is still an issue) it can magnify those feelings: like being inside a fishbowl with people looking in, but not able to really connect with any of them (and often wanting them to just stop looking).

How you feel is largely independent of where you are geographically.  With you dealing with very very difficult childhood issues, those will be with you and require attention until you get through them (though with many people there are occasional breaks along the way to catch your breath).

Particularly when you feel very down, things seem like they cannot change or won't ever change.  Everything changes.  That is the way the universe works.  But for the changes to be beneficial for you, you have to be in a condition to help guide them the way you want them.  So I hope that you can get past the drinking, and don't substitute something else to numb yourself out.  Because things are almost universally worse when you 'come back' from that.

Please don't cut or kill yourself.  Things can improve, but it is more difficult when you are attacking yourself.

Take care of yourself as best you can, and go back to your list of 'what to do when in crisis', and go through the list as many times as you need to.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on May 17, 2014, 04:09:12 PM
Force yourself to watch a funny show or movie when you feel like that, and stop drinking, that only makes things worse.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 17, 2014, 04:17:48 PM
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 18, 2014, 10:59:38 AM
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.

I hope you aren't feeling that way because I was talking about it. If so, I am sorry.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 18, 2014, 11:00:38 AM
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Wonder Warthog on May 18, 2014, 11:59:53 AM
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)

For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.

Have you considered Dianetics?  Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 18, 2014, 12:48:49 PM
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)

I haven't had a drink in 3 weeks which is the longest in 7 years or so, abject poverty and barely being able to afford bills, rent and food sort of helps in a weird way.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on May 18, 2014, 01:22:11 PM
Have you considered Dianetics?  Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/

I've heard some spells from the Harry Potter books can be just as effective.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 18, 2014, 01:57:50 PM
For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.

I hope you aren't feeling that way because I was talking about it. If so, I am sorry.

Don't worry, Anais, it's got nothing to do with you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Wonder Warthog on May 18, 2014, 10:09:04 PM
Have you considered Dianetics?  Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/

I've heard some spells from the Harry Potter books can be just as effective.

I was only trying to help.  Your flippant mockery is dismissive of the feelings of those in this thread.  Show respect.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on May 18, 2014, 10:18:30 PM
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 18, 2014, 10:45:13 PM
I had a really rough night last night... I couldn't get the thought of cutting out of my head. It was really bad about an hour before my roommate got home, and no one I was calling/texting was answering... I had to really fight it, and I haven't cut myself in four years. I had a little bit of it happen today, and it's scaring me. Something in my brain is telling me how good it feels, over and over, and I keep thinking about how mice it felt to have blood on my arms... I hate it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Wonder Warthog on May 18, 2014, 11:11:48 PM
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.

umm...him or me?  I assure you sir I was not being funny.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on May 18, 2014, 11:14:29 PM
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.

umm...him or me?  I assure you sir I was not being funny.

You are so close to being banned.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 19, 2014, 12:00:10 AM
Take your 'comedy' out of this thread.

umm...him or me?  I assure you sir I was not being funny.

Couple of things. This is not a thread to pimp anything. This is a thread to support people who're having a really tough time. If dianetics helped you find peace, fine, but it doesn't belong in this thread. In my opinion, one of the worst things you can do to someone who's going through distress is to dangle an idea of happiness in front of them, because people who're not in a good place are liable to turn to any solution they can to feel better, and it's a dirty and disgusting way to get people to be religious, or whatever Scientology is considered. How do you think cult leaders find most of their followers?

If you're making a sarcastic pass at Scientology and Dianetics, it still doesn't belong in this thread. This is a place for hurt people needing help and advice and support here and now, not a place to crack jokes. And stop irritating Grug.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Gandalf Lundgren on May 19, 2014, 01:30:06 AM
I have decided to quit drinking. I have been sober for 12 hours. I hope you guys will help support me as I regain sobriety. :)

For the past few days, I've been feeling terrible. Worst part is that I legitimately and seriously am thinking about harming myself, but I don't want to. I can't get it out of my head and how I feel so absolutely horrible I'm starting to want to.

Have you considered Dianetics?  Lots of people have used it to find peace of mind.
http://www.dianetics.org/

Go watch one of your poster boy's movies. I've heard Oblivion is ok.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on May 19, 2014, 06:48:11 AM
I apologize if my response was inappropriate. I wanted to say some very un-sarcastic things about it, but I stopped myself because I didn't want to start a big fight in the middle of things. I found it very disrespectful of the people in distress here to recruit for Scientology of all things. It made me really mad. Maybe that's intolerant of religion, but I don't consider Scientology to be a religion. Anything even close to a cult needs to be far far away from this thread. I had to say something, and I opted for flippant dismissal in defense of my friends I felt were being preyed upon. I didn't want to draw attention away from their problems, nor did I want to say nothing.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on May 19, 2014, 08:21:36 AM
 Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity.  It's something you can do anywhere, anytime.  It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game.  And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.

 

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 19, 2014, 08:25:57 AM
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity.  It's something you can do anywhere, anytime.  It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game.  And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.

I'd actually disagree with the game portion of that. For me, when I'm playing Skyrim or something like that, I'm telling a story to myself, so it's similar to a book, but I get more invested in it because I'm a direct part of the story. Problem is that I haven't been able to make a Skyrim character stick in these past few weeks.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 19, 2014, 08:37:09 AM
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity.  It's something you can do anywhere, anytime.  It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game.  And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.

I'd actually disagree with the game portion of that. For me, when I'm playing Skyrim or something like that, I'm telling a story to myself, so it's similar to a book, but I get more invested in it because I'm a direct part of the story. Problem is that I haven't been able to make a Skyrim character stick in these past few weeks.

I feel exactly the same way about gaming, keeps my hands and brain engaged and I need to have focus so I can't drink.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on May 19, 2014, 08:51:18 AM
Actually I'd suggest reading something like Harry Potter as a replacement for drinking or cutting or any other self destructive activity.  It's something you can do anywhere, anytime.  It requires more active use of your mind than watching TV or playing a video game.  And if you read something interesting it can help turn off feelings of not wanting to be around any longer, wanting to stick around long enough to finish a book series can be a big thing sometimes.

I'd actually disagree with the game portion of that. For me, when I'm playing Skyrim or something like that, I'm telling a story to myself, so it's similar to a book, but I get more invested in it because I'm a direct part of the story. Problem is that I haven't been able to make a Skyrim character stick in these past few weeks.

 When reading you have to use your imagination to generate the view of the world in your head, a game does all that for you.

 There's also the issue of becoming invested in a story by someone else, that might challenge your own thoughts.  Immersing yourself in your own story can reinforce self destructive ideas instead of helping you get away from them.
 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 19, 2014, 09:07:16 AM
I have been using reading a lot actually.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 22, 2014, 12:41:41 AM
I was feeling GREAT 2 hours ago. Then I read a bunch of depressing things that COMPLETELY shattered my great day. I'm furious and shaking and crying and just not doing well. Why can't people understand the amount of self hatred I have, and how it's tied to the massive god damned dissonance between my mind and body?! How can someone call SRS or HRT ELECTIVE?! Those surgeries and treatments are some of the most vital I can think of. Why do we make it so fucking hard for people to get the treatments they deserve?! We force people to jump through hoop after hoop to prove to everyone that they're who they are. Cis people don't have to go through that bullshit. For fucks sake, GAY people don't have to go through that. But if someone is trans, we have to hold them back from everything that can help them be WHO THEY FUCKING ARE. They spread garbage about transwomen wanting to trick men into sleeping with them, like our sex lives are nothing but vindictive. I go onto random chat sites a lot for human contact, and if I reveal that I'm trans, I get called SHEMALE, TRANNY, LADYBOY, and other garbage slurs. People say "So you're a guy who wants to be a girl, right?" or "So you're a chick with a dick?" No. FUCK YOU. I'm a transwoman. I told you what I am. There's so much garbage out there that's pushing so fucking hard against me from the outside, not to mention my own torture from inside. Do you know how much EASIER it would be if I just stopped and "decided" to be male? I wouldn't have people looking weirdly at me in public, glancing at me with that look that says "There's something wrong, but I can't quite place it." I wouldn't have to put up with a mother who undermines my needs at every turn, a father who refuses to acknowledge me, a family full of relatives who don't tip toe around who I am. Literally the worst thing you can do to someone when they're making a change for the betterment of themselves, aside from completely rejecting them, is to ignore it. If my family would use the right pronouns, call me by my name, SOMETHING, but instead they act like it'll go away. I've tried. I fucking TRIED to let it go away, and it didn't. I really don't know what to do. I don't feel well. I'm crazy furious and emotional and depressed and upset and shaking. I want to hit something, or cut myself, or kill myself, or SOMETHING, I just don't want to deal with this anymore. I hate this world, I hate everything in it. I hate people who can't let other people live their lives, they need to force people to conform, or suffer. Those seem to be my only choices. Conform, and be what we want you to be, and suffer internally, or be who you want to be, and suffer externally. No matter what, I get to suffer, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 22, 2014, 03:13:37 AM
Sorry to hear that QV, staying true to who you are in the face of ignorance and hostility is something you should be incredibly proud of.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 27, 2014, 02:29:09 PM
Today I feel really out of place. Like my brother, sister-in-law, and other roommate are all into raising the kids and stuff, and I have to try really hard to get some sort of nurturing instinct. I mean, I love my niece and nephew, but I don't feel like my life revolves around them.

Anyway, I just feel down about it right now. I don't like feeling lonely, especially lonely around people. I feel like not having a job is really starting to get to me.

Ugh. Anyway, I am not going to drink. I wanted to go to the gym with my sister-in-law, but she won't be able to go until around 8pm, and now, since I asked her to go to the gym with me, I am afraid that she will be upset if I go without her. I really think going to the gym would make me feel better.

I went to that Fort Refudge website, but I didn't feel comfortable posting there.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 29, 2014, 08:16:24 AM
I find it ironic that my forum status is "Not hurt by pain" and yet I pretty much only post in this thread.


Also, Malt, I didn't get to read your entire post, but I am glad your kitties are trying to cheer you up. My furbabies get me through the tough times.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on May 30, 2014, 06:18:37 PM
Hope you're feeling better today Malt, sorry I didn't read the whole thing.  Are you getting help?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on May 30, 2014, 06:55:37 PM
Malt, though (with my brain the way its been) I had to break it into a couple times, I read your entire post.  I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time, and hope that you begin to feel some relief soon.

As ScottotD asked, are you getting help?  If you don't have medical insurance, there are free clinics around (though the quality of help there varies greatly).

In my still-fragile brain condition (nearly 9 weeks now) I can't respond to more of the details you wrote.  But I did want you to know that someone heard you, understands, and wants you to feel better.

Take care of yourself as best you can.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 30, 2014, 08:02:00 PM
I broke a rule today. I've been drunk since 12:30. I feel terrible for doing it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 30, 2014, 10:37:50 PM
I have been crying for like 30 minutes. I want to be aother more than anything but how can I put my kids through that... eventually they'll hear that mommy wasn't always a mommy. Then they will have to deal with that. I don't know what to do... I can't stop thinking about what would happen to those poor kids... they don't deserve that... is my being what I want to be worth that?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on May 30, 2014, 10:56:18 PM
Step one is to not think about this at all until sober, I would think.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: gbeenie on May 30, 2014, 11:22:43 PM
What children deserve is parents who love and value them. There's not even a close second. I've known a number of transgendered parents, and none would tell you any different.

The thing I've seen as a common trait among the good parents I know is that having a child is an act of optimism. Not necessarily optimism that the world will be a stronger, kinder place than when you were a child; but that you will raise children who value strength and kindness. That is what makes the world better.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 31, 2014, 04:20:15 PM
Had a good sized post, and then I hit my thumb button on my mouse and lost it all. Cliff notes: I'm glad that I had a breakdown last night because I'd been repressing stuff for weeks instead of processing, and it helped me do that. I'm still really emotional today, but I'm feeling more or less better.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on June 03, 2014, 03:00:04 AM
Malt, I hope you can get some relief soon.

I am sorry that your mother is as she is.  Parents are flawed, as we all are, and some pass along things that are very hurtful, as your mother is doing.

It is a good choice to post in any forum where you find it helps, here, or elsewhere - as long as your post is appropriate to the thread, as these have been, it is fine.

It is also a good choice to avoid smoking pot.  Pot does mute some emotion (though it exaggerates others) but it also mutes the ability to think clearly, which can cause difficulties with finding ways out of distressing situations.

Again, I hope you can feel some relief soon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 05, 2014, 12:13:10 AM
Feel free to post in here as much as you're comfortable Malt  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 08, 2014, 02:25:47 AM
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 08, 2014, 03:27:10 PM
I know I've said this before, but, did you expect anything other than that response?  Unless you are not telling us about all the times she was helpful and understanding, you shouldn't be expecting her to be that way.

Try to find a counselor or some other mental health professional to call when you feel that way, someone that might actually help you.

Also think about if you are calling her as a way to make yourself feel worse, there is that part of depression that causes people to do that, make yourself feel worse as a way to convince yourself things are hopeless.  Also think about if you are trying to force a sympathetic response from her, by hurting yourself or saying you are going to, (she'll be sorry, etc...), that is another trap you might be falling into without realizing it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 09, 2014, 03:14:01 AM
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."

What did you do after that?  :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 09, 2014, 08:13:00 AM
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."

What did you do after that?  :(

Cried on my pillow for 10 minutes and called my therapist.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 09, 2014, 09:55:51 PM
Called my mom today telling that I felt horrible and I felt like hurting/killingmyself. Her response? "I'm busy, I don't have time for this."

What did you do after that?  :(

Cried on my pillow for 10 minutes and called my therapist.

I'm glad you called someone who wants to help you :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 14, 2014, 02:16:48 PM
I'm not much for sharing, but something's been bothering me for a few days now and I thought I'd work it out with you relative strangers. I'm not sure if I've ever come out and said it, but since I left Walmart, I've been driving a school bus. Similar hours (in number, if not schedule), but a hell of a lot better pay (a little over $4 more per hour). So instead of taking the summer off like most drivers do and take unemployment until school starts again, I decided to volunteer for summer school. And lucky me, in my town, they start directly after the school year ends, no break. Not sure who the genius was who came up with that, but it's what I got. At the time I signed up, it was a month before school ended and I was relatively okay. Strangely enough, as the end drew nearer, the more burned out I started to feel, especially with all the extra field trips that I was doing. They were great money, but raised my stress levels quite a bit towards the end. So where I am now is burned out, but locked into working for the next month until summer school is out.

Of course, the reason for my burnout is easy to figure out. I'm a serious introvert. I hate crowds. And I'm stuck in a bus for 4 hours or more a day with around 40 kids, give or take. At least I have secondary school kids for my summer route. They basically mind their own business and let me drive. I think I'd be pulling my hair out with elementary kids. While I don't dislike kids as a rule, as an introverted professional driver, I consider myself a driver far more than any sort of authority figure. I keep an eye on them and make sure the kids aren't hanging out the windows or hurting each other, but otherwise, I concentrate on my driving, not making sure they're properly seated and quiet.

Anyway, I say all this to come to one comment that one of my summer kids said to me. It was a question. She's a middle school kid who's one of my last stops and was going over her future plans and what she wanted to do. After she went over her own thoughts, she asked me a question. She asked me whether I'd ever had any dreams. I was a little stumped by the question, to tell the truth. It's rare for the kids to actually care what their bus driver has to say. I told her that my problem had always been that I couldn't make up my mind, which is mostly true, but a serious oversimplification. I had a lot of plans over my young adulthood, but every time I came up with something, it never panned out. I wanted to be a writer in high school because I did so well in my English classes and loved reading. Then I learned that I didn't have that knack for storytelling that's so crucial for a writer. After taking a psychology class in high school, I found I was interested in that, so after I got my Associate's in Liberal Arts, I decided to go with psychology as my major for my BA. The plan was to eventually become a Licensed Professional Counselor. Then while finishing that BA, I realized just how introverted and not a people person I am, so that seemed like a horrible fit for me. I went back for a semester to work on getting a certification to teach English, but found out that I couldn't get anymore financial aide for undergraduate work, so ended up having to drop that. Ever since then, I've been bouncing around from job to job, never earning enough to even begin to pay my student loans off and crippled financially by child support payments and eventually step children whose father rarely pays his own because he's a bum who can't keep a job.

Not even sure where I was going with this aside from a "poor me" rant. Sometimes I think I need to be on antidepressants or something so I can get out of my rut and maybe be more productive, but then I talk myself out of even seeing a therapist. I convince myself that it's too expensive and my problems aren't bad enough to warrant it. That I'm just being whiny. Then there are days like today that my mind vault feels like it's about to explode off its hinges. I'm sure after an hour or so, I'll feel stupid for even writing this, so I'll go ahead and hit "Post" before I talk myself out of it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on June 14, 2014, 06:07:52 PM
MSTJedi, you are most definitely not being 'just whiney'.  I think a good psychologist could help you, and, as you thought it, possibly some medication as a temporary boost to help you come out of the dark place you're finding yourself.

As you already pointed out, it is hard to get your feet back under you when your circumstances keep pushing you in different directions - ones you did not intend to go in.

I would take the student asking you about your dreams as a 'nudge' to do things so you can re-focus yourself on what you would really like to do.  And to do that, as you point out very clearly, you need to feel emotionally stable enough to approach any obstacles that come your way.

I hope you can get some help.  Feeling lost and overwhelmed is a terrible place to live emotionally.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 15, 2014, 10:08:14 AM
Do you think you might qualify for some financial aid now for a votech type of degree or something you could finish at night school? English is a really, REALLY tough field to crack into (I think the last English job at my wife's school got over 100 applicants), but there are other subjects you might be qualified to teach, and getting a degree in that should be a different enough thing that you might be OK.

Well, driving kinda became a votech thing for me. I actually still have a Class A CDL, which allows me to drive basically anything on the road, from driving an 18-wheeler back in 2010. All I had to do was get the passenger and school endorsements for my license to drive a bus. Most bus drivers only have a Class B. Technically, I still owe the company I worked for in 2010 for my training because I only worked for them for 6 months instead of the year I signed on for, but I haven't got a bill for it and, honestly, they got their money's worth out of me for paying me the criminally low wage per mile ($0.26) that they did, sending me on all the crap runs that had me waiting around for hours, up to a day at times, for a load. I could probably get another job driving an 18-wheeler, but to tell the truth, I don't want to go back to it. Driving one of those things with a 53-foot trailer behind is a serious pain in the ass, not to mention parking the thing. A 40-foot bus is a cake walk after that. After I get a little more time driving, I may look into getting a delivery truck job, but for local work, they usually want someone who's got more experience (at least a year) and I've only been driving again since late October. To tell the truth, I really like driving. I'd just much rather not have to deal with passengers. Especially prepubescent ones. I'll never make a fortune as a driver, but I've never cared about that. I don't even want to think about retirement, though.

As for financial aide, as far as I understand it, any school work that isn't post-graduate is ineligible for financial aide, including votech study. And honestly, at this point, I owe over $30K after all the interest that's accrued on my loans over the years I've been unable to pay them. I graduated with my BA in 2003, after all. I really don't feel like digging that hole any deeper.

And thanks for the support, LucasM. I was right about feeling stupid for posting after I did it, but I left it up because I needed to vent somewhere.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on June 15, 2014, 11:26:31 AM
I, for one, am here for you MST3KJedi
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 16, 2014, 02:18:29 AM

And thanks for the support, LucasM. I was right about feeling stupid for posting after I did it, but I left it up because I needed to vent somewhere.

Don't feel stupid, if anything's a big issue to you then you're more than allowed to treat it as such.  Pain, sadness, anger, etc is not a competition  ;D
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 19, 2014, 10:30:21 PM
At least I do have some moments of almost fully realized happiness and inner peace, I just wish those moments would last longer.

I know the feeling, something I wrote to use as a signature about 20 years ago when I was seriously down:

   Moments fly by
The ones that last forever are the ones you don't want to
          The ones that you want to end too soon…

Quote
Also, I know I keep saying this to myself, but I really need to get out of the house more. Note to self, get out of the house more.

Force yourself to get out and do something, even if it's just a random walk through the neighborhood.  Stay inside too much and it starts to be like a prison, gets hard just to open the door and go out for anything...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 19, 2014, 11:20:57 PM
I forgot if I mentioned this already or not, but that Starship Enterprise you built was pretty awesome, especially when you got it all lit up. I believe that was you.

Thanks, it was a lot of work, accept for a few minor decal alignment issues it came out pretty much the way I hoped.  The husband of the chemistry stockroom manager was joking he'd like to buy it, but I'd have to build another one if I sold it, at 300+ hours of work I'd have to get thousands for it.  ;D

I know there are some people out there willing to pay that much, there's a few people that make money building models like that for others.

As for the getting out thing, is there any place you like to go at least a 15 minute drive away?  I really didn't start doing better until I started going to the horse ranch several times a week, something that takes a few hours is better than short trips.  And of course horses are fantastic at making you feel better, really hard to feel depressed when brushing a horse, heck, just watching him eat grass is therapeutic as hell.   
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 19, 2014, 11:58:46 PM
Thanks.

Yeah, I just need to force myself out, because I'm rarely ever actually in the mood to leave the house, even when I can think of something to do or somewhere to go.

I can sympathise with this completely.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on June 20, 2014, 07:45:46 AM
Just some personal thoughts I wanted to vent:

Sometimes I wish that I were asexual and had no libido.


I used to feel like that because I was so co-dependent and I figured the only way I was worth something was if I wa in a relationship. It has taken me a long time, but now I feel happy to be single and I know that when I am ready for a real relationship (not the shit I had before) I will get one. Well I feel like 95% of the time.


Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on June 20, 2014, 11:00:19 AM
Sometimes I think my problems aren't even that big, and could be easily solved if I would just get over myself. I think maybe I am addicted to sadness and depression. Like it somehow comforts me, even though I don't want it to. I know it's not all my fault though, but it's something I should probably work on more... but I just don't like lying to myself or 'tricking myself' into being happy or optimistic when I'm really not feeling that way... Other times I feel like deep, deep down I am happy at times, but I just won't let myself bring it to the surface. At least I do have some moments of almost fully realized happiness and inner peace, I just wish those moments would last longer.

I am sorry you are having such prolonged difficulties.

If the problems you are having result in difficulties functioning, they are "that big" - regardless of whether anyone else thinks so.

With your statement, "I think maybe I am addicted to sadness and depression. Like it somehow comforts me, even though I don't want it to," we actually do get accustomed to what we have experienced, and it is often frightening to try something new, because it is different.  With feeling something new we don't know how it will really feel, because we haven't enough experience with it.  We have an idea how it will be, but can't be sure that it will actually be better.  So it is often hard to break into something different.

From a biochemical/brain standpoint: the brain's systems have, through emotions we have felt more than others, and the thinking that supports those, has certain amounts of the different neurotransmitters present in different parts of the brain.  It takes a while for those transmitter levels to change consistently with new feelings.  While the brain is reaching the new transmitter equilibrium, things will feel less stable, because they are in transition from one 'balance' between them, to another.

That you have had times of almost fully realized happiness and inner peace is a good sign.  It means that your brain already has a neurochemical (and psychological) pattern present for that.  So you have an idea what you are 'aiming for'.

One thing that can be difficult, but isn't impossible, is to try to focus on those times.  Not as something rare, but just focus on them and try to feel them when you are feeling a habitual 'average' feeling.  By trying to feel that in the present at those times, you can help trigger the release of the neurotransmitters that result in those feelings, and, basically, train your brain to get used to that feeling biochemically, so it can happen more often.  But trying to focus on the feelings you'd like when you are feeling down for a specific reason (e.g. just experienced some setback) doesn't usually work, and can feel like - as you said - you are tricking yourself.

I hope this helps a bit.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Malt on June 20, 2014, 04:17:14 PM
http://www.youtube.com/v/VqHSbMR_udo

http://youtu.be/VqHSbMR_udo
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on June 24, 2014, 03:11:01 AM
Slooooooow progress is slow and frustrating, need more distractions and/or different/better meds.  On the plus side, I announced in front of crowds of 300+ on Saturday and Sunday while only half full of Xanex  ;)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 16, 2014, 07:29:54 PM
I've been thinking about my parents, and I'm trying to determine if the relationship is salvageable at this point. I honestly don't think so. It started a couple of days ago, when I actually started looking into the requirements to immigrate to Sweden. Part of it is that I'm so god damned sick of how backwards this country is and I want to leave, but a huge piece of it for me is that there will be an ocean in between me and my family. There would be no way for me to keep my cell number, and there would be no reason for me to speak to them ever. They would be completely out of my life, and that thought is entirely relieving. That's what got me thinking about it, wondering if the relationship is broken beyond repair.

IF YOU QUOTE ME, PLEASE LEAVE THE SPOILERED SECTION OUT OF IT. It's not pleasant, and I know that some people with past trauma may have issues with it, so I'm spoilering it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

After all the stuff I've been through with them, I don't know if I can stand it anymore. I've been feeling depressed and shitty since I've started thinking about this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: mearnest on July 16, 2014, 08:11:19 PM
That's terrible.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  I'm going through some family drama right now too.  Although I'm not looking at moving across an ocean, I am considering moving out of town.  My situation is quite different from yours, but like you I feel it might be best to remove myself from a hostile situation.  Try not to beat yourself up over doing what you think is best for you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on July 16, 2014, 11:58:08 PM
That's so awful, QV.  I guess the advantage of distance would be you can decide if/when you want to make contact and how much later on, as opposed to having them be able to do that here... or I guess you could change your number as a trial?  Not sure how close you live to them now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 17, 2014, 08:46:06 AM
  QV, making it harder to visit them won't make the issues go away, you still need to work through those.  Do they initiate contact now or is it always you?  An ocean, a lot of land, or a few miles isn't going to change anything if you are the one calling them.  You will still feel the same no matter what the distance, you will still have to work on the issues you have with them.

  There are plenty of places in this country that you would probably feel more comfortable living in, if the people in your area are really an issue.  The healthcare system is a different issue, that might be worth leaving the country for if it would help you better.

 As for the spoilered issues:
Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on July 18, 2014, 08:16:12 AM
I moved to Denver to be away from my family. In the interim, both they and I have grown a lot, and I feel much more comfortable now. (Not that I don't sometimes regret moving away from Denver, but I digress).

I agree that you need to deal with the issues. If they also grow, that is great for them, but you are only in control of yourself and how you grow and react to these things. You can work on these issues in CO, in Sweden, or even back home with them, but you can only control you.

If you do decide to move to Sweden, the best of luck to you!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: mearnest on September 09, 2014, 07:12:56 PM
Well, thanks to the family drama I mentioned a while back I'm looking at being homeless.  :speechless:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on September 09, 2014, 08:26:56 PM
Well, thanks to the family drama I mentioned a while back I'm looking at being homeless.  :speechless:

That sucks. I know because I'm currently between homes myself. Luckily, my parents were able to take me in temporarily, but it's far from perfect, seeing as my wife and kids are living 30 minutes away with her parents. Do you have anyone you can possibly stay with until you get things straightened out or is everything completely up in the air?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: mearnest on September 09, 2014, 09:08:54 PM
I'm trying to figure that out now.  I've been taking care of my mom for a while now pretty much full-time.  My brother decided that because of my past issues to assume legal control and has said he intends to evict me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on September 10, 2014, 06:45:15 AM
I'm trying to figure that out now.  I've been taking care of my mom for a while now pretty much full-time.  My brother decided that because of my past issues to assume legal control and has said he intends to evict me.

It really does suck when it's family doing the ousting. In my case, it was my grandmother-in-law/landlady that booted us out. I can imagine it'd be even harder when it's your own brother.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on October 06, 2014, 06:15:08 PM
Keeping some forward momentum, off meds and into therapy plus doing some yoga. 

How's everyone else doing?  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on October 06, 2014, 06:58:07 PM
You are the coolest Butterfly, I know. Please don't hurt yourself. Listen, I'm Irish, not a day goes by when I don't say "I wish the Lord would take me now!" We are a sorrowful people.

Suicide is not "the easy way out" anyone who says that never put a gun in their mouth. Pulling that trigger is the hardest thing in the world!

That said, dying is easy, living is hard. It should be hard. The struggle is your dignity-- your self respect...

Why are you so sad?

Anti-depression drugs can cause weight gain. (I'm sorry I am reading your posts in a panic... typing and reading in no particular order),

Um... no you can not get everything you want. Many Americans are depressed because they think that is true, or they believe TV or media that tells them things like that. As the Prophet Jagger said, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try some time, you just might find, you get what you need..."

Are you sleeping well? Has your doctor exhausted all of the somatic possibilities... (depression can be caused by many physiological factors.... even infections!).

Are you getting regular sex? I'm sorry to be intrusive but it is a very important component to mental health. Sex is like air, it's no big deal until you are not getting any...

I don't expect an answer, just think about these things.

I think you are the coolest, and I don't want anything to happen to you!

Rev. Randy!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on October 19, 2014, 08:47:29 PM
Satan is visiting this weekend (Satan is the name for my mother; you may know her as the great deceiver). I managed to have an ok time with a bit of fermented grapes and a good meal that I made. YEAH BAD COPING MECHANISMS!

Tomorrow morning, we're going to see my therapist. My therapist says she's basically gonna be an advocate for me, helping Satan know what I need in order for me to not hate her.

Also, my roommate's mother was here, and mirrored his sentiments towards her; fake nice, with a large helping of "I'm holding my tongue"
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on October 19, 2014, 09:18:43 PM
I hope things go well with your Mum and your therapist, the fact she's willing to go at all seems like a good sign.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on October 19, 2014, 11:24:41 PM
I hope things go well with your Mum and your therapist, the fact she's willing to go at all seems like a good sign.
I can already tell you what will happen. She will act like she will do things. A weeking later she'll act as she always has. A lot of fake niceness aND biting her tongue.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on October 20, 2014, 02:40:49 AM
No. I know Satan, well. All of His names. Your mother is not Satan. Not even close. I know you think that is funny. But. It is not.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on October 20, 2014, 08:08:12 AM
No. I know Satan, well. All of His names. Your mother is not Satan. Not even close. I know you think that is funny. But. It is not.

I don't think it's funny. If it offends you, that's fine. As far as I'm concerned, that woman is the devil. She's made a hobby out of keeping me down and hurting me and making my life horrible. She is the worst person in my life. That is what the word Satan means to me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on October 20, 2014, 08:25:39 AM
My mom was a terrible person, Satan is something else. Satan wants you, QV, BTW, He loves your name. Satan wants the best for you and He loves when you flop around like a kitten on the internet. Parents. generally do not like that. Satan loves it.

Generally, if parents hate it, Satan loves it... this is a very long-standing tradition.

I talk to Satan but he is a bore, I think you are much more interesting. I'm gonna pay for that, but whatever... He likes the fingernail cracking... whatev... totally not impressed, and then he gets all up in the Cancers... whatever... still not impressed. Don't be impressed with this guy, like people more than Mythology!

I think you are cool.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on November 25, 2014, 08:24:58 PM
Some times I wonder what's up with me. Spoilered because extremely personal information is to follow, and I'm drunk, and I may not want a record of this out there. PLEASE don't quote this post if you reply to it.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on November 26, 2014, 09:42:50 AM
Go team QT!  Most people I've know and I had a weird experience as their first time so you're far from alone there.

You already understand that he's not looking for something serious so you're a lot more aware and alert about things than I would be.  I say a fun, relaxed, casual FB could make things brighter for you as long as you remember he's not looking to commit and you just enjoy it while it lasts, if you feel like you might be hurt emotionally then you should (hopefully) be okay backing out. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on November 27, 2014, 09:47:37 PM
QV, get your pleasures where and when you can. It is always later than you think....
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on November 28, 2014, 04:12:27 AM
I was reading through this thread and I read QV say something about, somebody telling her that god doesn't make mistakes...

Oy! If you accept that there is no god then you realize that NATURE makes mistakes all the time. NATURE makes mistakes every 30 seconds or less... We have had entire "freak-shows" based on NATURE'S so-called mistakes.

The mistakes that NATURE makes are questing and probing and adapting. There are none of us, perfect and none of us, without NATURE'S mistakes. I was born with paralyzing MS-- it runs in my genes. That is no different that the fact that you may have been born male but wired to be female.

This is fairly common. And not a mistake. Ancient peoples recognized this fact and made men who born into women's bodies, or woman who were born into men's--- they made them shamans because they could communicate with both worlds, and they were lifted up and exalted.

(Well that was bad writing because "lifted up" and "exalted" means the same thing.... sorry.... but you understand what I mean.)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on January 07, 2015, 04:55:24 PM
"There is a problem though, unfortunately this line does not contact with men. I'm so sorry but we are not going to be able to contract with you at this time. I apologize for wasting your time but wish you the beat of luck in your future endevors."

It's over the phone. What the hell does it matter what genitals I have? Been crying and drinking all after noon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 18, 2015, 04:00:37 AM
I made one observation in regards to a post on another forum.  Then I made the mistake of getting into a 'discussion' with someone who kept changing the discussion (away from my point) and massively misquoting me and misrepresenting what I'd said before tearing apart the argument that HE made up and attributed to me (then in subsequent posts he accused me of mis-stating and misrepresenting my position when I cut-and-pasted quotes from my prior posts to show that his statement of what I said was incorrect).  On 4 1/2 hours sleep, I got highly agitated by this before saying, "if you can't understand what I write, there's no point in me continuing to do so," [at which time he called me a "baby taking his things and leaving in his pram"].

I was so agitated by this interchange as it was progressing that, through this evening after blocking the poster and unsubscribing from the thread entirely (a feature I really like there), it took over 7 TIMES my usual dose of Valium to get my PTSD hyperactivation under control (e.g. blood pressure, heart rate).  Not from anger, but from the hyperactive stress response.  I just wanted to fucking present my thoughts on an IDEA someone presented, not get into a fucking pissing contest (which I refused to get into, and he then referred to me as 'dodging the arguments', when, instead, I was trying to extract myself from a non-productive discussion, as it seemed to me that the other person wasn't bothering to even try to comprehend what I was writing).

What I want to know is: do I get incoherent when I write here?  Incoherent to where if I explain it afterwards what I initially said really wasn't what I later explain that it meant?  Or am I, as I tend to think most of the time - (and am accused of most of the time) - TOO precise and detailed in what I write and the exact wording I use in order to say what I mean?  [A combined hazard of the head injuries following the precision necessary for neuropsychological assessment evaluation reports, where the slightest difference in wording can alter how someone is subsequently medically treated, so one is intensely careful in choosing exactly the right words.]

I just fucking hope I can get to sleep early enough 'tonight' (yes, it's almost 7am here, nearly an hour past my bedtime), where getting up to an alarm in the morning doesn't fuck me up like it did Tues AM.

Thank you to anyone who can give HONEST feedback.  I just want to know the truth, whether it is one way or the other.  If I actually DO say things far different than what I later explain that I meant, then I want to know so I can just shut the fuck up entirely.  I can't take the stresses that this shit puts on my system, and if "never commenting anywhere, ever" is a way to reduce that, then so be it.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on February 18, 2015, 04:12:10 AM
Lucas,
     I hope you feel better! 7 times your normal dose?  That sounds scary!  :speechless:

Anyway, that person sounds like a Internet Trawl (Troll).  Their purpose is to make  you upset. You can tell, usually, by the insults and logic they use.   I know that's an old answer, but I bet it's correct.  They could have wanted you to get upset, and laughed at your reaction.  That's all a trawl wants...they "trawl" for emotional reactions.  >:(

    Another, but smaller possibility is, that person was having a " mental meltdown" on the forum, and may well soon feel regret about their behavior.  Don't expect an apology from this person, if they are trawling.  If it is someone who was having a mental moment, they may apologize.

    Or, they may have been drunk.

   You never know, when you are chatting with someone on the internet, the mental state of the person with whom you're interacting.   You may have said something innocent, and it pushed their button, so to speak.

   My advice?  Let it go, and focus on feeling better.  The person may have been drunk, having a bad day, been a troll, or, having an "episode" online.  People on the net are not always rational.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on February 18, 2015, 04:50:54 AM
You're absolutely coherent, Lucas. This is on that person, not you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 05:53:23 AM
Lucas, it's the internet. You are throwing pearls before swine. You are a good writer and clear- unfortunately, you were probably writing to some 12 year old who just wanted to frustrate you! Don't let the trolls get you. In fact the internet is really not good for some people....

Recently, I too, I know it's hard to believe, was bullied by many of my Rifftrax friends on this very forum. As a constant resident and devoted fan, and feeling comfortable among people I thought were my friends.... BAM! Lembach, and Imrahil and many other brutish English people ganged up on me and yes, Lucas, they made me cry....

But Sideswipe told me to "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" and that made me feel better!

Seriously, Lucas it's the internet... who gives a shit? I mean I was sad when these guys ganged up on me and kicked me in the bollocks, because I always thought of this as a safe place on the internet.... where I was with friends... but everywhere else EVERYWHERE else I only expect vitriol and horror. Kids let all of their insanity out on the internet, you can't take it personally...

Really "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke..." is the best advice you can take. And just walk away.

May all the gods above and below bless you and keep you!

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 06:17:04 AM
The best advice I can give, though, is don't respond to hurtful posts. Recently I wrote what I thought was a touching tribute to my best friend of 35 years who died. I wrote it on YouTube commenting on a song he loved very much.

Now 35 people have "liked" my post and that feels ok, but then this guy writes, I quote, "Nobody cares about your hard on for your best friend sorry that you can't give each other a wank sometimes anymore but buck up bud."

Now that is just nasty. And rude. But I just do not respond to it. If I did that would excite him to further rudeness.

Now, I have no emotional investment in those boards unlike this board which I cherish and which Imrahil and Lembach tore away from me with their teeth. So, I guess what I am saying is don't get emotionally invested. I will always love you and speak kindly to you, unlike Imrahil and Lembach who might throw you under a bus. They are brutes....

I am just breaking their balls a little bit because they broke my balls a little bit, fact is I think they are really great, and really smart. And I respect them. And I respect you. So, keep it together, don't feed the trolls. Know who your friends are. And ignore the unwashed masses!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on February 18, 2015, 07:43:13 AM
Nobody's more coherent than you, LucasM.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 08:05:15 AM
How many mils of valium per pill? Cause 7 is a lot... Benzos are great but you become tolerant of them, you have to watch out for that. That means you need more and more to have an effect.... and then it gets crazy.

Be careful, Lucas!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on February 18, 2015, 08:12:28 AM
Lucas, I've never noticed anything incoherent from you here, so it was the other person.
 
The obvious explanation is that the person was a troll, but as you admitted you do tend to over explain, if the person has extremely low attention span they might not have even been reading what you wrote, of course that doesn't explain making stuff up and saying it was what you said, so back to they are either a troll or irrational.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 08:24:57 AM
I over explain, I have that problem. I am working on it... I ramble and that pisses certain people off. I have good reading skills, I think Lucas' writing is clear.

Also, most people check their boards on a phone or tablet, so they skim stuff.  Remember most "Millennials" have no attention span at all. And the internet is crawling with them like rats... I shudder...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 18, 2015, 08:32:37 AM
Lucas,

I hope you respond to all this ASAP because I (and I am sure others) are worried about you because you were agitated and took so many valium. Not that I think you would OD, but I don't want you to go away and stop posting here for awhile because of it.

That being said, you are always coherent when I read your posts. You do write a lot of text though. I don't mind it though, but I can see someone else doing a TL; DR thing. (Too Long; Didn't read. It happens a lot on the MyFitnessPal forums. It's pretty sad that people don't want to read things but want to comment on them). So, there was probably a mixture of TL; DR and the dude being a troll.

I value your contributions to this thread, Lucas, and I am sorry you had a bad time.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 08:48:29 AM
Most doctors nowadays prescribe .5 mils of Vallium per pill. So, what is that 6 and a half mils? In the 70's they used to give 10 mils per pill.

70 mils would be bad, still not OD level but Sasquatch could break into his room and he wouldn't wake up. "Course it depends on his tolerance, as I mentioned before... and his weight.

Lucas there is lot of love in this room for you... you don't need nor will you get any validation from that asshole. Listen, you are smart, sensitive.... a good guy! Also very attractive. You are a very attractive man...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on February 18, 2015, 08:57:51 AM
3.5 milligrams, Randy.   3.5mg would be a safe dosage for any adult, in my opinion.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on February 18, 2015, 09:02:26 AM
See why I flunked out of organic chem? Of course, Miku, yes that is a safe dosage for any adult.... I'm such an idiot.... Oh you wouldn't want me to be your pharmacist.... LOL!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 18, 2015, 02:14:51 PM
[Edit after using 'Preview' just before posting: looks like another potential "TL; DR" post here. ::)]


Thank you very much everyone.  I can't tell you how much all of these comments mean to me.

I would have gotten on here and written sooner, but last night I forgot to set my alarm, so it was only the massage therapist at my door that woke me today and wasn't able to get on here until she was finished.

What you all wrote confirmed the extraordinary caring nature of the people here.  They also confirmed that my decision last night, during the worst reactions to that interchange, to unsubscribe from the thread on that forum and not return [and it was pretty much the only thread on any other forum that I've contributed to more than a simple single question and answer].

Having posted so incredibly little elsewhere on the internet (this forum gets easily 99.9% of what I've written on the internet), despite people here saying so, I think over time I'd been self-deceived into thinking that most forums are as mature and behaved as this one, so wasn't anticipating - or prepared for - such a response.  While people here have commented on it, having not experienced it before, it didn't 'stick'.  I also think with my background (academic as well as medical/hospital-treatment-team-related) I was also unprepared for anything more than a rational exchange of ideas.  Now I know better.

Then, compounding that, is that the head injuries took away my 'filters' that allow me to keep external emotions from 'getting in' and taking over.  I have far more intense and often unexpectedly strong reactions to emotions going on around me (one of the reasons I had to stop doing therapy, but it even makes trips to grocery stores draining, because I pick up and internalize any 'non-bland' emotion going on around me).  I also have intensely strong reactions to emotional scenes in TV and films, or in written interchanges.  Often harsh words to me - even in an e-mail - feel like a physical assault, it is that intense.  So the head injuries resulted in me being hyper-reactive emotionally.  Add the PTSD hyperalertness/hyperreactivity to that and it becomes intensely unpleasant (i.e. if agitated by what I see, the head injury damage lets it activate me more than it would have before, which then triggers the PTSD and it can easily spiral out of control - like it did from the interchange with the person on the other forum).  [From that, one can easily see why 'thrillers', a fair number of action films, and films with sociopaths in them are things I go out of my way to avoid.]

I'm sorry I distressed people here with my comments about the Valium.  There I did leave out something important, as people pointed out: the dose I was referring to.  Because my brain became so much more sensitive to psychoactive medications, my usual dose is 1/3 of a 2mg tablet (so ~0.67 mg), so anything approaching a full tablet psychologically feels like a lot.  I usually only need that 1/3 of a tablet once a day, in the evening (when I am sitting still the longest, watching TV or a film).  When I wrote here last night (this morning), since tamping down the anxiety wasn't what my attention was on, something else didn't occur to me: I also left out that I did not take it all at once, which is a very important bit of information.  I first took 2 mg (a full tablet, but still substantially more than usual).  Then, almost an hour later, when I was continuing to notice significant agitation (hands still shaking slightly and anxiously scratching my dry hands til the skin bled a little) I took another 1 mg.  Then, about 3 hours after that (which was still a bit over an hour before the prior dose would have started to wear off), I took an additional 2 mg because I could still feel it 'under the surface' and knew in another hour I should be in bed, asleep.  So it wasn't all 5 mg at once.  But still, for me, 7 times my usual to get my brain under control and keep it there was an intense realization.  [And no, I don't need extra often.  In fact, it is only because I usually need less than my usual that I had this available to me.]

For context: 5 mg is actually the 'next tablet size up' for Valium, and is commonly prescribed for many people.  It was still only 1/2 what I'd been prescribed to take before a colonoscopy a few years ago.  Also for comparison: a 2mg Valium was prescribed by my vet to give to my (previous) 8 lb cat when she needed to go in for an exam, because she would get so stressed by it...  I, of course, have my own prescription for my PTSD (I'm not taking my previous cat's leftovers).  (I learned in psychopharmacology class that there is an inverse relationship between 'dose per unit of body mass' depending on the size of animal, i.e. generally smaller animals need larger doses (per unit of body mass) of the same chemical for the same effect.)  Also of note is that I am six feet tall and weigh about 184 now, so there's a larger than average body to absorb all of what I take.  (I believe the average male height is 5'8" or so.)  I do have a 'Valium-over' today (not as unpleasant as a hangover, but my thinking is slowed and I feel lethargic)... it certainly beats the rebound effect most people get from the benzodiazepines (and what I sometimes get from small doses), but it always serves me as a reminder to be careful because of how much longer meds affect me and how slowly they clear out of my brain.  That is why there were the delays between taking the three smaller doses of the Valium I took last night: I wanted to be sure I wasn't overdoing it, despite the initial massive stress my body was under with the elevated BP/heartrate, and that my brain was under making it hard to concentrate.


Thank you again, everyone.  I am really touched by the outpouring of support.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 18, 2015, 05:32:48 PM
I read all of that except the last paragraph putting your valium MG into context (because the previous paragraph reassured me that you were taking them quite safely).

I am glad you feel better, Lucas, and yes, this is the most mature forum I have seen. Totally spoiled me!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on February 18, 2015, 06:27:45 PM
Something freaky recently happened. My psychiatrist(who I'd only seen once BTW) had passed away. Today I had another appointment but all I could get was to be seen by a doctor whose normal function is in the ER. Now I gotta wait ANOTHER month before I see another shrink. A good friend of mine recommended that I try and find a therapist through my insurance provider, so hopefully that will yield some results. I certainly hope so, I'm sick of being so hyper vigilant. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 18, 2015, 09:37:03 PM
I hope things work out Soguru.  The psychiatrist dying before seeing you more than once is bizarre, I'm glad you are sticking with it and trying to get someone who knows what they are doing.  And yes, hypervigilance is incredibly taxing, I hope there will be relief in sight for you soon.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 19, 2015, 08:40:22 PM
With my crisis yesterday, some people here said similar things, but it wasn't until my brother responded with a short, direct question that it registered (and that it crossed my mind to explain).  He asked, "why do you care what this person thinks?"  My response to him was:

"The answer to that is: writing is the only contact I have with the outside world.  If I can’t trust that I am writing accurately, then I can’t trust my interactions with the outside world.  You may recall me commenting that because – close to the third head injury – I lost many friends I’d cultivated with many hours of interactions on line because my phrasing was off and so what I actually wrote changed my meaning.  I basically ‘lost’ most of my friendship with [my best friend for almost 30 years] because of one such thing (he and I did not communicate at all for about 3-4 years afterwards, and we rarely communicate any longer), and I damn near lost my friendship with [another friend of almost the same length of time] because of one such mis-statement [luckily, even though she was seriously pissed, she was understanding enough to ask about what I said, so I was able to correct it].  That was pretty much all the true, very close friends I had, and I was killing the friendships off one by one! [That was the motivation to focus intensely on, and fine-tune what I wrote, and 'scrub' it smooth in editing (also resulting in it often being significantly longer than intended, as I recognized and explained potential ambiguities to avoid future conflicts).]
 
"So this reawakened that concern after killing so many friendships.  It had nothing at all to do with what that person I didn't know thought of me or what I said.  He was insignificant.  It was doubting my own ability to communicate, particularly when well past my limits or in distress – which is when I need to communicate the clearest."

I thought maybe a few people who commented here might be interested in that explanation, if you'd wondered 'why was this such a stressful event for LucasM?'.

If no-one cares for that reason, it may help in understanding why my posts are sometimes[? ::)] so lengthy and detailed here.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on February 20, 2015, 01:53:31 AM
Lucas,
        Don't worry about it.  :D  You are not a rude person.  You have a good sense of humor.  You're respectful, and you are willing to concede the possibility you make mistakes.  You don't blame others.  In fact, you are very supportive of others.

        I don't know when you lost your friends, but I suspect you aren't as easily misunderstood as you used to be.  I say that because your posts are always easily understood. 

      You crossed paths with a troll.  I'm sure that's all that happened.  Nothing you said would have stopped that person from trying to make you emotional.  That is the prime desire of a troll.

     If ever you doubt the accuracy of what you said, just go back and look at your post.  Trust your own eyes over the reaction of an anonymous person on the internet. Seriously.

  You may have lost some friends. That isn't necessarily because you were difficult to understand.  My speculation is, your friends couldn't deal  with your "handicap."
Being friends with someone who suffered a serious, life-altering injury is difficult! 

It's difficult because friends and family don't get instruction manuals, detailing how to cope with someone who has suffered a severe injury.  They have to "wing it." And they need strength and long patience.   If they don't have the strength and patience, that's no one's fault.  It's a sad consequence of life-altering injuries. Forgive them, and forgive yourself. Because no one is at fault in such as situation.

I know what I'm talking about, Lucas. I know because I have been there.

Try this: if someone gets rude with you, ask yourself one vital, relevant question: "What's up HIS ass?"   

I promise you, you are very intelligible. Let go of the stress, emotional pain and worry. Know for a fact, you are a well-respected and much liked person here on the Rifftrax forum.

If you're respected here, you're probably respected virtually everywhere.
      US :highfive: YOU


Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 20, 2015, 03:15:56 AM
Thank you VERY much, Miku Fan.  That means a lot to me, and is exceptional advice for any future time I may question myself.  In fact, I'm printing out parts of your post and will have it just noticeable behind my monitor until I can truly start to trust that I am writing as clearly as I think I am.  And now that I've thought to print parts, I'll add some comments from the other posts from earlier, as well.

Just a little bit earlier tonight [well, "this morning" - to me it's never tomorrow 'til I wake up], I think I realized another aspect that likely was at play: it is just over one month past the 20 year anniversary of the first head injury - the first time I changed into a different person, one who couldn't trust their brain to behave with the automatic precision they were used to.  I think I'm still feeling the reverberations of that anniversary reaction, and then the troll's post just reactivated a part of my loss that I apparently haven't fully emotionally dealt with yet.

   ME :highfive: YOU ALL    :)

Thank you again.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on February 20, 2015, 01:57:23 PM
This isn't a "Help"thing. This is more of a "see how much therapy has helped me with "psychological distresses" thing.

So yesterday and today have been pretty hard. The kind of days that use to win against me, but not this time!

So, my job prospects have been non-existent since I moved to Florida, so I decided to go back to Grad School for social work. Out of the blue, I get a job opportunity, and I decide to take it. Everything is going great but then, yesterday, I get an email that says the don't want to interview with me. This made me sooooooooo depressed, and I spent the morning and afternoon in bed. Then, around 5, I get up, start cleaning the kitchen and I tell myself that I will fight back from the depression and go back to the social work plan.

The depression comes in waves, so I have to fight against the depression a lot. I would get up, clean, say "It will be okay!," then get depressed again, tell myself I will be okay, get depressed, tell myself it will be ok, lather, rinse, repeat.

While I was feeling positive, I emailed the job recruiter and asked him for feedback. I went to bed, ready to start over with the next day. (In full disclosure, I didn't go to the gym and I ate bad, but I didn't stay in bed all day, so SUCCESS!)

Then today, I got an email regarding the application. I don't want to get into it, but I felt I had been misrepresented and so I defended myself with the recruiter. I didn't want anything except to defend myself because I have confidence in my abilities. Instead of beating myself up, I stood up for myself because I am pretty awesome darn it!

Then, to add insult to injury, I got pulled over and I got a ticket. In past experiences, I would CRY and CRY for ages over things like this! I would use this as an excuse to drink, to eat bad, to just be a depressed lump! Instead, I told myself it was ok. Then I got depressed and said I was stupid and this was the worst day ever. Then I told myself it was ok. Then I said it was the worst day ever...lather, rinse, repeat.

So, the point is a bunch of annoying things happened today, and I reacted in health ways. I am still upset about things, but I don't feel stupid (most of the time), and I don't think I had the worst day ever (most of the time). When I do feel bad, I just fight back against those feelings.

So, for today, I win! Take that bitches! *microphone drop*
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on February 20, 2015, 02:26:46 PM
Congratulations, anais!  I know how difficult it has been to get to that point, but you now have yet another thing to tell yourself when you are telling yourself "I am pretty awesome darn it!", and that is that you have developed coping strategies that allow you to weather events that would have overwhelmed your resources before.  That is a very big accomplishment!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 01, 2015, 05:51:35 PM
Anyone who needs perspective on a "Bad Day" needs to watch a "Holocaust" movie, I recommend, "Conspiracy" by HBO films, but any other will do. I submit, that no one on this board and very few on the internet that have attempted suicide or cutting, whinged in therapy, etc, can say that the entire world turned against me, denied me food and water... gassed me to death and then burned my body to leave no trace that I existed.

How many Mozarts', Hemmingway's, Joyces', Hawkings, Turings' were destroyed and would we be living among the stars now if we hadn't destroyed so many Jews a few years ago?

Thankfully, Einstein survived, but how many other great mathematicians were obliterated. And, how many are obliterated every day with genocides in Somalia or the Congo? Mexico, South America?

Or, Detroit? Or, Baltimore? Or, Ferguson?

The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 01, 2015, 06:57:24 PM
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)

Nothing you wrote, especially the quote above is helpful at all, quite the opposite.

Seeing others suffer, especially when the movie is about true events, doesn't make one feel better when suffering the pain of depression, it makes it worse.  Depression has absolutely nothing to do with one needing "perspective".  Telling people in pain that they shouldn't feel that way because others had and have it worse only adds a little extra pain and guilt, so again, not helpful at all.

Suffering only makes you stronger and a little wiser if you survive it, the saying itself doesn't help at all when in the middle of it.


Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 01, 2015, 07:26:02 PM
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)

Nothing you wrote, especially the quote above is helpful at all, quite the opposite.

Seeing others suffer, especially when the movie is about true events, doesn't make one feel better when suffering the pain of depression, it makes it worse.  Depression has absolutely nothing to do with one needing "perspective".  Telling people in pain that they shouldn't feel that way because others had and have it worse only adds a little extra pain and guilt, so again, not helpful at all.

Suffering only makes you stronger and a little wiser if you survive it, the saying itself doesn't help at all when in the middle of it.

Agree 100%.

Comparing one person's suffering to another's is one of the most damaging things that can be done, particularly when someone is having any kind of psychological difficulties.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 01, 2015, 07:30:32 PM
Interesting.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 01, 2015, 10:17:17 PM
What would be helpful, Marty? I respect you and admire you, a great deal, but I must disagree with you. There is always someone better off than you, and there is always someone worse off than you, that is my point.

Do you disagree with this assessment? My whole point is comparing yourself with anyone else in the world is madness, however, pull back from the Earth and look at deep time. Archaeological, geological time. Our problems mean nothing.

This gives me great comfort, that my life means nothing... does it not give others comfort? It that what you are saying? We all "mean" something?

That is simply not true.

If Oprah believes it, you can pretty much, without much hesitation, bet the other way....
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 01, 2015, 10:46:20 PM
Now you are all over the place, from comparing the "level" of the problems people have, to existential meaning of life, to saying life means nothing.

The comparing part is not helpful for people dealing with depression (you mentioned suicide and cutting in your earlier post), I already said why.

The existential part is a personal thing, I also don't believe there is an overall "meaning" to life, but each person has their own meaning, and each person has to figure that out for themselves.

If you actually find comfort in thinking your life has no meaning (and I don't believe you are being truthful there), fine, but it's a harmful idea to tell to people in depression or worse suicidal.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 01, 2015, 11:07:27 PM
Yes. I suppose you are right about that. What I find comforting, would send most people screaming....

Although I am quite mad... I have no children, so I can afford this luxury.

Although as an astronomer, I would think that you would understand, "Deep Time"... But, I assure you, I believe in no afterlife. Death means nothing to me. A blank... eternal night. Endless sleep, I can't wait for it. To me, it seems very... restful...

The whole world is a tomb, a graveyard, hundreds of thousands (millions) of people will never be remembered and those that are--are remembered badly. Who said, "We are all stuff to fill graves..."?

Yeah, I should never be a suicide hotline guy...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 01, 2015, 11:58:53 PM
Yeah, I should never be a suicide hotline guy...

I'll agree with that for sure.  You obviously don't understand the lying voice that comes in with depression, magnifying everything negative to painful levels.

I don't see any connection between not believing in an afterlife and not finding any meaning to ones own existence.  There's nothing you look forward to doing more of while you are still alive?   As I said I don't think there is any grand meaning to life in general, but an individual person makes their own meaning, it's a matter of finding it no matter how small it might seem compared to anything else.  We may all be specks of dust in the cosmos, but we are each unique specks.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 04:33:46 AM
Marty, I must have written and re-written a dozen responses to your message and just let them "drift..." ("Miller's Crossing"). I respect you a great deal and will not let my creepy madness infect you.

I am what, the ancient Pagan Priests' would call, an asshole. There is a Gaelic word for it. I think it translates most simply as, "Sore Irish Asshole".

I wish only good for all of you... and I pray to all of the Gods Above and Below for your happiness, even as I do not believe in happiness. I wish it for you!

Rev. Randy, (Sore Irish Asshole)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 02, 2015, 05:32:30 AM
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 05:40:30 AM
You are right, QV, how about we talk about how awesome you are! (I am not kidding), you are brave and your screen name and Icon is awesome!

My Nihilist tendencies were seeping out there and I am embarrassed.

I have always loved your posts and I think you are great! And, you are very attractive!

I will be praying for you and talking to the gods about you come this Spring Equinox...

Much LOVE!

RANDY! (The Sore Irish Asshole)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 02, 2015, 05:43:30 AM
I am what, the ancient Pagan Priests' would call, an asshole.

lol  :clap:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 02, 2015, 05:45:54 AM
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.

I hope you feel better, QV.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 02, 2015, 08:46:09 AM
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.

Power through it girl.  Someday you'll look back at this time and thank yourself for getting through it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 02, 2015, 08:55:54 AM
I'm having a lot of struggling lately with trying to keep my depression and stress managed, and feel like I'm failing miserably. Can we please not talk about existential stuff here? Marty is entirely right, it's not helpful or comforting.

Power through it girl.  Someday you'll look back at this time and thank yourself for getting through it.

I'm gonna do some baby steps this week to try and get myself in a better mood. Actually getting dressed 3 times this week, not just on Tuesday when I leave the apartment for therapy, and working out twice. It's not really much, but it's an improvement.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 09:00:57 AM
For many people, what you are describing, is like a moon-launch! You are very brave! Take Marty's advice, thank yourself for getting through each day. I never tried it, but it sounds like a really good idea, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 02, 2015, 10:54:32 AM
My anxiety levels got so bad yesterday that I had to check myself into the hospital. I can't begin to describe what it's like for your mind to perpetually make you feel like you have to suffer for every single little thing, every little mistake, every little misstep in your life.

Anyway, their beds were full at the one hospital and also at UNM hospital, so they discharged me and sent me home with instructions to make an appointment with a facility specializing in neurology.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 02, 2015, 11:00:33 AM
Fif they give you anything to help, while you wait?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 02, 2015, 11:05:34 AM
Fif they give you anything to help, while you wait?
I was hoping they would prescribe something but mostly all I got to do was talk to a therapist for a while. To be fair, she did help me out a bit with some interesting insights.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 11:22:17 AM
You know, Soguru, I do know what that feels like. I find I analyse every motion and every thing I ever wrote or said to anyone and I think it is horrible and I think I am a terrible person.

My friend Dan, who is dead now, taught me an important lesson. We were drinking at a bar and watching a Phillies game and he said, "You know when we were kids and your mom picked me up at my house and my dad was passed out on the couch? I was so scarred for life that you had to see that..."

And I said, quite puzzled, "Dan, I have no memory of that. I was just so excited that you were going to spend the summer with me, I didn't look at anything, I really do not remember this..."

And I realized he was scarred for life, for 20 odd years, about a thing I didn't even remember. Most of the wrongs we think we have done against others, they don't even remember, So why should we?

I have an enormous catalogue of my crimes against humanity but I realized that is narcissism, I do not have a very great impact on other people's lives. They have their own shit to deal with. I am inconsequential.

I try to be a good person and help people but, I must admit to myself, "who the fuck am I to tell anyone else about their lives?"

Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and no one is obsessing about your silly activities. If they are that is their problem. You don't need a hospital bed just grow a pair of BALLS!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 11:25:02 AM
That was flip and condescending, I am sorry... I just.. well you know... I am an asshole.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 02, 2015, 11:26:32 AM
There's the modify button, you can remove stuff yourself.  I was thinking it wasn't too harmful until the last line.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 02, 2015, 11:31:04 AM
Fif they give you anything to help, while you wait?
I was hoping they would prescribe something but mostly all I got to do was talk to a therapist for a while. To be fair, she did help me out a bit with some interesting insights.

Are you able to call that therapist and talk again if things get bad before you can get an appointment somewhere?  Or someone else?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 11:42:45 AM
Marty, I DID apologize. I just have too much of my mother in me. I would say, "I am hungry!" and she would answer, "You don't know what hunger is!" and then she would fall down the steps like a drunken drag queen.

In my psych rotation in pre-med, I crashed out of that course, too, WHY? I couldn't handle the whinging, (whining), And I would say something like grow a pair of balls... and then I would fail the class.

I am an asshole... it's a clinical problem. I'm on meds for it....
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 02, 2015, 01:03:00 PM
I can understand that pretty well actually Soguru. I've got a lot of anxiety that causes a ton of problems for me. Even when I know that there was nothing more I could do in a situation, I'll just think, But I should have been able to do something. I do mental gymnastics all the time to explain how things are my fault. It's awful. Consciously I know that it's not. I've actually considered checking into a psych ward for a while... but then I think of how it was when I was hospitalized before, and can't take the thought.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 01:19:45 PM
You guys are focusing on yourselves too much. Seriously. Reach out to a loved one or even a stranger. I volunteer at a hospital and read to the blind. These things get me out of my head. I met a woman who survived the Blitz of London! As a little girl she and her family hid in the "tubes" and her description of the city afterward was... apocalyptic. I can't imagine.

I held her hand as she died... (her son was a worthless guy...) but I will not speak ill of him, as she thought highly of him.

Anyways, go and do these things... bring a smile to an old woman's face. Believe me, one woman wanted me to read "50 shades of Grey" to her... I was like "What about 'The Wind in the Willows'?" Or any of the Mark Twain oeuvre?"

No, she wanted "50 shades of Grey" I was beet red the entire time. But we both agreed, it was fairly tame. I love that ol' gal! She is a pisser!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pak-Man on March 02, 2015, 02:04:22 PM
As someone who has never found himself in the icy grips of depression (But had to interact with those who have), I found this once upon a time and it was the best explanation I've found of what someone going through depression is going through (Especially the goldfish analogy), and why "Aw, just cheer up!" is a horrible thing to say. Anyone involved in these discussions should take a few minutes and read it, no matter on which side of depression you find yourself:

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 02:22:03 PM
I don't say "Aw cheer up" I know that it can be debilitating. But one thing I learned in pre-med psych that depression is rage turned inward. Most of us are feeling rage towards ourselves, I see that in Soguru, but not in QV she is angry at her mother.

But she has no outlet for that rage. She fears her mother and is enraged at her rejection. Or her passive aggressive acceptance which can be even more infuriating. QV also loves her mother and feels guilt at her anger at her.

All of these things can be helped with regular exercise and reaching out. You would be surprised at the people you will meet the things you will learn!

It's never going to be perfect, no one is ever perfect. No situation is ever perfect. You cannot wait for it to be. Get out there and mingle.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 02:41:10 PM
Join a food drive. Feed homeless people. I could never do that, those people stink pretty bad. I did the hospital thing. But, maybe that is something you could do?

I don't like kids but every hospital I ever volunteered with has a long list of children's charities that take volunteers. I have spoken with a lot of these people who take on the "Cancer Kids" and they find it very rewarding.

For me, I don't mind ushering older people into the void, but kids... too soon...

Anyways, hospitals are desperate for volunteers. Church groups... Outreach Programs... Food banks... go and do likewise.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 03:07:04 PM
If you don't want to interact with people, I can understand that, I spent one afternoon sorting cans in a food bank that was fun. And Food banks always need stockers, sorters, etc. no interaction with people is necessary. I met an African American man who was cracking me up... He was soooo funny... I was trying to sort Dinty Moore cans he was making all kinds of fun of me...

What was his name... Jean-Luc!!!! Kidding, that is an MST3K reference.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 02, 2015, 06:55:12 PM
Thank you all. The last 24 hours have been hard, but at least I've been getting a little better since my breakdown. It's hard though, between the anxiety, depression and the paranoia that contributes to both of those things it makes life unbearable sometimes. However, I'm glad I have social support from good friends like you all.  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 02, 2015, 07:01:58 PM
Soguru,
     Some of us have actually walked the path you now walk. Some of us know how you feel, because we've experienced it. I can't give advice that's going to instantly cure you, but I can support you on this thread  :highfive:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 07:09:30 PM
Soguru, I am so sorry. It sounds like you are bi-polar with the full ride, delusional, and paranoid? Are they giving you Lithium with an SSRI chaser?

I am a dickhead, clearly, but I hope you would forgive my flip remarks...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 02, 2015, 08:04:02 PM
My anxiety levels got so bad yesterday that I had to check myself into the hospital. I can't begin to describe what it's like for your mind to perpetually make you feel like you have to suffer for every single little thing, every little mistake, every little misstep in your life.

Anyway, their beds were full at the one hospital and also at UNM hospital, so they discharged me and sent me home with instructions to make an appointment with a facility specializing in neurology.

I am sorry things got so bad for you Soguru.  I understand how intensely difficult things must be if one considers having themself admitted.  I hope you get some help that works for you soon, and I am glad (from your later posting) that things have at least eased up a bit.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 02, 2015, 08:16:24 PM
I agree with what MartyS wrote in response to earlier posts and questions.  I felt I would just add a few things from what I learned and from my experiences as a therapist.

I have responded to these in the order they were posted.  For various reasons I thought about reversing the order.  That was mostly because the first two may feel like an attack, when that was not what was intended, I merely wanted to explain why things were not appropriate.  But I ultimately left the order I responded to them the same as they were originally posted because I wanted what I wrote last to 'stick' more.

Anyone who needs perspective on a "Bad Day" needs to watch a "Holocaust" movie, I recommend, "Conspiracy" by HBO films, but any other will do. I submit, that no one on this board and very few on the internet that have attempted suicide or cutting, whinged in therapy, etc, can say that the entire world turned against me, denied me food and water... gassed me to death and then burned my body to leave no trace that I existed.
...
The point is, anyone who is well fed, warm, and kept out of the rain, should never complain about anything. Also, suffering builds character. That which does not kill you makes you "Stranger" (Heath Ledger's, Joker)

This is an insensitive and incredibly dehumanizing statement: "shut up about your difficulties, you aren't being obliterated".

In particular, what I turned red is a line of bullshit which parents who wish to inflict pain on their children use in order to justify it to themselves and their child (and religions who wish to subjugate their attendees use for control).  Suffering at best leads to learned helplessness over time, and, when prolonged, leads to an inability to find anything worthwhile to live for.  That can be because - in order to cut off the intensity of the negative feelings, all feelings have to be shut down, because it is impossible to be selective about shutting down just the 'good' or 'bad' ones.


You are right, QV, how about we talk about how awesome you are! (I am not kidding), you are brave and your screen name and Icon is awesome!

My Nihilist tendencies were seeping out there and I am embarrassed.

I have always loved your posts and I think you are great! And, you are very attractive!

I will be praying for you and talking to the gods about you come this Spring Equinox...

Much LOVE!

RANDY! (The Sore Irish Asshole)

When trying to be supportive of someone, what I turned red in your post is almost never appropriate ('never at all' unless you know the person personally and know precisely what they are going through).  This is for a multitude of reasons, the main ones being:

1. If you have never seen the other person, then this comment - in their mind - invalidates everything you say, because, clearly, if you are tossing this out without knowing it is true, then anything else you say must be equally based in platitude.  That most likely will leave the person feeling even more alone and more misunderstood.

2. The estimates when I was practicing were that approximately one in four children (both male and female) were treated sexually inappropriately to a degree it significantly affected their thinking.  This would not necessarily be by being physically touched inappropriately, but that they were exposed to distorted adult views of sexuality at a time when they were neither emotionally or sexually ready to process them and put them in any kind of perspective.  Many of these experiences result in later depression and suicidal ideation.  So with someone who has issues of depression, the comment "you are attractive" will most often give a creepy, sexualized component to what is being said 'supportively', and the person throws up protective barriers, and feels that anything else said by that person was done in order to manipulate them into inappropriately sexualized action or thought.  So whatever was said is not only negated, but reversed when the person in distress hears it.


Marty, I DID apologize. I just have too much of my mother in me. I would say, "I am hungry!" and she would answer, "You don't know what hunger is!" and then she would fall down the steps like a drunken drag queen.

In my psych rotation in pre-med, I crashed out of that course, too, WHY? I couldn't handle the whinging, (whining), And I would say something like grow a pair of balls... and then I would fail the class.

I am an asshole... it's a clinical problem. I'm on meds for it....

What you wrote (that I turned blue) explains a great deal.  If you grew up with a parent with no capacity to show empathy or compassion, you could not learn how it was done.  Your mother's emotional abuse (likely coupled with neglect, given just what you wrote here [guaranteed neglect if she drank as seems to be implied]) would also leave you unable to soothe your own pain, so hearing about others' pain would trigger an inappropriate response.  It would also leave you with a desire to drink to the point of being drunk as an adult (something you've referred to MANY times on the Forum here), because it is the only way you learned you could temporarily shut off the pain.

You are not an "asshole".  You are someone who was not shown compassion as a child, so could not learn it.  [To continue to behave as you have, when you know better, that would clearly be insensitive.  Only if you did not care that you were being insensitive would the term 'asshole' potentially apply, and your already-reported remorse over various comments suggests that you do care.]

Contrary to what you write elsewhere here, if you find it necessary to use chemicals to numb your brain (alcohol or whatever), then you are not 'satisfied with your life or experience'.  People who are OK with how their life is (internal, moreso than external) simply do not want to shut off their brain with psychoactive chemicals.


I am very sorry that you grew up with someone so incapable of being a parent that it left you with this much pain - pain you feel you have to subdue with alcohol.  This pain which comes out as inappropriate 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps'/'people have it worse, you know' comments towards others who are in pain.  The same pain that you experienced that you never received appropriate comforting and care for while you were young and needed it most, which prevented your way of thinking from including compassion for others and the emotional resources that would give you appropriate ways of expressing it.

I hope that you can find some way to start to comfort yourself that does not involve simply blotting out the pain that you are feeling.  When you are able to adequately comfort yourself without chemically shutting down your brain (with alcohol or other psychoactive drugs that numb you out), then you will be better able to understand and help others when they are in pain.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 02, 2015, 08:36:52 PM
Very good and coherent post, Lucas. Thank you for pointing out what you did, as far as the second post, because you're right. It was extremely I'll placed and made me feel extremely awkward and confused. It wasn't appropriate or appreciated. I'd add to it, but I think that what I was going to add is covered by your second point, mostly. I have a lot of body image issues, not only with weight and shape(both of which have improved a fair amount lately), but just in general feeling like I appear feminine enough. Bas(my boyfriend) is constantly telling me that I'm perfect and gorgeous, and even from him it ends up sounding really fake and disingenuous, even though I know he doesn't mean it like that. Coming from people online who've never seen me... that's just a no.

I know that Randy didn't me to upset me with that statement, but it kind of stuck with me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 02, 2015, 09:17:20 PM
QV I am sorry, I guess I am trying too hard. Forgive me if I made you uncomfortable or upset you in any way.

And LucasM, I am surrounded by mob guys, are you a fucking idiot? Never talk about my mother or my family again. Unless I say that you can.

Boiler Plate disclaimer: The preceding statement was an internet fantasy, I am not now, or have I ever been associated with organized crime.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 02, 2015, 10:01:14 PM
QV I am sorry, I guess I am trying too hard. Forgive me if I made you uncomfortable or upset you in any way.

And LucasM, I am surrounded by mob guys, are you a fucking idiot? Never talk about my mother or my family again. Unless I say that you can.

Boiler Plate disclaimer: The preceding statement was an internet fantasy, I am not now, or have I ever been associated with organized crime.

This thread is called "Acute Psychological Distress: Help".  The first post in this thread, as in all threads, lays the groundwork for what is appropriate in the thread.  The first post says, "This is a place where those of us who need help can ask for it safely, and those of us who can offer it, can give it with kindness."

Threats are never appropriate (here, or anywhere else), even if afterwards you think you 'excuse' them by calling them fantasy.

If you don't wish to have your issues discussed in a thread on psychological distress, then don't throw out comments like "my mother ... would answer, 'You don't know what hunger is!' and then she would fall down the steps like a drunken drag queen".

And, when in the context of people being in pain and having life difficulty, if you don't want what is obviously abusive behavior you experienced examined, then POLITELY request that it not be.  YOU brought it up.  I merely observed it and commented on it.

It is through comments like "are you a fucking idiot?" and (semi-)veiled threats that people do not wish to associate with you.  That is of your doing.

And that is, apparently, the way you avoid thinking about the pain that you have been in your entire life from being dismissed as a child.  You get angry and threaten.

It is inappropriate, and - especially in this thread - completely unacceptable.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 02, 2015, 10:05:49 PM
Yes, as Lucas said, that is wildly inappropriate for this thread.

Please think before you post, Randy.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 02, 2015, 10:46:27 PM
RandyMistie, I felt I needed to respond to what you wrote on a more personal level, but I needed my heartrate and blood pressure to reduce before I could.

This is something I've shared just in the last couple weeks in this thread:

...the head injuries took away my 'filters' that allow me to keep external emotions from 'getting in' and taking over.  I have far more intense and often unexpectedly strong reactions to emotions going on around me....  I also have intensely strong reactions to emotional scenes in TV and films, or in written interchanges.  Often harsh words to me - even in an e-mail - feel like a physical assault, it is that intense.

THAT is the person that your insult and not-so-veiled threat 'landed' on.  It first overactivated me from the head injury damage, then it triggered my PTSD and I have had to calm myself from that (still not complete, but in the last 45 minutes it has abated enough where I could write this).

I am a person.  I am not a picture of a cat on the internet, by which words appear as if by magic.

Words hurt, as you well know.  I am sorry if making an observation about your condition based on the things you have written here on the Forum caused you to hurt.  But there is, generally, a difference between my making a genuine attempt at helping someone understand the source of their own pain as a means to help them overcome it, and someone deliberately attempting to cause psychological pain to others.  I see a reflection of what you grew up with again, and I am sorry you experienced that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 03, 2015, 07:20:30 AM
I hope everyone is doing better today.   

One thing I noticed during the peak of my anxiety attacks and depression was, "These attacks always end."  In other words, in  my experience, no matter how intensely depressed or anxious I felt, the peak (the worst) is always temporary.  So, if I could do something...anything...to ride out a particular episode, my depression or/or anxiety would return to its base level. 

Granted, at the time (the late 80's and early 90's) , my baseline was still intensely psychologically painful.  So, getting back to my baseline didn't mean I felt good.  It meant, I didn't feel quite as bad.

So, Soguru and QV, and anyone reading, please hang in there.  It may not seem likely right now, but chances are, you can and WILL get better...Much better.  it will probably take time, maybe a long time, but its worth it!

Lucas,  I know you are more than  a picture of a cat on the internet.  But, do you mind if I (generally) visualize you that way?  Because your avatar is so damn cute. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 03, 2015, 07:27:41 AM
By the way...
     Randy, when you made your post, you were apparently feeling really bad. The documentary got to you, and that's why you posted on this thread. How are YOU doing?   I hope you feel better, too, my cyber friend!

   When you express pain, you do it with humor.  So, I tend to respond with "LOL" instead of "Are you OK?"  That's my mistake. :'(

   
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 03, 2015, 02:27:11 PM
So, this might not be a HELP situation, but I am curious about something:

I have a really hard time sticking to a diet and exercise routine. I did really good for the month of January, then during the month of Feb I would rock for three days, then say fuck it for three days, then repeat the process.

I have talked to my therapist about this, and she wants me to examine why I am afraid of success. Why do I want to fail.

I have no idea. I don't know what to think. Yes, there is a part of me that is so used to being overweight I feel safe this way, but then I read the My Fitness Pal forums and I read a lot of hatred for fat people, and I think to myself, why would I want to stay this way? I am very confused, and, unlike other aspects of my life (not drinking, etc) I have no fucking idea where to start.

So...why would a person want to "fail"? Why wouldn't a person want to be the best person they can be all the time? I also have days where I literally do not get out of bed except to walk the dog. I feel happy overall, so I wouldn't say that I am more depressed than normal, but I am stuck when it comes to trying to lose this damn weight and complete my blog and reading/research goals.

So, yes. Help please.

Also, I have GOT to stop reading the My Fitness Pal forums. It makes me feel horribly invalidated. :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 03, 2015, 02:43:28 PM
So, this might not be a HELP situation, but I am curious about something:

I have a really hard time sticking to a diet and exercise routine. I did really good for the month of January, then during the month of Feb I would rock for three days, then say fuck it for three days, then repeat the process.

I have talked to my therapist about this, and she wants me to examine why I am afraid of success. Why do I want to fail.

I have no idea. I don't know what to think. Yes, there is a part of me that is so used to being overweight I feel safe this way, but then I read the My Fitness Pal forums and I read a lot of hatred for fat people, and I think to myself, why would I want to stay this way? I am very confused, and, unlike other aspects of my life (not drinking, etc) I have no fucking idea where to start.

So...why would a person want to "fail"? Why wouldn't a person want to be the best person they can be all the time? I also have days where I literally do not get out of bed except to walk the dog. I feel happy overall, so I wouldn't say that I am more depressed than normal, but I am stuck when it comes to trying to lose this damn weight and complete my blog and reading/research goals.

So, yes. Help please.

Also, I have GOT to stop reading the My Fitness Pal forums. It makes me feel horribly invalidated. :(

I don't think you subconsciously want to fail.  I doubt you are afraid of success.  Not saying your therapist is wrong.  But,  things look different from different angles.  In my case, from MY ange, I was filled with rage when I went on a diet and exercise program.  I HATED having to go to the gym. It just pissed me off! It bored me, it sucked, it everything but inspired me.  I think I resented "having to lose weight, having to exercise."

So, I forced myself to go. I'd curse, hate everyone in the gym, etc.  Eventually, I got used to it.  The anger went away, the other people in the gym stopped sucking (lol- it was me, not them, of course) and eventually, I started liking it.

Once I started liking it, I would go to the gym even at times I wasn't scheduled to go. And the others in the gym started saying hi to me, and supporting me.  And I supported them.

You may be exercising alone.  That's fine. Same thing still applies, if you are like me.  FORCE yourself to go.  It WILL get better, and you'll start liking it, and LOVING the results!

So, if you can force yourself to go, you'll eventually get used to it, and stop dreading it, and stop failing.  At least, that's what happened to me.

As far as diet: I looked at my diet (my meals) as medicine. I didn't look at it as having to starve myself to lose weight. I took my medicine daily (ate a proper diet).  I got used to that fairly quickly.
Between the diet and the exercise, I lost 30 pounds in 90 days.

Just FORCE yourself, no matter how boring, lame and/or uninteresting it seems.  You'll become accustomed to it, and it will eventually start appealing to you.

Again, just looking at it from a different angle- you may not want to fail, or hate to succeed.  You may just resent HAVING to do this, because, back in the old days, you didn't need to exercise or diet.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 03, 2015, 03:07:18 PM
Oh no, there is no "back in the old days." I have been fat my entire life. I was trained to be fat by my stupid-ass parents.

Also, I love the gym. Going to the gym is not really the problem. It's the eating. It's ok to take days off at the gym, but on those days I just eat too much. Grrrr. Also, I eat way too much at night after I go to the gym.

Anyway, there is some additional info on me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 03, 2015, 03:12:08 PM
So, this might not be a HELP situation, but I am curious about something:

I have a really hard time sticking to a diet and exercise routine. I did really good for the month of January, then during the month of Feb I would rock for three days, then say fuck it for three days, then repeat the process.

I have talked to my therapist about this, and she wants me to examine why I am afraid of success. Why do I want to fail.

I have no idea. I don't know what to think. Yes, there is a part of me that is so used to being overweight I feel safe this way, but then I read the My Fitness Pal forums and I read a lot of hatred for fat people, and I think to myself, why would I want to stay this way? I am very confused, and, unlike other aspects of my life (not drinking, etc) I have no fucking idea where to start.

So...why would a person want to "fail"? Why wouldn't a person want to be the best person they can be all the time? I also have days where I literally do not get out of bed except to walk the dog. I feel happy overall, so I wouldn't say that I am more depressed than normal, but I am stuck when it comes to trying to lose this damn weight and complete my blog and reading/research goals.

So, yes. Help please.

Also, I have GOT to stop reading the My Fitness Pal forums. It makes me feel horribly invalidated. :(

[[EDIT: sorry, just lost power.  Before my backup battery dies, I'll post what I have here.]]

No-one really 'wants to fail'.  But being used to things as they have been is comfortable, and many (most?) people feel safer being 'comfortable' than changing.  Changing takes time and effort and is not easy.


By all means quit anything that gives nothing but negative feedback.  Particularly if they are still of the ignorant mindset that "fat people are lazy and should eat less and exercise more".  That has been proved to be wrong.  People who are overweight first off are likely to be eating a typical American diet (all non-organic pre-packaged food is loaded with added sugars, particularly fructose, so that the food becomes addicting and very difficult to keep from eating too much).  Until most sugars (except those in fruit) are out of the diet (this includes virtually all grains, especially corn), then people are 'sugar-burners' not 'fat-burners', and they won't lose weight.

In addition, overweight people are often exercising more than the 'thin' people - often to the point where they are raising their cortisol levels, which results in their body storing still more fat and holding onto what fat they have even tighter.  [The apparent 'new ideal' for exercise is about four times a week burst training for 5-10 minutes.  That is IT.  Running, jogging, anything-ing for over 20 minutes actually makes losing weight harder.]


Avoiding a negative is never as motivating (or able to be sustained as well) as trying to achieve a positive.  All it does is train us to talk negatively to ourselves, which results in a "why bother?" type of thinking.

Instead of "I don't want to be overweight because I am on the receiving end of such hate" find something that you WANT that would result in your feeling the way you WANT to feel.  [e.g. "I want to feel comfortable, so I will eat healthier food" or "I want to be healthier and think clearer, so I will eat healthy foods that nourish my body and brain".]


Another key is to start small.  Don't try to do everything at once.  Trying to change too many habits too quickly is bound to fail for 99% of people.  That is why so few people maintain their New Years Resolutions even into February.

A good starting point?  Maybe, as one nutritionist I've read has said (paraphrasing): 'adding one additional serving of vegetables per day is the simplest, but most powerful change someone can do to improve their health'.  If you wish to add one day of a full set of burst training, then gradually increase that (or start daily doing ONE burst training exercise: total time about a minute), you could do that too.  But choose one SMALL thing that you think you could do regularly.  Once you can do that regularly, add just a little bit more to it.  And so forth.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pak-Man on March 03, 2015, 03:18:22 PM
The whole fear of success thing usually boils down to the fact that success means significant and long-term changes to routine, and our brains hate that. I've read that it takes 3 months of constant success to pick up a good habit, and only one day to derail it.

I'm saying this for my own sake too, because in the 3 years since my son was conceived (not born) I've picked up more weight than he has, so it's time for me to fight this battle too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 03, 2015, 03:24:51 PM
So Lucas, would "I want to lose weight so that I can be hot and all the men can want me and I can shove it in their face" be a good enough motivator.

I am totally not kidding, that is one of the reasons I want to do it. I think the fact that I am 33 and not married is a huge motivator. But I have also been told I am not pretty my entire life (quite literally) so I have a lot of shit happening in this brain.

Ok, let's try something else. I want to eat healthy because...wow, I think I only want to do it because society tells me to.

I might need to find something I like about eating healthier and then do this exercise....

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 03, 2015, 03:36:20 PM
Butterfly: Apparently, my situation isn't the same as yours.  Hopefully, my experience will help someone else.  Therefore, listen to Lucas. Lucas gives good advice! 

As for being fat, and told you are ugly...forgive me, but fuck those people!  I know a number of people that are "fat," and everyone of them got married.  Being "fat" doesn't stop you from being married.  You have to find the right person, whoever that is.  I hope you find the right person for you.  :highfive:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 03, 2015, 05:24:03 PM
My Doctor got me on some new meds. One is already seeming to help already. After talking a while with my therapist today it seems of all my mental problems, depression is the most debilitating. I've got a lot of opinions lately, so all this stuff is an awful lot to take in and process. It's all a bit overwhelming.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 03, 2015, 06:10:39 PM
Anais, something that strikes me about your desire to be thinner is that it's still kind of doing it for someone else. You want to be thinner to stick it to other people. Not that dick heads don't need to be taken down a peg, but maybe that's your issue. It should be something that, above all is for yourself. Even if you DO use it like that, it should be because being thinner will put you at the place that you want to be, not because you'll be able to make all the dudebros swoon. That's just my opinion. I may be wrong.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 03, 2015, 07:26:06 PM
Anais, something that strikes me about your desire to be thinner is that it's still kind of doing it for someone else. You want to be thinner to stick it to other people. Not that dick heads don't need to be taken down a peg, but maybe that's your issue. It should be something that, above all is for yourself. Even if you DO use it like that, it should be because being thinner will put you at the place that you want to be, not because you'll be able to make all the dudebros swoon. That's just my opinion. I may be wrong.

Agree 100%!

[My power was just restored about 10 minutes ago... just started the computer back up.]


So Lucas, would "I want to lose weight so that I can be hot and all the men can want me and I can shove it in their face" be a good enough motivator.

Not for any sustained results.  And if that is the reason, then you are associating your body and self-image with hate and anger, and those will stay with your thinking and your body, not with the people whose faces you want to rub it in.


I am totally not kidding, that is one of the reasons I want to do it. I think the fact that I am 33 and not married is a huge motivator. But I have also been told I am not pretty my entire life (quite literally) so I have a lot of shit happening in this brain.

Ok, let's try something else. I want to eat healthy because...wow, I think I only want to do it because society tells me to.

I might need to find something I like about eating healthier and then do this exercise....

Possibly before 'doing' anything (e.g. before changing your diet, before trying to force yourself to exercise more [or 'differently']), it might help you to learn more about what eating poorly does directly to your mood, your ability to accomplish things, your feelings about your self and your life, and your overall motivation to do anything at all.  Because what you put on your fork affects all of that.

Here are some resources that I have vetted while I have been learning about nutrition in order to undo what I learned growing up from parents who lived through the Great Depression, so they learned massively distorted things about eating.  These are people whose opinions on nutrition I trust [with an undergrad major in biology and minor in chemistry, then with grad studies of brain physiology and biochemistry, I have enough awareness of how the body works for me to dissect what people say they've found, and determine if it makes sense].

The first thing for each is their main website, the second is specifics that are likely helpful:

While I am not as familiar with her work (because she deals largely with female hormonal effects of eating), she has been independently recommended by at least two of the people I DO trust, so likely is on the forefront of learning about nutrition effects on the body, particularly in women:  http://saragottfried.com/

And, more generally, but important:  http://www.ewg.org/  [There are over 10,000 chemicals we are exposed to, and while they are possibly safe by themselves (though not likely as the main research submitted when FDA approval is given was paid for by the company making the chemicals), their interactions with each other and the body result in severe hormonal and cellular dysregulation, so the more of them one prevents exposure to, the better off one is.  e.g. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/20/opinion/sunday/kristof-warnings-from-a-flabby-mouse.html]

These, themselves, may very well seem overwhelming.  But, like any other change, start small (look at one or two articles and really take it in) and build on it.  I have learned what I have about nutrition (and the poisons included in average food) over the course of about 10 years, with a sharp upturn in awareness - and acting on that awareness - in the last year leading to my losing 30 pounds in 9 months without trying to lose weight.  I was only trying to 'eat healthier' so my brain could function better.

Hopefully this helps not only you, but anyone else here who is struggling with similar weight issues.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 04, 2015, 12:48:38 PM
I'm at a point right now where I'm considering hospitalization, which is absolutely insane. I can't go into a regular hospital without feeling really horrible and on edge. I can't stand the thought of being cut off from the majority of my friends. Yeah, I have people I see in real life. But the majority of my interactions and est friends are not only people online, but are people who live in Europe. I would lose contact with them for however long I would be in there. Entirely alone and isolated. And if there's one person I don't want to be alone with it's myself. Yeah, I'm sorry. I've been drinking. I was planning to watch a movie to get a good cry and help me process things, but I'm hanging out with my friends on teamspeak, and listening to them having fun adn I'm just like how could I abandon all these people who I love? How can I be without them. And I hate myself for being selfish and wanting to fix things with myself and being unable to because I can't be without these people who not only do I depend on but depend on me. How can I do something for myself when it would hurt other people in my life?

You know that you're at the worst point you can be when you don't want to kill yourself, but you're convinced that everyone would be better off without you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 04, 2015, 01:03:02 PM
Well, first off, the drinking isn't helping, so cut that out or at least cut it way down.

Second, if you have people that want to talk with you, even if it's just online, then everyone would certainly NOT be better off without you.

Is there no type of treatment center that allows you to have your laptop to stay in contact with people?  These days it seems wrong to take that away from people in your situation.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on March 04, 2015, 01:08:56 PM
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.

Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 04, 2015, 01:51:18 PM
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.

Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.

Surprise. Mr. Holier Than Thou is telling me to get the alcohol out of my house.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pak-Man on March 04, 2015, 02:09:38 PM
I would imagine your friends would rather deal with your temporary absence than have you continuously suffering. If there's something that you can do that will ensure your safety and health, then do it. The alternative won't help any of your friends.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on March 04, 2015, 02:57:42 PM
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.

Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.

Surprise. Mr. Holier Than Thou is telling me to get the alcohol out of my house.

Gonna just ignore that insult because you're having a hard time.

The drinking rules you established for yourself were a good idea, but you haven't been able to stick to them when things get really bad. You need to know your limitations, and I think it's clear that having alcohol in the house is harmful to you. Do the right thing for yourself and cut off the things that make your bad times worse.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 04, 2015, 03:55:40 PM
You're going to roll your eyes at me, just like every other time I've said this, but get the alcohol out of your house.

Second. Your friends want you to be well. I know going to the hospital seems like abandoning your friends, but they want you to do what you need to do. I feel guilt every time I have to go in for CF issues, like I'm choosing to make my family and friends worry for two weeks, but that's just the way it is, and it would be a much greater disservice to them if I didn't take the necessary steps to get better.

Surprise. Mr. Holier Than Thou is telling me to get the alcohol out of my house.

Having met both of you lovely people, I am a little taken aback by this....


But that is not the point. The POINT is that alcohol is a depressant. I am speaking from a place of love. I was stuck in the hole that is alcoholism. When I was drinking I had fake happiness but it doesn't compare to what I feel now that I am sober on a daily basis.

I am not Holier Than Thou. I am a sinner in the hands of a fictional being. I don't know what you are going through in terms of transition, but I have depression, and I have used alcohol to help it. It only hindered it.

Also, I am going to say this to make a point, not to invalidate you. There was a part of my brain that said to myself: "She has a boyfriend, why is she upset? I don't have a boyfriend!" I know that comparing is bad, and even if you have a bf, all your feelings are justified, but think of all the things that are going right in your life.

It's too bad you don't live in Denver because I would recommend one of the outpatient therapy program I did. You only go three times a week for 3 hours each day. You still have the ability to talk to your friends but you can get some help.

I feel like this is as off the wall as a Randy post, so I will stop, but QV, I love and support you, and want nothing but the best for you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 04, 2015, 04:18:48 PM
QV, that is also an inappropriate reply to an offer to help, especially when you are posting in the thread that asks for it.

In an effort to keep this thread as helpful and a safe a space as possible, please do not lash out at people who respond to your posts either.

If you want to ignore his advice, that's up to you, but please keep it civil.

A forum my wife is a member of has a rule - No JADEing.

Members should never:
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Perhaps that's a bit extreme for this thread, but maybe we should all at least consider the content of our posts against that?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 04, 2015, 06:26:01 PM
I am not a god damned alcoholic. I don't wake up every day needing alcohol to get through the day. I drink oce or twice a week, and that's it. I have a few drinks and have some laughs with friends. Telling me to get the alcohol out of my house is not something I need to do. That's what I see Bogsworth getting at here. And I'm not going to stop drinking because once or twice a month, I have a breakdown while drinking. Telling me that I should stop drinking for the night or whatever is an appropriate response, but telling me to get it out of the house is not.

I don't know if there are programs like that in the Springs, anais. I'll look into it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 04, 2015, 06:28:55 PM
OK, you aren't lsitening.

You are welcome to not agree with him.

It's the agressive responses that are inappropriate.

This is your last warning.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 05, 2015, 08:19:15 PM
Found out that my mother may have cancer. My response? Good. this is the relationship I have with this woman.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 08, 2015, 08:36:42 PM
Found out that my mother may have cancer. My response? Good. this is the relationship I have with this woman.
I'm very sorry QV. :( . That's horrible and I'm not going to pretend like anything I can say is going to help. Just do what you think is best and treasure every moment.

You know, one of my biggest problems lately is that i don't just have a conscience... I have a judge, jury and executioner living upstairs in the old cranium. I'm not going to pretend like I haven't done some stupid things in my life, but at this point I think I have matured to the point where I can move past them and start acting like a truly responsible adult. It's about time... seeing as how I'm already 36.  :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: dratkins on March 09, 2015, 06:05:00 AM
Found out that my mother may have cancer. My response? Good. this is the relationship I have with this woman.

If she has cancer then maybe she will die. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 13, 2015, 01:38:13 PM
Every morning one thought keeps occuring to me: Know thyself. I don't know who first said it, but that's always good advice. That cynical, negative part of my brain tends to fabricate ideas and memories because... I don't know. It's like somebody implanted a psychic idea that would ultimately lead to my going off the deep end and killing myself because I don't know who I am anymore.

It's true. Fabricated memories, old stuff I tend to dredge up from years past make me ask myself... am I really a good person? Then I have to start scrutinizing myself every step of the way. You probably have no idea how crazy that can make a person. :( In case any of you do, I know what it's like.

After... psychoanalyzing myself I've reached a definite conclusion: I am a good person. yes, I have a somewhat checkered past and I have things I regret in my life, but who doesn't regret sometimes? For years, I regretted that car accident I got into all those years ago(1999), and I still psychically smack myself in the face over ruining the best damn car I ever had. Still breaks my heart that I ruined that car. And there are of course other, more personal aspects to me that I don't want to go into. All I can say is that using objective criteria is what I used to reach my conclusion. I know I am a good person.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 13, 2015, 01:52:30 PM
 :highfive:  Can you forgive a good person?  If so, there's one in your mirror that needs forgiveness.  If not, maybe learning to forgive is something worth considering.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 13, 2015, 02:23:32 PM
:highfive:  Can you forgive a good person?  If so, there's one in your mirror that needs forgiveness.  If not, maybe learning to forgive is something worth considering.
Forgiveness is tricky. Some things people can't forgive, and I completely understand that. Outside of the Christian point of view on the subject, I think forgiveness is good and a healthy practice. It's the best way to move on with our lives. I sometimes find I also dredge up old hard feelings against somebody and I have to tell myself "come on, that was a long fucking time ago, let it go already!".
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 13, 2015, 02:53:44 PM
If I think about it long enough, I can get pissed off about stuff that happened in elementary school. And I graduated high school  in the 1970's.  Yoda says it's the dark side.   ::)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 13, 2015, 02:59:18 PM
If I think about it long enough, I can get pissed off about stuff that happened in elementary school. And I graduated high school  in the 1970's.  Yoda says it's the dark side.   ::)
That'll happen. It's human nature to carry grudges and get pissed off over things that should be in the past. If we can carry on as though it doesn't matter anymore, then it's okay. I know that's kind of a cop-out because it's basically asking you to live a lie, but it's true. If I try hard enough, I can forgive that motherfucker who accidentally hit my dog in the jaw with a baseball bat 11 years ago.

I actually blame myself for that too because there was always a voice ringing inside my head saying "You KNEW that might happen, so why didn't you stop that?"
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 13, 2015, 06:38:54 PM
Wow.  I'm having a blazing anxiety attack.  I actually feel like this guy
-->  :speechless: 

I have an anxiety disorder. My body and mind generate false anxiety attacks, or have excessive response to normal anxiety producing situations.

My heart is pounding, and my whole body is shaking, and there's nothing wrong.  It's been a good day!  Yet, my body and  mind are experiencing very intense anxiety over nothing, and I realize it's over nothing, but that doesn't ease the anxiety.   

An anxiety attack is similar to that feeling you have right after someone or something startles you, except, you remain startled for hours, days or weeks.  It's that feeling you have right before you say to someone, "Damn! You scared the heck out of me!"  Except, that feeling remains.

It kinda blows.   

I took 50mg of Crazertol and two Plasterdils.  Maybe that will help.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 13, 2015, 07:28:40 PM
If you need to, call somebody if you're feeling as horrible as I think you might be.  :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 13, 2015, 07:35:25 PM
I did. I know to try to distract myself.  I called my best friend.   Both of his parents are having bad medical issues. So, he's naturally going through temporary, but intense depression.  So, all he would do is give me one word answers. *face palm* 

Instead of calling anyone else, I've been browsing here, and watching some videos.  Trying to find stuff to make me laugh.  Laughter is a good distraction.

Edited to add:  "I took 50mg of Crazertol and two Plasterdils.  Maybe that will help."   That was a joke, no such medicine.  So, don't google them. Crazertol = pill for crazy person. And Plasterdill = pill that gets you plastered. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 13, 2015, 07:39:08 PM
Try to do something, something simple like play solitaire, with real cards, or anything to keep your mind and body somewhat mildly busy.
I've never had one as bad as you describe, but forcing myself to do something like that helped with the mild ones.  And the internet was only used for email back then...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 13, 2015, 07:53:24 PM
Wow.  I'm having a blazing anxiety attack.  I actually feel like this guy
-->  :speechless: 

I have an anxiety disorder. My body and mind generate false anxiety attacks, or have excessive response to normal anxiety producing situations.

My heart is pounding, and my whole body is shaking, and there's nothing wrong.  It's been a good day!  Yet, my body and  mind are experiencing very intense anxiety over nothing, and I realize it's over nothing, but that doesn't ease the anxiety.   

An anxiety attack is similar to that feeling you have right after someone or something startles you, except, you remain startled for hours, days or weeks.  It's that feeling you have right before you say to someone, "Damn! You scared the heck out of me!"  Except, that feeling remains.

It kinda blows.   

I took 50mg of Crazertol and two Plasterdils.  Maybe that will help.

I'm sorry you are going through that.  I've had two anxiety attacks in my life (and the PTSD response mimics them too well at times), so I have an idea what it is like.

From your later post, it sounds like you are doing things to actively redirect your thinking, which is an excellent way to 'bleed off' some of the emotional stresses involved as the brain is required to react with different emotions with different stimuli, so there's less emotional capacity to be directed at anxiety.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 13, 2015, 07:54:56 PM
:highfive:  Can you forgive a good person?  If so, there's one in your mirror that needs forgiveness.  If not, maybe learning to forgive is something worth considering.
Forgiveness is tricky. Some things people can't forgive, and I completely understand that. Outside of the Christian point of view on the subject, I think forgiveness is good and a healthy practice. It's the best way to move on with our lives. I sometimes find I also dredge up old hard feelings against somebody and I have to tell myself "come on, that was a long fucking time ago, let it go already!".

Something that I tried to get people to understand when I was a therapist is that 'forgiving' someone else is not necessarily saying that what that person did was OK.  When the forgiveness is about one's own actions, I tried to point out that with the mental and emotional capacities and information they had at the time, there really was no other response that would have made sense, despite how later awareness might view events.  Then, as MikuFan said, forgiveness is a way of letting go of something that happened so that we can move on with our lives.

Because the only person who is 'punished' by not forgiving something is the person who is holding onto it: if it is about another person, the person who 'acted poorly' [in the thinking of the person not forgiving something] generally has no clue that anyone feels the way a person not forgiving something feels toward them, and quite possibly wouldn't care if they did.

So the not forgiving something, the intense mental/emotional energy drain of maintaining that non- forgiveness, and the forgiving it (letting it go) are all completely self-contained in the person who had that reaction.  Difficult as it is, forgiveness is a choice to not be controlled in the present by an event of the past.  What may have been learned or experienced from that past event is what led to a different awareness that - in retrospect - allows different perception of it.  What one learns in the present about that event, and themself, can help to allow the person to let it go and move on.


Something I hesitated to add here since some of us get self-conscious, but which I will add, to complete this overview of my viewpoint is this:

In addition to all of that about forgiving or not forgiving something, if it is regarding one's own actions, then the rehashing of the same thing over and over sets up patterns in the brain that make it more likely the same thing will happen again.  Because, as psychology research shows and performers of any type of specialized activity know, imagining events as they want them to occur results in more success when next doing them (e.g. surgeons mentally practicing surgery going well, or them responding quickly and accurately to things going wrong, most often results in their being able to do the action easier, and remain calmer if something does go unexpectedly wrong).  [As far as brain electrical activity goes, imagining events in detail is virtually indistinguishable from actually doing that activity.]

So basically one doesn't want to practice events that one doesn't like that they did in the first place.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 13, 2015, 08:17:49 PM
That's a lot to take in. It makes sense to me though.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 13, 2015, 08:28:26 PM
Sorry it was written so technically - minus, in re-reading it, apparently any hint of the empathy I feel for you having things that you haven't yet been able to forgive.  From overuse my brain is rather disconnected at the moment so 'technical' was all I could manage any longer.

But I am sorry that you have such regrets that are holding you back in events you'd rather not relive.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 18, 2015, 07:19:56 PM
I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad.  :'(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 18, 2015, 07:20:48 PM
I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad.  :'(

Can you call someone?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 18, 2015, 07:22:22 PM
I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad.  :'(

Can you call someone?
I guess I can call the help line. 1 800-273-8255 if anyone else needs it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 18, 2015, 07:29:30 PM
I'm in a really bad place right now. I really need somebody to talk to. Things in my head/mind are bad.  :'(

Can you call someone?
I guess I can call the help line. 1 800-273-8255 if anyone else needs it.

I hope that helps!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 18, 2015, 08:53:54 PM
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time Soguru.  I hope you can get some help.  If you can't get through to the first place you try to contact, keep trying until you do get someone who can help.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 18, 2015, 09:19:50 PM
Thank you Lucas and Edward. I talked to a good friend of mine. She helped me get through it. She's always there to help me with affirmations that strengthens me. It isn't easy talking about myself being in such a vulnerable state. Makes me feel that much more vulnerable and weak. That's hard for me to deal with.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Edward J Grug III on March 18, 2015, 09:21:55 PM
Really glad you were able to talk to a friend!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 18, 2015, 09:23:18 PM
Really glad you were able to talk to a friend!
That's always dearly important to me. When I tend to have these episodes, thankfully they come and go but when I have them they are very acute so I need to talk to somebody ASAP otherwise I risk having to check myself back into the hospital for observation.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on March 18, 2015, 09:25:12 PM
I'm glad that you were able to talk to someone close to you also.  It helps so much more if someone already knows a lot of the underlying issues that feed into what is going on currently with us.

At least I find if I have to start from scratch to explain why I'm in bad shape it makes me feel even more isolated and alone with whatever it is... so there's just that much more to 'dig out of'.  And some times I just get to a point where the feeling is "fuck it: it isn't worth the effort".  Those are very bad places to be in.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 18, 2015, 09:26:53 PM
Yeah, starting from scratch is always so frustrating. I must have repeated my entire pathology before at least 10-15 people already. It gets very tiresome.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on March 18, 2015, 09:42:59 PM
I am not a part of this thread, I did not play well with other s here. Everyone listen to Lucas, he is a very good therapist. Ignore me, I am not here...

I just dropped in to say listen to Lucas. He is a very smart man. I am a very drunk man. Your choices are clear.

Carry on...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 19, 2015, 05:26:30 AM
Yeah, starting from scratch is always so frustrating. I must have repeated my entire pathology before at least 10-15 people already. It gets very tiresome.

*nods enthusiastically. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 19, 2015, 06:43:45 AM
Well... I didn't sleep very well last night. I do have an appointment today with a facility to get a sleep study going. Thankfully the insurance will pay for it. I didn't believe it at first but they will. If anyone here is struggling financially, I strongly urge you to apply for medicare. It's helped me out a lot. At the very least, it's kept me alive.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 19, 2015, 03:29:16 PM
The past week has been insanely difficult for me. On Saturday I was hanging out with my friends in the teamspeak. We were all having fun. One of my best friends who never hangs out with us on there, got on and was hanging out with us, too, and I was really excited. After a while she started going into another channel to hang out with another friend she has who I can't stand to be around. I was upset, because I thought she had wanted to hang out with me. Then another friend came on, and was talking about this youtuber. I remarked that I didn't think that the guy was that great, certainly not in the way she's obsessed with him. She proceeds to tell me that I'm just jealous and I'm awful At the game that the youtuber is known for playing. I got pissed, because every day this friend is putting me down or is mad at me for something. I've been there for her a lot lately, and she's always mad. Then i make a few remarks Verbally instead of over text. The server admin who is a good friend of mine pulls me away And starts telling me off. I don't accept that just because this girl is having a hard time she's allowed to hurt me everyday. He tells me that I just always have to make everything about me And permanently bans me from the server. So on Saturday I lost all of the friends that I spend time with and rely on every day. I had bottles of pills in my hands every day from Saturday to tuesday prepared to swallow them. Tuesday morning I was at therapy and she called the police. I got taken to a hospital. They sent me home because even though they thought I should be put in a mental hospital, the one they would send me to wasn't accepting patients because of a stomach virus and the other one wouldn't acknowledge my being trans and would place me in an all male ward. The psychiatrist told me that he didn't think it would be good for me to be put there. I've been home every night since. I called my friend Matt and he's been staying with me. I decided that I wouldn't be on steam or any of the other places I hang out with them for a few days... and it's killing me.

All of my friends hate me now and will probably never forgive me. And I need everyone so much. I've gotten medicaid now because my therapist said if I didn't she would stop seeing me Since I haven't been able to make my full copayments lately. I've also got an appointment tomorrow to see about an intensive outpatient program. I'm doing things to get better... why can people see that and be with me? I'm so afraid and alone... and tomorrow Matt will be going home. Caleb's out of town until monday. So Saturday and Sunday I'll be alone. And I don't know if I can do that. I just can't do this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 19, 2015, 05:13:57 PM
Damn. I'm very sorry QV. Please don't think this is just a standard pick me up message. This is more than that. :( I know at least to some extent how it feels for that sort of thing to happen. If they're really your friends, they will forgive you. But please don't do what you talked about there. There's a youtube video I like because of how heart-breakingly sad it is, but it reminded me that once somebody is gone... they're never coming back. The ripples of a person's lost life destroys everybody around that person regardless of how we think people and the world feel about us.

All I know is that you're feeling beyond awful right now, but you're a good person and you don't deserve to feel that way. We all go through our shit sometimes, and those who stay with us when we hit that pit of awful where all inhibitions to end it all are gone are true friends. Call that number I put down above if you have to, just pick up the phone, because just talking to anybody can save a life and that's one thing that can keep us going.

Please come back to us QV. :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 22, 2015, 12:53:34 PM
So for the past week people have been telling me that I need to do things to help myself get to a better place... and now I'm at the point where the best thing for me is to talk to the people I've hurt and try to make things right... and none of them are ready to talk to me. I recognize that I hurt them, and now I have a bit more understanding of why I hurt them. One of my friends is having a hard time in her life, her father had recently passed away, she's having issues with this guy she likes, and she's facing the fact that she has no job. Pretty much every other day, she's been pissed at me for some reason or another, and strongly overreacting to anything I do. So I finally respond to her being nasty to me by telling her off myself. I don't care what kind of shitty time you're having in your life, it doesn't give you the right to hurt someone who's done nothing but try to help you. And then another friend of mine is telling me about her experiences with job hunting, and how the jobs she's looking at are like 30-40k a year jobs, and start paying 60k after two years. And she's 21, and it makes me feel like a god damned fucking failure for her to tell me about all this stuff. I get that she's stressed that she might not get the jobs, but she at least has the ability to get something, and she's got lots of things that make her attractive to employers. I'm a 24 year old college drop out who hasn't held a job for more than 4 months in the last 6 years. No one wants to hire me, even if I COULD work without having anxiety attacks non fucking stop. It's a little god damned insensitive for her to tell me all this crap. And so now I need to talk to these people so that they know why I'm hurt by them. Oh, bonus, first girl's boy troubles are the guy who used and took advantage of me, so I feel completely fucking betrayed, and every time I see and hear them interact it's like a god damned knife in the stomach. But I just have to be the good friend and take it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 22, 2015, 01:08:36 PM
I can't pretend to understand the situation, but I think I speak for everybody here when we say we're all here for you QV.  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 22, 2015, 03:34:06 PM
QV, I can't remember- are you seeing a therapist?  It sounds like you need someone to talk to, that isn't close to you. A neutral person.  Is there a neutral person you can call when things are super bad? A help line, or some sort of phone counselor?


Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 22, 2015, 05:18:59 PM
QV, I can't remember- are you seeing a therapist?  It sounds like you need someone to talk to, that isn't close to you. A neutral person.  Is there a neutral person you can call when things are super bad? A help line, or some sort of phone counselor?

I am. But because of finances, I had to cut back to biweekly appointments. I'm on medicaid now, though, so I can go back to weekly. I also start intensive out patient therapy tomorrow at the local mental hospital. I'll be going for 4 hours a day every day for about two weeks. Hopefully that'll help me out... although I honestly can't see myself getting better. :/
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 22, 2015, 05:52:05 PM
Glad to hear you got some financial help! 

It's really difficult for friends to cope with someone's mental illness- they don't have the training, and more importantly, they are so connected to the patient, that their own neurosis comes into play.  So, it's sort of like one patient trying to help another.  Doesn't work too well.  That's why I hope you can find a neutral person.  A therapist is perfect for that role.

Keep at it, QV, and try as hard as you can.   A long time ago, I was just as confused and upset as you.  It was really hard, but I kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I tried really hard to get better.  And I did get better.  Much better.


Mental illness is tough. Especially, if they can't find a good medication for you.  It's mostly about changing the voice in your head...your internal monologue.  That voice, the voice of your mind, is locked into a defensive, negative mode.    It will take little things and make them big.  It will take big things and make them huge.  All negative, of course.

I'm rooting for you!  I don't know your situation, but I do know that I was once in a similar situation, and for sure, it can be defeated.  Life can become much better!

I'm not a therapist.  I'm a former patient.  I know that the voice in your head- the voice of your mind, is greatly affecting you. In a sense, your mind has talked itself into a corner and doesn't see a way out. 

If you can find a way to make it speak in a positive tone, make it realize there is always a safe, sane way out of the corner, your life will likely change for the better, and quickly.

I encourage you to try to make your therapy work.  Don't be afraid to be honest.  Don't be embarrassed to talk about your problems.

*hugs*
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 23, 2015, 10:02:48 AM
I agree with everything MikuFan just said.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Soguru on March 23, 2015, 11:44:40 AM
Don't be afraid to come to any of us QV. We've all had to confront our demons and had to learn how to live with them, so if you're at your lowest point, we can help at least by giving an ear or a shoulder.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 25, 2015, 02:14:49 PM
QV, did you go to therapy today?  Any issues with the doc or staff?  Did you stay home? What happened?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 25, 2015, 02:45:09 PM
QV, did you go to therapy today?  Any issues with the doc or staff?  Did you stay home? What happened?

I decided that going to a place that's going to cause me more stress than it's relieving isn't good for me, so I didn't go. I've found a support group, so I'll try going to that next week, and then I was going to look into the trans specific groups in the area.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on March 25, 2015, 02:58:00 PM
Excellent! You didn't just quit, you found an alternative.  :highfive:

Your statement about bad memories at the hospital made me understand your point. I was traumatized at a hospital, by the hospital. They damaged my body.  30 years later, I still stress out when I have to go to a hospital. And being a veteran, EVERY doctor's appointment I have is at a hospital.  So, it's really a challenge.

Good luck, you sound much better today. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 26, 2015, 10:28:21 AM
Apparently saying "These are the reasons that I felt this way, but it doesn't justify my bad actions and behavior, and I fully accept responsibility for my negative behavior, and I apologize for it" is the same as saying "You made me do this, I blame you for my behavior, it's not my fault." I tried talking to one of my friends, because over the past week, I realized that I've been upset with her for lots of things that she's done to hurt me that I've been bottling in. I tell her that the things she did hurt me, and that my reaction to those things was bad. Her response is that I'm not accepting responsibility for my behavior and that I'm just putting all the blame on her. It's not her fault that I handled things poorly. That's me. I don't know what else I can say to her. I'm on the fence about this friendship, anyway.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 26, 2015, 11:36:38 AM
If you admit you reacted badly and apologized, there's nothing more you can do except repeat it again to get her to accept your apology.  Leave out the part where she hurt you this time and see if she acts the same way in the future, that's the time to bring up that part of it again.

But there are people that will never admit that anything they do causes discomfort for anyone else, I've encountered one very bad case of that, even after loosing their job it didn't sink in...  The "that's just the way I am" defense only works for a short while when someone is verbally abusing everyone around them.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 26, 2015, 12:03:37 PM
If you admit you reacted badly and apologized, there's nothing more you can do except repeat it again to get her to accept your apology.  Leave out the part where she hurt you this time and see if she acts the same way in the future, that's the time to bring up that part of it again.

But there are people that will never admit that anything they do causes discomfort for anyone else, I've encountered one very bad case of that, even after loosing their job it didn't sink in...  The "that's just the way I am" defense only works for a short while when someone is verbally abusing everyone around them.

This has been a persistent problem with this friend. During the conversation we were just having, I relented and said that I would try to explore things from her point of view. I feel that most of my problems are from me holding things back and bottling my hurt feelings towards people. She believe that I'm also a self centered drama queen. I said, I'll explore that, can you give me an example of my behavior that makes you think that about me? and her response was "Wow, why am I surprised, it's like you don't even want to try and change."

I've decided that this person is just not going to accept that I'm trying to get better. She won't give me a chance to prove that I'm trying. And so I'm cutting her out of my life. While I'm trying to be stronger and stabalize myself, I don't need someone telling me that everything I'm doing is proving that I'm not doing that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 26, 2015, 01:04:49 PM
She believe that I'm also a self centered drama queen. I said, I'll explore that, can you give me an example of my behavior that makes you think that about me? and her response was "Wow, why am I surprised, it's like you don't even want to try and change."

Well, she either thought you were being sarcastic or is someone that thinks everyone should already know what they are thinking even if they don't say anything...  I'd say ask her again saying you were sincerely asking for her help, but if you have already decided she causes you too much discomfort then just let it (and her) go.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 26, 2015, 01:59:54 PM
She sounds like a b-word to me. I would just stop talking to her.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 26, 2015, 10:42:11 PM
She sounds like a b-word to me. I would just stop talking to her.

That was the decision I made. The relationship is hurting me more than its good for me at this point. She won't let me try to prove that I'm working towards being better, so no matter what progress I make she won't acknowledge it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 28, 2015, 02:52:48 AM
The one friendship that I thought I could save was lost tonight. I responded by getting pissed. Felt a bottle of vodka was a better response than a bottle of pills. Tonight I drank to forget. Ended up in the hospital.Back home now, because again the staff determined that it wasn't a good idea for me to be hospitalized at a facility that would not accept or acknowledge my transgender status.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on March 29, 2015, 09:29:16 AM
I'm sorry to hear about both the loss of a friendship and how that hospital treated you.  I hope you are healing at home, soberly.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 02, 2015, 12:06:45 AM
I can't do this. I just can't. I'll do anything to get better. Why can't they see that? She was my best friend EVER. We were so close. I would literally do anything she wants me to. I can't sleep. This hurts so much. I can't even think about anything. I called her my wife. She was the only person I had I could litreally tell her anything. I can't do this. I need her.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on April 03, 2015, 09:54:24 AM
QV, meditate on what you said to her, put yourself in her position listening to you, then try to feel how she felt and what you might say to fix it.  If you know her well enough you should be able to figure out a way to start rebuilding the friendship.

Just some advice from a crazy old man, so take it with a grain of salt.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 10, 2015, 08:18:50 PM
So... Looks like I'm headed for the "Big D". It's a matter of it's not me, it's you. Well, as far as my wife is concerned. Basically, I'm the same introverted underachiever I've always been. She, on the other hand, has gone from reformed party girl to super mom suburbanite. It's not like I fault her for bettering herself, it just means that I haven't kept up with her new life expectations.

Up till now, I've always taken it as an attack on me, that I wasn't good enough for her. Sure, that's how any other Type A go-getter might classify it, but I realized that it just meant that we want different things out of life. All I've wanted is a steady job and a family. She wants the suburban dream. For the past 5 years since it went really bad, I've been holding onto that "marriage is forever" mantra without ever realizing just how much I've held her back.

As far as I can tell, now that I've simmered down and we've talked it over, we'll make this as amicable as possible. Doesn't mean it isn't a shot to the heart.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on April 11, 2015, 02:43:37 AM
I'm sorry to hear that MSTJ.

It is difficult when a relationship ends, no matter the circumstances.

From my experience, work with the idea that it will continue to be amicable, but be prepared with a very strong attorney in case things change along the way (I wanted out of the marriage, but my attorney wasn't prepared, and I got screwed in my divorce because he wasn't ready to fight for me).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on April 11, 2015, 04:27:07 AM
Sorry MSTJ, sometimes accepting things are over can be a huge relief and I hope it's like that for you.


Sorry to everyone else for not being more present here.  On a bit of a knife edge lately and scared to over-think it but realizing 'better' is a LONG way from improving, good or happy. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 11, 2015, 09:45:29 AM
I'm sorry you have to go through this, Jedi. I wish I knew more of what to say, but you have my support.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 11, 2015, 09:53:26 AM
Thanks for the support, everyone. In all honesty, I'm hoping that my son-to-be ex-wife and I can remain civil enough with this to not require attorneys. In truth, neither of us can afford it. I understand the advice in getting one, though. I saw what happened when my brother didn't get representation and got steamrolled in his divorce. I'm just hoping my wife is more mature and less selfish than that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 12, 2015, 07:04:55 AM
God, I hate this. Ever since Friday night I've been in something of daze. It helped that I was gone most of the day yesterday working. But I got home and I can't even look my wife in the eye anymore. I'm an affectionate person when it comes to significant others. Just a touch on the arm as I pass, a random hug every now and then. We always have kissed and said goodbye as one of us left home. Always said "I love you" whenever we ended a phone conversation. And now all of that is gone. My lease isn't up until the end of October. I don't know if I can last that long without losing it, one way or another. Either I'll explode on her like I've never done before, actually telling her what I really think (very loudly), or I'll just slip into full hermit mode and just stop talking to anyone at all.

I can't even self-medicate because I have no money for booze and no friends to bum from. That's the worst part of this. I've never had many friends, always just a few that I was close to. Over the years of my marriage, all my friends moved on. I figure that with my introverted nature, I can only be close to a few people at once. And with my wife and 3 to 4 kids (depending on whether my son is around or not), that filled up my closeness capacity. Add to that the expense of having kids and rising gas prices, and it killed any chance to spend time with my old friends who were each 30 minutes or more away. So, here I am. Trapped in a cage of my own making with now way out until next November.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 12, 2015, 08:18:36 AM
Today I feel extremely panicky. No idea why. I'm terrified of being alone right now and there's really not much I can do to change the fact that I very much AM alone right now. Maybe it's at the fact that I NEED to go to the store today That's got me freaking out. I don't know. All I know is that right now I feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack and spend the whole day crying. I feel massively terrified and empty inside.

MST, forgive me if this is wrong, but I believe you mentioned somewhere that you and your wife agreed that she was the one who changed in your marriage? This is not your fault. People change and fall out of love, and 9 times out of 10 it's impossible to see coming.

The part about lacking physical affection is difficult. I can sort of relate. Since Bas and I only ever communicate over skype, its extremely difficult for me to handle the longing I have for physical connection, and a lot of the time I'm so frustrated with the distance that I take it out on him. It's not exactly the same situation, per say, but it's got similarities. For me, I've found that journalling has helped me in having a good outlet for that frustration. Also games where I get to role play as an extremely bitchy person help out as well.

I can relate to a lot of the friends stuff, too. Quirk is probably my best friend in town, and I hardly ever see him anymore just because I feel shitty for the negative things I've done. the only person I see on a day to day basis is Caleb. I've managed to drive away most of the people in my life, or maybe I'm keeping them at arms distance to avoid losing them too, and in the process I'm losing them, I don't know.

Drinking to handle your problems isn't the answer. Ever. I've been accused of doing it by multiple people, but I've only ever done it once. It only leads to worse situations. Never ever drink when you're depressed. And never drink when you have a problem with managing your negative thinking. Booze doesn't stop the problems.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 12, 2015, 08:54:55 AM
Yeah, I know drinking isn't the answer. At least getting sloppy drunk isn't. I'd love to be able to have a beer or a glass of wine at the end of the night just to help me wind down, though. For some reason, I've never had an addictive personality, just a sweet tooth and an aversion to meaningless exercise (which is why I'm overweight). So I don't have to worry too much on that end. That's not to say I've never been drunk, just that it was a willful decision, not a compulsion and it's been years since I've done it.

What the real kicker about this situation is that, in her words, it's not a matter of not loving me anymore. She just can't live with me. She doesn't feel like I'm a partner with her in where she's going. And I finally realized that it was true. While I've supported her in everything she's done, I don't have the drive and ambition to follow her into suburban yuppie-ville. I've often fantasized of my old 1-bedroom and studio apartments I had when I was single. I miss the simplicity and coziness of a small space that I had control over. I haven't had control through our whole marriage because I take my time and she steps up and just does stuff if I don't do it on her schedule. And it's not just me she does that with. It happened when she took over our Cub Scout pack becaus no one else would do it. It's happened at her current job when the "lead" teacher is reluctant to interact with the parents. It's an admirable quality, but one that clashes with my own laissez faire approach to life.

I hope you feel better soon, QV. I can certainly understand the feeling of not wanting to go anywhere. It's one of the reasons I'm apprehensive about being on my own again. I just may turn into a huge hermit. Most likely I will be for a while until I adjust. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can say is that I understand and you're not alone in the struggle.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on April 12, 2015, 09:26:30 AM
 Not wanting to go out can really escalate if you don't force yourself to get out there.  Don't let it get to the point where you are standing there unable to open the door just to go out and check your mailbox.  For some reason at that point you can't seem to remember that once on the other side of the door things aren't that bad. 

 So, go, do your shopping, force yourself to find any little reason to get out there.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on April 12, 2015, 09:38:50 AM
I haven't had control through our whole marriage because I take my time and she steps up and just does stuff if I don't do it on her schedule. And it's not just me she does that with. It happened when she took over our Cub Scout pack becaus no one else would do it. It's happened at her current job when the "lead" teacher is reluctant to interact with the parents. It's an admirable quality, but one that clashes with my own laissez faire approach to life.

Sounds like you want to have control but don't want to "take" control, and she might not like to be in control but likes to step in if no one else takes charge....

That's a tough one, both of you would have to make somewhat large changes to your personalities to avoid resentments building up over time, which seems to be what has happened.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 12, 2015, 10:39:40 AM
I haven't had control through our whole marriage because I take my time and she steps up and just does stuff if I don't do it on her schedule. And it's not just me she does that with. It happened when she took over our Cub Scout pack becaus no one else would do it. It's happened at her current job when the "lead" teacher is reluctant to interact with the parents. It's an admirable quality, but one that clashes with my own laissez faire approach to life.

Sounds like you want to have control but don't want to "take" control, and she might not like to be in control but likes to step in if no one else takes charge....

That's a tough one, both of you would have to make somewhat large changes to your personalities to avoid resentments building up over time, which seems to be what has happened.

That pretty much hits the nail on the head. After 10 years of living that way, her resentment is to the point that I'm not sure if I could do anything that would make it better. When it comes down to it, I don't want to change. I like who I am. I like being laid back and introverted. And I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm not good enough just being who I am. So, it's apparent that I've built up a lot of resentment, too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 12, 2015, 07:42:10 PM
Why does everyone want me to be in pain? Why do the people I love want me to die? Because then I'll be gone, no more bothering them. They want me gone, why can't I just give it to them? Why do I always do this? Every few years, cycle of losing everything I love. every few years another reason that I should die. I have no family. all of my old friends can't stand me any more. My most recent friends abandoned me. I have nothing. Everyone wants me gone forever. I hate them all so much and I hate myself for hating them. I have to die so that everyone can be better off. But I cant. And i hate it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on April 13, 2015, 01:04:53 AM
I suspect no one wants you to be in pain, nor does anyone want you to die.  If they truly do, get away from them.  But, I suspect it's your inner voice, the irrational one, talking to you, making you believe no one cares.

QV, you must learn to shut off that negative internal voice.  It's a filter, a filter that makes everything look, feel and sound worse.   It makes you self destruct.  It makes you subconsciously sabotage your own life.

Maybe someone can post a link or a title to some books about "internal monologue."  i can't remember what that type of psychology is called, or I'd suggest some books.   But, I do know that the key is the voice inside your head.

I'm not talking about auditory hallucinations.  We all have an internal voice.  If that voice is neutral or positive, things work out.  But, if it's negative, it can and will make things seem terrible.  When you act on that, things can actually become terrible.

If you can train that voice to at least be neutral, things will get better.  It's not easy, but it can be done.   You're clearly a very intelligent person.  perhaps you can learn about psychology on your own?  Something to do between support group sessions.   It might speed up your healing.

**hugs for you**
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 13, 2015, 08:17:23 AM
Great advice that I need myself every now and then. Like right about now, really. MF is right that you have to learn not to give into that voice. I do it by escaping into books or video games usually. Just tuning out the real world until I get over it. Apparently, that was a detriment to my family life, but as I've said, I can't change who I am. You are who you are, QV. If the people around you don't appreciate that, find new people who will. That was my mistake for the majority of the last ten years. I wasn't open to new friendships, so I now find myself alone in dealing with my current situation. I can't go back and burden my old friends with this because they've moved on and have their own lives and families now. Hopefully that voice that tells you no one around you cares is full of shit and you just need to try your best not to believe it. If it's not all BS and there are people around you who don't care, know that you at least have a group of people here that do.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on April 15, 2015, 11:56:05 AM
QV and MSTJ, I'm sorry you're feeling that way.  This may help.

http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/v/ksB0IXhM-Vc
3 Quick Steps to Stop Negative Thinking Now! (http://danielamenmd.amenclinics.com/3-quick-steps-to-stop-negative-thinking-now/)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 16, 2015, 11:37:01 PM
I've been having nightmares. At least I think I have been. I wake up multiple times a night terrified, and I'm terrified to go to sleep at night. It started when all of the people I loved told me to fuck off. I'm still having issues with it making complete sense for me to die...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 17, 2015, 07:09:49 AM
You know the best way to show them (and yourself) that you're a better person? Thrive and grow without them. That's my master plan for me and my issues. She thinks I'm the one dragging her down? She'll see that's a two way street. I don't have to do things her way to do things right. I'd tell you the same. Move on, find new people and/or things to do.

I felt horrible myself last night. Went to see my daughter perform at a school dance event and the in-laws popped up. The same ones who banned me from their home last summer and I suspect have been nudging her towards divorce all this time. Both of my ILs have been divorced in the past, so it's no wonder that it would be their go-to strategy for dealing with marital issues. Things getting hard to deal with? DTMFA. So yeah, that just brightened my evening.

As for your nightmares, QV, I always watch something innocuous when going to sleep if I'm having problems. Usually a non-horror MST3K episode. Any of the Finnish movies, Prince of Space or any Japanese movies. There's something about it that's soothing to my snarky mind and puts me right to sleep.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 17, 2015, 07:18:09 AM
It's easy to say that, and nearly impossible for me to achieve.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 17, 2015, 07:33:24 AM
I know. I have no idea how I'm going to go forward yet, but I'm going to do it. It sounds trite and hoaky, but it's about the only thing you can do when a relationship ends, whether it's a friendship or a marriage. You have to find something to live for. For me, it's my daughter. I don't want to leave her without a dad or, even worse, with whatever jackass my wife ends up with. I don't know what that'll be for you, but find something that will always bring you back from the brink.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 17, 2015, 07:45:30 AM
It's Bas. And Ein. Last night I was on the edge and I couldn't bring myself to do it because it would hurt them both so much.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 17, 2015, 09:46:29 AM
I'm glad to hear that you do have something to concentrate on when things get bad. Moods change, even though they don't feel like it when you're in the middle of them. I've had to tell myself that numerous times this past week.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 17, 2015, 09:12:53 PM
I think I'm starting to get to the point where I can start to move on... but I'm not sure. I'm trying to accept the fact that the people I loved do not now and will not be my friends again. I'm trying to get there. But it's so hard moving on. I don't want to let go of these people that had such a massive impact on my life. But I have to. And just like I fucked up, so did they. They all have done things that hurt me significantly in my life, except in one case, and she's decided that instead of trying to repair our friendship, she'd rather throw away the closest friendship either of us has every had. They all know that I didn't mean to hurt them. They all know that my actions have driven me to feeling suicidal, and that I needed them. And they left me. I know how hard it is to be on the receiving end of a friend telling you that they're going to kill themselves. I've been there. But I would never, EVER tell someone to fuck off, completely cut them out of my life when theyre having this hard of a time. Especially when they're just starting to get the help they need. Abandoning someone who is working to get better is cold and shitty.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 18, 2015, 06:04:48 AM
I know exactly what you mean. It's hard when you want to work things out and they would rather cut ties and move on. It's happened more than once while I was single and dating, but I never thought it would happen to my marriage. I thought that that is what marriage is. You pick one person you want to spend the rest of your life with and whatever comes, you work it out together. Just as you can't put the blame solely on them for the degradation of the relationship, I can say the same about mine. I let things go too far for too long. I let her steamroll me because it's easier than arguing about it. So things just festered on both sides until there was a wall between us that can't be torn down. I was afraid to speak out because I was afraid of rejection, but now I see that it all ended the same anyway. Might as well have been honest from the start.

So now I have a life lesson won the hard way. Just like I seem to always learn things. By beating my head against a wall until someone slaps me in the face with it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 19, 2015, 06:35:28 PM
God, I feel so alone in this mess. I get the feeling that weekends are going to be the worst with this since both of us are off work. What's so hard is that she has a lot of friends to turn to and I really don't have anyone left. I've reached out to some of my Facebook friends (privately), but most of them are either busy or in a place to not be able to help me much. Add to that my lack of funds to travel (even locally) to see anyone and I feel like I've got no one to turn to. My parents are sympathetic, but I don't want to burden them too much with the day to day. We still haven't talked since last Friday, so I have no idea where her head is in all of this. As far as I can tell, she's just fine, going to spend time with all her old buddies and talking to friends on the phone. Meanwhile I still wake up crying once I remember how things are. When I'm at work and away from her, I can tell myself that it's for the best. When I'm stuck at home with nowhere to go, all I can think of is what I've fucked up.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on April 20, 2015, 04:41:58 PM
I think telling her ho you feel might not be a bad thing. Explain you don't want to guilt trip her, just that you are feeling bad, and she is/was your best friend.

Also, where do you live? Many some riffers are near you.

Maybe now would be a good time to try to get some new friends. Have you heard of meetup? Maybe find people with your interests in your neck of the woods.

What I am saying might be extremely stupid. I am very single and I can't make a friend to save my life, so I have no idea what you are going through.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on April 21, 2015, 10:43:56 AM
We did talk about it a little yesterday, though we didn't have much time because she had to leave to take the boys to their scout meeting. I did mention that the last week or so has been hard on me and that it's depressing waking up in our king-size bed alone. Hell, the bed is so big that even when we were in it together, we had a lot of room separating us. I find that a little metaphorical of our relationship, really. She slept there last night.

I live in the Dallas area, so finding other people to hang out with probably won't be too hard if I use online resources. I suck at making friends face-to-face. I should be out on my own after the school year ends, in June. I'm a school bus driver and I'm currently the only way my kids can get to school since she's a teacher at another school in Dallas (they go to a school in a suburb northeast of the city). So once the kids and I are free of that obligation, I'll be free to . . .  be free. Of course, I'll still see my daughter as much as I can, but I won't have to worry about her boys anymore. Which will be weird after almost 10 years of being in their lives. I'll most likely end up with my parents until I can find (and afford) an apartment, but it's better than having things continue as they are, mostly ignoring each other on opposite sides of the apartment.

I'll never be a social butterfly, but I plan on making some strides to get back to being me once we separate. A lot more alone time to recharge and trying to find like-minded friends to spend time with. One of my biggest hurdles right now is a lack of funds. I can't go hang out with anyone when I can't even afford the gas. Once I'm single and all my extra cash isn't being spent to spoil the kids, I should be able to actually have some semblance of a social life.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 21, 2015, 09:37:31 PM
Today I spent way too long out of the house when I was already feeling extremely stressed. And as a bonus, at the support group tonight there were a TON of people, and at the beginning one guy was cutting himself before we noticed and he got stopped. I was already extremely panicky today, and everything just was about to push me over the edge. I went outside and one of the other girls was smoking so I bummed a ciggie off her. Horrible, yes. I'm not supposed to smoke. But being in a huge room full of people was pushing me past the breaking. I've been missing everyone all day and have felt suicidal a few times. Nothing major... just kind of flashes of, I want to die, just end this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 25, 2015, 12:00:27 AM
Having a horrible time. The most I could get out today was two times for 5 minutes with Ein. Other than that, I literally ordered a pizza so I could get coke, because I couldn't handle even driving to the 7/11 across the street, and the store was right out of the question. The biggest problem I'm facing right now is multiple times a week I'm being required to leave for some reason or another and it's completely exhausting me. since its several days a week, im not even getting a chance to recover in between them. Monday I have to go up to Denver, and I have literally no idea how I'm going to manage that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on April 25, 2015, 05:21:12 AM
QV,  my issues (causes of my problems) were very different than yours.  But, it seems a number of the symptoms are the same.  I have no clue at all what so-called gender issues are like.  But, I certainly know what it's like to be locked in the house and dreading even a short trip to  the store.

For what it's worth, which probably isn't much, you have my support, and my belief that you can overcome this.  I think you can overcome it, because I did.

Keep struggling for your peace of mind.  You deserve it!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on April 29, 2015, 07:40:35 AM
I want to go back to not remembering my dreams. All I can dream about is the people I've lost. I'm still exhausted from testerday. Out of the house from 11am until about 5 and then I left for the support group. As soon as I arrived I was a shaking and twitching wreck, and only ended up staying for an hour.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RandyMistie on April 29, 2015, 07:56:57 AM
QV, what are you afraid of? You're obviously afraid of something. And it is not Death, you and I both know that Death would be a relief.

Embarrassment? Disapproval? Inadequacy? Welcome to the world of human beings. That is what we are all afraid of. I don't think you have anything to be afraid of. You are really smart. And funny. And if anyone thinks you are not, fuck them in their fat asses!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 06, 2015, 10:18:52 PM
Been talking to a friend of mine tonight. His fiance just left him. I hate myself because I have to fight hitting on him.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 08, 2015, 11:35:00 AM
Been talking to a friend of mine tonight. His fiance just left him. I hate myself because I have to fight hitting on him.

Been there. It's hard to console someone who you're attracted to without coming off as an opportunistic asshole. That said, if you think that friend would ever reciprocate you're attraction, you can always just keep talking with them as a friend and see what happens. Then again, if I remember correctly, you're in a relationship with someone already, which creates a whole other set of problems.

 Meanwhile, I'm still dealing with a soon-to-be ex-wife who keeps disappearing every time I don't have plans for the night. It's really pissing me off, not for my sake, but for the kids. I see them during the day because I'm their bus driver. I take them to school and pick them up afterwards. If she takes off as soon as she gets home at 6:30 every night, they only see her for about thirty minutes before they go to school and maybe around 30 minutes for the time it takes her to eat dinner and get ready to go wherever.

For instance, last night, my dad came over to give us some bed frames for the kids, since up till now they've been sleeping on mattresses on the floor. She was gone most of the time to go grocery shopping, but left again once she got back from that to supposedly "go to Target", which I knew was bullshit because she didn't come home until after I went to sleep around 11:30 and she was so tired in the morning she went back to bed before we left at 6am. Maybe it had to do with my dad being there because he tends to be a little inappropriate and outspoken and she didn't want to get into a discussion with him. I doubt that was it, though.

I just want to know what her deal is. Does she hate me that much? Is she pissed because after I took a couple weeks of ignoring her to readjust my head and my heart, I'm completely fine with it? Does she want me to be miserable in her presence? WTF is the deal here? Also, she confronted me about talking to an ex-girlfriend of mine, who I've been talking to online and on the phone because she's been married and divorced in the time since we were together. I think my wife saw her name on Facebook messenger over my shoulder and wanted to see if I'd lie about it. I didn't, though. I told her we are talking, but we're not "talking". We haven't even met face-to-face, even though she lives somewhat close by. Honestly, I'd like to see her in person again (for not completely platonic reasons, admittedly), but I'm not about to give my wife any ammunition to use in the divorce.

God, I'll be glad when this is all over.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 09, 2015, 06:48:33 AM
It sounds to me like she's being incredibly childish And avoiding talking about things because they're difficult. As such, she's enjoying the single life and simultaneously ignoring the fact that she has kids at home. I think its a little interesting that her whole thing was she wanted that suburban dream, and her way to accomplish that is to ignore the kids. She's probably doing it to an extent because she still has feelings for you. Hence why she took interest in your talking to an ex. Being around you all the time is painful. She has to accept that even though she loves you, you two want different things. And until she does that, she's just going to continue avoiding everything.

Have you tried to sit her down and talk about this again?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 09, 2015, 07:56:39 AM
It sounds to me like she's being incredibly childish And avoiding talking about things because they're difficult. As such, she's enjoying the single life and simultaneously ignoring the fact that she has kids at home. I think its a little interesting that her whole thing was she wanted that suburban dream, and her way to accomplish that is to ignore the kids. She's probably doing it to an extent because she still has feelings for you. Hence why she took interest in your talking to an ex. Being around you all the time is painful. She has to accept that even though she loves you, you two want different things. And until she does that, she's just going to continue avoiding everything.

Have you tried to sit her down and talk about this again?

We talked about some things once I had gone through my reset phase and I thought we had decided to try to work together. But she still goes out all the time, so I don't really have a chance to talk things over with her. I've been trying to come up with what to say, but I just don't know what the hell is going through her head anymore.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 09, 2015, 07:56:49 AM
Also, if I were you, I would make more "plans." Even if it just means you walk down the street and read a book for several hours. It seems like she takes advantage of the fact that you don't like going out more. Basically, you should start the week by dividing it up. You reserve the right to go out M, W, and F, and she goes out T, Th, and Sat. On Sunday you guys...um...I don't know, but hopefully you see what I am getting at.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 09, 2015, 08:10:41 AM
Also, if I were you, I would make more "plans." Even if it just means you walk down the street and read a book for several hours. It seems like she takes advantage of the fact that you don't like going out more. Basically, you should start the week by dividing it up. You reserve the right to go out M, W, and F, and she goes out T, Th, and Sat. On Sunday you guys...um...I don't know, but hopefully you see what I am getting at.

Yeah, I'm starting to see that. I was able to go to the Rifftrax Live event on Wednesday on my own because she wanted me out. She has said that she wants me to go out, but I have no friends to do anything with, so she contacts one of her friends and finds something to do. I think I might start frequenting a nearby coffeehouse just to get out. You know, buy the cheapest cup they have and nurse it for a few hours while I read or whatever.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 10, 2015, 04:28:47 PM
This weekend I've felt like it's time for me to die. I don't know why. the entire weekend I've felt terrified. Like I'm going to die. Like I need to die. awful and alone. I don't know what to do.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Johnny Unusual on May 11, 2015, 07:28:48 PM
I must admit I don't know what to do in the long term, as I don't have expertise in such things, but the best I can do is say "hang in there".  It's not a lot, I know, and not easy but I think you can do it.  You've done it before and you can do it again.  It's not a lot, I know, but I hope a little support helps.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 15, 2015, 05:48:47 AM
This isn't so much a horrible emotional crisis, just a source of sadness. I had a dream last night that my wife and I reconciled in the cliche romantic way, embracing each other and kissing as we realized how foolish we were. Then I woke up and realized that as much as a part of me wants that, I don't think either of us is going to change enough to give each other what we need. I'm not going to suddenly become ambitious and lucrative. She's not going to become affectionate and regain her lost libido. Made things awkward as hell getting ready in the morning with that image in my head, I have to say.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 16, 2015, 09:41:39 PM
Okay, here we go again. Just found out that my wife is already "talking" to someone else. I feel betrayed, in a sense, by this because she's practically ignored me physically for the past 8 years. Just icing on the rejection cake. It started by talking some things over about her being gone too much and everything was fine. Then I point-blank asked her. And she told me. And I got seriously pissed. She says that she wasn't looking and that she doesn't mind me seeing other people, either. Which is fine and dandy, now that I know. It's just that I'm not about to start dating until I get some things settled. I need to go to sleep, but I'm so upset right now that I can't. I'd probably be near suicidal if I didn't have my kids to think of. I may be a shitty father according to my wife, but I'm not about to do that to them.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 16, 2015, 10:10:02 PM
Saturday night and again I'm feeling suicidal. It's not that I want to die... its that I just don't know what else to do. I'm sober, too. All of my down times the past two months have been entirely sober, too. I'm depressed and suicidal. Nothing I do interests me anymore. I don't want to die. But I don't see other options. I hate this. I can't move past things or forget the people I've lost. Or move past them. I feel like I'm the worst and that I need to die.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 16, 2015, 10:31:08 PM
Sorry you feel that way, QV. Gotta say, I'm not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel these days, either. All you can do is find one thing to live for and hold onto it until things turn around.

In fact, right now I'm drinking just hoping it'll make me drowsy and put me to sleep. I'm so upset that I can't settle my mind enough to do it on my own.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on May 16, 2015, 11:59:23 PM
I hope you both make it through this.    People DO read this thread, and people DO care.  I wish I had great advice, but I don't. I'm just a person that stood on the edge of the abyss, and finally managed to walk back.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 19, 2015, 09:27:19 AM
You know what I'd love? To be able to take a shower without wanting to kill myself. That'd be fantastic. I can't spend any time in the bathroom, because for some reason it triggers me. More than 5 minutes in there and I think about everything that's happened, and I'm on the verge of a breakdown
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 19, 2015, 09:41:47 AM
Why is that? Is it insecurity or anxiety due to the physical aspects of transitioning? Or do you just have more time to contemplate everything in there because you can't distract yourself with other things while you're trapped in the shower?

Personally, I'm confused now whether I prefer when my wife and I are getting along or when we're fighting. Fighting is stressful and against my nature, but so is being friendly and in close proximity while purposely not showing any affection toward her. I've got 10 years of habit and my naturally affectionate inclination telling me to do one thing while my rational mind is telling me to keep my distance to avoid even more weirdness and most likely further rejection. And I've got another five months on this damn lease before I can just get away from the situation.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 19, 2015, 01:44:08 PM
I don't have any idea.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 25, 2015, 06:28:53 PM
I actually had to leave the house tonight because I *wasn't* pissed at my wife. That's the hardest tes for me. When things are fine, but I keep having to remind myself that I can't put my arm around her or show any affection anymore. While I agree that our relationship just doesn't work, it doesn't mean that my attraction to the woman I've loved with for over 9 years just disappeared when we decided to get divorced. I think tonight was the first time I've really cried over what's happened. I've felt like it at times, but it would never actually come. Maybe because I knew the kids were around and that I've trained myself not to show negative emotions around them when dealing with my depression in the past. But tonight I drove down to a nearby park in the middle of a thunderstorm and just lost it.

I feel like I'll never find anyone who will understand my introversion and depression. Now, I'm not looking for a relationship anytime soon. It's just the prospect of possibly living alone for the rest of my life because no one seems to understand my social limitations. I've never been able to discuss it with my wife because to an extrovert like her, it just sounds like I'm selfish because I never opened up to her family or friends. And I found last night that a friend that I've been talking to about my divorce (who is also an extrovert) sees it the same way. Just because I don't gush over people and keep to myself a lot doesn't mean that I don't like someone. I just don't open up to people until I've been around them for a long time. I never spent a lot of time around her family and friends, so I never felt comfortable being like that.

I know there are plenty of other introverts out there, but all I can see is rejection and being alone anymore. I need to get out of here, but I'm stuck at least for the next couple of weeks until school is out. And even then, I can go stay with my parents, but I'll still be financially beholden to the apartment. And I'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere, far away from anything to keep my mind off of things.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on May 29, 2015, 09:15:42 AM
It's been nearly three months since I lost all those friends. Each day, I think about them and miss them horribly. It's not getting better. All that's happening is me wanting to die more with each passing day. I can't shake it off, no matter how hard I try. I want to die, and I want this to be over.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 30, 2015, 10:06:19 AM
I just found out my wife is sleeping with the guy she was supposed to only be "talking" to. I was stupid and did some Facebook snooping. It's easy when she has her password saved on the computer. So I saw her talking to a friend and mentioned this guy Carl. I looked him up and saw their chat messages. Him talking about her giving him blow jobs and getting a motel together. I am so fucking mad right now. It's one thing to suspect, but to know . . . Goddammit. I texted my wife and told her I knew. We got into a fight, but just went around the same circles we always do. She claims that I was the first to let her down with not doing enough in our relationship. I say I did that because she had shut me out physically and it just goes around and around. We're supposed to talk when she gets home, but I don't know what I'm going to say. In all honesty, I still love my wife and I miss her. I've been looking on dating websites, trying to move on, but there's just not a lot of women out there who really appeal to me. And the ones who do apparently don't feel the same. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in this apartment with her. She wants me to move in with my parents, but keep paying my part of the rent and utilities on the apartment. That's not fucking happening. My parents live too far out from everyone else I know. I can't afford to isolate myself right now for that long. I'm so fucking lost and lonely right now.

UPDATE: I just realized something. Holy shit, Randy was right. Who knew?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on May 30, 2015, 10:50:17 AM
Since you have access to these messages, I would 'screen shot' or something to print out as evidence for child support or alimony if it goes to the courts..
This kind of stuff will give your side weight in court
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on May 30, 2015, 03:43:44 PM
Yup. Sue her on grounds of marital infidelity
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on May 30, 2015, 08:41:29 PM
Sue her ass. There is no excuse for cheating.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on May 30, 2015, 09:04:34 PM
UPDATE: I just realized something. Holy shit, Randy was right. Who knew?

Randy is an ass.  But, he's a smart ass. Uh, wait.... :speechless:

Jedi.  I'm sorry to hear this latest.  I thought this might happen. I've seen a lot go people go through divorce, and this happens a lot.
   
I assume you feel violated right now.  I certainly would feel that way.  I hope you will keep your kids and YOUR future in mind, as you deal with this.  To put it bluntly, don't punch her lights out.  You'll end up in prison, and she will get everything, including the kids.   

I'm not insinuating your are this type of person.  I'm just hoping your focus will remain on the kids and your and your kids' future.  Eventually, this will end and life will return to normal.  I pray you don't let a moment of emotional pain hurt your case.

Sorry, I'm horrible at wording things.  :-\
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 30, 2015, 10:27:01 PM
I can't sue her. As much as it hurts, I already knew it was over. We've already filed the petition and response as uncontested, after all. This just erased any residual doubt in my mind. If I wanted to, I could even do as my dad suggested and fight for custody of my daughter because of the infidelity. But I'm not going to. I can't bring that sort of bitterness into what is going to be a hard enough situation for the kids. If she was a vindictive bitch, then I would most likely do it, but she's not. She's always fought to keep her boys' dad in their lives, even when he hadn't paid support in years. This guy is someone she dated in high school, but had to break up with because of his issues with depression. I suppose he's got that under control now. But more importantly, he is, in all honesty, more her type. More outdoorsy and redneck. Less broody and nerd-like.

In a fit of toddler-like tantrum, I actually messaged him the sage words "fuck you" on Facebook. At first I accidentally did it from Queen B's profile. Oops. Then I did it from mine just so he knew who did it. Several hours later, after my wife and I had hashed things out, he messaged me back to say not to threaten or fuck with him. IN ALL CAPS. The guy is a genius, apparently. Anyway, I apologized for being so stupid and immature and he changed his tune and said that he wanted to keep things civil. I told him that as long as he treated her and the kids right, he wouldn't hear from me again. Goddamn, I'm surprised by my own maturity. Eventual maturity, anyway.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on May 30, 2015, 10:34:53 PM
 :clap: That was a hell of a great post, Jedi!    :highfive:   
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on May 30, 2015, 10:36:36 PM
:clap: That was a hell of a great post, Jedi!    :highfive:   

It's amazing what a glass of wine can do to quiet the clutter of your mind so you can be witty and succinct.  ;D
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 04, 2015, 07:57:45 AM
So now there's yet another wrinkle in the drama of my divorce. Well, maybe a couple more wrinkles. First, I'm moving out of the apartment and taking my name off the lease. I'll be going to live with my parents until I can find my own place. Which is fine... except for the fact that they live out in the country even further from where I want to move and where my friends are. I just have to tell myself that it's only temporary.

Now for the fun part. I mentioned before that I've been talking (as a friend) with my ex gf to help deal with the divorce. She went through one a few years back, so she could give me some insight into what to do and not to do. Well... the relationship got upgraded to friends with benefits the last time we hung out. My only problem now is that I'm not doing a very good job of reigning in my feelings. Before we met in person the first time, it was easy for me to just see her as a friend. Then I met her and all the attraction I once felt for her bitchslapped me upside the face. At that time, I was able to keep it cool and we did nothing but hang out, talk, and have fun. The last time was basically the same until the end of the night (early morning) and I lost my self control and kissed her. And she kissed me back. And it was awesome. Let me say here that this was a few days after I'd learned that my wife had completely moved on and was planning to move her bf in as soon as I move out. So I knew the marriage was well and truly dead. And then I came back over to her place between shifts the next day and we took things a little further. And it was awesome, too. So now I'm trying to get a grip on my feelings before I freak her out. Unfortunately she doesn't feel quite the way I do. She enjoys my company and appreciates the attention, but she hasn't had the flood of emotions I have. Last night she even called me out on "gushing" to her. And it's true. I'm still not looking for a serious relationship, but I couldn't help but tell her how amazing I think she is. So now I'm fighting the urge to text her even though I know she's at work. I just need to recapture my cool and everything will be fine. We can see each other when our busy lives allow and keep things simple until we know which way this will go.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 04, 2015, 09:44:58 AM
My advice would just to be to relax. You are certainly not the first guy who does this kind of thing when his relationship has just fallen apart. So don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to direct those emotions you're having to another outlet. I'd say it's likely a lot of confusion left over and feelings for your exwife. No one likes to have those feelings projected onto them. You just really need to find some outlet for those feelings so that you don't gush to your ex girlfriend
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 04, 2015, 11:41:24 AM
I really overreact to things people tell me somtimes, so after that one... letter I got, I had to talk to a lawyer about the situation to put my mind at ease... damn, I need to learn how to calm down.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 05, 2015, 07:34:05 AM
My advice would just to be to relax. You are certainly not the first guy who does this kind of thing when his relationship has just fallen apart. So don't be too hard on yourself. Just try to direct those emotions you're having to another outlet. I'd say it's likely a lot of confusion left over and feelings for your exwife. No one likes to have those feelings projected onto them. You just really need to find some outlet for those feelings so that you don't gush to your ex girlfriend

Yeah, I think I've calmed down now. While I still feel the same, I think I have a better grip on what exactly those feelings are. Some of the intensity does have to do with my volatile emotional state, but it doesn't mean it's not valid. Just need to keep it less stalkery. I went to her place last night as well to help her prepare for her sons this weekend (she's the non-custodial parent). She tends to get stressed out by everything she has on her plate as a full time luxury leasing agent and mother. I figured the least I could do was help her out after everything she's done to help me keep my own sanity. I also made sure that anything besides simple cuddling was initiated by her to make sure that I wasn't overstepping what she wanted out of our whatever-it-is-we-have. And I was pleased that she did initiate more at the end of the evening. We're keeping it on the DL until my divorce is final, though. No matter the actual situation, it looks bad in certain circles to get involved with someone who's still legally married.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 05, 2015, 01:49:49 PM
I'm finding I'm gradually letting go of the bad situation I was in... I just have a lot of fear(all of it irrational) that still refuses to let go. It's kind of weird. The situation has actually helped me become a little stronger. The whole incident should have shattered me as a person, but it didn't destroy me, and I'm thankful for that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on June 05, 2015, 06:14:11 PM
Soguru, I'm glad that you can see beyond whatever happened.  And yes, sometimes our worst difficulties become our greatest strengths in the long run, if we can make it through them.

[I just re-read that second sentence and it sounds cliche'd, but having been through very difficult times myself, I realize that I've been better able to understand and be there for others (my own capacity permitting, which, admittedly, isn't often these days).]

I'm glad you are able to start letting it go.  If you aren't already, try to allow yourself to grieve any personal loss you felt from any of it so it doesn't stay stuck.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 05, 2015, 06:31:25 PM
Soguru, I'm glad that you can see beyond whatever happened.  And yes, sometimes our worst difficulties become our greatest strengths in the long run, if we can make it through them.
[I just re-read that second sentence and it sounds cliche'd, but having been through very difficult times myself, I realize that I've been better able to understand and be there for others (my own capacity permitting, which, admittedly, isn't often these days).]
I'm glad you are able to start letting it go.  If you aren't already, try to allow yourself to grieve any personal loss you felt from any of it so it doesn't stay stuck.
Thank you Lucas. It's been very difficult. At this point, I'd also like to say if I ever do anything that offends anybody, please, send me a private message or tell me on the forum about it. The sooner, the better. I promise I won't be a jerk about it. I'll listen, and I'll say "I'm sorry, I promise I will work on that.". I just don't need anymore drama or animosity these days.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 05, 2015, 10:29:11 PM
It's been 3 months since I lost almost all of my close friends. Everyone tells me that I need to move past them and forget them and move on... but I can't. I think about them all every day. I either hate them or I love them and want them back. I spend at least half of my time wanting to die. I keep wanting to wake up.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 06, 2015, 11:38:15 PM
You know, I know some people here will always be more than happy to be your friends QV. :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 07, 2015, 06:01:28 AM
I think the worst part of my divorce is losing my best friend for the last 10 years. Our marriage was on life support for the majority of its length, but my wife and I were always friends. It's why I married her in the first place, after all. And in that capacity, I miss her. So I understand what QV and Soguru are going through. Maybe in the years to come, we'll be able to talk as friends again, since we'll be forced to keep in contact because of our daughter. Maybe not. I now understand the importance of honesty in any relationship. It was our inability to tell each other how we really felt that let to the toxicity in the marriage and its ultimate fate. So Soguru, I can understand your feelings toward honesty and the lack of it with your former friends. I hope that you, QV, and me can find friends in the future who can be more open about their thoughts with us. True friends are hard to find. Especially when you're introverted like me (and it sounds like you might be as well).
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 07, 2015, 11:41:47 AM
Yeah, I think it's best to be straightforward. If you think someone might be hurt by confronting them with something you don't like about the way they act or behave, you should still tell them anyway. I say this because is that anger over their behavior going to boil inside of you and eventually come out in the form of rage? It's still best to just tell them "Hey, we need to talk about this..." and tell them what upsets you and tell them they need to work on that. "I don't mean to upset you but I really need you to listen and work on this...this is important because we're friends and I value your friendship.". I think that's about the most delicate way you can approach the subject without putting them on the defensive.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on June 07, 2015, 03:50:05 PM
Yeah, I think it's best to be straightforward. If you think someone might be hurt by confronting them with something you don't like about the way they act or behave, you should still tell them anyway. I say this because is that anger over their behavior going to boil inside of you and eventually come out in the form of rage? It's still best to just tell them "Hey, we need to talk about this..." and tell them what upsets you and tell them they need to work on that. "I don't mean to upset you but I really need you to listen and work on this...this is important because we're friends and I value your friendship.". I think that's about the most delicate way you can approach the subject without putting them on the defensive.

But what if they are highly sensitive and tell you not to tell them things that might upset them?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 07, 2015, 04:05:25 PM
Yeah, I think it's best to be straightforward. If you think someone might be hurt by confronting them with something you don't like about the way they act or behave, you should still tell them anyway. I say this because is that anger over their behavior going to boil inside of you and eventually come out in the form of rage? It's still best to just tell them "Hey, we need to talk about this..." and tell them what upsets you and tell them they need to work on that. "I don't mean to upset you but I really need you to listen and work on this...this is important because we're friends and I value your friendship.". I think that's about the most delicate way you can approach the subject without putting them on the defensive.

But what if they are highly sensitive and tell you not to tell them things that might upset them?

Those are the people that you can never truly know or get really close to. How can there be a real connection when they can't open up to you, even if it's difficult? I've had friends like that. But I never considered them true friends. Just people who you hang out with because you're both bored.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 07, 2015, 04:14:50 PM
But what if they are highly sensitive and tell you not to tell them things that might upset them?
I think there is a line. But if something this person did hurts you in some way, I still think you should tell the person so. It's possible to approach the person delicately about it and say "I'm really hurt by this, and you need to realize it.". I don't think anybody likes criticism, but if there needs to be closure and making peace between friends, then it needs to happen anyway.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 07, 2015, 05:11:55 PM
Tonight I had a massive depressive episode because I'm 24 and completely useless. I'd practically decided to kill myself this week while my boyfriend is in England... its just kind of... I'm like, who are we kidding? I can't afford my rent. How am I ever going to be able to see him. I was talking to him about the future with each other that weve talked about so many times. Us, living together in a small house, 3 dogs (I was very insistent that there would be dogs) and three kids... but I was telling him that he could have that without me. He told me that he was terrified he'd come home from England and find out that his soul mate had killed herself. He called me his soul mate. I feel so horrible for doing this to him. I don't know how I can keep living though. I don't know what to do right now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 07, 2015, 06:45:51 PM
Don't talk like that. Just remember... if anyone takes the ultimate step they may not have to suffer anymore but everyone else will. Don't think of yourself in such a way. You're important in ways you may not imagine! I know it hurts now, but that pain will disappear someday and when that happens you'll be so happy you chose life!  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 08, 2015, 09:03:19 AM
It kills me how sure he is that we're going to get through all of these difficult things, and I just feel so powerless and hopeless. He's just gone away for a week to England, so I won't be able to see or talk  to him for that time. This morning I woke up and was really hit by the fact that I couldn't send him a text or something, because he's camping, and doesn't have his actual phone. I've really come to lean on him a lot to make it through the day. I feel like I'm missing this huge thing in my life, and it really sucks. The thing I've loved the most in the past few years has been Ein. The longest I've been separate from him was when I took a plane to visit my folks a few years ago, we left him at my aunt and uncle's. When I didn't have my little buddy to make it through the day, it was really very hard. Now I'm feeling this kind of attachment to another person and it's just harder for me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 08, 2015, 10:28:59 AM
Just hang in there. If you've got a support group or therapist, lean on them for your support, because it sounds to me like you need it now more than ever. Try not to be alone at all right now if you can help it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 08, 2015, 11:58:45 AM
I know what you mean, LC. I've felt very alone since I had to move in with my parents on Friday. And I've had to fight not to depend too heavily on my exgf/fwb for support. She had her sons this weekend and I ended up pissing her off by messaging her too much when I got into an argument with my daughter's mom. I was trying to get input on what to do since she's been there, but she was "busy with [her] own shit". She helped me, but I could tell my panicky insistence annoyed her. Now I'm forcing myself not to contact her until I know she's off work. I'm feeling really needy lately and I hate it. I don't like feeling that way. I'm a pretty independent guy normally, but this damn divorce has thrown my emotions all over the place. But yeah, I understand you, LC. All I can tell you is keep yourself distracted and do your best to power through it. That's my plan, anyway.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 09, 2015, 08:43:15 PM
Well, shit. Turns out there was a good reason why my exgf wasn't as into it as I was. She just told me that she hasn't been interested in guys ever since her divorce. She doesn't consider herself gay, but she is attracted to women. I don't know why she had sex with me in that case, though. Whatever. So now I know that it's hopeless. At least where she is now. I don't plan on ending our friendship, that would be stupid and closed-minded. Especially since she's barely told anyone about this, just a couple other close friends. I guess she felt that she needed to let me know or end up breaking my heart. I'm not at heartbreak level, but I gotta say that I'm highly upset by it. I finally reconnect with the woman of my dreams and she's playing on the other team now. Goddammit.

UPDATE: Before anyone says it, this isn't just something she's saying to let me down easy. She tried it the hard way, not telling me the truth, saying she didn't want a relationship and all of that. We talked for quite a while about it just now and I told her that if a guy is really interested, that's nothing but a challenge. She should've been honest from the beginning and I'd never expected anything more than friendship. Honestly, I think she's bi, but her divorce flipped some switch in her to where she's just not interested in men anymore. The flip could be permanent or not. That's up to her. As for why we had sex, apparently because of some issues from her childhood, she has problems saying no to men. In her mind, it's better to go along with it than say no. Which is something she definitely needs to work on and doesn't make me feel all that much better about it. But it's now out in the open and we can both just take a step back and be friends. It's all I was looking for when I contacted her, after all. The other stuff just kind of happened as we spent time together. My life is so fucking complicated lately.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 10, 2015, 07:12:33 AM
I was at the support group last night, and I don't know. Things seemed... different. Maybe it's just the people who were there, but it felt like a bunch of children. I felt so old, even though there were a couple of guys there who are older than sme. They were just talking and I found myself thinking "Oh Jesus christ, grow up." And for me it's not like I don't know some of them are having difficult times. There's a homeless guy who's been coming in lately. But he made that choice to skip out. Another person was complaining about his mother being mad that he spent his paycheck that is supposed to be used on rent on stupid shit. These people are making ridiculous choices and then complaining about them,and it just feels so childish.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on June 10, 2015, 08:14:56 AM
 :clap: I think you are getting better, LC! 

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 10, 2015, 10:33:31 PM
I've got my support group tomorrow night... I'm very happy about that. It's been two weeks since our last support group, and support group helps me so much with my life and my irrational mind. Today, I started having this monologue in my head "I am 37 today god dammit, I am getting way too fucking old to let fear rule my life. I am going to live not for myself, but for other people. I am going to work so hard to make myself a better person and help other people with their lives so they don't have to go through what I did."

You're not stupid... you're not useless... everybody's life has immense value. We all need each other in order to survive the harsh and painful world we live in. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others. Just focus on how you can make yourself, the lives of others and the world a better place so it can be happy for everyone, including yourself.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on June 11, 2015, 02:16:55 AM
I've got my support group tomorrow night... I'm very happy about that. It's been two weeks since our last support group, and support group helps me so much with my life and my irrational mind. Today, I started having this monologue in my head "I am 37 today god dammit, I am getting way too fucking old to let fear rule my life. I am going to live not for myself, but for other people. I am going to work so hard to make myself a better person and help other people with their lives so they don't have to go through what I did."

You're not stupid... you're not useless... everybody's life has immense value. We all need each other in order to survive the harsh and painful world we live in. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt others. Just focus on how you can make yourself, the lives of others and the world a better place so it can be happy for everyone, including yourself.

Soguru kun,

        You must live for yourself.  It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of human nature. Accepting that is the answer to most mental health issues.


       What people like you and I do, is fail to live for ourselves.  We are, in many ways, self-destructive.  That makes us unhappy.  And that makes us a bummer to anyone connected to us.   

A happy you will naturally be more helpful to others and more likely to bring happiness to others.  You'll also be more attractive to others.

Imagine yourself volunteering to help at some charity.  Three scenarios:

1,  You show up reasonably happy (you have appropriate feelings).

2, You show up tripping your ass off- anxiety, inner voice talking shit, etc. 

3. You're so anxious that you don't show at all, then freak out about that, hate yourself and get suicidal for a month. 
 
Which helps you the most? Which helps others the most?  Number 1, of course.

Apply that to every social interaction you have. 

The person that needs your help, respect, acceptance, understanding and patience the most is...you.  Make peace with yourself, and the world becomes a better place. 

I like that you are getting tired of feeling like this!  That's a great thing.  :)   It's pretty darn hard to get better until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 11, 2015, 06:31:52 AM
I'm getting seriously tired of social interactions. I feel like I want to take a week where I don't leave. I've been feeling weird since Bas has been gone. My mood is definitely improved, because my diet is so much better now. I'm eating less garbage and it's making me feel a lot better. But I'm also doing a lot of introspection this week, and it's getting really tiring. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm confused and I'm scared, and I know that I'm stalling myself, but I can't help it. My dreams lately have been ending with death, either me or someone I'm close to. I feel like I'm in limbo. I made that remark about othe peoples complaints in the support group seeming petty and childish, and how it's all choices we've made to get to where they are. I tried putting that frame of thinking to my own position, but there's only a few things that I can think of where I made an outrageously horrible chlice while I was out of my head, and those haven't necessarily effected my condition. I didn't choose to start having panic attacks when I leave my house. I didn't choose my former friends reactions to me wanting to work and get better. I feel like I've had no control over any thing in my life that brought me to where I am. I think that has something to do with my dream on Tuesday, where it ended with me jumping off a roof. It feels like that's the only decision I can make that has weight. :/
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 11, 2015, 07:12:25 AM
It feels like that's the only decision I can make that has weight.

It only seems that way because other decisions and actions have the illusion of being harder.

Feeling lost is horrible, don't let the thought that there is an easy way out stop you from seeing a way forward.

The more you experience the more you come to realize that most things aren't really easy or hard, it's ignoring the idea that they are too hard to try that is the difficult part.  Although it does seem like no matter how many times you look back and say "that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be", that idea of your next decision being impossible likes to raise it's ugly head again, so it's something to always work at recognizing and trying to step over.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on June 11, 2015, 12:53:19 PM
Even if a lot of things don't seem like they were your fault, they are often things you still have control over or have the power to change your perspective about. One thing I've learned is that trying to force the universe to be just and assigning blame to different parts of life is a waste of life. The trick is to find as many things in your life as possible that you can make work for you, either through action or through changing your thought process around.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 11, 2015, 10:18:17 PM
Soguru kun,
        You must live for yourself.  It's not a matter of choice, it's a matter of human nature. Accepting that is the answer to most mental health issues. The person that needs your help, respect, acceptance, understanding and patience the most is...you.  Make peace with yourself, and the world becomes a better place. I like that you are getting tired of feeling like this!  That's a great thing.  :)   It's pretty darn hard to get better until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I appreciate that Miku Fan. Thank you. I had a nice time at group tonight. It's refreshing, and I know they feel likewise that I go someplace where I can go, be honest, grow with these people and in turn help them deal with whatever they're going through. Already, they trust me so implicitly and I can't help but have a great deal of respect for that. They give me respect, I must in turn show great love and respect in turn.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 12, 2015, 06:34:44 AM
I went to sleep last night thinking about everything I've lost. I'm not in a great place right now... I feel completely worthless and horrible. Yeah, I'm alive, and I have people who love me... but I miss everything I had. I miss my former friends. Caleb had a friend over last night, and she seemed like a nice person... except she reminded me of one of my friends in particular. And so I'm torn with wanting to make a connection with another woman because that's something I'm seriously lacking in my life right now, and my memories of things that have happened.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 13, 2015, 08:56:41 PM
I just destroyed our dinner. I left it on the grill for far too long and it had been reduced to ash. I am such a fucking worthless piece of shit. i can't believe I fucked up so much.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on June 14, 2015, 06:19:36 AM
Please tell your inner Gordan Ramsey to "shut the fuck up"
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 14, 2015, 10:19:30 AM
Please tell your inner Gordan Ramsey to "shut the fuck up"

Seconded.

The hardest part of going through this divorce is the loneliness. While my marriage was shit for the majority of the time we were together, I always had someone around to make me forget just how alone I was. Right now I'm sitting at my parents' house alone because my parents went to church and my daughter went with them. So I feel the loneliness full force. I can't put on a mask for anyone. And the weight of the solitude is crushing. I've tried to keep it at bay by spending time with what friends I have, but last night my plans fell through because my friend decided she'd rather spend time with some girl she just met. I understand, in a way, because she posted a picture of them together on Facebook and the girl is hot (this is my bi exgf, by the way), but it still hurt and left me with yet another night at home after being stuck out in the country for over a week. So now I'm sitting by myself and I find myself missing my cheating, lying wife because that's all I've known for companionship for the past 10 years. And then I think about how she's with this other guy and their now sleeping together in OUR bed and it drives me insane. I just don't know what to do at this point. I know it will be better once I can get back out on my own, but right now I feel stuck and alone and miserable.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 14, 2015, 03:19:01 PM
Had a serious break down today. Called my mother because she's supporting me still, and I'm going to run short on food money this month, because my friend Matt is in town for a bit and I needed to get a little cash to cover that. She freaks out on me, tells me I'm 24 years old, and that I need to get a job. She just expects me to be perfectly fine suddenly and get all my shit together and stuff. Right now, I'm at a point that if she just dumps me like she's planning, I'll be homeless and then kill myself. That's where I'm at. Her response is basically "It's not my problem, grow up and deal with it." My mother wants me to kill myself. I sat on my bed holding my spiro and almost downed the bottle several times, even with calling my boyfriend. He eventually got me to call a crisis center.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 14, 2015, 03:33:11 PM
I'm glad he was able to talk you into getting some help. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I don't know how anyone could be so callous to their own kid, but I've seen it firsthand with my ex's family, so I know it happens. I hope your mom comes to her senses and doesn't leave you on your own. While it's best to be able to support yourself, you can't just be thrown out on the street and be expected to suddenly be able to get your ducks in a row.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 14, 2015, 04:41:17 PM
I'm glad he was able to talk you into getting some help. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I don't know how anyone could be so callous to their own kid, but I've seen it firsthand with my ex's family, so I know it happens. I hope your mom comes to her senses and doesn't leave you on your own. While it's best to be able to support yourself, you can't just be thrown out on the street and be expected to suddenly be able to get your ducks in a row.

My ability to leave the house is getting worse and worse. Going to therapy twice a week is even starting to be hard on me, and I call Bas after every session. Tomorrow I'm supposed to call 211 to get the information on housing assistance that's close by, so maybe I can get off of my mother'sfunds and receive a little bit of help making rent. I really need to cut that woman out of my life.For all the good it'll do, I also applied for a few jobs. I know that I'm not in a place where I can work, but getting away from literally the devil needs to happen, even if it kills me. I want to start trying to work on something I WANT to do, I just have no idea how to go about doing it in a way that makes me stand out: a Youtube channel. At this point in my life it's something that I really do want to do, and I really don't care that it's insanely hard to get started. That's about the only thing I can see myself doing with my life. I need something to help myself live until I can get a channel in working order, so it'll probably end up being massive stress load, but at the same time, a channel like that is something that I can definitely see myself managing, and enjoying doing. When your hobby is your job, you're getting paid for never working a day in your life.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 19, 2015, 06:02:21 AM
I went out last night. I was in a crowded bar for like 5 hours. I'm so beyond my capacity it hurts. I feel physically horrible. I slept awfully last night, and feel absolutely useless that something I used to be able to do so easily is now so damned hard for me that I don't even know if I can take Ein out this morning. Or leave my room. I feel terrifies and freaked out, and exhausted. I wish I could've stayed longer, because I was there for smash bros, and even though I got knocked out of the tourney, I should've stayed to play and practice against people better than me. Instead I was too useless and went home. Such garbage.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on June 21, 2015, 12:19:45 PM
You're not useless. :( . Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that sounds oddly hypocritical for me to say that, but it's true. I know it's hard, but you should try and get out of the house as often as you possibly can. It's good for your mood and self-esteem. Get out in the sun for a few minutes, listen to some music, do anything to try and distract yourself long enough that you forget about what was dragging you down so much. You know how much we care about you here and how much others do too!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on June 24, 2015, 10:14:09 AM
The thought of death is bouncing around in my head today. I'm frustrated and I don't know what I want to be doing. I feel confused and stuck and just lost. I hate this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on June 24, 2015, 07:53:00 PM
The thought of death is bouncing around in my head today. I'm frustrated and I don't know what I want to be doing. I feel confused and stuck and just lost. I hate this.

I know the feeling well. Feeling lost and rudderless, that is. All I can say is find something, anything to distract you until the feeling goes away. For me it used to be video games. Recently it's been marathoning Netflix. Just find something to occupy your mind until you find something to do with yourself.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 03, 2015, 04:40:23 PM
I'm not exactly in "distress" but I'm kind of feeling really weird about this... today my boyfriend basically called me Mrs. Onstwedder. It was in dutch, but still, Mevrouw Onstwedder. And its kind of like... weird, but at the same time really good? I loved it when he said it to me. I really, really did. It felt great, right, all that. But I've also been having issues with the seriousness of the relationship. It feels really fool hardy to settle down with my first boyfriend. Yet at the same time, I love him more than anyone who's ever come into my life, and really CAN see myself getting married to him in the future. I've told him it'll be about 5 years before I wanna get married, and that's true. I think it's a mistake to get married really quickly and even in your 20s. He agrees too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MSTJedi on July 03, 2015, 06:24:40 PM
I can see how that would be sweet and a little weird at the same time. And it's good to see that you don't have any need to jump into marriage. You know my feelings on the subject by now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 03, 2015, 06:28:40 PM
In addition to my other... diagnoses... I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. My doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer that seems to be working a bit better than some of the others that's actually supposed to increase my neurotransmitter activity and I'm fairly pleased with it. I'm actually not having any freaky, weird-ass side effects.

Now if only I could hook up with somebody...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 03, 2015, 06:45:33 PM
In addition to my other... diagnoses... I've also been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. My doctor prescribed a mood stabilizer that seems to be working a bit better than some of the others that's actually supposed to increase my neurotransmitter activity and I'm fairly pleased with it. I'm actually not having any freaky, weird-ass side effects.

Now if only I could hook up with somebody...

Lamectil is a fantastic mood stabilizer. A lot of the people in my support group are on it, and virtually NO ONE has negative side effects. I was on it, but since I'm not bipolar, it didn't do much for me. I'm not a fan of meds, because they never seem to work for me, but if they work for you, power to you :D. If you're wanting a hookup, I've found POF and OKCupid are pretty good for those. I know a couple people who fell in love from that, but all I ever seemed to get was guys saying "EY BAYBEE, YOU WANNA PLAY WITH MY JOYSTICK?" The joystick was their penis.

Also, definitely, Jedi. I'm almost 100% convinced that marriage in your twenties is a bad idea without a LOOOOOOONG engagement. I feel like so many people my age are rushing to get married. I'm 24, no one has ever asked me "So when are you going to find a husband and have kids?", but I still feel this massive pressure to do it, and it's really irritating. I've found a man that I love and am pretty sure that I'll marry, but not until I've had plenty of time to make sure that it's what I really want.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 12, 2015, 12:08:41 AM
Okay... I'm feeling some weird things happening. I don't know if it's because of my meds or my brain chemistry or what. I'm feeling like... real apathy. Right now, my emotions are basically summed up with the statement "I don't give a shit". Things that normally make me sad or happy or whatever I just don't care that much about anymore. What is this This weird thing I'm feeling? It's like I just don't give a damn, it's like I'm not me anymore. I was feeling so tired earlier and now all of a sudden I am completely wide awake. There's something weird going on and it's scaring me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 12, 2015, 01:07:46 AM
Sounds like an anxiety attack, to me.  In my opinion, focusing on anything BUT how you are feeling is a good idea.  You're focusing on, "something is wrong with me," and THAT, I think,  IS what's wrong with you this evening. 

Fight the inner voice!  It's a liar.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 12, 2015, 10:08:13 AM
Sounds like an anxiety attack, to me.  In my opinion, focusing on anything BUT how you are feeling is a good idea.  You're focusing on, "something is wrong with me," and THAT, I think,  IS what's wrong with you this evening. 

Fight the inner voice!  It's a liar.
It is, but this isn't so much an anxiety attack as it is the realization that my brain isn't acting like it's supposed to.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 12, 2015, 11:10:57 AM
Well, you made it through the night.  I didn't know how bad you were feeling.  Im glad you are feeling well enough to post. :)

This might be a good thing to bring up at your group meeting.  :highfive:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 12, 2015, 01:54:36 PM
Well, you made it through the night.  I didn't know how bad you were feeling.  Im glad you are feeling well enough to post. :)
This might be a good thing to bring up at your group meeting.  :highfive:
Yeah, and with my therapist too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 12, 2015, 06:53:59 PM
When will you get to talk to the doc that prescribed the new med to you?


I don't know anything about psychiatric meds other than I have really bad reactions to them.  :speechless:
So,  i can't take them.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 12, 2015, 07:59:00 PM
When will you get to talk to the doc that prescribed the new med to you?
I don't know anything about psychiatric meds other than I have really bad reactions to them.  :speechless:
So,  i can't take them.
It's going to be a few weeks, but I'm going to see my therapist Thursday. I'm in a really bad place right now and I'm just really upset over things. Today was a horrible day.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 12, 2015, 08:32:38 PM
I hate to hear it. But, I'm glad it's almost Tuesday!
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 12, 2015, 08:34:38 PM
If you're having a had reaction to meds, you need to call your psychiatrist. Bad meds can be really dangerous.

My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 12, 2015, 08:43:01 PM
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.

Well, the fact that she is trying to come up with justifications might be a positive thing.  At least some part of her realizes she was doing something wrong.  Small steps are better than no steps.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 12, 2015, 09:09:05 PM
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.

Well, the fact that she is trying to come up with justifications might be a positive thing.  At least some part of her realizes she was doing something wrong.  Small steps are better than no steps.

We had a talk tonight about how she was an awful parent and I made it clear to her that even though she did her best doesn't mean that it's ok she did horribly. But no, I'm not going to believe it. Not until I see the efforts. I've given that family a million chances. They don't actually know me. None of my family does.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 12, 2015, 09:11:26 PM
If you're having a had reaction to meds, you need to call your psychiatrist. Bad meds can be really dangerous.
I know, the way they can change the personality is pretty scary.  :speechless:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 12, 2015, 09:23:17 PM
if you're concerned about that, you can call your doctor's office before Tuesday.  Call, talk to the receptionist, say what's going on, and tell them how concerned you are. Explain that you want to know what to do.

If it gets really bad, go to an E.R.

It's possible it's a reaction.  it's possibly a temporary condition- you might feel bad for a while, then start feeling great, as you get used to it.   It's possible it's not your meds at all.    :o

Your doctor the psychiatrist should be able to determine what you should do. 

Good luck, brother. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 12, 2015, 10:35:57 PM
My mother tried to justify calling me he all day and speaking to my boyfriend via skype by saying "I call Ein a she all the time!" That was pretty fucking degrading.

Well, the fact that she is trying to come up with justifications might be a positive thing.  At least some part of her realizes she was doing something wrong.  Small steps are better than no steps.

We had a talk tonight about how she was an awful parent and I made it clear to her that even though she did her best doesn't mean that it's ok she did horribly. But no, I'm not going to believe it. Not until I see the efforts. I've given that family a million chances. They don't actually know me. None of my family does.

I did say it was a small step, and probably an subconscious one, people don't usually try to come up with excuses for their actions unless they think they've been caught doing something wrong.  This sounds different than what you've told us about in the past, more "grasping at straws"ish.  Only time will tell if she's the type to keep grasping at straws forever or might come around someday.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 13, 2015, 03:46:16 PM
Okay... this isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, but I had a coupon for something at a fast food place, and they weren't very sure they wanted to accept it, saying they've never seen one like it before. I got upset, feeling like I was being labeled or something and left, on the way to my next destination I started crying and started thinking about killing myself. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like this in  a similar situation... it just really shocks me how moody I can get and the circumstances leading to that can be very bizarre.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: dalem on July 14, 2015, 09:41:54 PM
Okay... this isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, but I had a coupon for something at a fast food place, and they weren't very sure they wanted to accept it, saying they've never seen one like it before. I got upset, feeling like I was being labeled or something and left, on the way to my next destination I started crying and started thinking about killing myself. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like this in  a similar situation... it just really shocks me how moody I can get and the circumstances leading to that can be very bizarre.

I don't know you and have never commented on anything like this.  But you should really talk to someone about this kind of thing.  It might not help right away, but if you're hurting that badly, you need to know there are folks who want to talk to you about this kind of thing.

-dale
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 14, 2015, 11:22:51 PM
I don't know you and have never commented on anything like this.  But you should really talk to someone about this kind of thing.  It might not help right away, but if you're hurting that badly, you need to know there are folks who want to talk to you about this kind of thing.
-dale
Don't worry, I do, on a regular basis. I've called the help line several times over the past few weeks, plus I always tell my therapist what's going on in my head, as well as my doctor and my support group.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 01:38:49 PM
Soforu!   You're leaving us in suspense!   What did they say about your mood swings?  Do they think it's your medicine?  Make an appointment with your prescribing doctor?   And did you try talking to the llllllladies in the group??   How did it go?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 15, 2015, 02:07:14 PM
Soguru!   You're leaving us in suspense!   What did they say about your mood swings?  Do they think it's your medicine?  Make an appointment with your prescribing doctor?   And did you try talking to the llllllladies in the group??   How did it go?
I'm still on my mood stabilizer but I have to be careful with the damn thing because it can swing me too far the other way too and shake me into emotional apathy and that makes me scared too. I don't see my therapist and support group until Thursdays now.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 02:13:10 PM
Ah, OK.  I hope it's a temporary thing, and hope the meds help you.  I had to deal with my problems without meds, because I have bad reactions, every time.  It can be done without meds, but you still suffer a lot while going through therapy, which was a total pain.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 15, 2015, 02:15:24 PM
Ah, OK.  I hope it's a temporary thing, and hope the meds help you.  I had to deal with my problems without meds, because I have bad reactions, every time.  It can be done without meds, but you still suffer a lot while going through therapy, which was a total pain.
It's working out better than a lot of other meds I've tried before. I am doing good in therapy, but I especially enjoy my support group. Unfortunately most of the women in group are already married or taken in some other fashion. That's okay, they're wonderful people and they're so good to me and I owe them for trusting me, seeing as I am the only guy in the group.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 02:25:39 PM
NOOOOOO!  Don't date anyone in your support group!  Bad idea!   They are dealing with intense issues themselves, and  are  currently "unstable," themselves.   

If you want to date someone, date someone who is finished with therapy. Or at least, NOT in your group.   


therapy only works if the people doing therapy with you don't have a personal relationship with you. (family/marriage therapy is the exception to that).   If you have a personal relationship with one of these people, it will interfere with the progress BOTH of you are making. 

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 02:32:22 PM
Okay... this isn't the first time this kind of thing happened, but I had a coupon for something at a fast food place, and they weren't very sure they wanted to accept it, saying they've never seen one like it before. I got upset, feeling like I was being labeled or something and left, on the way to my next destination I started crying and started thinking about killing myself. Like I said, this isn't the first time I've had thoughts like this in  a similar situation... it just really shocks me how moody I can get and the circumstances leading to that can be very bizarre.

It's weird (interesting) how that works.  Had I been in your situation, when I was in therapy,  I would have reacted with anger and felt I was being mistreated.  Most likely, I would have thought they were all idiots, who weren't properly trained. Maye our reactions are based on the type of illness with suffer?

Another weird/interesting thing:  I can't bring myself to use coupons or even loyalty cards. Can't do it at all.  I wonder how much money I could have saved, if I bothered to use those.  :o
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 15, 2015, 03:01:14 PM
Another weird/interesting thing:  I can't bring myself to use coupons or even loyalty cards. Can't do it at all.  I wonder how much money I could have saved, if I bothered to use those.  :o
The way I see it, as long as they're legit, take whatever advantage you can. They're basically just gift cards, so always feel free to use them.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 03:39:10 PM
Of course!  I was trying to say, that's one of those things I'm "mental" about.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on July 15, 2015, 06:09:22 PM
NOOOOOO!  Don't date anyone in your support group!  Bad idea!   They are dealing with intense issues themselves, and  are  currently "unstable," themselves.   

If you want to date someone, date someone who is finished with therapy. Or at least, NOT in your group.   


therapy only works if the people doing therapy with you don't have a personal relationship with you. (family/marriage therapy is the exception to that).   If you have a personal relationship with one of these people, it will interfere with the progress BOTH of you are making.


HA! No one listens to that. Bloody savages.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 15, 2015, 06:21:39 PM
HA! No one listens to that. Bloody savages.
What do you mean?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 15, 2015, 09:29:14 PM
Today is the day that 5 years ago I was in a mental hospital of my own volition for suicidal thoughts. Upon immediately deciding it was a poor idea, I came home on the 16th. That night I had a massive psychotic breakdown that ruined one of the most important friendships of my life. I'm really fighting to keep my head above water right now. Today was good, I spent a large portion of it with Bas, we watched Mulan together over skype because it's one of my favorite movies, and had some intimate time as well. It helped, but things were complicated when I began thinking of all the people who hate me now and want me gone, on top of the stuff from 5 years back. I don't want to sleep because of the dreams I might have. I want to do everything I can to avoid it... but I need sleep tonight. I'm fighting myself at every opportunity to not think of all of those people.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 15, 2015, 09:47:08 PM
LC, it sounds a lot like post traumatic stress, as well as some other things you've mentioned in the past, have you talked to anyone about treatment for that?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 15, 2015, 10:29:37 PM
No one has ever said anything about it being or sounding like ptsd to me. I haven't talked to anyone about it.

I want to mail them... I want them back so bad. I miss them. I'll take all the blame I'll do anything. I can't do this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Miku Fan on July 15, 2015, 10:49:14 PM
Don't count anniversaries of that type.   It's just one more thing that your inner voice can torture you over.  Unless- you consider the positive things accomplished since that time!   

Surely, you are at least in a little better shape now, than back then.  For one thing, you don't need to be an inpatient right now.  Here, on the forum, you are liked and respected. People care about you. Of course, that's not the same as physical friends.  But, it is STILL a reflection of how people react to you.

I've said this before, to someone:  I lost all but one of my friends, when I was really down.  Lost all of my family, too.

All of my family accepted me back, gladly.  And almost all of my friends came back, too.

When you are able to feel happy when you are alone and looking in a mirror, you will get back almost everything you lost.  And you will get back the most important thing you lost: Your self-esteem.  Loosing that cost you all the other things you lost.

Also. you will find more people that will want to be your friends.

People avoid you because they do not know how to handle other people's mental illnesses.  Often, that is because they themselves have a type of mental illness, usually, neurosis.

As you learn to respect yourself, and accept yourself, others will in turn respect and accept you.  And you will be able to respect and accept those who have caused you pain...even though some of them may continue to be a pain.  You, at least, will know how to cope with their flaws, even if they can't cope with yours.

Dreams are GREAT!  And you can influence at least some of them.  When you go to bed, focus on something positive, whether it is real or imaginary.  Focus on a pleasing color, or perhaps focus on what you want your life to be like.  Anything that lessens your anxiety or depression.  Focus on it, meditate on it, and as you fall asleep, that subject will possibly enter your dreams.

It may take some time to learn to do this, but it works, it works great for me!

I never have nightmares and never have depressing dreams.  No matter how bad things go in my life, the dreamworld is always a good thing for me, because I used to focus on positive things before going to sleep. Now, positive dreams are normal, and I don't have to focus on anything before going to sleep.  Positive dreams come naturally to me, every time I dream.  And that's wonderful.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 15, 2015, 11:19:43 PM
No one has ever said anything about it being or sounding like ptsd to me. I haven't talked to anyone about it.

It might not be full blown ptsd, but it sounds like you are reacting to past events as if they just happened, so treatment for ptsd might help things like this fade with time and allow you to move on from them.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on July 16, 2015, 06:09:17 AM
HA! No one listens to that. Bloody savages.
What do you mean?

I mean that I HATE it when people who meet in a support group start dating and, to date, it has happened 4 TIMES (and those were just in my support groups). I ended up losing two friends because they started dating each other and then I was the third wheel (story of my life). I also know someone who worked for a rehab facility and then started dating a patient (I had to block her on FB because I was so sick of seeing her hypocrisy).

Every therapist will tell you it's a bad idea to date someone you meet in a support group, but no one listens to or cares, they just date each other anyway. Bunch of bloody savages.

/end rant
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 16, 2015, 07:06:07 AM
Been up for an hour, spent 5 bucks I shouldn't have and am already crying and wanting to die. Today is going to go fantastically. I feel completely disconnected from everything
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 16, 2015, 10:34:43 AM
I mean that I HATE it when people who meet in a support group start dating and, to date, it has happened 4 TIMES (and those were just in my support groups). I ended up losing two friends because they started dating each other and then I was the third wheel (story of my life). I also know someone who worked for a rehab facility and then started dating a patient (I had to block her on FB because I was so sick of seeing her hypocrisy).

Every therapist will tell you it's a bad idea to date someone you meet in a support group, but no one listens to or cares, they just date each other anyway.
Ahhh. Yes, I agree with you. It probably is a very bad idea. I think people believe because other people who are like them because they're in a support group too that they'll finally find love or something. It can also make group sessions very awkward I imagine. I don't like feeling like a third wheel either. I've had that before and it always bothers the hell out of me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 17, 2015, 09:53:58 PM
Who the fuck am I kidding? Seriously. I'll never be able to work. I can't do anything. I'm absolutely worthless, pathetic, useless. My being alive is a drain on everyone around me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I'm trash garbage useless. I'll never do anything. I'll never be anyone. I'll always be this broken useless piece of trash. I can't do this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 17, 2015, 10:47:28 PM
Who the fuck am I kidding? Seriously. I'll never be able to work. I can't do anything. I'm absolutely worthless, pathetic, useless. My being alive is a drain on everyone around me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I can't do this. I just can't do this. I'm trash garbage useless. I'll never do anything. I'll never be anyone. I'll always be this broken useless piece of trash. I can't do this.
HEY... Come on. YOU ARE NOT USELESS. You are important not just to the people you know in real life, but you're important to people on this forum too. Seeing your posts makes me very happy, and I'm sure it makes a lot of other people here happy too. You are valued here, where you are, and to everyone who knows you. Stop beating yourself up and stop being so down on yourself! It's not good for you to be channeling this negative energy, because you deserve so much better! You owe yourself so much better and more!!! Remember that!  :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 19, 2015, 08:34:09 AM
Went to the store yesterday after taking allergy meds. Horrible idea. I was shaking the entire time, I had no energy, I was exhausted and I barely managed to make it out of there without having a meltdown. Bas was on skype with me while I did that, and I feel horrible because I'm at the end of my rope and I snap, and end up getting mad at him and yelling at him when he's trying to make me feel better. Our relationship ship is on really rocky grounds lately, and I hate myself for doing that to him. On top of that, I completely stepped away and shut off my phone after we had a huge discussion about whether or not things should be over because I don't know if I can take hurting him like that any more and told him I didn't think we were getting anywhere and we should talk about it today. Last night I did a ton of thinking and I still don't know what to do. I can't imagine my life without him. He's been there so much for me and given me so much strength, but I'm such a shitty horrible person that I keep hurting him like this, and I hate myself for it. I want to stay with him, but I can't decide if it's better for his sake if we just let this go. And i don't want to lose him.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 19, 2015, 11:57:26 AM
He's been there so much for me and given me so much strength, but I'm such a shitty horrible person that I keep hurting him like this, and I hate myself for it. I want to stay with him, but I can't decide if it's better for his sake if we just let this go. And i don't want to lose him.
I'm of the school of thought that it's best to try and let things go, but I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. If you need to talk to him about it and express your feelings about things, don't be afraid to do so. Just remember, you know yourself and him better than the rest of us, so maybe if you relax and meditate on things for a while the right answer for you will eventually come.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 19, 2015, 08:30:48 PM
We're staying together. I just really have to watch my paranoia and depression. It wasn't my being upset with him yesterday that hurt, it was that I was so sure he would just up and leave me. I'm conditioned at this point to think that everyone I love will leave me, so it's kind of understandable, but it's not ok. I've told him that I get like that he should tell me, and step away from things. It's not fair to him for me to hurt him like that. I can't let him go, either. I've been with him through too much. And at this point, I literally don't see a future for myself without him.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: soguru on July 19, 2015, 11:29:53 PM
You'll do great. :) best of luck to you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on July 23, 2015, 09:43:09 AM
This happens so often, I have it marked in my calendar, but the week before my period, I always get super depressed. For no raison. It makes me want to stab my brain with a q-tip. Stupid chemicals and hormones and nuero-pathways.  :grr:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on July 24, 2015, 11:16:34 PM
I was browsing my boyfriend's Facebook friendslist for his relatives so that I could be creepy and stalk them a bit, because I love him and want to become closer to him and his family, when I saw that he was still friends on there with some of the people who, to put it quite simply, aren't my friends any more. I wasn't upset at him or anything, but it kind of hit me, and made me really depressed. I semi fought out of it, but it really ruined the whole mood of the night, which had been great. We actually made first step plans for him coming up sometime this fall, and staying with me for nearly a month, which I really hope happens. They're not FINAL, but I've told him that I need to see him before the end of the year. It's gonna be tough on me if I don't get that, and I really think that having him around for a while would actually be REALLY good for me. I don't know how to explain it, but I feel like things would be a bit more... I don't know. Brighter? My emotions are all jumbled up and I'm just really stressed and tangled, and I feel like he'd be great to help me unwind.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on August 17, 2015, 10:45:10 PM
Today was stressful. I woke up, had gained weight. Wrote it off, was planning to have a movie date with Bas. We ate lunch/dinner, and got started on the movie. I wanted something goofy and light, so we watched Kung Fu Hustle. We downloaded the same torrent, but for some reason the subtitles wouldn't work for me. I tried multiple ways to get it set up. I was set off. I was extremely frustrated that everything seems to screw me over for no reason, especially when it's not important. Eventually I download a good program (fuck VLC), and we get the movie started. 10 minutes in, my Internet dies. My roommate apparently neglected to pay his half of the Internet bill this past month, and didn't tell me. I lost it. I collapsed and started crying and yelling and furious that my plans for the day were ruined, when I really needed it, since yesterday I was dangerously close to suicidal thoughts. I went to the kitchen and got a knife, I wanted to cut myself or do anything. I don't know. Bas called me on skype on my phone.

I hate everything. I hate that I can't control this right now. I feel so awful and useless and horrible and all I do is hurt him. I hate myself. The knife is still in my desk, and I sharpened it quite a bit this afternoon. The roommate did pay his part and apologize... but I'm still pissed. I hate everything about my useless life. I still don't know what I'm doing or why I shouldn't just down my medicine cabinet.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 01, 2016, 05:19:56 PM
Why does he hate me? I still love him so much. I can't do this. He's the sweetest most amazing person and I still love him and I can';t doing this
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: anais.butterfly on March 02, 2016, 01:53:19 PM
Why does he hate me? I still love him so much. I can't do this. He's the sweetest most amazing person and I still love him and I can';t doing this

He sounds like an ass to me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on March 02, 2016, 01:55:11 PM
Is this someone new or the previous crapbag?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quantum Vagina on March 02, 2016, 02:20:06 PM
My ex. And he's not an ass.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: ScottotD on March 02, 2016, 07:51:31 PM
Crying in therapy achievement unlocked  :D
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Darth Geek on March 15, 2016, 07:43:28 PM
http://www.upworthy.com/an-autistic-man-made-an-app-to-help-people-help-him-during-panic-attacks?c=sr1&sr_source=lift_facebook

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on July 02, 2016, 04:04:34 PM
I guess it's time I post here.. :-\
I've made a mention in other threads that my wife and I went to Mexico for the last 2 1/2 weeks of June and for several months she had been complaining about abdominal pains but never got it checked out till this past trip.
While there, she was checked by 3 different doctors and the diagnosis ranged from minor to major issues like a hernia, a hormone imbalance, and a 7cm cyst on one of her ovaries. All of which are treatable in Mexico.
But then she calls me today and the cyst may actually in fact be a tumor and a cancerous one at that! So now we've gone from minor to major to Serious health issues that she's got and I'm trying to hold it together but suddenly I find myself at a cross-roads of 'What If's' and I'm just losing it! :scared:
She hasn't seen a doctor in 2 years because she says she didn't have the time, or the money, or she'd make up some other lame ass excuse and I'm livid at her saying as often as we go to Mexico, Why in the Hell didn't you go see your doctor on a regular basis?! She's had every opportunity to go and get these issues discovered early and probably gotten them treated before it came to this level of seriousness!
Now it's pretty much guaranteed she will need a hysterectomy as well as chemotherapy in the hopes of conquering this cancer in time but as it sounds, the chances are currently 50/50 until the operation happens and they see more of what's going on..
My parent's throw their annual 4th of July party on Monday at their place on the lake and a long time family friend passed away on my birthday (June 17) of cancer and their family is still planning to attend the party and it's going to take every ounce of energy to keep from losing it or breaking down as they ask me 'Where's your wife?" and I have to explain the current state of her situation..
This is totally crazy because I just evicted a psycho ex friend off my property the end of May, really looked forward to going to Mexico to unwind from the 8 months of stress I had to deal with from him, to coming home alone and hearing that my wife may actually have cancer and could be fighting for her life now!
Unfucking Believable! I am literally dumbfounded  :speechless:
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 02, 2016, 04:41:35 PM
Well that sucks.  Sorry to hear all that.

Did they do a CA-125 blood test?  While not a foolproof test for ovarian cancer, if it's negative at least there's a chance it's not cancer.

Is she having the operation to remove what ever the thing is right away?  While 7cm isn't really big if it grows more and into other organs that makes it harder to remove.  And if it is cancer and growing into other organs makes it harder to get it all out cleanly.

Is the chemo available in Mexico the same as in the US?  There are much better chemo drugs now than even a few years ago, so even if it's cancer there better chance these days of beating it, very good if the tumor can be removed cleanly without spreading any cells anywhere else.

As for breaking down in front of people, under the circumstances just let it happen if it does, trying to keep it all in just eats you up inside, and telling others what is going on helps you to deal with it.

Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on July 02, 2016, 04:58:32 PM
Well that sucks.  Sorry to hear all that.

Did they do a CA-125 blood test?  While not a foolproof test for ovarian cancer, if it's negative at least there's a chance it's not cancer.
Not sure. She's currently at the doctor's office to find out more info.
Quote
Is she having the operation to remove what ever the thing is right away?  While 7cm isn't really big if it grows more and into other organs that makes it harder to remove.  And if it is cancer and growing into other organs makes it harder to get it all out cleanly.
I believe so. again the translation isn't too clear on this so I'm awaiting more info on that.
Quote
Is the chemo available in Mexico the same as in the US?  There are much better chemo drugs now than even a few years ago, so even if it's cancer there better chance these days of beating it, very good if the tumor can be removed cleanly without spreading any cells anywhere else.
From what I understand, it's equivalent to what the U.S. has technology wise so yeah that sounds hopeful.
Quote
As for breaking down in front of people, under the circumstances just let it happen if it does, trying to keep it all in just eats you up inside, and telling others what is going on helps you to deal with it.
Yeah I'm gonna try to down play the situation for the time being, even not mentioning the severity yet to my parents until after the holiday and when I have more information from her.

I want to watch something on my computer (a movie or Star trek) but not sure it will keep me distracted enough to dwell on the situation :-[
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 02, 2016, 06:41:17 PM
I want to watch something on my computer (a movie or Star trek) but not sure it will keep me distracted enough to dwell on the situation :-[

Do you have Netflix or Amazon Prime?  Half hour shows are the way to go.  Last 3 weeks I've been binging on shows I wouldn't normally, for some reason I watched a ton of Everybody Loves Ramond.  Just jumping around the seasons randomly watching episodes, sometimes jumping to another episode half way through one, streaming is way better than channel surfing regular TV, no commercials and you are in control.   I guess I needed a fake family show, now that I'm the only one left.

Oh, and try not to eat too much, I just got back from Target, spent $150 on food, I was down to nothing at all, but still, looks like the 10 pounds I lost in the last 3 and a half weeks might go back on this week...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on July 02, 2016, 07:03:34 PM
I want to watch something on my computer (a movie or Star trek) but not sure it will keep me distracted enough to dwell on the situation :-[

Do you have Netflix or Amazon Prime?  Half hour shows are the way to go.  Last 3 weeks I've been binging on shows I wouldn't normally, for some reason I watched a ton of Everybody Loves Ramond.  Just jumping around the seasons randomly watching episodes, sometimes jumping to another episode half way through one, streaming is way better than channel surfing regular TV, no commercials and you are in control.   I guess I needed a fake family show, now that I'm the only one left.

Oh, and try not to eat too much, I just got back from Target, spent $150 on food, I was down to nothing at all, but still, looks like the 10 pounds I lost in the last 3 and a half weeks might go back on this week...
No, neither. Too tight on funds.
I'm just selecting some TNG episodes at random.. It seems to be working.

Yeah I'm low on food as well. Waiting till after the 4th to do some shopping.. I might get some left overs from my parents to bring home so that'll be nice :)
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 02, 2016, 08:41:25 PM

I'm just selecting some TNG episodes at random.. It seems to be working.


I watched some Quark heavy episodes of DS9, some of those are good for a laugh.

Then tonight I watched Time's Orphan because I didn't remember ever seeing it before, that was not a good choice, kind of depressing until the very end.  Now I don't feel like watching anything, guess I'll read on my Kindle for a while, bunch of books on there I've been meaning to get to for ages...
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on July 03, 2016, 04:29:13 AM

I'm just selecting some TNG episodes at random.. It seems to be working.


I watched some Quark heavy episodes of DS9, some of those are good for a laugh.

Then tonight I watched Time's Orphan because I didn't remember ever seeing it before, that was not a good choice, kind of depressing until the very end.  Now I don't feel like watching anything, guess I'll read on my Kindle for a while, bunch of books on there I've been meaning to get to for ages...
That's what I may do as well.. Star Trek episodes (as many times as I've watched them) seem to put my mind at ease.

She called last night around 11:30pm but I was already in bed cause I have to go to our Charlotte office and move everything out of there from 9 - 10am..
Yeah this could be fun as the store owner doesn't really know me and I'm gonna come in to dismantle everything and move it out ASAP and the last thing I need is them asking me 'Who are you??' or 'Where's your wife?' :-[
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pastor of Muppets on May 11, 2019, 07:44:52 AM
Hi everyone.

I know I'm kind of a lurker here and I've not posted a lot of personal stuff.  I thought I saw this thread lying around and I swore it was more active than this.

So I think I'm stuck with an abusive roommate.  I don't know if I'm being melodramatic in saying that.  It feels especially wrong because I'm a man with a steady job and a good paycheck, my roommate gets nothing but $780 a month from social security and some other benefits.  Linda started out as a friend, and then we grew closer, and then we moved in together.  It's not a romantic thing.  Just something I thought would be a good idea but is turning out not to be.

I don't know where exactly it started to go south.  I moved up here to Round Lake, IL at the end of March. We signed a 2 year lease on a rental house starting April 1st.  Some red flags started to pop up.  For the first two weeks of April, we were living in her father's house while we got the house ready.  Things were okay I guess but then one night when, after work, I scurried to pack up her things.  I worked hard to do everything I asked, then fell asleep.  I woke up with a stern lecture about several mistakes I had made.  I left a light on, I think I forgot to throw something away.  I mean, little mistakes and she didn't raise her voice but I took it really hard.

Two Sundays ago we had a fight.  I tried to hide some vertical blinds she had accidentally stolen from Walmart which she was trying to return to the same Walmart.  This got her furiously angry at me for stealing from her.  I dunno, maybe I "drew first blood" so to speak, but her response was so vicious and overwhelming.  She was screaming at the top of her lungs, doing everything she could to hurt me.  Pulling out all the guns.  Calling me a thief and a liar and a manipulator.  The following 4 days weren't much better.  She'd fly into a rage if I tried to speak to her and generally gave me the silent treatment.

It was really terrifying.  Maybe because where I come from people don't get that furious.  When that started, I called our landlady to ask if there was any way for me to get out of this lease so I could move away.  Linda found out and said "Our business stays between us.  You don't call the landlady or your family or the police.  Be a man."  Later she demanded I apologize to the landlady for dragging her into this and that I tell her that everything was my fault.

Things cooled down on that Friday, but I tried to tell her that it's not right to talk to people the way she talked to me.  She just said "That was nothing.  You got a dick and balls.  Be a man.  You're acting like a 12 year old boy."

So that blew over.  We had about 5 good days.  On Wednesday and Thursday of this week we were our old happy selves, from when the relationship was new.  At some point in that interstitial period, she never tried to apologize and say it wouldn't happen again.  She said that our fight was nothing and that in the future they might be worse.  She might throw things at me.

Then yesterday we had another fight.

It started because I bought an electric plug in lawnmower.  She laughed at me for buying that and scolded me for not consulting her on a major purchase.  Then she was gone for a few hours and I cut the front lawn.  I did a thorough job, but instead of saying "thanks for mowing the lawn", she just said "You said you know how to mow a lawn and you clearly don't.  Look at all those patches you missed."  Then she started scolding me for being weak, and how she feels like she has to treat me like a child.  Then at some point she called me a liar because "you said you know how to cut grass and you don't.  LIE."  and "You said you would put the claw caps on the cats so they wouldn't scratch the furniture.  Why didn't you do that yet?  LIAR."

It's hard to describe.  She's really strict and hypercritical.  I'm constantly worried that no matter what I do, I will miss something and draw her anger.  Like there was a piece of trash on the floor and she yelled at me for not picking up after myself.  Called me lazy.  If there are dirty dishes she will always scold me for not doing them, even if I just haven't gotten around to it yet because they've only been in there for a few hours.

I don't know.  Do I sound like I'm exaggerating?  I'm miserable.  The twist, like I said, is that I make all the money and pay the bills.  I have the resources to move out, even though that would be a pain in the neck.  I'm not sure if I can though.  The landlady said that I can give notice of intent to vacate, forfeit the security deposit, and move so she has time to get new tenants.  But that leaves Linda.  If she doesn't leave, she can't afford the rent.  She'll get evicted and that will go on my credit report and ruin me.  I don't know what to do.  I can't keep this up for 2 years. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on May 11, 2019, 09:23:32 AM
Quote
I tried to hide some vertical blinds she had accidentally stolen from Walmart which she was trying to return to the same Walmart.
This isn't the same one that was in prison recently is it?

She sounds a lot like my boss at work.. Control freak, micromanager, bipolar, etc.
Whatever her problem is, it sounds like she has something mental going on and you have to walk on egg shells when she's around..
You may have no choice but to take a hit on your credit just to get out of this misery :-\
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on May 11, 2019, 01:36:00 PM
Quote
I don't know.  Do I sound like I'm exaggerating?

No. She's not ready for this. Her priorities are ridiculous, and you're at the bottom. I can't really help you with the how, but find out how to get out of there.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on May 11, 2019, 01:55:47 PM
That sounds like a horrible way to live, sounds like she needs to get help.

We had someone like that at work years ago, would fly into a rage if the smallest thing was not done her way.  So bad I once saw her go ballistic because someone moved a brush from one side of the sink to the other.  She was constantly making the secretaries cry.  Only thing that got her out of the department was when she started acting like that to the students and the parents started complaining.  Many people tried to befriend her and get her into therapy, nothing worked, she just kept repeating that people simply needed to get used to the way she was and there was nothing wrong with how she behaved.

So, if you can't get her to get help, you've got to find a way out of the situation.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on May 25, 2019, 01:30:34 AM
Three weeks ago, my fiancee and I decided getting married wasnt for us. Then she breaks up with me. 2.5 years, gone. one the plus side, we're managing to stay friends, and thats amazing and fantastic.

Two weeks ago, the girl I'd been seeing for a month or so decided that "I was too serious and she wanted something more casual, so we shouldn't see each other anymore." Fine, i get it. I made it clear up front that i wanted a serious committed relationship, and then the past week you just basically ghosted me, so i expected it, but it still fucking hurt.

(FYI, me and my fiancee were poly, so she was all aware of everything, and the other girl was too.)

Today, I got a letter from the district courthouse. I'm being sued by a medical debt collector over a colonoscopy that should have been covered through insurance, but wasnt because last May i went through a legal name change. When i tried to update my name on my insurance, they said they had to go through the marketplace. When i tried to go through the marketplace, they said that i would have to reapply for insurance, and since my mother had done it all for the whole family, it would leave three of us uninsured until my sister got her medicaid denial, because they wouldn't let her buy through the marketplace becayse she was supposedly eligble for medicaid, which she wasn't. Anyway, the hospital sends in the billing request under my new legal name, but since the insurance company had another name, they didn't pay out. Now I'm getting sued, and theyre probably going to garnish my wages which is GREAT, because I already live paycheck to paycheck.

I'm done. im just done giving a shit what happens in my life. drugs, sex, sure bring them on. my life sucks anyway, may as well have a reasonable excuse. i dont think ive been this suicidal in a long time, or at least cared so little about what happened to me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pastor of Muppets on May 25, 2019, 04:43:38 AM
Ugh that's awful.  Everything about medical insurance and medical payment is so convoluted.  I wish I had better practical advice on that, but all I can think of is declaring bankruptcy.  Maybe you can hop over to Quora.com and ask around for advice.  There's a lot of smart helpful people over there.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Pastor of Muppets on May 25, 2019, 04:53:55 AM
My situation with my roommate has improved a lot.  Eventually, things cooled down and we were able to talk it out.  I was especially encouraged to find out that she found the fights just as upsetting as I did.  A major thing that had me worried was that I thought she thrived on this kind of conflict while it terrified and exhausted me.  She also admitted she's been feeling a huge amount of stress from caring for her sick father.  Her father is very picky and hostile and demanding in  the same way she was.

We've been getting along great for the past 13 days.  I'm doing better with some of my bad habits (leaving unwashed dishes in the sink, failing to clean the cat box, failing to take out the trash, and slamming doors).  She's showing a lot more patience, and when she does want to correct me on something she says it in a much nicer and constructive way.  To answer a question RVR posted earlier, this is indeed the friend of mine who got out of prison back in October.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on May 25, 2019, 12:23:35 PM
Add flashbacks to my time in Washington triggered by abusive roleplay in a game, cool
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Lunquewill on May 26, 2019, 07:28:57 PM
Quote
Today, I got a letter from the district courthouse. I'm being sued by a medical debt collector over a colonoscopy that should have been covered through insurance, but wasnt because last May i went through a legal name change.

Chances are good that medical provider never knew about your name change complication and just handed your bill to a debt collector when your insurance declined payment. Debt collectors, being what they are, will chase you as long as needed to recover that money. The medical provider probably received some payment, usually a fraction of the total, from the collector for your bill, so they've washed their hands of it. Since this collector has filed a lawsuit, you best option is probably to find an attorney who handles cases for these types of situations. It means more expense, but if you do nothing, then that collector will continue to chase you until all of that bill is collected. Certainly try to communicate directly with the collector, sometimes meeting the person can change these situations, though complete debt forgiveness is rare.

Be sure to act, whatever you do! Time is of the essence when dealing this these debt problems.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on June 08, 2019, 04:04:25 AM
I've... got a new problem that's actually kind of scaring me. The last four days I've only been sleeping every other day. Monday night I didn't sleep at all. Tuesday night I slept like a log. Wednesday night I didn't sleep at all. Thursday night I slept like 8 hours. Friday night... here it is and I can't sleep at all. I even took some sleeping pills and... it's a little after 5 AM and no hope for sleep in sight.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 08, 2019, 08:53:17 AM
Those cycles of sleep then no sleep used to happen to me all the time, usually what would kick it off would be sleeping too late one morning or sleeping more than 8 hours total in one night, I've had insomnia all my life so it was just something I got used to and after a few cycles it would just resolve itself.

Since I quit caffeine a few years ago I haven't had a bad cycle like that, worst I've encountered since has been only a few hours sleep the night after too much sleep the previous night.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: wihogfan on June 08, 2019, 09:47:31 AM
I can't sleep past 8 AM. Started about 2 years ago. Always had a weird sleep cycle and insomnia but would sleep in on the weekends to make up for lack of sleep during week. Just can't sleep past 8 AM anymore though. And usually 1 night a week I don't sleep at all and then range from 4 to 8 hours other nights. Should probably try giving up caffeine and see if that helps.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on June 08, 2019, 01:41:32 PM
Should probably try giving up caffeine and see if that helps.

It takes about 3 to 4 weeks for your body to adjust to no caffeine.  I was only drinking a few cups of tea a day and had bad headaches for the first week, then mild ones in week 2, I hear it can be really brutal for people that drink a lot of coffee or soda.

I did it because of my insomnia, it was getting so bad I was almost never able to fall asleep before 2am.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on June 20, 2019, 07:03:54 PM
I'm unraveling completely.

I'm in the hospital again, alone. I've been in and out of the hospital for over a decade now, but lately it's been torture. Last admission, I ended up curled up under the sink at one point. I can't bring myself to work, play games, anything. I feel pointless most of the time outside the hospital, but in here the feeling consumes me.

And now I read this thread about America's concentration camps (https://twitter.com/ECMcLaughlin/status/1139192167501484033). What the hell am I going to do about this? The 115 pound man with a severe, progressive lung disease in the hospital? How am I going to live with myself if I don't do anything? My brain wants to delete this knowledge, and my surroundings are making that very easy. Nurses just go about their day. Nothing is different. I'm fighting as hard as I can not to slip into denial, but I don't know how I can possibly stay sane if I don't.

I need therapy. Badly. Have for a long time. Can't get any in here.

I need my spirits high and my strength up to do my treatments the best I can, because they are not passive and I have to actually DO them for them to be effective. I have nothing left, physically or emotionally, and mentally I'm just broken.

I don't want to post about this here, but I have nowhere else. As pathetic as it is, seeing as I almost never post here, this is the closest thing I have to a community.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on June 20, 2019, 07:46:41 PM
A really good therapist in Colorado Springs is Christy Sorden. She was my therapist for years, and worked with me through a lot of the shitty times i went through. If you don't like her, Aspen Pointe is the local community mental health facility. If you want to get some intense short term care, see about getting an admit to a psych hospital for a few days. Peak View is alright, but i know there's one in the Denver area thats REALLY good. If cost is an inhibitor to seeking help, try out one of the DBSA support groups. Unless they've changed their nights, they have a teen and young adult(under 30) group on Tuesdays. Its in a building on Bijou. They were also a HUGE help.

If you want to get on meds, ask your PCP, or Aspen Pointe. Both are pretty good options. If you are in serious crisis and need intervention, call the Lighthouse. they are a short term(one night) facility in the Springs, meant to help people in crisis. I've never stayed personally, but i know people who have used it to get out of a tight place and to stay safe.

Depression is a really shitty thing to experience. One thing to work on is making sure you break seemingly impossible sized problems into smaller chunks. If anything is worth doing, its worth doing poorly. Evem if you can't fully do something, doing SOMETHING is a success, even if it seems like nothing. Small steps and victories help you build up self esteem and confidence.

Depression happens. It fucking sucks. It doesn't matter if your support network is small, or just us. Dunno if you still have my number or not, but I know Tristan does. If you ever wanna talk about things, hit me up. I'll answer if i can. Or if you're not cool doing that or whatever, message me on here. I'm here for you, friendo.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Lunquewill on June 21, 2019, 01:26:52 PM
I'm unraveling completely.

I'm in the hospital again, alone. I've been in and out of the hospital for over a decade now, but lately it's been torture. Last admission, I ended up curled up under the sink at one point. I can't bring myself to work, play games, anything. I feel pointless most of the time outside the hospital, but in here the feeling consumes me.

And now I read this thread about America's concentration camps (https://twitter.com/ECMcLaughlin/status/1139192167501484033). What the hell am I going to do about this? The 115 pound man with a severe, progressive lung disease in the hospital? How am I going to live with myself if I don't do anything? My

Not knowing anything about yourself, I can only suggest that you focus on your own health right now. The refugee crisis will continue to be there when you are better. Also, watch out for those manipulative political Twitter threads. Those things may well be happening, but they could also be taken out context.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on June 21, 2019, 06:57:29 PM
I'm unraveling completely.

I'm in the hospital again, alone. I've been in and out of the hospital for over a decade now, but lately it's been torture. Last admission, I ended up curled up under the sink at one point. I can't bring myself to work, play games, anything. I feel pointless most of the time outside the hospital, but in here the feeling consumes me.

And now I read this thread about America's concentration camps (https://twitter.com/ECMcLaughlin/status/1139192167501484033). What the hell am I going to do about this? The 115 pound man with a severe, progressive lung disease in the hospital? How am I going to live with myself if I don't do anything? My brain wants to delete this knowledge, and my surroundings are making that very easy. Nurses just go about their day. Nothing is different. I'm fighting as hard as I can not to slip into denial, but I don't know how I can possibly stay sane if I don't.

I need therapy. Badly. Have for a long time. Can't get any in here.

I need my spirits high and my strength up to do my treatments the best I can, because they are not passive and I have to actually DO them for them to be effective. I have nothing left, physically or emotionally, and mentally I'm just broken.

I don't want to post about this here, but I have nowhere else. As pathetic as it is, seeing as I almost never post here, this is the closest thing I have to a community.

I'm really sorry you are going through another period in the hospital.  I understand the frustration with repeated severe dips in functioning, although I can not fully imagine the feelings involved from its gradual progression.

Especially when I am at my most emotionally drained, what I find helps is to avoid reading about the horrors of this administration.  They are too numerous and too horrific.  I subscribe to progressive e-mail groups that have letter-writing and petitions that can be fairly quickly signed and sent to my reps in Washington.  Beyond the brief context reading before signing, (and occasional donations when there is a particular action event that needs financial help) I try to avoid it.  I can only do what I can do with these things.  I learned that continuing to inundate myself with reading about the worst of humanity did nothing to enhance my life (such as it is).  Heck, I've eliminated many of the film genres I used to watch with regularity (e.g. action flicks of the Bruce Willis 'real life bad guy' type) because I realized that each of these things I was putting in my brain was deforming my view of life itself.

Now I don't know how feasible (or relevant) that may be for you, but from what I know of psychology, the brain focuses more on what it is exposed to regularly, so focusing on the horrors of humanity is guaranteed to fuck with one's emotional state.  i.e. I learn JUST enough to act in the ways that are available to me (generally writing letters or signing petitions, can't manage even brief phone calls), and then deliberately extract myself from such articles (and more importantly, discussions).  It is not chosen ignorance (as those who choose to watch propaganda like FOX News choose), it is self-protection, while still acting on the knowledge in the ways I can.  Being 'trapped' with awareness of horrors that I can't do anything (else) about is a sure-fire way for me to end up feeling more helpless and hopeless.

Caring for others, and the planet, are important human emotions and reactions.  Burying oneself under awareness of the horrors of others doesn't help anyone.  I always think of it as akin to the 'loss of cabin pressure' instructions on airplanes:  make sure your OWN oxygen mask is on and secure before trying to help others with theirs.  If I cannot get out and protest directly, in-person, then I do what I can from home and let it go.  (I will be blunt here: that took me a LONG time to get to, and I still struggle with it at times.)

I am happy that Lesbunny provided the assortment of regional resources that might be helpful to you, as well as offering her own communication capacities.  If you would like to chat with me, or if there is something I might be able to help with, e-mail me.  I am struggling right now as well, but am willing to do what I can, Quirk.  I am at least functional enough where if I can't fully manage something I will say so, so it would not be putting me out.  You are a great person that I have a great deal of respect for.  If I can help, within my limitations, I will.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on June 22, 2019, 08:45:40 AM
Thank you for your replies. The night I posted, I talked a little with my nurse. She was very supportive and sympathetic (most nurses are, when you need it). Like you suggest, LucasM, she said it helps her to consume as much positive media as negative. I've been trying to do that, and it is helping. I also looked into what I can do to help the refugee crisis and found that foster parents are needed. My wife and I just so happen to be nearly done with our fostering certification classes. She didn't even hesitate to agree that we should do it, even if it means moving (I haven't looked into it deep enough to know if we need to or not).

I also spoke with somebody here from Behavioral Health, who agreed that I need to change my antidepressant, so we've begun that process. When I get out, I will be looking into the places you recommended, Lesbunny.

Thanks again for all your replies. It always helps more than I think it will just to have others connect with me on a human level. It makes me feel much less alone.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: F-Zero on June 22, 2019, 11:15:30 AM
Thank you for your replies. The night I posted, I talked a little with my nurse. She was very supportive and sympathetic (most nurses are, when you need it). Like you suggest, LucasM, she said it helps her to consume as much positive media as negative. I've been trying to do that, and it is helping. I also looked into what I can do to help the refugee crisis and found that foster parents are needed. My wife and I just so happen to be nearly done with our fostering certification classes. She didn't even hesitate to agree that we should do it, even if it means moving (I haven't looked into it deep enough to know if we need to or not).

I also spoke with somebody here from Behavioral Health, who agreed that I need to change my antidepressant, so we've begun that process. When I get out, I will be looking into the places you recommended, Lesbunny.

Thanks again for all your replies. It always helps more than I think it will just to have others connect with me on a human level. It makes me feel much less alone.

Dad advice: ...then stop thinking. Go be an athlete at something.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on June 27, 2019, 12:15:26 AM
I don't understand people who feel absolutely zero guilt or zero remorse for the shitty things they've done. My mind has been so effed up over the years that I personally felt guilt over things that weren't even my fault or things I didn't do. For example, right after 9/11 somehow I got it in my head that I should have been there to stop the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. For years part of my brain endlessly chided me with "You should have been there to stop it.".
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Quirk on June 28, 2019, 08:57:58 AM
I don't understand people who feel absolutely zero guilt or zero remorse for the shitty things they've done. My mind has been so effed up over the years that I personally felt guilt over things that weren't even my fault or things I didn't do. For example, right after 9/11 somehow I got it in my head that I should have been there to stop the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. For years part of my brain endlessly chided me with "You should have been there to stop it.".

I think some people feel that way until they can't take it anymore and just shut the guilt down so they can survive.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on June 28, 2019, 08:08:24 PM
Today I went out of my way to be extra nice to people. I mean I'll be damned if two rude and inconsiderate middle-aged assholes change the kind of person I am. For years, as a lot of you know I could be a real asshole at times and I didn't even think about how sometimes the things I said were hurtful and I should have been more mindful of the people I was addressing. I can't change being mentally disabled but I can still at least try to be good to other people in spite of the shitty people I encounter and the shitty behavior they show towards me.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: linszoid on July 04, 2019, 04:36:27 PM
I think this is kind of key to life. Imagine the person you want to be and then try to be that person. Don't try to control the actions of other people. You'll probably be disappointed if you do. Focus on what you can change.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: CJones on July 05, 2019, 01:51:26 AM
I'm not religious at all, and I've had religious people ask me "how do you know the difference between right and wrong without Jesus?" I tell them I have one simple rule: Don't be an asshole.

It is astounding how many people have trouble with this concept. Life is shitty enough as it is. The best thing you can do is not make it worse.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Lunquewill on July 05, 2019, 08:07:54 AM
I tell them I have one simple rule: Don't be an asshole.

It is astounding how many people have trouble with this concept. Life is shitty enough as it is. The best thing you can do is not make it worse.

The Bible quotes Jesus with that statement. Maybe not with those exact words, but the idea is there.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on July 05, 2019, 10:01:37 AM
I'm not religious at all, and I've had religious people ask me "how do you know the difference between right and wrong without Jesus?" I tell them I have one simple rule: Don't be an asshole.


There was a time where I would've asked someone this. Secular humanism is very confounding to a lot of conservative Christians because, philosophically speaking, they cannot separate God from good whereas many understand goodness to be independent of God. If someone asks you again though, just throw a little Romans 2:14-15: For when Gentiles who do not have the Law do instinctively the things of the Law, these, not having the Law, are a law to themselves, in that they show the work of the Law written in their hearts, their conscience bearing witness and their thoughts alternately accusing or else defending them.

Or, y'know, just say the Bible talks about having a conscience outside of God too.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on July 05, 2019, 10:05:35 AM
Probably a lot easier to simply ask them the question:  So you would not know right from wrong unless you were told by someone else?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on July 05, 2019, 11:08:26 AM
Probably a lot easier to simply ask them the question:  So you would not know right from wrong unless you were told by someone else?
As effective as this could be, "being told by someone else" is practically a tenet of Christian faith if "someone else" is a divine being or divinely inspired. So they would answer, "Yep!" And then you get into the fun realm of Christian epistemology (aka "Because Jesus. End of story"). It's frustratingly circular.

I feel this is getting into some pretty murky waters here, so this may need to continue in a different thread. I like the positivity I've read here though, and I don't want to take away from that. Don't be an a-hole is great advice any which way you look at it.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on July 05, 2019, 03:08:18 PM
I spent the last 3 days in a hospital because I was on the verge of breaking down.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on July 05, 2019, 04:55:29 PM
I spent the last 3 days in a hospital because I was on the verge of breaking down.
So sorry to hear Lesbunny. I really, really hope you get well soon.  :(
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on September 18, 2019, 08:36:50 PM
I've been okay... relatively speaking lately. I mean I still have episodes and panic attacks, but today something happened that made me almost fall completely apart and... it's rather embarrassing so I'd rather not go into details. Basically, somebody made an appointment to discuss a project with me and... they didn't call. I sat there for two hours next to my cell phone waiting for them to call and they never did. I didn't get any messages or even an email telling me what happened.

What happened later shocked me. The event caused my mind to unravel pretty badly. I started getting so fucking depressed I actually started crying... out LOUD. I was very embarrassed for getting so emotional over something like this. I got so low I even felt like I almost had to call the fucking hotline.

Anyway I'm putting the pieces back together but it took me a long time and I'm still depressed. I'm really hoping a good nights sleep is what I really need to keep it together. I was just... surprised because I was just triggered so acutely.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: F-Zero on September 19, 2019, 02:23:40 AM
I'm overcome with paroxisms of rage about my brother.  Every time I see him or talk on the phone with him or read his emails the two words that scream in my brain are SELFISH and LAZY.  He literally has no discernible personality outside of the traits of SELFISHNESS and LAZINESS.  When I try to fall asleep my mind goes to him and I starting barking insults and my adrenalin goes through the roof and I bounce out of bed and punch dance the air but it doesn't help so I get lost in the computer so here I am.  Pant, pant, pant.

Russo sorry for your troubles.  I find when I'm surprised by my own emotional state I think back and it's usually something I ate or a wound or surgery or drugs or chemical fragrances or something like that.  I just don't feel that much any more in and of itself.  I had corn chips for the last three days so I get super pissed at my brother, haha.  Anyhow, it sounds like some kind of rejection you suffered.  When confronted with that situation I automatically go to cognitive therapy practice.  I analyze the situation and my perceptions for personalization, generalization, all-or-nothing, mind-reading, etc.  I find it helpful despite my vast omniscience, /sarcasm.

Also if you want even more unsolicited advice pass along the pain once in a while. While you're angry I mean.  Just lash out at somebody in the ultimate moment.  Call the dude and cut loose on his voicemail why not?
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on September 19, 2019, 11:10:55 AM
Thank you for listening F-Zeo, but I don't think I can do that. I've had problems with rage in my past and I just have to channel my pain into other emotional outlets, in this case, it's sadness. When that happens, my depression maxes out. I just have to keep telling myself "It's okay, there's no reason to be angry, it's nobody's fault, it's nobody's fault". Letting myself get angry would let the old me come out and I just refuse to let that happen.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: F-Zero on September 21, 2019, 09:19:29 PM
Yeah man, no problem.  Any time.  I'm a regular Freud. 
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on September 24, 2019, 06:00:47 AM
I told someone last night I've had a thing for her for a while, this morning I find out she's in the hospital for self harm. Unrelated, 100%, but my brain keeps trying to convince me that I somehow was a part of it, so I'm fighting anxiety.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Cupcake on December 13, 2019, 02:51:59 AM
TW: discussion of  and description of self harm, suicide

I finally got paid after 2 months... 200 dollars less than expected. I don't know what I'm going to do. Because my funds were stretched so hard, I've not been able to pay debt collectors, who are breathing down my neck, who I've promised to pay at least a minimum payment to on Monday. Problem is... I was over drawn 70 dollars because fuck me, right? And so between the debt collectors... I'm going to have a grand total of 6 dollars unless they decide to be supremely nice which generally isn't in their nature. I haven't been able to afford my medicines in over a month, and I'm either low or out of all of them. My dysphoria over presenting masculine all the time is driving me up a wall, my mother treats me like I'm a lazy POS because I didn't get a proper paycheck since October, even though it's not my fault that my new job pays a month behind.

I want to hurt myself. I want to cut my arm open. I want to see the blood dripping down my hand. I want to just take every pill I can find in this house. I want to find the key to my father's gun safe. I want to die. I don't know how else I'm supposed to get by. My application for food stamps was denied because I couldn't get the work done to make it go through. My life is literally work and home. I want to die, to bleed, something so that I feel something. I'm so tired of this being broke. I go to food pantries when I can, but I work 5 days a week. Weekends are the only time I can go, and even then, it takes gas I can't afford to get there. I'm trying to cut down on everything unnecessary. I'm trying to fix my bullshit. I'm trying so hard not to fall or fail or anything and I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to be able to push past this. I want to cut so bad. My head is in a daze, I feel like I'm floating through a fog. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. I just want everything to end. I want this bullshit to go away. I want everything to just stop. And even better, I've got to be up in an hour to go to work and do it all again. I want to drive off the freeway on my way into the school.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on December 13, 2019, 08:41:16 AM
As someone who has engaged in self-harm many, many times myself... don't do it Lesbunny. Please don't. I know shit is horrible and bad but you need to hang on, if for nothing else than tomorrow might somehow be better. If Anais Butterfly were here, I know what she'd say, she would never let you hurt yourself either. Please Lesbunny, don't do that to yourself. You are worth so much more than that.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: F-Zero on December 13, 2019, 02:26:26 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oSR8Gqn4qU
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on April 28, 2020, 11:03:46 PM
I don't know if my wife & I are gonna separate, but she's really wanting to. We've started counseling. What she said would fix things is that I would have to change my personality. I think it's more of my declining mental health. Safe to say my passion for life has clearly dwindled. Midlife crisis warning signs perhaps? Ultimately, what she says is that I'm bringing her down and she feels trapped and she wants out. You know that whole "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" part of our vows? Yeah, she didn't mean it and has said as much. She says I'm too lethargic. The catch 22 is that the bleakness of this situation is only going to make it harder to get out of.

My home life is one of (if not the) most important thing to me, so I'm waking up to my worst nightmare coming true, and I have little to no say or power in it. She was going to leave this weekend for her parents' place (isolation be damned) without telling me. That is, had there not been a stroke-of-luck intervention that happened Sunday. 

The absolute worst part is the talks of taking my son away from me. He's only 20 months old. I can't even describe in words how painful this part is to type, much less speak aloud. I know millions of fathers go through this, but this is different (not wholly different; just atypical). That kid is my whole world. I asked my wife about logistics. She threw out some ideas, like sharing him half a week or one-week-on, one-week-off. Didn't even phase her to say it. I had to ask her "How do you feel about not seeing your son for a whole week"? She was taken aback, because she realized how much that would actually suck. She just spurts out things that makes it clear she thinks she's the most important person in the world. Everyone else comes second. This whole thing guts me. It's a punishment I can't even fathom. It feels like going to prison for a crime I didn't commit.

If I lose my family, I think it will destroy me. My faith and hope in literally everything will be gone. Everything else, by comparison, means nothing without them. I've been hanging onto my religion by a thread as it is. My closest family members are 1,000 miles away. Almost all my friends have moved away. The only long-term girlfriend I ever had said the same thing about me taking away all her energy too and was a lynchpin to our breaking up. That was 15 years ago. I tried very hard to be a better man since then. This is only proving I've accomplished 0% of that goal. If worse comes to worse, I don't see why I should be married to anyone ever. I will literally do nothing with the rest of my life but go to work and watch movies when I can't be around my son. I don't drink, but knowing about fathers who are separated from their children and becoming alcoholics is making way more sense than it ever has before.

It's late now, and I have to cry myself to sleep for the second night in a row. I don't imagine that streak breaking for quite some time either. Hope I'm stronger at work tomorrow too. I could barely lift my head to look at my computer screen this morning due to the literal emotional weight.

Some of you here are friends with me on FB, so I kindly ask that this be kept private. I just needed a forum to get this out. I'm hoping counseling goes well. We're going to start reading a book on marriage too, but she made it clear she doesn't think it's gonna help. This whole thing's a nightmare.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on April 29, 2020, 03:46:24 AM
Man that sux. I honestly don't know what advice I can give you other than I hope things can work out for the better for you.
From my personal experience with my late wife, it seemed we would eventually separate because her priorities were money and her family, I somehow managed to keep things patched up enough to keep from losing my house which she mentioned she would go after if we did divorce.. Then a 'Twist of Fate' stepped in and stopped the madness when she passed away from cancer. It was by far the worst thing I have ever experienced seeing your spouse take her last breath on this Earth. Despite our vicious arguments we had over the 16 years we were together, I still miss her and wish we could have worked together for our future but that was just not in her plans but in and looking back on things, I'm better off without the misery I was putting up with almost daily. I still have my house, I have a new woman in my life that takes very good care of me (though we have differing political views and we choose not to discuss that with each other to avoid arguments that won't get resolved) and I have a new job at the Post Office. I very much look forward to coming home after a long stressful day of dealing with the public.
I don't have any kids so I can't even relate to not being able to see your child when ever you want to but hopefully you two can work that out. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason but sometimes those reasons don't become clear until later in life so for now all I can do is hope for the best for you.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: Russoguru on July 22, 2020, 05:50:46 PM
Out of the blue in the last couple weeks I’ve had serious depressive episodes again. I mean I’ve had them ongoing for the past six years, but these episodes have been really acute. Frankly, I’m scared. Part of my brain is going to very dark places, dark places that involve the end of my life. I am not dealing with it well. I just have to plow through it as best as I can.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: wihogfan on July 22, 2020, 06:19:50 PM
No good advice other than please keep plowing. For all the shitty things that life can throw at you I hope you focus on the good and that the good overall outweighs the bad.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on August 22, 2020, 07:56:09 AM
My wife left me last night. She packed up her things and left without telling me. I have our two year old on nights and weekends. She still wants to stay married but wants us both to work on ourselves under different roofs (she's staying with her best friend right now). But the future is uncertain.

The deadline for me to "get better" was Nov 1. I mean, I get how I started to do better at first but fell off the wagon shortly after. I don't know if I would've gotten better before then. As an avid procrastinator, October probably would've kicked my butt into gear. But we'll never know. Now I feel like I'm working backwards to get better. This isn't all about me of course. I would go so far to say this is more about her than me; or at least say the things she needs to deal with are extremely complex by comparison. But I'm just trying to fix on my own things right now.

I probably have depression. I think social distancing has destroyed me emotionally. I've been sad before. So sad that I went to some dark places. But this? I'm just so numb. I have zero motivation. I go to work, play with my kid, get groceries, etc. But anything beyond the basics just, I dunno, doesn't get done. I'll make a plan to do something, 2 weeks will go by, and I'll suddenly realize nothing got done. I'm behaving in ways I've never behaved before.

I'm an overly cautious person, and I'm a hardcore introvert. Before the pandemic, my whole adult life has been struggling for me to be social. I haven't hung out with anybody in person since April. I get a lot of energy and life from socializing. I may do so infrequently, but those times are very important. My wife, on the other hand, has a handful of friends that she visits all the time. So my body is punishing me for being responsible, but my wife is rewarded for being irresponsible.

The question gets asked, "What would you do for your family?" So would I go against CDC rules for them? Looks like I have to make that decision. As well as a thousand other little decisions. I'll be researching counseling and depression meds today. Probably do some chores around the house. And I bet if someone looks into the house today, they'll see zombie stansimpson milling about. No music. Sluggish walk. Head dropped. Man, I never thought it would come to this.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on August 22, 2020, 09:01:24 AM
Sorry to hear all that, this pandemic has messed up a lot of people emotionally.  In April, May, and June my only interaction with other people was typing on the computer.  Loads of projects around the house and computer games have kept me distracted but most of the time I'm still in deep depression.  People keep saying things will get better next year, they might as well be saying 10 years as far as I'm concerned.

As for breaking CDC rules, there's plenty of anecdotal evidence that masks do work to stop asymptomatic people from spreading the virus, and even some symptomatic people with coughs that have had close interactions wearing masks haven't been spreaders.  So I guess factor that into your decision.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: RVR II on August 22, 2020, 01:07:22 PM
Ugh.. That really sux :(
I went back to see what I wrote and really don't have a lot to add other than find something to do that gives you focus so depression doesn't overwhelm you. Since that post I've changed job titles at the post office and that has helped me reduce the stress I had working as a clerk as well as getting some projects done on and around my house that took my attention away from the depressing news feed and the sad reality in general. When I get home, I just turn on Star Trek to take me out of reality.
I don't know what to recommend in your case but perhaps seeking some help may be beneficial in your case. If you can find a way to correct things and change some bad habits in the process maybe things can get worked out. Of course you can always come here to vent and we'll be glad to be social with you :) Really hope for the best for you guys.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: linszoid on August 22, 2020, 07:23:10 PM
Oh man

I can identify with you in so many ways. What I can't identify with is with having a kid of my own. I am an extreme introvert. I really have no human contacts out of work or family. I haven't had girlfriend in about 15 years. Covid hasn't helped in anyway whatsoever.

All I can add is that if you ever feel like self-harming then you should go out for a long walk, a walk long enough that you don't feel doing enough anything other than watching a good Rifftrax movie  when you get home.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on December 31, 2020, 06:11:08 AM
Update on my situation.

I can't see my marriage lasting much longer even with professional help. It's pretty much terminal at this point. Some things came out last night that I had no idea about. I thought we both want to make this marriage work (mostly for our 2 year old at this point), but it turns out, she's just been paying lip service way more than I ever knew. She's never had an interest of working things out since before she walked out on me. She also has next to no interest in taking care of our son. I had to get on her a few times about taking care of him. Not too different from the stereotypical ex-wife who has to beg her ex-husband to be part of his kid's life. She's gotten a lot better recently. If it comes to custody though, I expect her to volunteer the minimum amount. She says she's burnt out which I get. It's easy to get burnt out like that with a kid. But I've been helping out a ton. He's in day care from 7am-5:30pm. She would go days or almost a week without seeing him, and he misses her so much. Yet she still doesn't seem to care. I never thought I would know a mother who cared so little for her son.

We've gone to counseling a couple times. The counselor is terrible. I've had 3 counselors (relationship and personal) in my life before, and I have no idea what my wife sees in this one. Easily the least professional in many ways. And I've suspected that she's siding much more with my wife which, well, besides being unprofessional, I can't tell you how awful that even feels. It took us months to decide on this one. I don't know if I have the strength to find another.

I reread what I wrote in my last post. That was 130 days ago. I don't even remember the shift to numbness being so abrupt. It's just been the new normal for me. And I can't see me being Mr. Perfect can even fix things at this point. Should I get depression meds? Sure. Gonna be harder now that it really doesn't even feel like there's a point.

There's much more I wish I could talk about that's way too personal at this point. I only say that to be clear that this is much more complicated than I'm making it out to be. I've talked to a couple friends already that have helped a lot. They've been amazing and sympathetic. I just feel like I need to talk about it more. It's the only thing that helps at this point.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on December 31, 2020, 11:02:18 AM
stansimpson, I'm so sorry that this is happening for you.  It sounds like you have been doing what was possible for you to see if the relationship was salvageable, but your wife is not willing to put in the effort to have a relationship.

It is unfortunate that your son is getting inadequate (and likely emotional-bond-free on her part) attention from your wife.  I am not sure of your larger circumstances, but hopefully, if you can, your emotional bond with your son, and attention to him, can reduce damage caused by your wife's what sounds like nearly hostile avoiding of him.

Take care of yourself as best you can.  If the marriage does end, just protect yourself and your son as best you can from any damage she may try to inflict on the way out.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on December 31, 2020, 11:26:03 AM
Thank you, LucasM. You're not the first person today to recommend protecting myself and my son, so I'm going to be especially cognizant of that. I'm glad he's only 2 so he won't know any differently when he's older, but 2 is also such a sufferable age for anyone. The tantrums about every little thing is full-blown now, and it's incredibly tough. Be that as it may, I'm being the absolutely strongest person I know how to be for him.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: stansimpson on January 08, 2021, 09:59:51 AM
My wife & I have been quarantined for the past week due to our 2 year old getting COVID (he was miserable for a couple days but quickly recovered and is his usual ball-of-energy self). It's been extremely amicable between us (at times, quite intimate), and we've been gifted a lot of conversations we wouldn't otherwise have had. Some amazing therapy, really. Biggest revelations are that I have an undying, unconditional love for her, but her issues with me are ostensibly conditional. However, what those conditions are are pretty troubling, for one reason or another. I've worked with her through all her problems, but she is not able to work through mine with me. After much soul-searching, I realize that through our whole marriage, she has only rarely come to me for emotional support. I thought she was just the type that needed her alone time to recover. But after thinking about it, she has most often just contacted some of her friends instead for true emotional support. I've even asked her how I can help her and burned myself out trying to help her years ago.

Then I started thinking about all the relationships in my life. Almost no one has ever come to me for emotional support. I've had to rhetorically ask, "Who would ever come to stansimpson for emotional support?" I admit I'm not good at it. And in my 20s, I was probably even combative about it. I've had some time to think about it more and have remembered a few precious people who actually have relied on me in that way. So I'm feeling much less like an emotionless inhuman monster ogre. I do have a heart. Just my emotions-function is a little wonky and needs repair. We can't know if it can ever be strong enough to love my wife the way she needs be loved, and we don't know if she can ever love me back in the state I'm in and continue to be, even with the help I'm looking for (I've contacted a psychiatrist and am looking forward to being on meds for the first time in my life).

Gonna ask our counselor about Discernment Therapy and Attachment Styles our next session. Given that our counselor sucks, I wouldn't be surprised if that's over her head. Haha.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on January 08, 2021, 06:14:28 PM
stansimpson, I do hope you can get the help you need, both individually, and together.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on January 12, 2021, 03:39:57 PM
I've got way too much time alone thinking about shit these days.  This morning I started thinking about how if I had a normal happy life, gotten married in the late 80s and had kids, that they would be around 30 now.  When I hear people say that they hope things get back to normal after the pandemic I feel so depressed, things were bad before, it's been much worse during but for me not a lot to look forward to when it's over.  They are starting weekly covid testing at work and my doctor phobia is kicking in and triggering my insomnia, so the past week has been extra bad.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: LucasM on January 12, 2021, 10:09:56 PM
So sorry about that, MartyS.  I'm sorry I don't have anything specific to say, and nothing I said could 'fix' anything, but wanted to let you know you've been heard.
Title: Re: Acute Psychological Distress: Help
Post by: MartyS (Gromit) on January 12, 2021, 11:35:26 PM
Thanks, I'm just venting, I'm not expecting a "fix" for anything.