RiffTrax Forum

RiffTrax Discussion => Individual RiffTrax Discussion => Cool As Ice => Topic started by: Trekker4747 on February 19, 2013, 11:33:47 AM

Title: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 19, 2013, 11:33:47 AM
I'm way too excited to watch this.

One thing I've learned, among many others... Gods the 90s were terrible.

That swallowing a little bit of cold water and part of an ice cube gives you foggy breath.

Kevin is a better rapper than Vanilla Ice.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: MrBNatural by Conn on February 19, 2013, 05:11:36 PM
I learned that there is a movie that can make Glitter seem like an entertaining well thought out movie.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 19, 2013, 06:37:47 PM
I learned that George Costanza got his technique for getting a second date from Vanilla Ice in this movie.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Kenotic on February 19, 2013, 06:46:27 PM
- Growing up in a small, rural town without MTV on cable was one of the biggest unforeseen blessings I've had. I was in Junior High, but no one over 14 took this seriously.
- The coolest motorcycles out there look like they were once used in Stryper videos.
- The Funky Drummer and The Amen Break should have received higher billing.
- Hitting on high school girls when you're clearly in the your mid 20s is perfectly acceptable. Dads who find this creepy are out of touch.
- Your dad who changed his identity and moved far away to save your life should have no say in it once you graduate.
- Cordless phones weren't around in 1992, causing kids to run with massive landlines to evade crooks.
- Outside of a few cities on the coast, no one in America had heard any rap in 1992.
- Not enough young women carry mace at all times.
- See how dorky and horrible dated Ice looks now? Yeah, anything with auto-tune will look that way in 5- 7 years.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on February 19, 2013, 06:51:31 PM
I learned dollar store Jennifer Connelly's pants were so high she must have had some severe vaginal injuries making this movie
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 19, 2013, 07:14:06 PM
Quote
See how dorky and horrible dated Ice looks now? Yeah, anything with auto-tune will look that way in 5- 7 years.

I'm pretty sure he looked horrible, dorky and dated about 6 months after this movie came out.


- I learned that women wear bicycle shorts under their sun dresses.
- I learned that construction sites make for great places to take dates!
- I learned that hitting on teenage girls, sneaking into their room dribbling ice on them, and generally stalking them isn't at ALL creepy!

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on February 19, 2013, 07:19:52 PM
I still say Kathy should have stayed with Nick.  30-year old teenagers need to stick together.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Compound on February 19, 2013, 10:59:46 PM
I learned that the Dean saw Jeff Winger much earlier than when he first attended Greendale.


(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/739/vlcsnap2013021923h56m26.png)

I also learned that even though I'm not a fan of rap music, I had to listen to some Emenem to get the Ice out of my head.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 20, 2013, 06:20:42 AM

(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/739/vlcsnap2013021923h56m26.png)
I loved that the shot right after this was of the guy on the lawnmower not looking where he's going. And since it looks like he is driving on the same sidewalk,  the editing makes it look like the lawnmower is going to run over this guy.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 20, 2013, 06:56:01 AM


(http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/739/vlcsnap2013021923h56m26.png)

Also, this old, seemingly frail, guy is carrying TWO bowling ball bags. Is he that much of a bowler,  or was he out powerwalking with them?
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 20, 2013, 07:44:16 AM
And this must be the most boring town in America if three people driving down the road on crotch rockets garners this much attention and shock.... Or had these people never seen a black person and that's what they were gawking at?  Or was the horrible 90s fashion sense?  Eh, probably a combination of all of that.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 20, 2013, 08:03:26 AM
And this must be the most boring town in America if three people driving down the road on crotch rockets garners this much attention and shock.... Or had these people never seen a black person and that's what they were gawking at?  Or was the horrible 90s fashion sense?  Eh, probably a combination of all of that.
It's just an exaggeration of how "shocking" and "rebellious" Vanilla Ice was supposed to be. Which is why it's so funny. And yes, this is a pretty boring @$#&! town.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Lemming Howard on February 20, 2013, 09:13:04 AM
I learned that the very first scene between the "Girl driving the Horse" and Vanilla Ice sets the tone for the rest of the movie.  He comes across as a dangerous Douche bag but we're all to think exactly the opposite.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 20, 2013, 09:19:40 AM
I learned that the very first scene between the "Girl driving the Horse" and Vanilla Ice sets the tone for the rest of the movie.  He comes across as a dangerous Douche bag but we're all to think exactly the opposite.
I know, right! I love how reasonable her Dad''s questions are about this guy who she doesn't even know his name, and that he just doesn't want her GETTING RIDES WITH STRANGERS. Which is perfectly understandable even if they weren't in some silly situation dealing with criminals. And yet this is treated as the bad guy. It's also funny that they can't play the race card, since Vanilla Ice is whiter than Jim Gaffigan, yet you can tell the movie really wants to.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 20, 2013, 09:30:43 AM
It's a movie plot that's supposed to work because we have the benefit of being on this side of the Fourth Wall so we know what's going on.  Unfortuantely they made the "heroine" a Deadpool-ian character who seems to have some awareness she's in a movie and thus can disregard everything that's going on.  Considering she was the valedictorian at her school I'm guessing that the rest 1991 graduating class of her high school were in special ed.

A mysterious man rides into her town and on their very first encounter nearly gets her killed, later on she learns that her father was in the WitSec program and there may be some people coming into town to get him following his appearance on the news. (Either her being valedictorian in a school full of special-ed students made the national news or the bad guys just happened to be in the broadcast range of their local TV station.)  Then the guy she's crushing on, the guy her father fears, walks to the door and hands over a ransom note on tape! This ransom note dealing with her missing brother who was just seen with Mysterious Man "in fear of his life" (which a middle finger is a sign of, apparently.)   

All of this in front of her and she still doesn't get why her father has concerns over the guy.  Sheesh.

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Lemming Howard on February 20, 2013, 10:43:27 AM
Hey Disambaudio  lives!
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Pak-Man on February 20, 2013, 01:40:28 PM
While we're examining Cool as Ice logic, I'd like to describe a scene out of context so it might be properly digested (Spoilered, because everyone deserves to experience this scene the first time as the movie delivers it):

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 20, 2013, 01:53:19 PM
It's an on odd plan, really, and you wouldn't think a second-rate, white, rapper who can barely speak English would be a great detective.  I'm not spoiler coding because, feh, I don't feel like it.

The odd thing about that scene is that the banging sound was coming from the road machinery we saw in an earlier montage. (No, not that one.  Not that one either... No the OTHER montage. No, that was the opening credits. Gah! Fine! When he drove her to the construction site!) But he drives there in the middle of the night, looks around, and verbally it seems as if they're giving up.  Because road and home construction, surprisingly to Ice, isn't happening in the dead of night.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: CJones on February 20, 2013, 04:27:08 PM
Well, I've only watched 15 minutes of it so far, but I learned that Vanilla almost breaks her neck with an idiotic (and impossible) stunt, then insults her boyfriend to his face and steals her address book. So it goes without saying they'll end up together, right? Excuse me while I vomit.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 20, 2013, 04:35:05 PM
Impossible? Please. Like you don't keep bike-jump ramps next to your fence.

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on February 20, 2013, 05:29:20 PM
Maybe I missed it, but over what period of time does this movie occur?

It seems like Ice is wearing different horrible 90s clothes at the beginning, but for the rest of the movie he's wearing that hideous Down By Law jacket and striped shorts.  And his atrocious haircut hasn't grown in at all.

So, where does he sleep?  At the old couple's house?  If so, where is his luggage?

Is Ice wearing the same drawers over several days?

Oh, and:

(http://i50.tinypic.com/2nvj1x.gif)
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 20, 2013, 05:54:11 PM
As near as I can tell it only takes place over the period of a couple of days.  I assume they were staying at the Costanza's house, as for clothes.... Ummm..... In their bags that they had... hidden in their parachute pants? I dunno.

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: space_mutiny on February 21, 2013, 03:00:29 PM
I learned that this was a really weird episode of "Family Ties".
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 21, 2013, 03:21:35 PM
It was an even weirder Tremors sequel.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Kenotic on February 21, 2013, 03:34:00 PM
After further review I learned:

- Donna Summer is likely rolling in her grave after the slaughtering of "Love to Love You Baby."
-- And I really miss Donna Summer.


- It doesn't matter who you are, having a baseball cap with the tag on it still makes you look like Minnie Pearl.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: plastickiwi on February 21, 2013, 04:35:20 PM
I learned that:

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 21, 2013, 04:49:48 PM
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on February 21, 2013, 05:45:55 PM
As near as I can tell it only takes place over the period of a couple of days.  I assume they were staying at the Costanza's house, as for clothes.... Ummm..... In their bags that they had... hidden in their parachute pants? I dunno.



Well, Ice does say at the big break-up scene that he was 'chillin' in the hood' before he came over.  Maybe he sleeps in the 'hood (in a funky fresh studio apartment), then wakes up and comes to Mayberry to hit on high school girls.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 21, 2013, 05:56:07 PM
So this is a Vanilla Ice autobiography?
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on February 21, 2013, 06:15:30 PM

  • Street cleaners work in an odd way. (That or the camera accidentally caught the Production Manager pre-wetting the street for visual effect and the director just went with it.)

I'm pretty sure thats is what the tanker truck was doing.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 21, 2013, 06:30:17 PM
So was truly a directorial mistake to capture this "street whizzer" they just never went back and re-shot?
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Lemming Howard on February 22, 2013, 05:56:16 AM
I think of Birdemic for some reason when I watch this movie.  However Cool as Ice has better production values.   Both movies,  though,  require the audience's suspension-of-disbelief to be on steroids.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: CJones on February 22, 2013, 03:51:26 PM
Pile drivers: They require no operators or supervision of any kind. In fact, abandon your construction site completely with the equipment still running. It's not like anyone's going to get hurt.

Also, our protagonists (for lack of a better word) clearly did not watch the "Danger: Keep Out" short.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on February 22, 2013, 05:34:10 PM
And Ice does not appear to have a job.  How does he afford that dope motorcycle and those phat threads?

Yup yup
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 22, 2013, 06:02:28 PM
I suspect his "job" is being a rapper. Maybe not on an level of having discs, er, "tapes" out there and stuff but a local guy.... Or something.  I dunno, I'm out.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: CJones on February 22, 2013, 06:47:24 PM
When Vanilla Ice's posse's motorcycle is worth more than your house, mistakes have been made.

And what happened to that motorcycle Nick bashed apart? Did they figure it was a good idea to take it to an actual mechanic this time, instead of just cruising around, looking for the most bizarre house possible and handing it over to them.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 22, 2013, 06:56:44 PM
I was kind of expecting more from that "bike smashing" scene other than it just being more "evidence" for Tremors Guy to not trust Vanilla. But, really, nothing came from it. And the gang that beat up Dumb Boyfriend who "put him in the hospital" apparently only broke his nose.

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: LuvBJones on February 23, 2013, 08:45:21 PM
He comes across as a dangerous Douche bag but we're all to think exactly the opposite.
Could this be the instance when the expletive "Douche bag" spontaneously emerged into the public consciousness? Because I was thinking "Douche bag" at the exact same time you were!

I"VE got more flava than this clown!

I'm going to get down on my clown knees and thank god that Ice Cube exists and made the movie Friday.

More importantly, was the sandwich-eating guy pregnant?

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 24, 2013, 07:09:39 AM
McDonald's new sandwich,. the McBlrghhhhh
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: corneliusryan on February 28, 2013, 06:01:58 PM
I learned that Vanilla Ice is a kung fu master. I had no idea until the end.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 28, 2013, 06:09:01 PM
Wait... is Kung-Fu and getting beat-up the same thing?

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: corneliusryan on February 28, 2013, 06:39:16 PM
Wait... is Kung-Fu and getting beat-up the same thing?


In the world of Ice.....Yes.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on February 28, 2013, 07:36:03 PM
Wait... is Kung-Fu and getting beat-up the same thing?


In the world of Ice.....Yes.

Don't you mean "Yep, yep"?

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: beavis2323 on March 11, 2013, 09:07:04 PM
i learned that is is acceptable for guys in their mid to late 20's to flirt with teenage girls and not be arrested
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on March 12, 2013, 07:07:56 AM
We don't know how old Ice's character was supposed to be. And the actress playing Kat didn't exactly look like she was in her teen either. So I didn't have a problem with that.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Mark A. Siefert on March 12, 2013, 07:54:57 AM
I learned that Vanilla Ice speaks Ewok.

Yub, yub.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Darth Geek on March 12, 2013, 09:30:42 AM
Well, he does look creepy when he blinks.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Tony Farms AKA Puma Man on March 25, 2013, 01:07:22 PM
So she fell in love (in like a few days, mind you) with a guy who:

-Caused her horse to throw her off, meaning she could have ended up like Christopher Reeve
-Has no problem stealing her organizer
-Damn near sexually assaults her on a dance floor
-Breaks in her house and drips Ice on her lips
-Rides her around on his bike with no helmet
-Appears to have no job
-Wears clothes like he dressed in the dark
-Jumps over a car hood, meaning he put all of them in danger of crashing

The more I think about it, I think 'Cool as Ice' was a Lifetime movie script about an abusive boyfriend that they turned into a Vanilla Ice vehicle.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Trekker4747 on March 25, 2013, 05:54:06 PM
Really, as Kevin said, him sneaking in to a teenage girl's (who's STILL in high school!) bedroom and dripping ice into her mouth (causing fog breath?!) while she sleeps is worth half a dozen or so restraining orders.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Thrifty on June 05, 2013, 05:54:51 PM
I learned that there is a movie I hate more than 'North'.

I learned that there are romances stupider than Bella and Edward.

I learned that the movie cliche "Nice girl with jerk boyfriend meets and falls in love with nice guy, conflict ensues" does not work when the "nice guy" is an even bigger jerk than the current boyfriend.

I learned that women find it romantic when someone you just met breaks into your house and climbs into your bed.

Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: Lunquewill on June 14, 2013, 08:10:38 PM
I learned that a certain Mr Bieber looks more and more similar to Vanilla Ice every day...
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: fodder650 on June 19, 2013, 12:20:43 PM
Funny I've been thinking Mr Bieber is turning into a modern day Michael Jackson. Between the glove, the monkey, and just how he acts.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: BathTub on March 02, 2014, 11:18:51 PM
I was blown away by just how terrible this movie is. It was just so bad.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: eegah on March 03, 2014, 03:21:03 AM
I was blown away by just how terrible this movie is. It was just so bad.

Power Glove bad, or bad bad?
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: RoninFox on March 03, 2014, 09:35:28 AM
I was blown away by just how terrible this movie is. It was just so bad.

Power Glove bad, or bad bad?

I don't understand the distinction.
Title: Re: Yo, what things do you learn, boyeeeeeeeee?
Post by: BathTub on March 03, 2014, 12:40:44 PM
It was just a truly horrible film. Inept on pretty much all levels.