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Riffer Projects => Fan Riffing => Topic started by: tygerbug on June 30, 2009, 12:02:58 PM

Title: Starcrash! [1978] A commentary by Garrett Gilchrist
Post by: tygerbug on June 30, 2009, 12:02:58 PM


Now complete on Youtube!


My ten-part commentary on Starcrash, an amazing film from 1978 starring the luscious Caroline Munro and her minimalist wardrobe of leather space bikinis. With David Hasselhoff as a Jedi Prince, and Christopher Plummer as the golden-caped Emperor of the Universe.

An Italian Star Wars ripoff of the most blatant and inept kind, filmed in English, from a French DVD.

 Here's a sample!


A compilation of some favorite bits from the commentary.

A fan page for the film.
Deleted scenes?

See sexy space smuggler Stella Star do battle with amazon women for no reason! See stop-motion special effects that look like they were done by Ray Harryhausen's blind retarded brother!

With a score by four time Academy Award winner John Barry (James Bond films), who clearly needed the money.

Caroline Munro is probably the only real reason to watch this film, but it is an incredibly hilarious movie, the perfect late-70s Star Wars ripoff to watch while drunk.

Frankly I think the movie is funny enough without commentary, but I hope I provide a few chuckles along the way.

The creepy Marjoe Gortner plays Akton, who with his blonde perm and man-makeup looks like a hellish clone of Mork from Ork, or the Greatest American Hero. He apparently has all sorts of special powers which are never explained.

There's also a green guy called Thor who no one likes, a cowboy robot who could be Darth Vader's redneck cousin, the hilariously evil Count Zarth Arn and his stop-motion robots who look sort of like Tinkertoy renditions of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

David Hasselhoff, playing Prince Simon, doesn't show up til toward the end, but the Baywatch / Knight Rider star doesn't disappoint, first wearing a goofy gold mask, then showing his skills with a lightsaber (!) .... Like most of the men in this film, he also wears an incredible amount of eye makeup.

There are also some stupid cavemen. I preferred the Amazon Girls myself.

Oh, and an embarrassed, confused-looking Christopher Plummer, as the golden-caped Emperor of the Entire Universe, has the ability to stop time! Apparently. His performance is wonderfully vague.

Will the babelicious Stella Starr and redneck robot Elle defeat whatever they're supposed to be defeating? Who knows? Who cares? At least she dresses in a Vampirella - like leather space bikini for most of the film.

I am aware that this film has already been "riffed" by fans before .... Mystery Fandom Theater (MFT3K) did a version, and there's another one on Youtube [Starcrash Media Center Theater]. I haven't seen these versions. I had chosen this film to mock before knowing that anyone else had tackled it. Of course it didn't stop me - a film like Starcrash cannot be stopped.

Directed by Luigi Cozzi. With Marjoe Gortner, Caroline Munro, Christopher Plummer, David Hasselhoff.
Commentary by Garrett Gilchrist.



In part 2 of my MST3K-style commentary on the 1978 classic Starcrash, Evil Count Zarth Arn summons an army of two action figures. A floating gold head sentences Stella Starr to remove most of her clothes. Stella then abruptly makes friends with the green guy no one likes ("Thor") and the redneck Darth Vader ("Elle"). And four-time Oscar winning composer John Barry gives us what is definitely not his take on the theme to Star Wars, no sir.


In part 3 of my MST3K-style commentary on the 1978 classic Starcrash, Christopher Plummer is confused, a little too intense and possibly on drugs, but gold-capedly resplendent as the Emperor of the Universe. Our "heroes" fly through a special effect I made with a camcorder when I was ten. Then - Amazon Women on the Moon? Sexy Stella Starr and redneck robot Elle battle an army of amazon women, who look suspiciously like regular women.

Part 4 of my MST3k-style commentary on Starcrash loves you long time as sexy space smuggler Stella Starr and redneck robot Elle do battle with a baffling stop motion creation with giant metal boobs, that is casting shadows it shouldn't be casting against the postcardy sky backdrop. There's a mess of a space battle made up of randomly selected identical-looking shots - It's an experimental film! It goes on for two hours and Marjoe Gortner scares the hell out of me. Disappointing a generation, Stella Starr puts on some clothes to visit the Ice Planet Hoth (Hoff?), and the green guy is his usual charming self.

In part 5 of my commentary on the mind-bendingly epic 1978 science fantasy classic Starcrash, Sexy Space Smuggler Stella Starr and redneck robot Elle hold hands on the ice planet, while green-guy creep Thor does hand to hand combat with white-guy creep Akton. Still, you've got to give Akton a hand for coming up with special powers out of nowhere. Stella takes her clothes off for the last time in the film, and the crew are attacked by one of the worst special effects I've ever seen. Then Stella, wrapped in plastic, and Elle wander through the Alps, or something.

Part 6 of my commentary on the jaw-droppingly epic 1978 science fantasy classic Starcrash. Stella Starr and Elle take their sweet time wandering around a field somewhere, before being killed by The Flintstones. A weirdo in a gold mask saves Stella with his laser eyes, before revealing himself to be David Hasselhoff. Perm-haired creep Akton demonstrates his skills with a lightsaber, while we all hope this film is just a Jedi mind trick. The pace of the film starts to resemble the noble glacier, that dreamcastle of the arctic sea.

Starcrash! Part 7 of my commentary on the gob-stoppingly epic 1978 science fantasy classic. Nothing happens for a minute and a half, then Count Zarth Arn shows up and embarrasses himself further. The creepy perm guy battles stop-motion action figures with a lightsaber, then David Hasselhoff grabs the lightsaber and shows he really is a Jedi, while we watch in stunned shock. Perm guy dies on purpose for no reason, and Christopher Plummer, resplendent in his gold battleshorts as the Emperor of the Entire Universe, HALTS THE FLOW OF TIME!

Starcrash! Part 8 of my commentary on this bullshit. Christopher Plummer talks slowly, Count Zarth Arn talks loudly, Stella Starr puts on a cape, and they all stand there and do nothing. Thrill to the epic space battles, with special effects that nearly approach student film levels, and go on for ten hours. Thrill as some guys in stupid gold hats battle some other guys in stupid black hats, for ten hours. Help me ... help me ....

Starcrash! The incredible climax to my commentary on the paradigm-shiftingly epic 1978 science fantasy classic finds our heroes rallying to defeat the evil Count Zarth Arn without actually doing much of anything. Hasselhoff has apparently rebuilt an old friend, who helps Stella drive a giant multi-colored floating city right up Zarth Arn's behind. Way too many explosions. Then Stella becomes a mime.

Starcrash! The conclusion to my commentary on the pants-wettingly epic 1978 science fantasy classic. The saga of Stella and Elle comes to a sadly inevitable conclusion. And Christopher Plummer makes a speech that is 95% dramatic pauses. Then end credits, with John Barry's Starcrash theme tune .... and even a stinger!
Title: Re: Starcrash! [1978] A commentary by Garrett Gilchrist
Post by: tygerbug on September 04, 2009, 09:44:27 AM
I decided to create a special DVD case for Starcrash -- I hadn't seen a DVD case for it that really took my fancy. So here you go ....


Big version for printing and using on your own Starcrash DVD case:

   Front cover detail:
Title: Re: Starcrash! [1978] A commentary by Garrett Gilchrist
Post by: tygerbug on September 04, 2009, 09:45:14 AM

Oh, and here's a review of the film, by Steve [Warwilf] ....

He's got style he's got grace...
Submitted by Warwilf on 29 August 2009 - 6:41pm.

Just wanted to let you know that my Fiancee and I watched your riff on youtube. We both laughed through the whole thing and consider this one of the best riffs we have seen. I posted a review on the Starcrash page and wanted to thank you for making us laugh. We liked it so much that we came back here to buy it after seeing it for free. Thanks again Garrett.
I just watched this last night and I was stunned. First off, I had no idea David Hasselhoff was in this. Secondly, I could not believe how bad and blatant a rip off of Star Wars this would turn out to be. It's unfathomable why they weren't sued for this level of intellectual infringement, although intellectual shouldn't really be used in describing anything about this film. And thirdly, if you haven't seen this film yet, it's worth it just to see the cowboy robot. Now about the iRiff: This riffer came out of nowhere and triangle-butted me into hysterics. The film is one of those so good itís bad type of movies which I love and the riffer did an amazing job riffing it solo. There was no dead air, and the timing was excellent. There are some MST3K references in there, a heaping helping of sexual humor (itís unavoidable because our heroine is pretty much wearing plastic wrap during the movie), and plenty of singing, which is what just about every good riff needs. He pretty much had to sing though because the films soundtrack was horrendous, to say the least. Very few people come close to making me feel like Iím watching an old MST3K episode, but Garrett did. I really enjoyed this and look forward to watching more of your iRiffs. Keep up the good work.

Other comments:

Get along Star Wars Doggies!
Submitted by Hor-RIFF-icProductions on 2 August 2009 - 6:50am.

Funny, funny, funny. Red neck Darth Vader jokes had us cracking up everytime. As well as the random super powers Mr. Perm came up with to suit the situation. Great job for going solo.

Rare '70's style Hoff' in action!
Submitted by Richard Van Remmen II on 2 August 2009 - 6:04am.

Very Funny riff for such a bad movie! Highly Recommend!! - RVR II