Notes on a First Draft

[Johnny Unusual]

These Cracked articles made me laugh.  Hard:

http://www.cracked.com/article_15052_notes-on-texas-chainsaw-massacre-beginning.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15053_notes-on-first-draft-apocalypto.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15056_notes-on-first-draft-superman-returns.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15055_notes-on-first-draft-snakes-on-plane.html

http://www.cracked.com/article_15054_notes-on-first-draft-casino-royale.html

I say we do something similar.  Basically the premise is we are making notes on the first draft of a script, implying that things could have gone... a different way.

Rules:  Make sure you're correcting something that might cause problems.
For each movie it should be about 7-12 notes.
Each note should have a page number.
Page numbers go in numeric order (if the last guys not was from page 3, you can only make a note on page 4 or later of the script.  That means you can't go back and make a note for the earlier part of the script.  I hope rules haven't scared people away, because apart from those (and they don't have to be too strongly enforced), it's free reign.

Let's start with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.  (and I suggest you read the links above before trying to get an idea for how this works)

Dear Mr. Steve Kloves, we here at the studio greatly enjoyed your adaptation of the penultimate chapter in JK Rowling's epic children's fantasy adventure.  You certainly captured the spirit of the material.  Just a few things to iron out and then we think we're ready to film.

Page 5-15:
OK, at this point you write that this is where the credits will begin.  That's fine but the next ten pages are the credits.  We haven't even cast the parts of the new characters.  Though we certainly ae interested in your input, this isn't really what you are in charge of.  Also, while we like the idea of respected actor and genre icon Patrick Stewart appearing in the movie, we don't feel he's right for the role of "Baby Voldemort".  You also recast the main characters.  What makes you so sure that we want to replace Daniel Radcliffe with Ellen Page?

Page 16:
Ths part where Harry says "Hey, I forgot, what happened for the last five years" is troubling.  I know you're trying to make the film accessible to audience who had not scene the first five films, but this device to explain who everyone is seems to confuse the issue.  It's not really good that Harry just says, "Oh, right.  I forgot."  It seems odd that the most defining moments of his life would just slip his mind.

Page 24:
This is an all ages film.  Even if they're just animals, I think we can lose the familiar orgy.

[AmazingThor]

P. 18 - As much as I like Ron calling Harry "Snuggy-pants" I think fans of the book will be angry at the change.

P. 1179 - I know we want to "capture" the magic of the book, but the movie should not last as long as it takes to actually read the book

P. 27 - Lasers. Really?

[Johnny Unusual]

P. 43 - Now, at first I thought you were doing a "spelling" bee joke.  You were not.  I don't think this non-magical spelling bee needs to be in the movie, nor filmed in real time, though I must admit the finale was a bit tense.
P. 64 - Why did you put commercials in?  This is a theatrical film and it completely disrupts the flow the of movie.  Heck, the commecial begins mid-character sentence.
P. 98, 100-103 - It's nice to see that Hogwart's itself in danger of destruction, but I don't think that the answer is having the school lose it's deed to Voldemort in a crooked three-card monty game.  Not only that, but Dumbledore, usually portrayed as sagely and cautious is pretty eager to risk it.  I suppose that there are interesting possibilities in the fund-raising subplot this creates, except that we instantly switch to Harry and his friend's raising the $1,000 they needed.  Not only does this ruin the tension you created, it raises the question of why Voldemort didn't ask for more money.  I suggest that if you want to keep this subplot in, you should do research on how much a school that size would cost.

[AmazingThor]

P.1 I think you may be a bit confused as to which series you are directing. There is no Harry Potter book called "Temple of Doom."

P. 23 These movies are long enough as it is, do we really need the interpretive dance?

P. 50 I like the idea of having a wizard duel, but I'd rather them not use "Magic: the Gathering" cards.

P. 102-105 I'm glad you feel the actor's are talented enough to improv, but the next three pages just say "The kids make something up"

P. 109 The first couple of times I assumed it was a typo, but now I think you just don't know the name of the school. It's HOGWARTS, not HOG-WHORES.

[Johnny Unusual]

Next:

GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Hey guys, I love the script.  We feel it honors both the cartoon and toyline quite well while still remaining accessible to the die hard fans.  That aside, there are some things I think need to be changed.

Title Page - The question mark in the title seems unnecessary.  Let's just let them know that it is indeed the rise of Cobra rather than just making them guess.

Page 3 - I'm glad you took the time to name a lot of the B-list GI joe members that you think fans would enjoy seeing in the background in the meeting room.  That said Lion-O, Darkwing Duck and Mr. Rogers are not members of GI Joe.  Legal concerns aside, these characters probably don't co-exist in the same universe.  We'll consider leaving in Bumblebee

Page 23 - I want to remind you that this is a military fantasy. It gets a little disconcerting that Duke wants to wipe out the... well, I myself wouldn't feel comfortable using that particular slur myself.  That said, the Vietnam war has been over for some time.

Page 24 - Also, Duke using the term "camel jockey" is COMPLETELY unacceptable.

Page 34 - It's nice to see Doc, the Joes chief medic, a chance to shine, but he seems to be solving the wounds with Band Aids.  Also, the Joes seem to be flinching like children who scraped their needs despite being riddled with bullets.  And Doc should not be kissing their injuries, nor should the kisses work.  Finally, "5 CCs of polysporin?"  Do you know anything about medical care beyond your childhood?  I suggest you do some research.

Page 45 - This is going to be a live action film.  And even if it wasn't, they wouldn't be erasing and redrawing eachother like in Duck Amuck.

Page 50 - I think the idea of having Cobra and GI Joe having once been a single organization is potentially interesting, but I think that you came up with the idea simply because you wanted to use the battle cry "YO JOEBRAAAAAAAA!"  That's.... terrible.

Page 85 - OK, I'm starting to think you think that all cartoon characters exist in the same universe.  Though your ideas are potentially fun, I don't think we can have Ren and Stimpy be Scarlett's pets and I don't think that Clutch Cargo was a founding member.

[AmazingThor]

P. 12. I like that you want to feature as many characters as possible to appease the fans and sell more toys. However, there are over a thousand canonical characters and I don't think listing them all in a single "role call" scene is plausible.

P 16. I believe the character is named Scarlett because she has red hair, NOT because her skin is painted red.

P 45. While Snake Eyes is arguably the most popular character, I don't think he needs to enter every scene "Kramer style." Plus you wrote out "pause of applause". Were planning on filming this movie in front of a live studio audience?

P 63. The Cobra ninja is call STORM shadow, not MOON shadow. Once this is corrected, I think the Cat Stevens song will just be misleading.

P 100. You seem to be confused. We want to portray these characters as real lvie humans, not plastic toys. Thus your surprise ending where your dad comes in and steps on them and yells at you to pick this mess up can be cut out entirely.

[Doctor Who?]

Pages 90-110
I know we have promotion deal with Burger King but the final show down shouldn't take the form of an eating contest at Burger King where someone has to eat everything on the menu.

[Johnny Unusual]

Pg. 140 - We don't mind giant robots in the movie, but is there a reason Cobra's giant robot is shaped like a Ferret?  Wouldn't a big cobra be better.

Pg. 146 - Again, you seem to be getting your children's properties mixed up.  Pokeballs are not standard issue.

Pg. 160 - Yes, GI Joe has members with different skills for different situations.  Still, I don't think the Joes need a poet laureate, though the character you created, Inkwell, is given a good back story.

Pg. 201 - In the final page, Duke tells scarlett that the whole movie was a dream, but then when they walk off together, Duke looks at the camera with "Snake Eyes"  Aside from being unnecessary and seemingly portraying our protagonist as a monster, it's clearly just the end of thriller tacked onto your movie.  This made obvious by the final line of the screenplay: "Vincent Price laughs ominously".

[Johnny Unusual]

Next Up:
Halloween 2


"Dear Mr. Zombie,

It's great to have you back in full force giving us your interpretation of the classic horror film.  In fact, this sequel to the reboot is even better then the originals sequel.  Still, there are some things we'd like to address about the film so please bear with us.

Pg. 3 - OK, this is a bit confusing.  The last film gave us insight into the character of Michael Myers, but it seems this one has changed things again.  You claim that the music of "that hack Marylin Manson" turned him into a killer.  I don't think you need to get personal.  Then you mention that he would have grown up a good American citizen listening to White Zombie.  While I do like that music, I think implying that your music is good for young children might damage the credibility of your former band.

Pg. 7 - Michael Myers grew up in a mental hospital, not rehab.  I don't think audiences will be moved by his addiction to alcohol.  Also, in the scenes where his is drinking, it's always a Shirley Temple on the rocks.  Though they re delicious and hard to resist, they are non-alcoholic.  Also, I think a big guy like that can take more than one drink of that before succumbing to alcohol poisoning.

Pg 23 - I don't think that Michael Myers' first line in the history of his film series "Hey, folks!  You enjoying the movie so far?"  I think most fans don't want him talking, let alone to the audience.  Not only that, but he keeps asking questions like "How was work today?" and "Are you doing anything after the movie?"  It seems odd to try to have a killer so chummy with the audience.  Also, they can't answer back.

[AmazingThor]

P. 17 - Frankly, having Michael Myers kill his first victim "with cancer" doesn't work for me
P. 20 - The "Freddy and Jason Suck" shirt might have been a clever easter egg, but I think it loses it's subtlty when you have the enter cast wear it
P. 45 - I know we like product placement, but I don't think the folks at Home Depot will appreciate the fact that their chainsaw was used to hack up the cheerleading captain.
P. 70 - You do realize that Michael Myers is different from Canadian actor Mike Myers, right? Then why do you devote ten minutes to him "doing his Shrek voice"?

[Johnny Unusual]

Pg. 73 - I'm not saying that Michael Myers should be without weaknesses, but the inability to right himself after falling on his back shouldn't be one of them.

Pg. 80 - I don't think that Mike Myers should do a "tag team kill" with the ghosts from the Fog.  First of all, it comes out of nowhere.  Second, having Michael Myers high-fiving all the ghosts, followed by a celebratory dance takes away from his cold, emotionless demeanor.

Pg. 90 - Your take on Michael Myers is pretty aggressive, so why does he knock on the door, when he hears the answer "nobody's home".  Also, when he goes to the next house and the other person opens the door for him, he's careful to wipe his feet on the welcome mat before entering and stabbing the victim.

Pg 102 - Please remove the horse chase.  Failing that, please don't have Michael putting a white mask on the horse, which he gets from a suitcase of white masks, as you say, "designed to fit seemingly any animal Michael would want to take under his wing".  Also, a horse would  need opposable thumbs to wield an icepick.

[Johnny Unusual]

Next Up: Casablanca

Epstein Bros.!  I love your new script, kids!  It's absolutely swell!  It's boffo!  It's the bees knees!  This might be a bigger film than Birth of a Nation, the Jazz Singer and The Happy Time Negro Blues-about all rolled into one.  There are a few concerns we have:

Pg. 4 - We're glad your using one of the songs from our archives and As Time Goes On is one of my favorites, but it should be noted that it doesn't go well with square dancing.  Also, I don't know what breakdancing is, but I doubt it's up Rick's alley.

Pg. 6 - I know Signor Ferrari has his fingers in many criminal pies, but bootleg reels of Casablanca should not be one of them,  It's confusing on several levels.

Pg. 16 - Wait why are the credits appearing so late?  What's a "cold open"?  I could not possibly understand that the movie has started unless some credits appear telling me that the movie has a title and actors.

[carlobee]

hahaha. nice!! made ma laugh all the way.

 

[AmazingThor]

p. 12 I don't think Sam should change the lyrics to "As Time goes by, bitches"

p  47 Perhaps you should change the line "The Germans wore gray, you wore polka-dots"

p. 56 I would leave out the scene at the end where Rick punches out Hitler.

[Doctor Who?]

Pg.27 I know he goes all over the world but I don't think we need Bob Hope to turn up and give a half hour USO show.  Also why he he preforming for the Germans?!