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RiffTrax Discussion => Individual RiffTrax Discussion => Twilight => Topic started by: Fuzzy Necromancer on May 05, 2009, 08:20:43 AM

Title: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: Fuzzy Necromancer on May 05, 2009, 08:20:43 AM
I'm not a big fan of the "paranormal romance readers are easy prey for vampires lulz," trope. I've gotten enough of that, and it kinda rubs me the wrong way.

On the other hand, if I were to write fan/hate fiction of Twilight...

Five words for you. Bella's post break-up binge.

Consider the following. Vampires in meyer-land don't seem to eat (although I wouldn't put it past her to retcon them into being able to eat just so that Edward can lick whipped cream off Bella or something). They drink blood. The Cullens usually drink animal blood.

Bella has nothing but bottomless contempt for all her classmates. Despite the fact that they inexplicably love her and want to be her friend, she has no respect for anyone with a pulse.
Now Bella is a vampire. If Edward and she were to break up, what is the first thing she'd do? Why, it'd be the first thing any just-dumped high school girl would do. Crank some tunes, rent her favorite sappy movie, and PIG OUT.

Since she has even less value for human life as a vampire, and she's now uber super-powered, and her shield power thingy protects her against other vampires, she can now go around abducting fellow high school students, sucking them until her distended belly bursts her pants and pushes up her shirt, and nobody will be able to stop her. She'll just be watching Romeo and Juliet, trying vainly to follow the plot, while she grabs that girl who went to the movies with her in new moon by the neck and absentmindedly slurps on her arteries.

What do you think sirs?
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: ShadowDog on May 05, 2009, 01:32:39 PM
LMFAO!  Except for this:

just so that Edward can lick whipped cream off Bella or something).

<shudders>

Dude, that's not cool.  Unwanted mental images can hurt, you know!
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: Thrifty on May 05, 2009, 02:10:28 PM
Bella's a vampire?
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: Ayriana22 on May 05, 2009, 02:19:26 PM
She gets turned in the fourth book, which, is probably the most ridiculous of them all, and that is saying alot. (Side note: is anyone else annoyed with the name of the kid?)   Adding to that, the fact that she somehow keeps stringing all of these guys along just makes me wonder, what exactly is her appeal? She's bitchy, self-absorbed and when she's not drooling over edward she's  an emo wreck, she doesn't have any real life ambition. I don't get it.

I agree Shadowdog.  :speechless: Though that is probably WAAAY to risque for the author's sensibilities, thank the gods for small favors.

LMFAO!  Except for this:

just so that Edward can lick whipped cream off Bella or something).

<shudders>

Dude, that's not cool.  Unwanted mental images can hurt, you know!
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: THE QUEEN!!! on May 05, 2009, 03:56:33 PM
this sounds like a hilarious short film parody. Giving me some funny mental images. But if it's the same cast as the movie I hope she drains the gay asian guy first. "chillax---I don't just surf the---AAAAAA!!!!!!" Now that's comedy!!
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: Fuzzy Necromancer on May 05, 2009, 07:19:31 PM
Let's not forget Edward himself is no prize. He's dull, lifeless, scarily possessive, stalkerish, and his actions in New Moon display an astounding combination of obnoxiousness and idiocy. Yeah pal, the best way to protect your delicious-smelling girlfriend from vampires, the vampires that only another vampire can kill, is to tell her that you're dumping her forever, don't care about her, and then go halfway across the country to hunt down said vampires taking your entire family of fellow vampires who might be able to fend off an evil vampire with you.
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: zenmichael on May 06, 2009, 06:47:44 AM
Let's not forget Edward himself is no prize. He's dull, lifeless, scarily possessive, stalkerish, and his actions in New Moon display an astounding combination of obnoxiousness and idiocy. Yeah pal, the best way to protect your delicious-smelling girlfriend from vampires, the vampires that only another vampire can kill, is to tell her that you're dumping her forever, don't care about her, and then go halfway across the country to hunt down said vampires taking your entire family of fellow vampires who might be able to fend off an evil vampire with you.

Their plans always seem to leave something to be desired by way of strategery. Not having read the books, I must say that, as we point out in our iRiff, I'm a bit confused by their plan at the climax of the movie: leave Charlie unknowledgeable of the threat (how tough would it be to convince him vamps are real? Have Edward jump around a lot & shoot him a few times or something, and bam, he's in the know) and run to Phoenix (???), leaving Charlie essentially defenseless (Rosalie and Esme stay behind, I guess, but still, they LEAD JAMES TO THE HOUSE). Considering Charlie is a POLICEMAN with access to GUNS, you'd think telling him and making a stand in DESOLATE BACKWOODS WASHINGTON would make a lot more sense than having to either face James along the way to Phoenix or IN Phoenix, a crowded urban environment (& filled with SUN).

Oh, PS, I like the binge idea. Amusing fanfic, that's for sure.

Oh, oh, and PPS, again, having NOT read the books, I must say, from the movie, I LOVE basically every character except Ed & Bella. The Cullens NEED their own HBO mini series and all the human friends amuse the hell out of me. Angela and Taylor both come across as a bit flat, but I'm guessing that's just because they got kind of sidelined. I could totally see a kind of "Babysitter's Club"-esque spin off with Jessica and Mike as main characters, though.
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: THE QUEEN!!! on May 06, 2009, 12:38:57 PM
dude, zen, you love "chillax"? SHUDDER!!!
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: zenmichael on May 06, 2009, 04:37:13 PM
dude, zen, you love "chillax"? SHUDDER!!!

Eric is the most bizarre of all the teens. He says some of the most odd and random things. "Chillax, no future" (yes, I know it's wrong, but it's cooler that way).  "And then there's a great big pyramid falling out of the sky, and..." (WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT???) .... his unexplained mirth at a worm on a stick ... the fact that he's Batman AND is apparently talented enough to DJ the friggin prom?!?!  Eric has may hidden awesomenesses.
Title: Re: A "what-if" scenario
Post by: Hamdingers on May 06, 2009, 08:20:17 PM
Haven't read the books, don't plan to, and the *only* way I'd view the sheer mediocrity that is Twilight is with the assistance of Mike and the Bots....errr.....Mike, Kevin, and Bill (this film certainly would qualify as a "Mads" era experiment for sure), the only character(s) I found remotely interesting were "Harpo", whassisname TeenWolf guy, oh, and the worm-on-a-stick, I really felt bad for *him* being forced against his will to be in this pile of excrement

"Harpo's" story would definitely be more interesting than Bella/Edward

I wonder what kind of Host Segment mischief Crow and Servo would get into if Twilight was the experiment, I can see Crow with a paler gold paintjob and tossing on craft glitter or something, and Servo appearing in a more traditional Bela Lugosi vampire outfit, fangs, tux/tails and cape, and the two getting into a furious argument  over which one of them is a "real" Vampire, culminating with both of them attacking Mike and trying to bite him

the OP's idea of a post-breakup "feeding frenzy" by Bella sounds far more interesting than any of the actual books, wonder how SheriffDad reacts to Bella's new "liquid diet"...

I can picture him breaking out the reloading press and making special "Vampire-Killin' " wooden bullet cartridges/shotshells