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mattwnelson
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« on: August 22, 2008, 09:28:34 AM » |
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So I started some rough recording on my first iRiff, the JLA pilot. If I knew how to embed a video, I'd just do that, but here's the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3bJPstBP20Comments and (helpful) criticism would be appreciated. |
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Rattrap007
The FBI Pays Me to Surf
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Posts: 2806
Decepticons forever!
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2008, 10:00:32 AM » |
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Some of the jokes are pretty good, like the "Well looks like it just you and me lingerie ad" and the bit about "lice to eskimos.." But over all it seems very sparse at times. Needs more jokes. Like when he says "22" and she asks "In Dog years?" you could retort with something like "Well I graduated top of my class in obedience class.." or "If this is about me chasing down the mailman and biting his leg..." See you have a witty little retort to the line about dog years. Because basically it is 40 seconds where the only riff is an 'ugh" of disgust.
The audio of you could be brought up a tad. It is ok, but a tiniest bit louder would be a bit better.
another line to add: (red = charachters)
"What happened to the crossword puzzle I was working on?"
"Oh he finished that too.."
"He also did the Junior Jumble and the Sudoku puzzle..."
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mattwnelson
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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2008, 10:04:28 AM » |
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Yeah, the audio is definitely rough. I don't know much about that, so once I get ready to do a final record I'll bone up on it.
I was racking my brain with the dog years thing, actually. I knew there was something I could throw in. That's the main problem I'm having with this writing procedure; there are a few scenes where riffs flow like water, and a few where I feel like I got hit in the head with a big bag of stupid.
Thanks a lot!
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Rattrap007
The FBI Pays Me to Surf
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Decepticons forever!
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« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2008, 10:16:46 AM » |
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See you other thread. I added one I thought of there.
Basically it is Guy saying "Look I know I have a bad habit of sniffing crotches..." or something like that..
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Rattrap007
The FBI Pays Me to Surf
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Decepticons forever!
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« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2008, 02:12:46 PM » |
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got another dog line for you..
"In dog years?"
"Look if this is about the time I tried to hump your leg..."
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Isaac S.
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« Reply #5 on: August 22, 2008, 05:17:54 PM » |
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I love the line about Alphabits, and your voice is really good for riffing. You do just need to fill it out with more jokes, though. Easier said than done, I know. But I'd say watch it through and make note of the points in the dialogue that are just begging for a riff. You'll know them if you've watched a lot of MST3K or RiffTrax. You won't necessarily know what to put there yet, but at least you'll have a tangible goal to shoot for in terms of how many jokes you need. Then you can go back later and fill (most of) them in one by one with (funny) riffs. That's what I'd probably do. Your mileage may vary, of course.
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Darth Geek
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« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2008, 09:38:06 PM » |
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Not bad. A good start. I particularly like the Alphabits line.
Aside from that HOLY SHIT! THIS WAS A REAL PILOT! For a live action JLA? GOOD GOD that was horrible! You must do the rest of this.
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Why would you do that? - Zim Because it's cool. - Martian "My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite." - Brain Guy Chomp on, little dude!
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pezdrake
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2008, 09:46:38 PM » |
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With my own DIY projects I started with the cuts.com thing which was sweet because it was easy to go in and add riffs later very easily. When I started the recording of lines I realized I was too eager to finish projects, would write and record the riffs and then after a few viewings would realize I missed a few great opportunities for jokes (espcially in Skateboard Sense where the guy is rubbing his knee on the pavement - man how did I miss that!?!). The point is that it is good to get some jokes down then leave it a while and come back to look for new jokes with a fresh viewpoint and opportunites that you may have missed the first time. I am trying to work on several at a time and cycle through them until I am happy with them. I am trying to get a friend to help me with my next DIY riff project. As funny as I think I am (of course I do) I know my sense of humor isn't universal and I am sure he will pick up on some opportunities for jokes that I am missing. Then we can weed out the best ones to 5-8 per minute (about what Rifftrax does now - trust me I have been couting) and record.
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productionbaby1975
Disembaudio's Squadio
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« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2008, 11:05:54 AM » |
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What is this, a tv show?...just curious...
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mattwnelson
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« Reply #9 on: August 25, 2008, 12:29:07 PM » |
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NeoMyers
Disembaudio's Squadio
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« Reply #10 on: August 25, 2008, 06:29:32 PM » |
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I agree with most of the sentiments expressed. As encouragement, what jokes you did have in there were pretty funny. I, too, liked the "lingerie" joke. I laughed out loud at that one.
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Keroppi20
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« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2008, 11:38:48 PM » |
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Great start, I agree with all the improvement suggestions. What you do have is quite funny, I like the "sorry, digestion's on the fritz" line  |
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I meditate diligently every morning. The subject is Life and Love. I quit after three seconds.
-Vash
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mattwnelson
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« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2008, 03:47:55 AM » |
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Thanks everybody! I'm definitely encouraged! Hopefully this'll be one of two launch titles for me. M@ |
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