RiffTrax Forum
General Discussion => Links and stuff => Topic started by: Johnny Unusual on September 23, 2012, 07:30:03 PM
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I decided to start a thread dedicated to posting tweets you like or tweets you've made that you are proud of.
Recently, from my feed:
It just occurred to me: a lifetime supply of coffins is zero coffins.
I'm sure better one's will get posted.
Oh, here are some from Patton Oswalt:
"I told my campaign manager to make more more likable. He sewed my mouth shut!" -- Romney Dangerfield
"My V.P., he's no bargain. His Secret Service code name is 'Ayn Bland'!" -- Romney Dangerfield
"My limo driver swerved to avoid a pedestrian, so the media said I don't connect with the public!" -- Romney Dangerfield
And a great response by Jordan Zakarin
"I come from a real tough neighborhood. Gay kids always getting beat up. By me." #RomneyDangerfield
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To prepare for his role as young Bruce Willis in LOOPER, Joseph Gordon-Levitt had to spend six weeks at Smirk Academy.
-Doug Benson
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(http://i.imgur.com/YRDzn.png)
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Patton Oswalt:
"To be like the hu-man! To laugh! Feel! Want! Why are these things not in the plan?" -- Mitt Romney #debate
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(http://i.imgur.com/0msjz.png)
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Richard Dreyfuss:
Close Encounters was released 35 years ago. One day we'll make a sequel where I return & have a difficult reunion with the kids I abandoned.
Joshua Malina:
It seems to me that all Black Sabbath albums should go on sale tonight at sundown.
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Patton Oswalt:
"I have a curvature of the spine and so I'm the same as a fucking werewolf, swamp creature & vampire?!" -- Hunchback of Notre Dame
Doug Benson
I finally get it! SUCKER PUNCH is the story of five girls trying to escape from the movie SUCKER PUNCH.
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I will always be proud of this tweet:
(https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-TBCEheR4FJ8/T9JMO9s6TRI/AAAAAAAABKc/jAg3GdlQB04/s457/Fisting.jpg)
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Frank Conniff
Tonight, lots of people are watching Liz & Dick just to make fun of it. I really don't approve of that sort of thing.
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(http://i.imgur.com/0msjz.png)
George Takei just has really good stuff. I know a lot of stuff, like pictures and things, he forwards, but he's become like Leslie Nielsen...he's old now, and dammit, he just likes a good laugh all the time, no matter where he is or what he's doing.
Unfortunately, I have no specific ones to add, but I will say it was sadly amusing to watch the Twitter feed from the Detroit Tigers slowly losing hope as the World Series progressed. Before, I got tweets about all the crap that was available to purchase, and who was the best player, and pregame warmups. And then, it was just the scores rolling in.
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Justice Scalia has compared homosexuality to murder in an opinion he just issued in the case of Douchebag v Reality.
- Frank Conniff
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What do you call a plan to bilk Doctor Who companions out of their life savings? A Ponds-zi scheme.
- Paul Goebel
Those who say more guns make us safer base their belief on the solid statistical evidence of many, many action movies.
-Frank Conniff
It’s time to play Twitter ping-pong! Raise your paddles. My serve. Ready? Clackity-clackity clack….
Clack, clack, clackity-clack.
Dang. Your point.
My serve. Clack. Clack. Doink.
Plonk. Doink. Clack. Dink.
Boing. Doink. Ah ha! Good game.
- Steve Martin
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(http://i.imgur.com/KoKstyW.jpg)
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"Hey people who argue on message boards:Many of the words you are using have actual definitions."
- Comic Jim Bruce
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(http://i.imgur.com/U8UUROG.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/U8UUROG.jpg)
I think Brucecamp would be better.
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Taco is a common words in some parts of the world. Ladies and gentlemen...
May I present...
Doctor...
Taco...
Monster...
http://now.msn.com/man-called-taco-bm-monster-honored-for-his-name
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(http://i.imgur.com/5m7ifGR.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/lguvioc.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/lguvioc.png)
Well, an old wheezing Richard Dreyfuss as Daredevil would have been pretty funny.
Also, this is probably just payback for when you beat out Ben Affleck for the role in Krippendorf's Tribe.
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On the same subject:
*Joss Whedon takes off his Warner Brothers executive disguise, speaks into wrist radio.*
"It's done."
- Mike Drucker
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(http://i.imgur.com/joCVhpg.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/uWIVbUk.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/pkK9IWA.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/quN02mj.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/sAHFFz2.png)
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From Diamanda Hagan's twitter, talking about Orson Scott Card and the issues with straight people not understanding or pushing back when she calls something homophobic:
(http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt261/ryandowney902/DH_homophobia_zpsb7ad978a.jpg)
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(http://i.imgur.com/au0ddmT.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/JK0xC8r.png)
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The followup article: http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/362427 (http://www.digitaljournal.com/article/362427)
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An epic tale of comedian Kyle Kinane meeting the salsa robot!
http://storify.com/amezilla/kyle-kinane-vs-pace-picante?utm_source=embed_header
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@WilliamShatner : @GroovyBruce So I hear it's Ash Wednesday. How did you manage that? There's no Kirk Monday. ;-)
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@WilliamShatner : @GroovyBruce So I hear it's Ash Wednesday. How did you manage that? There's no Kirk Monday. ;-)
...yet
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Once he becomes a hero in the Star Trek Wars, I am sure there will be!
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I call intern shenanigans on that one! Does Shatner really know who Bruce Campbell is?
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Well, he does make some tasty soup!
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Not posting it in the TV News thread since it hasn't been officially announced yet, but...
(http://i.imgur.com/JiqpC4R.png)
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It's their effort to keep Jay off welfare.
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From Mike's twitter:
Oatmeal: the food to eat if you find celery too spicy and exotic.
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It's their effort to keep Jay off welfare.
Jay's actually doing awesome for himself. Based on doing live podcasting and producing his own animated film he's become, like an adult and stuff. Bought a house and everything.
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From Patton Oswalt's twitter:
"Master Blaster runs Heaventown."--Mickey Rooney climbing atop The Ultimate Warrior's shoulders in the afterlife.
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I love that one. I also loved this one right before it.
"Um, okay..." -- St. Peter, as Mickey Rooney & The Ultimate Warrior approach the Pearly Gates
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The cancel Colbert controversy worked out pretty well for him. Well I happen to despise Asians. That is the WORST race! #cancelreview - Andy Daly
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(Thanks to @clarkgregg)
@SciencePorn: Follow your brain. Your heart is stupid as s*#t.
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Anyone know how to embed tweet onto the forums, other than from screenshots?
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Anyone know how to embed tweet onto the forums, other than from screenshots?
Given the age of the software doesn't directly support embedding YouTube, I'm pretty sure there is no direct Twitter embedding.
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Thanks to @DiamandaHagan for retweeting it:
Murder Cookie @MerylSFortney · Jun 8
How many men's rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Not all of them
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@comicjamesbruce
If I could take only one book on an island, I'd use it to crush monkeys and eat them. I need to survive bro.
@JohnnyUnusual
I want to see a story about a ghost in heaven trying to haunt people but not being able to.
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(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/t1.0-9/10363512_10203028918817003_232418050623250357_n.jpg)
Just going to put this here, and sit back and watch RVR's head explode.
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(http://38.media.tumblr.com/b83fb1c6cea2147fa49925970f8154bb/tumblr_mvbu6zDVkn1stq32wo4_500.png)
(http://31.media.tumblr.com/f2df350628a26aa2260d93ee16ec8380/tumblr_mvbu6zDVkn1stq32wo5_500.png)
(http://37.media.tumblr.com/083bdbe9006566a3ceffe1e9e2f627cd/tumblr_mvbu6zDVkn1stq32wo1_500.png)
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(http://i.imgur.com/RI9uYzr.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/mb22ETz.jpg)
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@Awful Fantasy
"The Druid, with his three animal companions, awoke to a falcon greeting them in the morning. That made three familiars and one unfamiliar."
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@edgarwright
If a situation arose where a killer said they'd shoot me unless I sang the entire lyrics of 'Seven' by Prince, I'd ace it. Stick with me.
@bobducca
Ex step daughter just said I smell "like a serial killers garage sale". What is this in ref. to? Is it a song or dance move?
@ConanOBrien
Gummi worms are incredibly popular, so I’m not sure why my line of gummi chiggers didn’t take off.
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More @AwfulFantasy
(http://i.imgur.com/cdQDvvM.jpg)
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More @AwfulFantasy
(http://i.imgur.com/cdQDvvM.jpg)
The altar is painful?
Yep.
Does it have to be?
Not really.
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From Paul F Tompkin's Twitter:
I used to think puns were the lowest form of humor, but now I know it's making fun of typos.
EDIT: D'oh! Fixed.
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From Paul F Thompson's Twitter:
I used to think puns were the lowest form of humor, but now I know it's making fun of typos.
Oh, I'm not falling for that one.
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Anyone having trouble getting Twitter to work on Firefox? Whenever I try to enter my username and password, it just refreshes the page.
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@PuddinStrip (Matt Oswalt)
RIP Joan Rivers and after her makeup is completely removed, RIP Abe Vigoda
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bw96A-LCQAAAbMr.jpg)
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@edgarwright
'Christine' would be a lot less scary if it had that stupid Lyft moustache.
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Another @badfantasy
"The Steampunker landed on her airship deck. She was covered in gears and tubing and pistons. 90% of the stuff didn't do anything."
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@kyle_lippert
"Maybe sit this one out today, brands."
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(http://33.media.tumblr.com/f2caf843e6855b45eec4b344a70438cd/tumblr_nbsqma2bWh1qz8vumo1_500.jpg)
(http://33.media.tumblr.com/eb36ff6176befd478538eb9e8be2d6e6/tumblr_nbsqma2bWh1qz8vumo2_500.png)
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Stupid ebola twits..
http://www.playboy.com/articles/stupid-ebola-tweets?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=Facebook_10222014_pbmsfbEbolaTweets
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"Who's ready to ruin Halloween?" -- a tiny box of goddamned raisins
- @PattonOswalt
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(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h275/rvr2/03/Plutostate_zps2d0b44a5.jpg) (http://s66.photobucket.com/user/rvr2/media/03/Plutostate_zps2d0b44a5.jpg.html)
(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h275/rvr2/03/Phonemicrowave_zps6bf485c5.jpg) (http://s66.photobucket.com/user/rvr2/media/03/Phonemicrowave_zps6bf485c5.jpg.html)
(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h275/rvr2/03/debitcard_zps90028c3b.jpg) (http://s66.photobucket.com/user/rvr2/media/03/debitcard_zps90028c3b.jpg.html)
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A guy I know at work made a twitterbot specifically to tell people to remove their bankcards from twitter.
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"You could put one of those "If you lived here, you'd be home by now" signs almost anywhere and it might be true."
@ScottAukerman
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If you are a film buff, follow @OnePerfectShot as it is a great celebration of really good single shots from films (it makes me want to see all of them again even the bad ones). Recent pics included these.
Metropolis
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2agYsdCAAAwKa_.jpg)
Overlord
(http://]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2alULRCIAAYWAZ.jpg)
The Great Piggy Bank Robbery
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2ao3GpCEAARgrp.jpg)
The Incredible Melting Man
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2bAydeCIAErEJy.jpg)
The 'Burbs
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2b8X4LCQAAPwzU.jpg)
What's Opera Doc
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B2b9iEsCUAAb64R.png)
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@astarlia
Best thing about current Australian politics: The Member for Batman is the current Shadow Minister for Justice.
(This is 100% true)
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@StephenAtHome
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: World hunger is over because I just ate.
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This is brilliant!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B248SKeCQAEdowb.jpg)
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It is brilliant. It's not a tweet, but it's spot on. ;D
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@frankconniff
"Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh are defending Bill Cosby, so at least he's got that going for him."
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/21/kim-kardashian-catalyst-prep_n_6201192.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
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@bobducca
"Beginning to think these bomb shelter vitamins have turned. Was "galvanized steel" considered an essential mineral in 1952?"
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This is AWESOME!
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"Someday the kilometer and the mile will be replaced by the far more accurate measure, emotional distance in fathers."
@ComicJimBruce
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(https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10670034_10152573779226275_859543488174365677_n.jpg?oh=d3574d154ad88d2892e3d0ef7e59432d&oe=551CEAC4)
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One thing #CrimingWhileWhite tweeters have in common: they're all alive to tell their tales.
- @justinmclachlan
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@josswhedon
"I don't care about Oscars. But my next project, "Mecha-Keanu vs Gun-Bot from Planet Titties: A Christmas Miracle" means they're all mine"
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@pattonoswalt
Can't sleep 'cuz of the storm? Roam around your house with a lit candelabra, introducing segments of a non-existent horror anthology show!
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so sad #TheNewsroom is ending before Aaron Sorkin can explain to us commoners thru a slo-mo montage done to Bon Iver why racism is bad
@PuddinStrip
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@AwfulFantasy
"Even though he was warned, Denus had sex with a bird-woman. Now he is slowly dying from a severe case of genital harpies."
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@KarenKilgariff
DAD LECTURES SO FAR: You Cannot Not Like Crab, Gift Cards Are A Miracle, People Are Nuts, The Towel's Not Moldy You're Just An LA Towel Snob
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@wendyqualls :
@Jenny_Trout "We don't have to talk about race because I have the privilege of never having to think about it."
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LIKE
@ComicJimBruce
Idea for a thriller: The main character thinks her biological clock is ticking, but it's actually a bomb set to explode at the Vatican.
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(http://i.imgur.com/eLl9blZ.png)
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@slackmistress
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I'm the jerk.
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@Foywonder:
Am I a terrible person for finding it darkly humorous that the #1 movie for Martin Luther King Day weekend is a film about a sniper?
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@tammygolden
Any movie that uses technology as the villain (I'm looking at YOU, "Blackhat") might as well be "Electric Dreams" 2 years after it comes out
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@gauraDC :
I'm confused... My gay wedding is somehow your business, but your unvaccinated kids aren't mine? Whaa?
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Since I can't get it to post larger, here's the link..
http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/b49f9652bd/kanye-texts-beck-about-his-grammy-win/
(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h275/rvr2/03/BeckKanye_zps3cccb6ab.jpg) (http://s66.photobucket.com/user/rvr2/media/03/BeckKanye_zps3cccb6ab.jpg.html)
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@pattonoswalt Feb 8
YES!!!!! @alyankovic won the Grammy!!! C'mere, scotch!
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@TheTweetOfGod
America: where minorities, for good reason, fear their kids getting shot, and white people, for no reason, fear their kids getting shots.
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@realDonaldTrump
Record low temperatures and massive amounts of snow. Where the hell is GLOBAL WARMING?
@CalebRapoport
@realDonaldTrump talk to me in the summer when your combover glue won't harden..
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@FrankConniff
Outside SNL, Sarah Palin yelled "Get a job!" to hecklers, adding, "And then shirk your responsibilities and quit that job."
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(http://40.media.tumblr.com/7c1529c7ad819c37d806460d6f4195f2/tumblr_nap8fy0Vuv1qbvj0oo1_500.png)
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@twittels
Cole's Law: Cabbage and mayonnaise is disgusting.
@twittels
No matter how bad it gets, we can always be grateful that no one says "zing" anymore.
@twittels
How did "colder than a witch's tit" catch on? I mean, that just, it don't make no sense. That dog don't hunt.
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@billcorbett
J.K. Simmons involuntarily started yelling at the Birdman soundtrack #RifftraxOscar
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@pattonoswalt
The rail yard hobo McConaughey murdered and stole his beard from must be FURIOUS right now. #Oscar
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(http://40.media.tumblr.com/7c1529c7ad819c37d806460d6f4195f2/tumblr_nap8fy0Vuv1qbvj0oo1_500.png)
That's pretty much all bullies, after they get caught.
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@AstroKatie
You know that dress thing? How some people are super convinced of their own subjective perception of reality? That's why we have science.
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@pattonoswalt
The angry responses I get when I make fun of Bill O'Reilly on Twitter let me know which of my followers use catheters.
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(http://media.tumblr.com/afe4942184f84aae19a68b11daa33ff8/tumblr_inline_nl2wp0GCE51qfmrz7.png)
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"Uff. Those loaves & fishes ain't sittin' right."
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CAP9dlGU0AA98ey.jpg)
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@GWillowWilson
Ted Cruz was born in Canada to a Cuban father, yet I am seeing a distinct lack of birther outrage following his pres. candidacy announcement
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@ScottAukerman
"Everyone makes fun of Godfather III, but without it we wouldn't have all the great "they keep pulling me back in" jokes we make every day."
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@SarahKSilverman
"The science is not political. That's like repealing gravity because you gained 10 pounds last week." - @neiltyson
http://t.co/M0YsgKHGgZ
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@FrankConniff
If discriminating against people is part of your religion, then I'm sorry, no disrespect, but your religion fucking sucks.
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@DougBenson
There's no way those traveling pants fit on all four of those girls.
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@ComicJimBruce
A great April fool's prank would be to not bother people. That would be so hilarious.
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@ComicJimBruce
A great April fool's prank would be to not bother people. That would be so hilarious.
I don't get it.
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@FrankConniff
Convicting Blackwater guards but not Bush & Cheney is like punishing Imperial Stormtroopers but not Palpatine & Darth Vader.
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@SCbchbum
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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@SCbchbum
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
:clap: :clap: :clap:
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@LizHackett
Your hostage group will be 75% cranky old people with conspiracy theories about the ATM, but good luck with your bank robbery anyway.
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@theferocity
YOU DON'T GET A GOLD STAR FOR NOT BEING SEXIST OR RACIST AND IF YOU NEED ONE I HOPE THE STAR BURNS YOU.
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Gross:
http://www.avclub.com/article/disgraced-jeb-bush-aide-creates-app-delete-offensi-218338
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@josswhedon
Policy makers who deny basic scientific truth should also be denied penicillin, horseless carriages, air time on the magic box of shadows
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@johnroderick
Cat Stevens: “I’m being followed by a Moonshadow.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: “Technically, no.”
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Nihilist Aby's twitter is hilarious! Here's just a sample:
Life goes better with arbys! April fools! Life goes quickly and your choices are irrelevant. Please enjoy arbys.
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@seanbaby
They made a Hot Wheels car based on the Joker then a 2nd group of people made a person based on that Hot Wheels car?
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CDacmhXUkAAGArn.jpg)
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@donttrythis
Hey Internet! The plural of the word "anecdote" is not "evidence".
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@animaldrumss
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
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@donttrythis
Hey Internet! The plural of the word "anecdote" is not "evidence".
WHERE THE HELL IS MY LIKE BUTTON??????? :angry:
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@ChrisHallbeck
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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That took me a second. I like it!
Also, after a long twitter silence a pic from Stephen Colbert. I don't know if there's a reason he's dressed like this and I don't care.
@StephenatHome
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CD4Vq5IWgAAf2WU.jpg)
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@neiltyson
If you removed all the arteries. veins, and capillaries from a person's body, and tied them end-to-end, the person will die.
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@MikeDrucker
One day the Internet shall tear us all apart and feast on our delicious flaws. Until then, cats.
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https://twitter.com/thisstuartlaws/status/600607077627785217
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Matt Oswalt @puddinstrip
whenever I drive by one of those Taco Bell/Pizza Huts I always think it might be the Wonder Twins battling their arch enemy depression
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@keithmcnally
I put on the It Follows score and walked through the suburbs tonight. I only lasted 10 minutes. That was scary as shit.
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(http://i66.photobucket.com/albums/h275/rvr2/03/65726-large-178434_zps4s1rj4wu.png) (http://s66.photobucket.com/user/rvr2/media/03/65726-large-178434_zps4s1rj4wu.png.html)
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@pattonoswalt
"Oh SURE we'll legalize gay marriage! *snort* *chuckle* Right after IRELA...oh shit."
-- The U.S. Supreme Court
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25 bucks for that? The stripes aren't even right! ::)
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@saladinahmed
When you finally come up with a good crack involving the word 'bonehead,' but it's 6 hours after you fought Skeletor.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CF-yCaMW8AANjoc.jpg)
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@marsjpg
you can't be annoyed at feminism being called feminism when the entire history of the human race is called mankind
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Piers Morgan writes that I didn't recognise him in a restaurant in New York.I did.I just didn't want to speak to someone I truly detest
@JohnCleese
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Just read the comics for the first time in ages. Man, Dilbert does NOT like Mondays. And he looks more like a cat than I remember. #LSSC
@stephenathome
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@AwfulFantasy
"'Gather 'round! Sit Orc-style upon the dirt as I sing my tales. And don't be so Elfy about it,' sang Feru, the politically incorrect bard."
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@TheSpoonyOne
I will now blow your mind:
Rufus is a regeneration of the Master out to disrupt Earth's utopian future by handing a TARDIS off to 2 idiots.
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@FrankConniff
Trumpy, you can run stupid campaigns!
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@StephenAtHome
Fun Fact! Techno music got its name because it is technocally music
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@LOLGOP
The people who are offended by "Happy Holidays" want to know what your problem with the Confederate flag is.
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@FrankConniff
Obamacare is not a cure-all for healing the body. In the case of Antonin Scalia, it's causing great pain to an asshole.
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@paulandstorm
[P] I JUST MARRIED A CONFEDERATE FLAG
YOUR MOVE LIBTARDS
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@jamesgunn
My 2nd favorite thing as a director is creating an emotional moment of truth between 2 actors. My 1st favorite is lighting someone on fire.
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@joedator
I met a woman who had never heard the term "mansplaining". Now, I am faced with a dilemma.
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@PFTompkins
GUYS MY SCRIPT IS FINALLY BEING PRODUCED!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CI2ActYUsAA1I0b.jpg)
@ScottAukerman
Whoever wins...we lose.
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Nice.
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@IsleOfRangoon
"What do you want to do tonight, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night... KEEP YOU FROM SLEEPING. FIXATE!! DWELL!!! DWEEEELLLLLL!!!!"
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@FrankConniff
A peace treaty with a backwards, theocratic regime is pointless. So I say to hell with it, let's just invade Texas.
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(http://40.media.tumblr.com/4ecfe36fe1fbd3a08e53f0cce0d52881/tumblr_nq85fffQkv1s9uejfo1_1280.png)
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@scottEweinberg
The worst scene in any Marvel film is better than the best scene in any Transformers film.
Feel free to etch that on my gravestone.
@LeaKThompson
@scottEweinberg does that include my love scene with a duck?
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@Rev_Xavier
Tradition isn't synonymous with being correct just as common isn't synonymous with natural.
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@barbhaynes
#DonaldTrump is like if a Comments Section ran for office.
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CKUbp3aUsAAmLXm.jpg:large)
@AllieGoertz wow the powerpuff girls reboot looks nuts
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@RheaButcher
A Game Of Thrones writer is working on the new Disney live action "The Sword In The Stone."
I'm really worried for that pink squirrel.
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@BettyBowers
#LafayetteShooting A guy with a gun is never a "loner;" he grew up encouraged by the NRA, Congress and a country that yawns at gun violence.
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@brundlefly
“A Velociraptor escapes from Isla Nublar and becomes a private detective in LA.” - plot synopsis for JURASSIC WORLD 2: BLUE’S CLUES
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@buckeyepeach
@Wonkette @FrankConniff => Do you think the Party of Lincoln ought to want guns in theaters?
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@ComicJimBruce
In the reboot of Full House we finally find out what happened to predictability.
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@BillCorbett
The Minions are a cautionary tale about genetically modified corn, right?
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@jesselegreca
Dear Republicans, Planned Parenthood isn't profiting off of the deaths of children
You are thinking of the NRA
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@markagee
The futon is the saddest Transformer.
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(http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/5522/78/original/640.jpg)
(http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/5522/79/original/640.jpg)
http://www.avclub.com/article/adam-scott-considering-career-change-223771
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I saw that and was about to post it.
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@neiltyson
The latest Hi-Res image. I told everybody it wasn’t a planet, but nobody listened. (via @DavidBerthod) http://t.co/3m5HNiKyGJ
(http://imgick.silive.com/home/silive-media/width620/img/latest_news/photo/pluto-death-starjpg-0912af5ea77e42c3.jpg)
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insert pokemon slowpoke meme.
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@Cpin42
In lieu of flowers, the family requests that the police stop shooting unarmed black men.
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@SethMacFarlane
Good political litmus test: Ask yourself, "Would I REALLY be surprised if this candidate proposed a Purge or Hunger Games?"
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@charlesezell
Millenials, next time another generation calls you entitled remind them you are in debt for the same things they got for free.
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@shawnmputnam
Whenever you're feeling low, just remember that you've found the same number of Bigfoot as the people whose job it is to find Bigfoot.
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(http://41.media.tumblr.com/ceb48e08e38d1bca294579363abbb97b/tumblr_n3217t22c21t6mofio1_1280.jpg)
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(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/tedprior/kermpitt.png)
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@feministlady
"Anti-Abortion Activists Set Planned Parenthood Clinic On Fire"
Terrorists. The word you were looking for was terrorists.
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@thatbilloakley
Everyone else is too polite to say it so I will: You make summer less fun when you serve hamburgers & hot dogs on your weird healthy bread
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(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y86/tedprior/sneakystars.png)
This is wonderful. Carefully position a two-star rating between their heads so that it looks like a better review obscured!
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Making the quote from 'huffington post blog' counters that successfully though.
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Making the quote from 'huffington post blog' counters that successfully though.
haha!
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@Seanbabydotcom
When Huckabee watches cartoons is he confused why everyone hassles Lex Luthor? It seems like he doesn't quite understand the good/bad thing.
@Seanbabydotcom
How shitty do you need to be to inspire the advice, "Mike Huckabee, breaking the law to fuck up a gay person's day doesn't make you a hero."
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@torgospizza
"Make me a career politician so I can stand up to career politicians" #GOPDebate
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@countryhickguy
Liquid salt water on Mars. Well, Sharknado 4 pretty much writes itself at this point. Hello? Hello? #MattDamon.
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@PFTompkins
The FAINTEST of praise?
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQR7_qaVEAEOEJr.jpg)
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@PFTompkins
The FAINTEST of praise?
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQR7_qaVEAEOEJr.jpg)
(https://fbcdn-profile-a.akamaihd.net/hprofile-ak-xpf1/t5.0-1/50498_84015632909_3854374_n.jpg)
Not for blind kids.
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(http://i.imgur.com/keCQydA.png)
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@pattonoswalt Oct 22
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CR99fO9UkAAQngz.jpg)
Oh fuck you, @GeneralMills. You think I'm buying 3 boxes of cereal to make some dumb cut-out bullsh
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CR99kLrU8AE83WI.jpg)
GODDAMIT
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@FrankConniff
If you think Political Correctness is what's wrong with the world, I envy your safe, easy, sheltered life.
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@frankconniff
President Trump has nuclear codes. #StressIn5Words @midnight
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@zellieimani
Black lives > white feelings
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@NeilTyson
There are no right or wrong opinions, unless you have invalidated yours for having ignored facts that conflict with them.
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@FrankConniff
Celebrating the welcoming of refugees. #ThanksgivingIn5Words @midnight
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@yellowcardigan
Twitter is sideshow bob and the rakes but the rakes are Bad Opinions
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@mtaibbi
Seems like those fretting about threat to 2nd amendment rights now mostly shrugged at assault on 4th, 5th and 6th amendments after 9/11.
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@staypuft
What Trump looks like in liquid form.
(http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/ghostbusters/images/1/13/Riverofslime01.png/revision/latest/zoom-crop/width/360/height/202?cb=20100311203609)
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@ChrisHallbeck
I love that they are using all practical effects instead of CGI in the new Ghostbusters.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CWOor2XUEAA_ILg.jpg)
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@thepatrickwalsh
(walks up to theater in full Darth Vader costume, speaks in Darth Vader voice) "One for 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip."
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@BetteMidler
Happy holidays to all: Here is my recipe for dairy-free, sugar-free, vegan eggnog: Bourbon.
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@StephenAtHome
Who would win in a fight? The Brothers Karamazov or the Concept of Egalitarianism? #ChristmasBattle
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CXajkX9UAAAK7wW.jpg:large)
@grahamclark
WHY DOES RICHIE RICH HAVE ABS?!?!
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sucking in his gut?
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Looks less like he's sucking it in and more like it's imploding.
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@DeathStarPR
All I'm saying is Alderaan COULD have spontaneously combusted.
You don't know, you weren't there.
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@ComicJimBruce
The @realDonaldTrump views the presidential campaign "as war". Which is what coddled men who never faced any real challenge always say.
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@JohnCleese
I would like 2016 to be the year when people remembered that science is a method of investigation,and NOT a belief system
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CCysKAJWMAAEIv5.jpg)
@Conconmonkey
HOW CAN YOU EAT LIQUORICE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
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(http://i.imgur.com/IUXUlAy.jpg)
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https://twitter.com/umakompton pretty obvious troll account.
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@eatyellow
"back in my day we weren't offended so easily"
back in ur day u'd throw a fit if a black person drank out of the same water fountain as u
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(http://41.media.tumblr.com/32f19db548e20e8c8917a4536f121dda/tumblr_o01tmwkWpq1qgh75xo1_540.png)
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(http://41.media.tumblr.com/32f19db548e20e8c8917a4536f121dda/tumblr_o01tmwkWpq1qgh75xo1_540.png)
Perhaps you can get the taste out of your mouth with some Mrs. Hockenburger's Water Cookies:
(https://c2.staticflickr.com/2/1392/1331857553_8bf7c00c58_z.jpg?zz=1)
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(http://41.media.tumblr.com/32f19db548e20e8c8917a4536f121dda/tumblr_o01tmwkWpq1qgh75xo1_540.png)
Ate this ice cream treat today
Then found out what it was and threw it all away
Sundae, Doggie Sundae
Sundae, Doggie Sundae
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(http://i.imgur.com/dbqVOGx.png?1)
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@StephenAtHome
Hey, 103.3 The Groove: It’s not a Rock Block without some Starship. Stop wasting my time.
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@dubstep4dads
BOSS: sir your resume is just a hand drawn picture of a guy doing sick BMX tricks
ME: yeah. that's me
BOSS: [under his breath] holy shit
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@animaldrumss
its stupid when girls say they cant find a guy, yet they ignore me. its like saying youre hungry when theres a hot dog on the ground outside
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@shaunking
White supremacy and southern conservative "Christianity" aren't distant cousins, but knuckles on the same violent fist.
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@bucklubid
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.They lit a fire in it & it sank, proving once and for all, u can't have your kayak & heat it too.
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@magicbilly
This @JenKirkman special sounds amazing!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZhxkd0UEAANRjI.jpg)
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(https://41.media.tumblr.com/f3a90ebedd25d963786266d2bfc053f4/tumblr_ns5peauuP91qewacoo1_540.png)
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(https://41.media.tumblr.com/f3a90ebedd25d963786266d2bfc053f4/tumblr_ns5peauuP91qewacoo1_540.png)
Well their relationship problem should take care of itself, then. Because either one or both of them will be dead or captured.
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@TanookiKuribo
That went south real fast. The fuck happened at that party?!
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CZ3WAlBW0AE4L4J.jpg)
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@jamiesont
Want to feel old? This is what Veruca Salt looks like today
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CaTIvpPWIAI1ERB.jpg)
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(http://40.media.tumblr.com/d4611378391bdc96d605e01d34ff64ad/tumblr_nuvrysBvAQ1qzcv7no1_500.png)
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(http://40.media.tumblr.com/d4611378391bdc96d605e01d34ff64ad/tumblr_nuvrysBvAQ1qzcv7no1_500.png)
No, I think Sarah Palin did.
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The feeling you get when you organize your Gameboy purse.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CaOuIhoVIAAWRrp.jpg)
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@BillCorbett
"My opponent was mean to me, it's not fair!" whined the candidate for Leader of the Free World
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@JusticeBlaine
Antonin #Scalia requested cremation in his will, but millions of women will meet tomorrow to discuss if that's really best for his body.
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@jonahray
Want to feel old? Look in a mirror, you decrepit fuck!
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@seanbaby
My new favorite Golden Age superhero is The Raven. He screamed insane shit at you and beat you to death dick first.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcJ2YI8VAAA7nSx.jpg)
He did have one weakness.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcJ2j4ZUUAAePjG.jpg)
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcJ2wnvUYAEnrX6.jpg)
"Satan will be your uncle." - The Raven. Those are some terrifying words to die to.
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@Foywonder
GODS OF EGYPT (2016) Dir: Alex Proyas #OnePerfectShot (https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CcUvi4eUYAECSA0.jpg)
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@BetteMidler
The Oscars are today! You know, the awards show where Leonardo DiCaprio is "overdue" but black people can "wait till next year."
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(http://i.imgur.com/zGWgzJ1.jpg)
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@JElvisWeinstein
Fighting over "the soul of the Republican Party" is a lot like fighting over "the talent of the Kardashian family."
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@metasimpsons
I used to be with Simpsons, but then they changed what "Simpsons" was, and now what I'm with isn't Simpsons.
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@FuriousDShow
Stanley Kubrick was hired to fake the moon landing, but his perfectionism made them film it on location on the moon.
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(https://i.imgur.com/9XTWHyV.png)
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(https://36.media.tumblr.com/7fc06984553cdf2e604fe574fc3def45/tumblr_o48xuqFBVg1se3pgko1_540.png)
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@VeryLonelyLuke
Life as a disabled veteran isn't easy.
I injured myself clapping.
Damn robot hand.
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@EvilDeadNews
Bruce Campbell is who the Ghostbusters call. http://www.brucefacts.com
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PUT MAGGIE SMITH IN EVERY MOVIE WE NEED TO UTILISE HER BEFORE SHE DIES
WHO IS NEXT SPIDARMAN?
TOO BAD IT MAGGIE NOW
GO SPIDER MCGONAGLE
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(http://i.imgur.com/G26xxBA.png)
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PUT MAGGIE SMITH IN EVERY MOVIE WE NEED TO UTILISE HER BEFORE SHE DIES
WHO IS NEXT SPIDARMAN?
TOO BAD IT MAGGIE NOW
GO SPIDER MCGONAGLE
Can't deny I was worried she might not last the full run of Harry Potter films!
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Paul Ryan just saw Suicide Squad, was disgusted by it, says its values are not his values. urges everyone to see it this weekend.
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Suicide Squad looks dope
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CJ0q0u4XAAAJukA.jpg)
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(https://66.media.tumblr.com/f01466831200f027fadc80418e12f7b8/tumblr_obkmoluU9s1r1mpi1o1_540.png)
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Seanbaby has been putting "The End" at random points in old Archie comics. I like the results.
Every Archie adventure is one abrupt stop away from the darkest story ever. #ArchieTheEnd
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cr7EJEjUkAAX0X8.jpg)
This one is actually quite disturbing.
Keep in mind, I'm not allowed to edit these in any way except for adding "THE END." #ArchieTheEnd
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cr7D89HUAAEN22T.jpg)
This one shouldn't make me laugh as much as it does, except for Dalton smiling at the audience.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cr7DpIVVYAEnBsT.jpg)
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@shvartacus
This election is like if your friends pick dinner and 3 vote pizza and 2 vote "kill and eat you". Even if pizza wins, there's a big problem.
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@BillMurray
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
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This one is actually quite disturbing.
Keep in mind, I'm not allowed to edit these in any way except for adding "THE END." #ArchieTheEnd
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cr7D89HUAAEN22T.jpg)
Disturbing indeed. "Whose" is a possessive term, as opposed to "who's," which is a contraction of "who is."
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@JenCrittenden
My 11 year-old daughter just made up a great joke: I bet Donald J. Trump brags that his middle initial stands for genius.
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@Seanbabydotcom
This quiz from NBC's 1980 Saturday lineup is insane, sure. But more insane is that every wrong answer is far superior to the right one.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DDVAgShU0AAplXM.jpg)
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Fred and Barney meet The Thing!? How have I drank this much '80s cartoon pop culture without knowing about this!?
Edit: Ahh. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that it's not as awesome as it sounds.
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Fred and Barney meet The Thing!? How have I drank this much '80s cartoon pop culture without knowing about this!?
Edit: Ahh. A quick Wikipedia search reveals that it's not as awesome as it sounds.
I know. It's... it's a friggin' cruel tease.
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(http://i.imgur.com/1tCwRrt.png)
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@david_tanenhaus
My favorite Civil War era monuments are the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments.
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Before meeting Sherlock Holmes do random shit like cut tiny holes in ur shoes and smear it w lady deodorant and mustard to mess with him
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(https://68.media.tumblr.com/82c1430df41dce573e468c34d23fc069/tumblr_otzo7zAXQ31qzq48ko1_540.jpg)
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What can i say
https://twitter.com/pitbull_updates/status/826476706835943428
I say it sux but that's just me... ::)
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(https://i.imgur.com/KqaXf3nl.png)
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What confuses me about the 280 character limit is that Twitter has admitted that the 140 character limit was arbitrary in the first place. So why are we just doubling an arbitrary number?
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What confuses me about the 280 character limit is that Twitter has admitted that the 140 character limit was arbitrary in the first place. So why are we just doubling an arbitrary number?
Didn't they base that on the old maximum limits for SMS messages?
A character limit is important, because if people on Twitter could have unlimited characters, they might have to start saying substantive things instead of just punchy, meaningless quips that rile people up.
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WHY I WILL LOVE @HamillHimself FOREVER (THREAD OF 4):
When a friend's son (who was, so tragically, dying from an incurable illness) made a wish: to meet Luke Skywalker, it fell on me -- the only person the dad knew who worked in the film business -- to make a call. 1/4
Not knowing Mark, I called his agent and explained that this lovely boy watched Star Wars every day and wanted to meet NOT Mark Hammill, but, rather, the actual CHARACTER that he played (the boy's own mental state had devolved past the point of being able to grok that... 2/4
..Luke was fictional). The agent begrudgingly said he'd call Mark, but also said not to get my hopes up. 90 seconds later I got a call from @HamillHimself, who immediately said yes and gave me his home address. 3/4
He not only met with the boy, but spent hours answering question after question (sometimes the same ones repeatedly), AS "Luke." Even posting this now makes me teary. He was compassionate, kind, and patient. And it literally meant the world to this kid and his family. 4/4
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Hey Taco Bell
The Illuminati is not a frivolous subject
The less context there is for it, the funnier it is.
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Wow, there are some VERY salacious details in the Stormy Daniels interview:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DZLBL-VV4AIoXla.jpg)
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It's not funny, but I did really like this tweet:
@aSpaceCadette
the reason i hate modern open world games and especially ones that can theoretically "keep going forever" with meaningless spawns like in skyrim is because the the game's "end state" becomes "when you get bored" and i'm fucking sick and tired of "finishing" every game bored
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You guys can move it, if it's too political...
(https://78.media.tumblr.com/1988eaa680f32b13439ae8a903e91824/tumblr_pamyazVl281qifrd8o1_540.png)
(https://78.media.tumblr.com/58e62ab38e869bfb11960a7a393da35c/tumblr_pamyazVl281qifrd8o2_540.png)
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(https://78.media.tumblr.com/b8d06e70c98fc03fba002888bea1f7cc/tumblr_inline_pcll3lsuhE1ryr6ex_1280.png)
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@Foywonder
Tattoo artist or Venture Bros villain? You decide.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DmI5YjwXgAEZBfF.jpg)
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DooPl4hUwAACSiW.jpg)
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Woody Barrelson
@Woody_B_
SON: What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?
ME: Well, that’s your uncle Frank. That’s where he wanted his remains. It was his favorite beer stein. He always said it would be funny. Never got why.
SON: Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein?
ME: That SON OF A BITCH!!
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(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DtkzCCTW0AAP3Xy.jpg)
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(https://i.imgur.com/mYVnGX2.png)
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feminist next door
@emrazz
The term “toxic masculinity” is a litmus test. If it makes you angry, you failed.
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(https://66.media.tumblr.com/a641b75b0037ff1c369aca8f7f49215d/tumblr_prcje8wrGH1uanakco1_1280.jpg)
Either someone didn't think the wording through or Jersey Mike's has made a lot of assumptions about my sex life.
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This is an especially cruel trick to play on time-travellers.
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D9_f40jVAAIiIuH.jpg:large)
Crud. Just realized 'time-travellers' doesn't have a hyphen yet.
Sorry. It does in the future.
Because of 'Time-Travel Inc.'
......
Whoops. Said a little bit too much there.
Just ignore that last bit.
I'm going back to playing fetch with my Velociraptor.
....
This is blowing up.
Follow my Sound Cloud - Which, in the future, is a sentient storm cloud which surrounds your head and screams at you for the climate destruction wrought by your ancestors.
(http://D-Abf1kVAAAMjEq.png)
I know.
That's how it starts.